MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Ariel Castro was sentenced to life plus 1,000 years in prison. To put that in perspective, that's approximately three Phish songs.
The Royal Baby has been named George Alexander Louis. So the baby was born in 2013, but it was named in 1885.
Michele Bachmann mistakenly received a vibrator in the mail. She described it as "Disgusting, foul, and it smells suspiciously like Marcus."
A Thai college made a banner where Hitler was next to Superman. It got worse when Mel Gibson U made a banner saying "What's the difference?"
A Netherlands woman says she has unwanted orgasms that start in her foot. Rex Ryan now has this woman on speed dial.
There is a Paula Deen themed cruise. I'm not saying it caught on with her racism but the ship takes off from the West coast of Africa.
A report says sibling bullying leads to depression, anger and anxiety. At least that's what my faggot piece of shit little brother told me.
That's all I have for right now! Sorry for this short list of jokes, but I want to come up with good ones occasionally instead of shitty ones with occasional good ones every day (who wouldn't). But if you're reading this, thanks a lot, and go and find some better jokes to make these ones look super shitty (this shouldn't be difficult).
Showing posts with label Mel Gibson. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mel Gibson. Show all posts
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
Wednesday, June 15, 2011
"Better Than Anyone Else"
The fiancée of 85-year-old Hugh Hefner, 24-year-old Crystal Harris, called off the wedding, scheduled for Saturday. Well gee, I wonder what would incline a 24-year-old Playboy model to not want to marry an 85-year-old vegetable.
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.
A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.
Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.
A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.
The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.
The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.
LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
HeroBuilders, a Connecticut toy company, has come out with the new Anthony Weiner doll. An Anthony Weiner doll coming from a place called HeroBuilders is like a Mel Gibson doll coming from a place called ToleranceBuilders.
A new survey says Los Angeles has more sex than any other US city. Without Paris Hilton, Los Angeles would rank 37th.
Facebook has lost an estimated 6 Million users in America, many who fear of a loss of privacy. Unfortunately for the people who left, Facebook has information on every single one of them.
A report says that American students don’t know much about U.S. history. The report was done by people who listen to Sarah Palin.
The BBC aired an assisted suicide on TV. Apparently it was Jack Kevorkian's memorial video.
The CEO of Dow Chemical says there are plenty of jobs available for people with the right skills. It doesn't take a CEO to figure that out.
LeBron James says his comments after the NBA Finals were not meant to say he is better than anyone else. After watching him in the 4th quarter, he isn't better than anyone else at all.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, May 9, 2011
"Water And Trail Mix"
South Korean researchers have developed a new technology that converts soundwaves into electrical energy. Because of this, Mel Gibson could generate his neighborhood for an entire week.
Police in Illinois have seized an alligator being kept by a man in order to attract women. If I have anything to say to that guy, I'm gonna say, "Can I borrow that please?".
Al-Qaeda was reportedly planning a train attack in the U.S. on 9/11 of this year. With bin Laden dead, al-Qaeda pretty much IS the train wreck.
Charlie Sheen says that “Two and a Half Men” was getting “a little stale”. Well that makes it unanimous.
Videos reveal that Osama Bin Laden’s medicine chest at his hideout show someone there suffered from ulcers, high blood pressure and nerve pain. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "So what?".
Donny and Marie Osmond are releasing their first studio album in 30 years. Middle aged women could not be happier.
A woman was rescued after surviving seven weeks stranded in the Nevada mountains on just water and trail mix. What do you call a woman who survives seven weeks while barely eating anything? A supermodel.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Police in Illinois have seized an alligator being kept by a man in order to attract women. If I have anything to say to that guy, I'm gonna say, "Can I borrow that please?".
Al-Qaeda was reportedly planning a train attack in the U.S. on 9/11 of this year. With bin Laden dead, al-Qaeda pretty much IS the train wreck.
Charlie Sheen says that “Two and a Half Men” was getting “a little stale”. Well that makes it unanimous.
