"Toast Of The Country"

A Washington, DC woman was injured when the toilet she was using in a federal office building exploded. And you thought she was upset when the seat was left up.

FOX News’ Roger Ailes says if he became a liberal, he would be the toast of the country. You know what the difference is between toast and FOX News? People actually like toast.

A study says that 40-62% of all people can’t sing. The other people choose not to audition for American Idol.

Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 Million. Usually, if you want to insure a car, you would get insurance for more than the headlights.

Nissan is developing a car that can read the driver’s mind. I tried this car. All it said was, "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!".

(This one's a thinker)
A study in Kansas City shows that dogs in the classroom cut back on bullying. However, in Philadelphia, it increases bullying towards the dogs.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon! Happy end of September, bitches!

"Enthusiasm Week"

Thursday, Sept. 1, is the start of International Enthusiasm Week. So what?

Actress Darryl Hanna was arrested in front of the White House while protesting a new oil pipeline. A woman named Darryl? She's PERFECT for prison.

Dick Cheney says in his memoirs that he didn’t change, the world changed. Never mind, those are Al Gore's memoirs.

In an interview on “Today”, Dick Cheney said he doesn’t think the War in Iraq hurt the reputation of the U.S. President Bush's reputation, maybe...

14 of the 33 trapped Chilean miners were given early retirement. Didn't they technically already have a 69-day retirement?

A physicist says he has devised a plan to cut boarding time on planes by half. It's called "being white".

An Arizona ski resort is planning to make snow from recycled sewage plant water. And you thought your frontyard had a lot of yellow snow.

A new tropical storm is arising, and it is named "Katia". Katia, as in, "We are running out of ideas".

Michael Vick signed a massive eight year contract worth $100 million. Remember the last time Michael Vick had a lot of money?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The New Voice"

Donald Trump doesn’t think President Obama was qualified to attend an Ivy League school. And Yale graduate George W. Bush was?

The title of Levi Johnston’s new memoir is “Deer in the Headlights”. He chose this title because "Despicable Me" was already taken.

Michael Vick has condemned a new cell phone app featuring fighting dogs. I guess "condemned" is a new word for "sponsored".

Former New Jersey Governor Jim McGreevey, who left his wife and office after having a gay affair has been denied a request to join the Episcopal priesthood. I mean, this guy had a gay affair, and now, he wanted to become a priest. What could possibly go wrong?

A poll says that Baby Boomers say work gets better as they get older, and that age is seen as an asset. Case and point: Hugh Hefner.

A father of three from Minnesota has been chosen as the new voice of the Aflac Duck. His says his name is Schmilbert Schmottfried.

Paul Reiser slammed his treatment by NBC on the “Tonight Show”. Imagine if Conan O' Brien was sitting right next to him.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Encouraging Couples"

Monday is the start of National Condom Week. Oh, and it just happens to be Valentine's Day tomorrow. Coincidence?

Friday night’s NHL game between the Pittsburgh Penguins and New York Islanders featured 346 penalty minutes, 10 ejections, 15 fighting majors, and 20 misconducts. Said one fan, "I felt like I was in Egypt".

This Valentine’s Day, First Lady Michelle Obama is encouraging couples to laugh with their partners. In other words, she encouraged couples not to read my jokes.

A poll says Iran and North Korea are Americans’ least favorite countries. Ironically, Iran and North Korea are the two countries whose dictators are most likely to have a mental disease.

John Daly is using a TV built right into his golf bag to display advertising. Considering it's John Daly, I wonder what's going to be advertised.

Osama bin Laden’s cook had his sentence reduced from 14 years to just two. His crime: not poisoning Bin Laden's food.

President Obama wants to cut $2.5 Billion from the $5 Billion home heating program for the poor. Talk about frozen spending.

Michael Vick is going to appear on the Oprah Winfrey show. Oprah is already planning to give everyone a free dead dog.

A new study says that eating fiber may lead to a longer life. However, this study does not apply to your toilet.

A former Hungarian military officer has been charged with war crimes in the 1942 slaughter of 1,200 civilians in Serbia. He has been given a harsh prison sentence; five weeks to life.

