Hooters had a Valentine's Day promotion where you received 10 free wings if you brought in a picture of your ex to shred. Because what better way to say "screw you" to your ex than telling them you still think about them while you eat chicken wings by yourself.
Rapper Sheck Wes has been accused of being abusive to an ex-girlfriend. This explains why he had to change the opening line of Mo Bamba to "I got hoes callin' 9-1-1".
The New England Patriots won Super Bowl LIII against the LA Rams. The best part of the victory is that they can go to Disney World and visit Josh Gordon while he's working the concession stand.
Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson won the Precision Passing contest at the 2019 Pro Bowl by hitting the most targets. His secret to winning was imagining that all the targets were pictures of Malcolm Butler.
Rapper Lil Uzi Vert said that he's going to stop making music. When hearing how upset this news made his fans, he responded to them by saying, "I don't really care if you cry."
Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of manufacturing a crisis. Though if it's any consolation, at least something of Donald Trump's was manufactured in America.
A serial arsonist is targeting Jehovah's Witnesses in Washington State. Wow, you must really hate members of a religion to set your own front doorstep on fire.
Tumblr is getting rid of adult content. Or, to put it in the terms of a Tumblr user: "We can't adult anymore."
The Washington Redskins have signed QB Mark Sanchez. They did this so he could come in and teach Colt McCoy how to properly run into his own offensive lineman.
The Cleveland Indians are getting rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo. If you're upset about that team getting rid of the logo that's an offensive depiction of a Native American, there's a 100% chance that you have a profile picture that looks like an offensive depiction of a white person.
The Cleveland Cavaliers were awarded the 2022 NBA All Star Game. This is a part of the Cavs' effort to show citizens of Cleveland what a professional basketball team looks like.
The Cleveland Browns have signed RB Kareem Hunt. This gives Browns fans the perfect excuse to start putting paper bags over their heads again.
New Jacksonville Jaguars RB Carlos Hyde says he's a perfect fit for the Jags offense. This is due to his incredible ability to tackle defenders after Blake Bortles throws an interception.
Last year, Atlanta Falcons RB Tevin Coleman became the father of twins. This makes him one of the few NFL players to have multiple children with the same woman.
Donald Trump reportedly wanted to buy decades of dirt that the National Enquirer had on him. If the purchase is successful, the public will never get to hear the incredible story about Trump's affair with a space alien.
Police in Illinois discovered 218 severed dicks in the house of a mortician. He's expected to be charged with 218 counts of disturbing the penis.
That's all I have for right now! Well, little bit of an update to those of you who somehow made it to this last paragraph and still even bother to read it and keep up: since my last post, I no longer DJ at Uncle Woody's or Ladder 19. Those places were definitely fun while they lasted, but we all decided to go our separate ways. I will miss the camaraderie and fun times I had at those places, and will look back fondly on doing those gigs several years down the road. I met so many people and can't thank all of them enough for giving me so many killer nights out.
Sentimentality aside, I'm still going hard at standup, and I am currently planning a couple big summer trips to pursue standup even harder and check out a couple bigger standup scenes. Also, I still have my DJ gig at Milano's on Saturday nights at UD, which has quickly become the highlight of my week every week!
Anyway, I'll have more jokes coming later on!
Showing posts with label Mark Sanchez. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mark Sanchez. Show all posts
Tuesday, April 2, 2019
Monday, March 14, 2016
"Hangover-Free Alcohol"
Justice Antonin Scalia died at the age of 79. It's a shame that Antonin Scalia died before he could witness the hurricane that God caused as a result of legalized gay marriage.
Mark Sanchez has been acquired by the Denver Broncos. It's a part of their effort to go from an old washed-up starting QB to a much younger washed-up starting QB.
Erin Andrews received $55 million in her nude video case. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert received $55 million in his nude video case if he promised not to show anyone his video.
Peyton Manning has retired from the NFL. This officially made him the last person on Earth to decide that Peyton Manning should retire.
Jared Fogle has gained 30 pounds in jail. This hopefully makes him gross enough to invalidate all those "he'll get footlongs in jail" jokes.
A conspiracy theorist said that Katy Perry is really JonBenét Ramsey. This conspiracy theory is completely false. For starters, the fact that JonBenét Ramsey was found in her parents' basement means she has more in common with a conspiracy theorist than with Katy Perry.
Spike Lee has endorsed Bernie Sanders. Instead of giving a normal endorsement speech, he's gonna shout it from the first row of the audience.
Pete Rose has endorsed Donald Trump. This proves that even the all time leader in hits has a few misses every now and then.
Ted Cruz ran a campaign ad featuring a porn actress. Even worse, Donald Trump ran a campaign ad featuring Donald Trump.
An Oregon teen died after stabbing himself at an open mic in front of a stunned crowd. I don't believe this story at all. There was a crowd at an open mic?
Blake Griffin broke his hand after punching an equipment manager. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert broke his hand after slapping his knee from laughing so hard.
North Korea claims to have created a hangover-free alcohol. They told interested Americans the secret ingredient is "definitely not cyanide".
Singer Don McLean was arrested for domestic violence. This is after he drove his Chevy to the levee so nobody could hear his wife's screams.
