"Some Dude In A Tie"

San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. This has proved extremely controversial, but his approval rating is still 100% among opposing defensive backs.

San Francisco 49ers QB Colin Kaepernick refused to stand during the national anthem before a game. However, I expect him to stand during the national anthem from now on, mainly because you can't sit down on the job while waiting tables.

Ryan Lochte signed a sponsorship deal with a cough drop company. It makes sense since he has a sore throat from putting his foot in his mouth.

Former No. 1 overall draft pick Kwame Brown is attempting an NBA comeback. This is according to his new agency, the Make-A-Wish Foundation.

The Cleveland Browns named Robert Griffin III their week 1 starting quarterback. As a result, Cleveland gym memberships increased by 97% so Browns fans can be in shape when they run RGIII out of town by Week 5.

Donald Trump selected Indiana Governor Mike Pence as his running mate. In other words, a guy who based his campaign on the "I'm not just another politician" platform selected a politician as his running mate.

Derrick Rose was traded from the Chicago Bulls to the New York Knicks. The full details of the trade: the New York Knicks traded three players to the Chicago Bulls for Derrick Rose and 17 doctors to be named later.

The Cleveland Cavaliers won the 2016 NBA Championship. After they won the title, rioters in Cleveland caused $10 million in improvements.

Microsoft bought LinkedIn for $26.2 billion. "This is really exciting and a big day," said what I am assuming is some dude in a tie.

Tony Romo said "I have 4 seasons left in me". Any football fan knows that those seasons are Summer 2016, Fall 2016, Winter 2016 and Spring 2017.

A study said Javier Bardem's character in “No Country For Old Men” is the most realistic film psychopath. A close second: anyone who paid to see Zoolander 2.

Basketball coach Bobby Knight has endorsed Donald Trump. This is mainly because of Trump's campaign promise to throw a chair at ISIS headquarters.

Jerry Springer said that Donald Trump will not be President. This upset Donald Trump voters, most of whom have been guests on the Jerry Springer show.

That's all I have for right now! The sports world has been bananas over the past few months, which probably explains my influx of sports jokes. The world around us is not any less crazy by any means, and my world has just started to get as crazy as it could possibly get. I graduated college, I've been working like crazy, I've progressed as a joke writer, and I took a giant step into manhood (yeah, that one). It's been a crazy ride, but we've only just started the car. But I can't drive that car because my driver's license was suspended until January 1st. Unless it's for work, I'm screwed.

Anyway, I'll have more monologue jokes on New Year's Eve where I'll reflect on the life changing year that has been 2016. LEGGO!!!!!!

"Relaxed And Smart"

Oscar’s co-host actress Anne Hathaway described her evening as “an amazing experience”. Viewers of the Oscars will certainly beg to differ.

Google has confirmed they’ve had experienced missing emails from some Gmail accounts. And at least three of them didn't say that we had a hard time getting erections.

Entertainment Weekly said Anne Hathaway and James Franco were "marvelous" calling them "funny, poised, relaxed, and smart." Five things people have never called me.

Charlie Sheen, who is the highest paid actor in television, wants a raise. Well who could blame him?

Former coach Bobby Knight will be inducted into the National Collegiate Basketball Hall of Fame. Someone better check out that speech of his.

Baron Davis will wear number 85 on his jersey with the Cleveland Cavaliers. He better not change his name to Ochocinco.

Bernard Madoff says the government’s financial reform is a joke and that the government is just a Ponzi scheme. And then he said, "But enough about my business strategy".

Charlie Sheen’s publicity agent has resigned. His reason for quitting: his workload was too much.

A sociologist says that hookers are going to Facebook to find clients since the crackdown on Craigslist. When speaking of their methodology, he said, "It's complicated".

An Alabama man accidentally shot himself, and then his wife was shot by their small child who picked up the gun. And they were still Alabama's "Family of the Year".

Charlie Sheen says he is tired of pretending he isn’t a rock star from Mars. Maybe it was a bad idea for his publicist to resign.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!