McDonald’s saw a 5.3% growth in January. Of their customers' stomachs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"His Final Round"

It was on this date in 1950 that the popular and long-running game show “What’s My Line” premiered on television. It was created in honor of the on-the-set acting by the cast of Baywatch.

A homeless couple won a free trip to the Super Bowl in Dallas. In fact, the husband is going to do the play-by-play.

Justin Bieber will be a part of the NBA All-Star Celebrity game at Staples Center in LA. The NBA wanted to give women a reason to watch basketball.

Levi Johnston’s younger sister Mercede will pose nude for an upcoming edition of Playboy magazine. This is a bad idea. Now, everybody will think that the Johnstons are a family of whores.

The controversial miniseries “The Kennedys” that was dropped by the History Channel will air on the Reelz Channel instead. Both people who watch the Reelz Channel could not be more excited.

Tom Brady beat out Michael Vick for the NFL’s Offensive Player of the Year. Vick is upset that he lost, but said that it was a real dogfight.

“Cake Boss” baker Sal Picinich has died at 63. His body will be put into a casket, and then cut into 16 equal pieces.

PGA rookie Brendan Steele says that Tiger Woods didn’t seem to be giving 100% in his final round at the tournament in San Diego. To which Tiger responded, "I always give 100%. And I tried pretty hard in that tournament, too".

A physics team in England says they are close to creating an invisibility cloak. If they make one for Americans, they should consider the obesity rate and call it an invisibility bedsheet.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Kama Sutra"

Jennifer Aniston says “The Rachel” was the “ugliest haircut she’s ever seen”. Has she seen what I look like?

A computer virus is being spread through a downloaded PowerPoint presentation on the Kama Sutra. The virus is called "Karma Sutra".

New Alabama Governor Robert Bentley says that people who are not Christians are not his "family". And we all know what happens when someone in Alabama is considered family.

A new study says that ESP is real. Called it!

A pair of twins on The Biggest Loser gained a combined 18 pounds in the past week. Now, the term "Loser" takes on a whole new meaning.

Regis Philbin is reportedly retiring. Hey Regis, is that your final answer?

Secretary of State Hillary Clinton says that the U.S. wants "win-win" relations with China. And believe me, if anybody knows how to keep a good relationship, it's Hillary Clinton.

A new survey says that three in ten Americans commit financial infidelity, where people lie to their spouses about how their money is spent. The other seven don't have any money to begin with.

Former “American Idol” finalist Adam Lambert says he is now homeless in California. At least he's more successful than "American Idol".

A study says that sports fans are surprisingly sober when leaving pro games. Have they been to Wrigley Field?

A study says that college students are not really learning that much. Unless you count learning sexual positions.

A study says that sleeping with a pet may be dangerous. Especially when you fall asleep in a Michael Vick jersey.

Simon Cowell reportedly turned down $130 Million to stay on at “American Idol”. When he heard the offer, he told FOX, "What the bloody hell was that?".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Second Chance"

President Obama and his family went snorkeling in Hawaii while on vacation. Because if President Obama is used to anything, it's being under water.

Police were called to an Ohio McDonald’s after an employee threatened to hit a customer with a mop. You know what Justin Bieber would call this? A headbutt.

President Obama praised the NFL for giving Michael Vick a “second chance”. Following the comment, Obama called Vick and asked, "So, what's it like to get another chance?".

Conservative Fox News wacko Tucker Carlson said Michael Vick “should have been executed” for killing dogs. Apparently Carlson is a Giants fan.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Secession Ball"

South Carolina is holding its annual “Secession Ball”. Unfortunately, half of the ball-goers left early and started their own ball.

Merriam-Webster named “austerity” word of the year for 2010. "Austerity" is a strict economy. That's like "freedom" being the word of the year for North Korea.

A dog in Germany gave birth to 17 puppies. By force of habit, Angelina Jolie adopted 12 of them.

Indianapolis Colts receiver Austin Collie has suffered head injuries in three games this season. The last time I heard "Collie" and "head injuries" in the same sentence, Michael Vick was in court.

Jermaine Jackson says he was robbed of $192,000 in jewelry, furs and clothes. You know what Flavor Flav calls this? His daily outfit.

The Washington Post says the government has created a vast domestic spy network that collects information on Americans. Isn't that called "WikiLeaks"?

