"A Distinct Odor"

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing. When I heard the news, I jumped up and down on a couch in excitement.

Adele is pregnant. She will be the only mom whose lullabies will make a crying baby cry even more.

A new study says that old people release a distinct odor. The study was conducted by me in a nursing home and get me out of here this place is awful.

Rielle Hunter and John Edwards have broken up. "That's too bad," said people without a soul.

Kim Kardashian says her fans are "stupid imbeciles". I didn't know she could say "stupid imbeciles" with an NBA player's dick in her mouth.

A boy died while masturbating 42 times without stopping. His autopsy says "He beat himself to death, so to speak."

I recently read about a groom who got drunk and cheated on his wife at their wedding. Even worse, he cheated with the flower girl.

Duke basketball head coach Mike Kryzewski says Penn State made a mistake firing Joe Paterno. Well good luck hiring him back.

Jerry Sandusky reportedly called himself the tickle monster. Which is strange, because I didn't know the tickle monster aimed there.

Casey Anthony said that she loved her daughter more than anybody. Of course she did. That's why Casey cried when she killed her.

A study says that a good sex life will help you live longer. If that's the case, I died five years ago.

Miley Cyrus is engaged. She would put the ring on her finger if she can get it out of Billy Ray's asshole.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Medical Bills"

Joe Paterno has been fired as head coach at Penn State. If anybody, he should be replaced by Chris Hansen.

The bed Michael Jackson died in will be up for auction. Children not included.

A poll says that sick people are more likely to be in debt from medical bills. The same poll says that if you eat at McDonald's frequently, you are more likely to be fat.

Travel experts say that people who travel around Christmas time should expect higher air fares and crowded planes. Oh, and you thought those blankets were expensive before.

A UK woman was cured of her fear of stairs through hypnotherapy. And by a friend of hers putting one million dollars at the top.

The porn industry has gotten the go ahead to have its own domain designation of “.xxx”. However, the first website to transfer to .xxx was Penn State's athletic website.

Steve Jobs has been nominated as Time’s Person of the Year. How is he going to accept the award?

A study says that women suffer quicker brain damage from alcohol abuse. This study is entitled "Lindsay Lohan".

Herman Cain recently said that he's "been through hell". Well gee, I hope he has a lady friend who can comfort him.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Joined Facebook"

We lost an hour this weekend due to Daylight Savings Time. Usually, when Americans lose an hour, they watch Dancing With The Stars.

Republicans say they’re planning an all-out assault on the Obama health care program. Didn't they already do that? They're called "attack ads".

Republican Senator-elect Rand Paul says lawmakers must consider cuts in military spending. Especially since we are pulling out within the next two years.

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II has joined Facebook. And you thought poking was creepy before.

A Chilean miner managed to cross the finish line in the New York City Marathon. In fact, it only took him 69 days.

President Obama is in India pushing for U.S. jobs. This is being called "Operation Please Come Back To America".

Amazon is buying diaper.com for $540 Million. Americans who know the difference between the two get a huge cash prize.

A study says that tonsil surgery may not help kids to stop bedwetting, as previously thought. I have to ask: Where does pee come out of us again?

Penn State coach Joe Paterno has won his 400th game. He is such a legend that he is being offered a sponsorship deal for Flomax.

Jamie Moyer appears to have ended his baseball career after injuring his elbow playing in the Dominican Republic. Really? I thought at his age, people broke their hip.

A hotel in Sweden is letting guests use their mobile phones as room keys. Of course, it's kind of hard to get into hotel rooms while driving.