Videos reveal that Osama Bin Laden’s medicine chest at his hideout show someone there suffered from ulcers, high blood pressure and nerve pain. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "So what?".
Donny and Marie Osmond are releasing their first studio album in 30 years. Middle aged women could not be happier.
A woman was rescued after surviving seven weeks stranded in the Nevada mountains on just water and trail mix. What do you call a woman who survives seven weeks while barely eating anything? A supermodel.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, December 7, 2010
"Paid Less"
WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange suggests that President Obama should resign from office. That's like Mel Gibson calling you a racist.
Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show. Gosselin is glad to know that her show isn't the only piece of crap on TLC.
The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men. Wal-Mart workers were stunned upon hearing the fact that women get paid.
Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorist activities. If you ask the terrorists about it, they are going to defend themselves by saying, "Don't ask, and don't tell".
The Census Bureau projects the population of the U.S. to be between 305-312 Million people. That's not even counting the number of Levi Johnston's children.
A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. How would you like to be one of the city boys who participated in that study?
A private school in Florida is letting students set their own agenda with no teachers, lesson plans or homework. In other news, student enrollment at that school has gone up 97%.
A musical production of “American Psycho” is in the works for a run on Broadway. In fact, Mel Gibson has already sent in an audition tape.
AOL is planning a possible merger with Yahoo!. Apparently these people haven't realized that when you mix crap with crap, it's still crap.
An Australian study says that one in five men approaching 100 still consider sex important. The Australian University credited: the Tasmanian Medical Institute, or T.M.I.
President Obama says the U.S. is facing a new “Sputnik moment” in the world of science. What does that mean? Is Russia beating us again?
A study says that men become nicer after they are married. This study was not conducted by married women.
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has undergone surgery for a broken nose. Women all across America were excited to hear "Ben Roethlisberger has a broken bone" until they found out it was just his nose.
A study says that organized sports don’t give kids enough exercise. The participants in this study included benchwarmers.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Kate Gosselin and her brood made a very special visit to “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” cable show. Gosselin is glad to know that her show isn't the only piece of crap on TLC.
The Supreme Court will consider throwing out a case against Wal-Mart claiming women are paid less than men. Wal-Mart workers were stunned upon hearing the fact that women get paid.
Walmart has teamed up with the Department of Homeland Security to implement a program called "if you see something say something" which is aimed at reporting suspicious or terrorist activities. If you ask the terrorists about it, they are going to defend themselves by saying, "Don't ask, and don't tell".
The Census Bureau projects the population of the U.S. to be between 305-312 Million people. That's not even counting the number of Levi Johnston's children.
A study says that country boys are more well endowed than city boys. How would you like to be one of the city boys who participated in that study?
A private school in Florida is letting students set their own agenda with no teachers, lesson plans or homework. In other news, student enrollment at that school has gone up 97%.
A musical production of “American Psycho” is in the works for a run on Broadway. In fact, Mel Gibson has already sent in an audition tape.
AOL is planning a possible merger with Yahoo!. Apparently these people haven't realized that when you mix crap with crap, it's still crap.
An Australian study says that one in five men approaching 100 still consider sex important. The Australian University credited: the Tasmanian Medical Institute, or T.M.I.
President Obama says the U.S. is facing a new “Sputnik moment” in the world of science. What does that mean? Is Russia beating us again?
A study says that men become nicer after they are married. This study was not conducted by married women.
Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger has undergone surgery for a broken nose. Women all across America were excited to hear "Ben Roethlisberger has a broken bone" until they found out it was just his nose.
A study says that organized sports don’t give kids enough exercise. The participants in this study included benchwarmers.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, December 4, 2010
"False Memories"
CNN reporter Drew Griffin was put on a TSA watch list after a report that was critical of the agency. In that case, shouldn't everybody in America be put on their watch list?