Actress Marilu Henner is one of only six people in the world who have a condition called superior autobiographical memory, where she can remember every day of her life. Or, as a man would call it, "A worst nightmare".

Blockbuster is planning on closing 182 stores by April. This is expected to come as a shock to Blockbuster's four loyal customers.

Police in New York stopped a driver for running a red light and discovered more than 500 pounds of marijuana inside his minivan. This story is being called, "A day in the life of a cab driver".

The U.S. teen birth rate hit an all-time low in 2009. This is due to the fact that teens would just prefer to watch 16 and Pregnant.

Last night was the premeire of "Million Dollar Money Drop", where contestants are given $1,000,000 and watch it slowly disappear. Or, as Charles Barkley calls it, "Tuesday".

WikiLeaks founder Julian Assange has sold his memoirs to two publishing houses. The title of his memoirs: FML.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Hard As Concrete"

Congress has repealed "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" is the official slogan of WikiLeaks - on opposite day.

A porn film was displayed on a large screen at Bangladesh’s main airport. These porn films were so graphic, at one point, the woman showed her entire left leg.

A Lady Gaga concert was cancelled in Paris because bad weather kept trucks carrying equipment from arriving. In fact, the most filled truck that couldn't make it - her outfit for that concert.

Vikings punter Chris Kluwe tweeted that the field they’ll play on Monday night is “hard as concrete”. By force of habit, Brett Favre took a picture of it.

Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo is engaged to former Miss Missouri Candace Crawford. These two people are very different. One of them is a beautiful young lady who, despite her outer beauty, has no athletic ability. The other one used to be Miss Missouri.

Eagles quarterback Michael Vick called Sunday’s win over the Giants “one of the greatest comebacks of my career.” In response, the other ten offensive players on the field were like, "Uhh... HELLO?!?!?".

An Amtrak train took 11 hours to go from Washington D.C. to New York City. I haven't heard of something that slow in Washington since the White House.

A poll says four in ten Americans believe in creationism. The other six people are the ones who are stupid enough to refer to it as "creationism".

A poll says 54% of Americans believe in evolution. The other 46% saw Larry King's final show.

WikiLeaks says that India has been accused of widespread torture. The torture has been so bad that at one point they were forced to listen to my jokes.

Golfer Rafael Cabrera-Bello was disqualified from the South African Open in the second round after losing all 11 golf balls he had in his bag. Come on, even Tiger Woods controls his balls better than that.

Tiger Woods saluted Brett Favre in a Tweet for his streak of 297 consecutive starts. Of all the ways Tiger Woods could salute Brett Favre, it's because of his consecutive starts streak.

Olympic swimmer Amanda Beard is writing a memoir that will admit she had problems with drugs, alcohol and eating disorders. Who knew she had another career as a model?

FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER JIM BARACH
A 92 year old woman successfully completed a marathon in Hawaii on Sunday. Of course, when she started the race she was 89.

That's all for today! Well, it's been three days since my knee surgery. My knee has been hurting off and on. But it's okay. At least my funny jokes will help me wi - oh, wait, never mind. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Born This Way"

Latino leaders nationwide are thinking of breaking with the Democrats to form the new Tequila Party. Well, they had the idea, but forgot about it the very next day.

Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school. Hey Bieber, let's get through the second grade, and THEN we'll talk.

Lady Gaga has promised that her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. In fact, her debut single from that album will be a duet with Kanye West: Devil in a New Meat Dress.

A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. He hit the ground harder than Michael Vick when he got sacked.

Actor Leslie Nielsen had died at the age of 84. He has asked his loved ones to not remember him as Shirley.

An actor playing a dying Sigmund Freud in a stage production collapsed during a performance. His friends kept telling him, "Dude, the play is over now".

President Obama has proposed a two year freeze on pay for federal workers. This is terrible. How can these people feed their families?

San Francisco has outlawed sitting or lying on the sidewalk. I wonder though, how will homeless people pay their fines?

A study says that one in nine teens or young adults is on a prescription medication. And of those teens that are on the medication, one in one hundred actually have a prescription.

15% of incoming Congressional Representatives plan on sleeping in their offices. While they are supposed to be working.

A $65 Million production of “Spider Man” on Broadway has flopped because of a dull score and baffling script. In that case, why is Jersey Shore such a success?