Well, that's all I got for right now. LIFE UPDATE TIME AHHHherewego: Well, 2016 has been a year of ups and downs so far. I'm DJing at two college bars near UC. I'm meeting a lot of cool people through that, and I'm having the best time doing it. It's given me an excuse to live the college lifestyle that I've wanted to live for so long. I feel like I'm 19 all over again, but I'm funnier and in better shape. Comedy? Yeah, still doing that (I haven't quit, who'da thunk it?). But so far, it's been just a normal year. Also, I graduate college in less than two months. I don't want to go because there are some aspects of it that keep me young and fresh, but I'm about ready to go. I'm ready to not have any more pressure of turning in term papers on time and all that jazz, but I for sure am gonna miss having summers off to dick around and do nothing. In the process, I plan on pursuing comedy hardcore once I graduate. College has given me a lot of great jokes and joke premises, but once I graduate, I plan on getting way better jokes and having a whole buncha new experiences. Anyway, I'll have more jokes in a few months for your viewing pleasure!
By the way, this is pretty cool: I'm hosting for Cy Amundson at Go Bananas from April 14-17. So come on out and enjoy a bunch of straight white males (Mike Cronin will be there as well) do straight white comedy. If you want free tickets, hit me up.
Mark Sanchez has been acquired by the Denver Broncos. It's a part of their effort to go from an old washed-up starting QB to a much younger washed-up starting QB.
Erin Andrews received $55 million in her nude video case. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert received $55 million in his nude video case if he promised not to show anyone his video.
Peyton Manning has retired from the NFL. This officially made him the last person on Earth to decide that Peyton Manning should retire.
Jared Fogle has gained 30 pounds in jail. This hopefully makes him gross enough to invalidate all those "he'll get footlongs in jail" jokes.
A conspiracy theorist said that Katy Perry is really JonBenét Ramsey. This conspiracy theory is completely false. For starters, the fact that JonBenét Ramsey was found in her parents' basement means she has more in common with a conspiracy theorist than with Katy Perry.
Spike Lee has endorsed Bernie Sanders. Instead of giving a normal endorsement speech, he's gonna shout it from the first row of the audience.
Pete Rose has endorsed Donald Trump. This proves that even the all time leader in hits has a few misses every now and then.
Ted Cruz ran a campaign ad featuring a porn actress. Even worse, Donald Trump ran a campaign ad featuring Donald Trump.
An Oregon teen died after stabbing himself at an open mic in front of a stunned crowd. I don't believe this story at all. There was a crowd at an open mic?
Blake Griffin broke his hand after punching an equipment manager. Meanwhile, Alex Schubert broke his hand after slapping his knee from laughing so hard.
North Korea claims to have created a hangover-free alcohol. They told interested Americans the secret ingredient is "definitely not cyanide".
Singer Don McLean was arrested for domestic violence. This is after he drove his Chevy to the levee so nobody could hear his wife's screams.
Well, that's all I got for right now. LIFE UPDATE TIME AHHHherewego: Well, 2016 has been a year of ups and downs so far. I'm DJing at two college bars near UC. I'm meeting a lot of cool people through that, and I'm having the best time doing it. It's given me an excuse to live the college lifestyle that I've wanted to live for so long. I feel like I'm 19 all over again, but I'm funnier and in better shape. Comedy? Yeah, still doing that (I haven't quit, who'da thunk it?). But so far, it's been just a normal year. Also, I graduate college in less than two months. I don't want to go because there are some aspects of it that keep me young and fresh, but I'm about ready to go. I'm ready to not have any more pressure of turning in term papers on time and all that jazz, but I for sure am gonna miss having summers off to dick around and do nothing. In the process, I plan on pursuing comedy hardcore once I graduate. College has given me a lot of great jokes and joke premises, but once I graduate, I plan on getting way better jokes and having a whole buncha new experiences. Anyway, I'll have more jokes in a few months for your viewing pleasure!
By the way, this is pretty cool: I'm hosting for Cy Amundson at Go Bananas from April 14-17. So come on out and enjoy a bunch of straight white males (Mike Cronin will be there as well) do straight white comedy. If you want free tickets, hit me up.
Monday, January 24, 2011
"Caught On Live TV"
Actor Richard Dean Anderson, TV’s MacGyver, celebrated his 61st birthday on Sunday. For his birthday, he received a paper clip, a rubber band, and a thumbtack.
“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)
South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.
Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.
Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.
MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)
A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.
A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“No Strings Attached” was #1 at the box office this weekend. I'm surprised it was #1, especially since everyone who went didn't think about the movie after they saw it. (think about it)
South Carolina prison officials took a cell phone from an inmate who’d been updating his Facebook page from prison. Of course, since he was in prison, his relationship status was "It's complicated".
New York Jets quarterback Mark Sanchez was caught on live TV wiping a booger on a teammate’s jacket. He tried to flick the booger off, but it was intercepted by a Pittsburgh defensive back.
Pope Benedict XVI says that not everyone has a right to marry. He was talking specifically to Charlie Sheen.
Apple has sold its 10 Billionth app. To put that in perspective, that's about one app per hour that Americans waste on their iPhones.
MTV “Teen Mom 2” star Leah Simms says she has learned from her mistakes. She learned that it's possible for a whore to become a celebrity at such a young age. (just ask Britney Spears)
A Minnesota bar owner roasted a bear to support the Green Bay Packers on Sunday. I don't think it was necessary. The Packers defense already did that.
A Scottish study says that eating fruits and vegetables gives the skin a healthier glow than tanning. In response, the cast of Jersey Shore said, "Like hell it does".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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