Charles Manson was reportedly caught with a cell phone hidden in his prison mattress. Why does he need a cell phone? I mean, this guy doesn't have any friends to text.
Hillary Clinton says that Secretary of State will be her last public job. I think I speak for the rest of America when I say, thank you Mrs. Clinton.
A Canadian man was arrested after killing his father with a crossbow in a library. There were no witnesses, because, of course, nobody goes to the library anymore.
BP says the U.S. estimate for the Gulf oil spill was 20-50% too high. Try telling that to all the dead fish!
A study says the odds are one out of seven that someone else will have your Social Security Number. Oh, come on, who would want to be me?
Mel Gibson’s movie “The Beaver” has been delayed for release until Spring 2011. And we all know what happens when we give Mel Gibson some free time...
A 106 year old German man has quit smoking out of love for his wife. I'm proud of him. Now, he's got so many healthy years ahead of him.
Senator Harry Reid is pushing a bill that would allow online gambling. With the nation trillions of dollars in debt, what better for Americans to do than to risk all their money online?
A survey says that younger, less educated people got the most jobs since September. Who knew Waffle House was hiring?
A study says that brain damage can create false memories. You know, this reminds me of the time I actually had a girlfriend.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Charles Manson was reportedly caught with a cell phone hidden in his prison mattress. Why does he need a cell phone? I mean, this guy doesn't have any friends to text.
Hillary Clinton says that Secretary of State will be her last public job. I think I speak for the rest of America when I say, thank you Mrs. Clinton.
A Canadian man was arrested after killing his father with a crossbow in a library. There were no witnesses, because, of course, nobody goes to the library anymore.
BP says the U.S. estimate for the Gulf oil spill was 20-50% too high. Try telling that to all the dead fish!
A study says the odds are one out of seven that someone else will have your Social Security Number. Oh, come on, who would want to be me?
Mel Gibson’s movie “The Beaver” has been delayed for release until Spring 2011. And we all know what happens when we give Mel Gibson some free time...
A 106 year old German man has quit smoking out of love for his wife. I'm proud of him. Now, he's got so many healthy years ahead of him.
Senator Harry Reid is pushing a bill that would allow online gambling. With the nation trillions of dollars in debt, what better for Americans to do than to risk all their money online?
A survey says that younger, less educated people got the most jobs since September. Who knew Waffle House was hiring?
A study says that brain damage can create false memories. You know, this reminds me of the time I actually had a girlfriend.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Friday, December 3, 2010
"Amish Romance Novels"
Qatar has beaten the U.S., Australia, Japan and South Korea to host the 2022 World Cup. That's like having The Situation audition for a Bowflex ad and they end up choosing me.
A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older. I was stunned when I heard this. There are children exercising?
A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic. In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.
President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland. He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.
Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream. Wait, how do they get typed?
Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations. Isn't that called a diary?
The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020. However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.
A study says that pollution makes birds gay. In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.
Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta. Oh Mylanta!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older. I was stunned when I heard this. There are children exercising?
A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic. In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.
President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland. He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.
Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream. Wait, how do they get typed?
Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations. Isn't that called a diary?
The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020. However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.
A study says that pollution makes birds gay. In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.
Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta. Oh Mylanta!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, December 2, 2010
"Using An Electric Eel"
Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg will be interviewed on “60 Minutes” next Sunday. To give you an idea of Facebook, its online security quality is equivalent to that of WikiLeaks.
A new study says there may be as many as 300 sextillion stars in the night sky. And ironically enough, not one of them is located in Hollywood.
The names that parents choose to give their newborn children reveals information about the parents. For example, the name "Shequanna" indicates that the parents have been on the Maury Povich show. (this is not racist at all, I've seen a lot of baby Shequannas on Maury)
MLB pitcher Jamie Moyer had Tommy John surgery. You know you're getting old when your fastest pitches are 85 miles per hour and your arm still gives out.
An aquarium in Japan is using an electric eel to light its Christmas tree. This kind of news story makes me think of those five magic words: What could possibly go wrong?