An English soccer team lost a match 55-0. Ironically enough, their team nickname: the Bengals.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for a game-winning pass Johnson dropped. What's the difference between God and the Bills' chances of winning? God actually exists.

A reported 107 Million people took part in Cyber Monday this year. Cyber Monday is followed up by Credit Card Debt Tuesday.

24 year old Chinese pop star Wang Bei has died from complications during plastic surgery. In a related story, people are recommending Heidi Montag see that exact doctor.

A study says that wine may help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. Finally, some good news for Charlie Sheen.

The federal government is ordering local governments to replace street signs. This is a good idea, considering that many stop signs say, "Stop! In the name of love."

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Next Release"

While playing basketball, President Obama was hit in the mouth with an elbow. The last time somebody was hit in the mouth at the White House, Joe Biden was giving a speech.

A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.

A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.

The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...

Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.

Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...

New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.

A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.

England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.

MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.

The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?

A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.

The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.

Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Quidditch Lingerie"

English turkey tycoon Bernard Matthews died on Thanksgiving Day at age 80. That's like Santa Claus dying on Christmas.

A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".

Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".

Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?

A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.

A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?

A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.

A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.

Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.

Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?

An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?

Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".

Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Christian By Choice"

A new survey shows that Americans do not know much about religion. That's because all the brainiacs are not religious.

President Obama’s top economic advisor Larry Summers said, “People aren’t going to live with their parents forever.” Hey, Mr. Summers, go to ComicCon and say that.

A Canadian judge struck down that nation’s laws against prostitution. This is great news for all three hookers that live in Canada.

Michael Vick’s jerseys are in demand. Unfortunately, half of the purchases are by dogs who want to rip them to shreds.

Collectible Justin Bieber dolls will be available in toy stores before Christmas. However, there's already a collectible Justin Bieber doll. His name is Ken.

Some Major League Baseball players are criticizing their own fans because low attendance is “disheartening” and “embarrassing”. I don't think it's our fault; the person at fault is the guy who determines ticket prices.

For the second time in two weeks, Kansas City Chiefs defensive end Shaun Smith has been accused of grabbing an opposing player’s genitals. No wonder the Chiefs are horrible; their players are going for the wrong balls.

The United States government apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York attended by President Barack Obama on Friday. Another thing Obama hopes is upside down: the graph that shows his approval rating.

TMZ is reporting that Meg Whitman hired an undocumented worker to clean her house. To which Colin Powell said, "I've never heard of such a thing".

One alleged sex victim of of Pastor Long sent a message to him, calling him a “monster”. That's odd. Usually, sex victims of pastors call them "a big stinky doo-doo head".

Downtown Los Angeles reach a record 113 degrees. If only the Dodgers were this hot.

The Census says that marriages were at a record low for 2009 with only 52% of adults in a marriage. Of that 52%, 1% of adults actually give a damn about their spouse.

The Census is reporting a record gap between rich and poor Americans. What's worse is that rich people don't really care.

The southern California heat wave left thousands without power. Soon to be a Californian without power: Arnold Schwarzenegger.

CBS and NBC pulled an upset win at the News and Documentary Emmy Awards over the favored PBS. CBS and NBC won because nobody watches PBS.

Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab, her fifth visit in three years. If she gets five more, she'll have her 11th visit free.

President Obama told an audience he is a Christian by choice. In fact, he was so confident that he swore on the Koran.

The Tampa Bay Rays will give away 20,000 tickets for their last home game of the regular season. This is expected to bring their attendance total to 20,003.

A new law in California makes it illegal to maliciously impersonate someone online. I wonder how the governor of California would get that idea.

Rutgers is starting a two year program to try to get people on campus to behave better. Isn't that called rehab?

That's all for right now! More coming tomorrow!

Congratulations to my Cincinnati Reds for clinching the National League Central! Go Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Computational Creativity"

Joke of the Day: Twilight star Kellan Lutz is fuming after viewing footage of a teenage girl who abused six puppies by hurling them into a river in Bosnia, saying he "can't get the image of the crying dogs out of my head". Now he knows how Michael Vick feels.

Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If only Paris Hilton had discovered this earlier.

Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Because nothing provides more closure about infidelity rumors than a Twitter update.

A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. This ruling has no significance unless you are a transsexual. Or if you commonly use Craigslist.

A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Isn't that the point of men drinking alcohol?

A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” Or, as Jay Leno calls it, "My monologue".

According to Yahoo! News, whenever companies start hiring freely again, job-seekers with specialized skills and education will have plenty of good opportunities. Is this the same person that said that most rappers are black?

Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.

The lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, said that Taylor Swift's singing is "horrible". Who knew Kanye West hung out with this guy?

Comedian Robert Schimmel died from injuries sustained in a car accident the week before. His car crashed almost as hard as his career.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Not Always Bad"

Joke of the Day: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said that he'll ban Coca-Cola from Iran. That's like playing the Los Angeles Lakers and double-teaming the waterboy.

Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.

A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.

July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.

Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.

President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.

Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".

The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.

UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?

The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Escaping On A Bulldozer"

Joke of the Day: The White House Budget Director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there?

A study says that three out of ten teens chat with strangers online. The other seven teens actually have friends.

Despite the recession, the world's wealthiest people have gotten richer. That ought to cheer up some blue collar workers.

South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation without briefing the Lt. Governor of his whereabouts. Hey Mark, let me ask you, is this going to be a regular thing?

Joran Van Der Sloot is reportedly getting letters in prison from women who want to marry him. These women are called "suicidal".

In Berlin, a German student who flipped off a group of Hell’s Angels tried to get away by throwing a puppy at them and then escaping on a bulldozer. Or, as we call that in America, "Michael Vick".

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!

"The Most Important Job"

Joke of the Day: A study says that Botox may temporarily paralyze a person’s emotions. It also paralyzes their facial expression.

Scientists say that it is the very small creatures who will take the brunt of the Gulf oil spill. I thought BP said they cared about the small people.

President Obama says that being a good father is “the most important job”. Considering all the crap that's going on in our country, I think that being President should be "the most important job".

British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says the Gulf oil spill could last another two to four years. When you spend a weekend watching your yacht race in Europe, that's not out of the realm of possibility.

A study says that chimpanzees in the wild will kill other chimps for land. Or, as humans call it, real estate.

A 56 year old Tennessee man has won the AARP Spelling Bee. He won by correctly spelling all the conditions he suffers from.

Vuvuzela inventor Neil Van Schalkwyk is cashing in at the World Cup. Mainly because everywhere else, he's getting death threats.

A poll says that Michael Vick is still the most hated man in sports. This poll was taken entirely by dogs.

A proposed new tax could raise the price of cigarettes in New York up to $10 a pack. The bill is called, "We only want the Yankees to smoke".

That's all for now, everybody! More later!

"Toyota Express"

Joke of the Day: Jon Gosselin reportedly was offered a spot on the next season of “Dancing With the Stars". The offer was rebuked when ABC discovered that Jon Gosselin wasn't actually a star.

This is National Pet Week. Or, as Michael Vick calls it, "My Week Off".

Los Angeles Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa wants to boycott Arizona for creating its offensive new immigration law. Believe me, I can't think of anyone better to boycott the immigration law than a guy named Antonio.

Cell phone sales have gone up 22% as the economy recovers. Apparently the auto industry is whipping itself back into shape as well.

One third of pet owning women say their pet is a better listener than their husband. The other two thirds of pet owning women own pets that are deaf.

Researchers say the iPad can cause insomnia. That's because iPad users are using their devices all night.

A study says that high speeds and sudden turns on roller coasters can cause hearing damage. The study was conducted at that unbelievably intense ride, "Toyota Express".

Former NFL running back Corey Dillon has been arrested on suspicion of assaulting his wife during an argument at their Southern California home. Dillon was then offered a contract by the Pittsburgh Steelers.

Two of the oldest people in the world have died on the same day. The funerals will feature eulogies from their old babysitter, Larry King.

That's all for today! I have more coming tomorrow!

"A Carnival Attraction"

Joke of the Day: Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens celebrated his 90th birthday. Do you have any idea how old he is? The candles cost more than the actual cake.

The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.

The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.

Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.

Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.

Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?

An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.

A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.

Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.

A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.

A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.

A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.

A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.

A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".

The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.

The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.

A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.

L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.

That's all for now. More later!