The U.S. says its ready to help give financial aid to the EU. That's like hiring Charlie Sheen as your sober coach.
A report says that good looking couples have more daughters. In other words, no matter who my wife is, we are going to have a family full of boys.
A college student in Florida googled his own name and found he was mistakenly wanted for murder. That's peculiar for him. He has nothing better to do but to google his own name?
72 year old Jane Fonda will make her first exercise video in fifteen years. I am already getting visuals that I don't want.
Northern Kentucky has been chosen as the site for a theme park based on Noah’s Ark. "Northern Kentucky" is one of those ironies, like "Comic Book Collector's Girlfriend".
Some hospitals are starting to add Wi-Fi and gourmet meals to attract patients. What do they expect people to do, get hurt on purpose?
The most asked web question in 2010 was how to tie a tie. The second most asked web question: What the hell did Mel Gibson say this time?
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, November 10, 2010
"The Friendliest City"
Teens who text more than 120 a day also have a lot of sex. Especially if those texts are of them without their clothes on.
Ask.com is laying off 130 engineers. Ironically enough, when the company was asked why, they didn't have an answer.
Charleston, SC has been named the friendliest city in the US. The least friendly city in the US: any city that Mel Gibson lives in.
A fire has left a Carnival Cruise Line ship without toilets, air conditioning or phone service. It's almost as if they were flying Southwest.
President Bush was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and said he is through with politics. Didn't he say the same thing in 2001?
President Obama says the perks of being President aren’t bad. He is missing some perks, like an approval rating.
Former BP CEO Tony Hayward says the company was unprepared for the Gulf oil spill. I never would have thought that.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been offered $100,000 for a job that would require them to leave the country. Hopefully forever.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Ask.com is laying off 130 engineers. Ironically enough, when the company was asked why, they didn't have an answer.
Charleston, SC has been named the friendliest city in the US. The least friendly city in the US: any city that Mel Gibson lives in.
A fire has left a Carnival Cruise Line ship without toilets, air conditioning or phone service. It's almost as if they were flying Southwest.
President Bush was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and said he is through with politics. Didn't he say the same thing in 2001?
President Obama says the perks of being President aren’t bad. He is missing some perks, like an approval rating.
Former BP CEO Tony Hayward says the company was unprepared for the Gulf oil spill. I never would have thought that.
Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been offered $100,000 for a job that would require them to leave the country. Hopefully forever.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
"Broke His Collarbone"
Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he accepts bags of cash from Iran. To which the U.S. said, "What's his secret?"
A Seaside city in Italy wants to ban miniskirts for being indecent. Nobody would think this is a problem until they realize that the men are the ones wearing them.
A study out of Syracuse University has concluded that falling in love takes .2 seconds and its effect is like cocaine. This is very true. In both cases, it lasts one night, and the very next day, you go out looking for more.
Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. To be fair, these are Brett Favre's only balls to not be intercepted.
Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” A furious Mel Gibson? I have never heard of such a thing...
A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. These people are called "geeks".
Chile’s president apologized for writing a Third Reich slogan “Germany above all” on a guest book during a Berlin visit. Who knew the Chilean President's last name was Hitler?
A candidate for governor in Rhode Island said President Obama could “shove it” after learning Obama would not endorse him. Usually, the only ones telling Obama to "shove it" are Republicans.
A north Georgia man told his wife that there was a buffalo in their swimming pool. Of course, his wife thought that claim was complete bull. (Yes, I just made that pun).
Pitt basketball coach Jamie Dixon rescued two people from a late night auto accident. There hasn't been this big of a late night accident since The Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.
A group of four German high school students took first prize in the final of the Ugly Dance World Cup held in Hamburg this weekend. Coming in a close second: the cast of "Dancing With The Stars".
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo broke his collarbone. Now, the Cowboys are searching for the next person to be their overpaid, overrated quarterback.
BP CEO Bob Dudley slammed the media for its “rush to judgment” over the Gulf Oil Spill. What's not to judge? It's your fault, your ex-CEO couldn't care less, and the cleanup took several months.
China is planning on sending an orbiter to Mars as early as 2013. Who says there aren't any more American jobs?
The CEO of Google says if people don’t like their home being on Street View, they can move. They will be forced to move to a house that was on Street view in the first place.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A Seaside city in Italy wants to ban miniskirts for being indecent. Nobody would think this is a problem until they realize that the men are the ones wearing them.
A study out of Syracuse University has concluded that falling in love takes .2 seconds and its effect is like cocaine. This is very true. In both cases, it lasts one night, and the very next day, you go out looking for more.
Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. To be fair, these are Brett Favre's only balls to not be intercepted.
Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” A furious Mel Gibson? I have never heard of such a thing...
A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. These people are called "geeks".
Chile’s president apologized for writing a Third Reich slogan “Germany above all” on a guest book during a Berlin visit. Who knew the Chilean President's last name was Hitler?
A candidate for governor in Rhode Island said President Obama could “shove it” after learning Obama would not endorse him. Usually, the only ones telling Obama to "shove it" are Republicans.
A north Georgia man told his wife that there was a buffalo in their swimming pool. Of course, his wife thought that claim was complete bull. (Yes, I just made that pun).
Pitt basketball coach Jamie Dixon rescued two people from a late night auto accident. There hasn't been this big of a late night accident since The Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.
A group of four German high school students took first prize in the final of the Ugly Dance World Cup held in Hamburg this weekend. Coming in a close second: the cast of "Dancing With The Stars".
Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo broke his collarbone. Now, the Cowboys are searching for the next person to be their overpaid, overrated quarterback.
BP CEO Bob Dudley slammed the media for its “rush to judgment” over the Gulf Oil Spill. What's not to judge? It's your fault, your ex-CEO couldn't care less, and the cleanup took several months.
China is planning on sending an orbiter to Mars as early as 2013. Who says there aren't any more American jobs?
The CEO of Google says if people don’t like their home being on Street View, they can move. They will be forced to move to a house that was on Street view in the first place.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, October 23, 2010
"Four Feet Long"
Fearing an election rout in November, President Obama is reaching out to women. A black president is reaching out to white women to gain their vote. You know what the early 1900's would call this? Completely unheard of.
Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.
The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?
The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?
A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.
Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.
The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.
McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?
A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.
A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.
The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.
Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.
Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.
7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.
A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".
That's all for right now! More later!
Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.
The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?
The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?
A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.
Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.
The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.
McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?
A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.
A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.
The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.
Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.
Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.
7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.
A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".
That's all for right now! More later!
Tuesday, October 19, 2010
"Drove Off A Cliff"
There are several highly recognized species on the endangered list. One of the endangered species: straight Republican senators.
President Obama was upset he didn’t get to blow anything up while appearing on TV’s “MythBusters”. Let's be fair, Mr. President. You blew up the economy.
Sarah Palin hinted to a crowd in Reno that she may run for president in 2012. As a comedian, she certainly has my vote.
Former Patriots linebacker Junior Seau drove off a cliff on Monday, but was unhurt. I guess he didn't have to Seau.
China moved into the lead of team qualifying Tuesday at the world gymnastics championships. The gymnasts will be disappointed when they find out that the gold medals they receive will not be filled with chocolate.
A man is under arrest after allegedly stealing a bag of Cheetos and some Ho Hos from a Hess gas station and stuffing them down his pants. I knew all along that Cheetos and Ho Hos go right to your thighs.
Sir Elton John says that songwriters today are "awful". He got this idea after listening to Fergie.
A Vatican minister says that Homer Simpson is a Catholic. Bart is praying that he doesn't become a priest.
There are rumors surfacing that Mel Gibson is going to make a cameo in "Hangover 2". I guess it's going to be footage of him in real life.
Canadian police are investigating a case of assault at an arcade that involved teen idol Justin Bieber. Police knew something was up when they saw Bieber hiding in the crane machine.
A woman whose home was destroyed by a fire last month won $80,000 Thursday in the Kentucky Lottery. This takes "I have good news and bad news" to a whole new level.
A woman arrested in Florida told police officers she was “too rich” to go to jail. Ironically, she couldn't post bail.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
President Obama was upset he didn’t get to blow anything up while appearing on TV’s “MythBusters”. Let's be fair, Mr. President. You blew up the economy.
Sarah Palin hinted to a crowd in Reno that she may run for president in 2012. As a comedian, she certainly has my vote.
Former Patriots linebacker Junior Seau drove off a cliff on Monday, but was unhurt. I guess he didn't have to Seau.
China moved into the lead of team qualifying Tuesday at the world gymnastics championships. The gymnasts will be disappointed when they find out that the gold medals they receive will not be filled with chocolate.
A man is under arrest after allegedly stealing a bag of Cheetos and some Ho Hos from a Hess gas station and stuffing them down his pants. I knew all along that Cheetos and Ho Hos go right to your thighs.
Sir Elton John says that songwriters today are "awful". He got this idea after listening to Fergie.
A Vatican minister says that Homer Simpson is a Catholic. Bart is praying that he doesn't become a priest.
There are rumors surfacing that Mel Gibson is going to make a cameo in "Hangover 2". I guess it's going to be footage of him in real life.
Canadian police are investigating a case of assault at an arcade that involved teen idol Justin Bieber. Police knew something was up when they saw Bieber hiding in the crane machine.
A woman whose home was destroyed by a fire last month won $80,000 Thursday in the Kentucky Lottery. This takes "I have good news and bad news" to a whole new level.
A woman arrested in Florida told police officers she was “too rich” to go to jail. Ironically, she couldn't post bail.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"A Second Shot"
So far, Meg Whitman has spent $140 million of her own money to run for governor of California. If she loses, consider it a good investment.
Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?
New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.
Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.
A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?
A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.
A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.
The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.
A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.
Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?
A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?
New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.
Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.
A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?
A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.
A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.
The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.
A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.
Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?
A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
"Known And Unknown"
After stating that illegal immigrants worked around his house, Colin Powell now says he doesn’t hire illegals. Anymore.
Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.
Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?
Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.
Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.
The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?
A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".
Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.
Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?
A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?
Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.
Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.
That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!
Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.
Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?
Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.
Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.
The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?
A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".
Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.
Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?
A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?
Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.
Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.
That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
"A Single Curse Word"
Joke of the Day: President Obama said that he isn't worried about the rumors that he is Muslim. In fact, he said that if he ever starts to worry about it, he will go to Allah for guidance.
The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. The show should be more appropriately named, "Dancing with the Celebrities who have nothing better to do anymore".
The salmonella outbreak in fresh eggs has been tied to contaminated chicken feed. This just goes to show that even in the case of salmonella, the chicken came before the egg.
Youth employment for the summer was at 48.9%, the lowest rate since 1948. In fact, it's so bad that China is beating us by 51.1%.
Archaeologists have uncovered a 3,500 year old city in Egypt. In fact, they even have artifacts from when the city first opened. One of them was a "Larry King for Mayor" campaign poster.
Economic experts say there is a 40% chance of slipping back into a recession. Since when did America get out of the recession?
Heidi Montag is reportedly not pleased with some of her plastic surgery. Neither are most Americans.
The federal government is appealing a ruling that struck down a government policy fining broadcasters for even a single curse word. Unless you work at FOX News.
Blockbuster will reportedly file for bankruptcy in September. I guess they put the "bust" in "Blockbuster".
Glenn Beck said that he regrets calling President Obama a racist, adding, "I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things". In other news, Mel Gibson also said that he has a big fat mouth sometimes and he says things.
Paula Abdul is "speechless" that people want her to return to American Idol. Wait, there are people who want Paula Abdul back on American Idol?
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. The show should be more appropriately named, "Dancing with the Celebrities who have nothing better to do anymore".
The salmonella outbreak in fresh eggs has been tied to contaminated chicken feed. This just goes to show that even in the case of salmonella, the chicken came before the egg.
Youth employment for the summer was at 48.9%, the lowest rate since 1948. In fact, it's so bad that China is beating us by 51.1%.
Archaeologists have uncovered a 3,500 year old city in Egypt. In fact, they even have artifacts from when the city first opened. One of them was a "Larry King for Mayor" campaign poster.
Economic experts say there is a 40% chance of slipping back into a recession. Since when did America get out of the recession?
Heidi Montag is reportedly not pleased with some of her plastic surgery. Neither are most Americans.
The federal government is appealing a ruling that struck down a government policy fining broadcasters for even a single curse word. Unless you work at FOX News.
Blockbuster will reportedly file for bankruptcy in September. I guess they put the "bust" in "Blockbuster".
Glenn Beck said that he regrets calling President Obama a racist, adding, "I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things". In other news, Mel Gibson also said that he has a big fat mouth sometimes and he says things.
Paula Abdul is "speechless" that people want her to return to American Idol. Wait, there are people who want Paula Abdul back on American Idol?
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
"Potentially Harmful Bacteria"
Joke of the Day: The Gateway Arch in St. Louis was found to be showing signs of rust and decay. It's big, in St. Louis, and showing signs of rust and decay. Kind of like the Rams.
North Dakota has the lowest unemployment rate in the country at 3.6%. Who knew it would be easy to find a job in the middle of nowhere?
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. That brings the total number of people on Mel Gibson's side to two.
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. Of all people...
California is suing “Tax Lady” Roni Lynn Deutch for $34 Million, saying she swindled thousands of customers. They do realize she is a "Tax" Lady right?
Ham that was distributed to Walmart delicatessens nationwide and sold in sandwiches has been recalled because it might be tainted with potentially harmful bacteria. Considering all the food recalls, the unnamed character in "Green Eggs and Ham" was right to refuse the meal.
House Republican leader John Boehner on Tuesday urged President Barack Obama to support an extension of tax cuts and to fire key economic advisers, arguing that 19 month of "government as community organizer" hasn't worked. Well gee, thanks John Boehner. I'm sure everybody has figured that out by now.
Amsterdam police have found 7,000 kg of marijuana and hashish in a warehouse near Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands. The warehouse door read the initials A.W., for Amy Winehouse.
A newly discovered type of oil-eating microbe is suddenly flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. To which BP said, "Yes. That was totally our idea. You can thank us.".
That's all I have for today. More coming tomorrow on my first day of school.
North Dakota has the lowest unemployment rate in the country at 3.6%. Who knew it would be easy to find a job in the middle of nowhere?
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. That brings the total number of people on Mel Gibson's side to two.
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. Of all people...
California is suing “Tax Lady” Roni Lynn Deutch for $34 Million, saying she swindled thousands of customers. They do realize she is a "Tax" Lady right?
Ham that was distributed to Walmart delicatessens nationwide and sold in sandwiches has been recalled because it might be tainted with potentially harmful bacteria. Considering all the food recalls, the unnamed character in "Green Eggs and Ham" was right to refuse the meal.
House Republican leader John Boehner on Tuesday urged President Barack Obama to support an extension of tax cuts and to fire key economic advisers, arguing that 19 month of "government as community organizer" hasn't worked. Well gee, thanks John Boehner. I'm sure everybody has figured that out by now.
Amsterdam police have found 7,000 kg of marijuana and hashish in a warehouse near Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands. The warehouse door read the initials A.W., for Amy Winehouse.
A newly discovered type of oil-eating microbe is suddenly flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. To which BP said, "Yes. That was totally our idea. You can thank us.".
That's all I have for today. More coming tomorrow on my first day of school.
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