Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. Considering the flirtatious nature of butt slaps, the judge charged OBJ with assault and flattery.
NBA star Derrick Rose was fined $25k for throwing a pen in the stands during a game. Coincidentally enough, a flying pen was the cause of Derrick Rose's last shattered kneecap.
Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. This is a strange change of pace, as the Browns are usually the ones getting spanked.
A college professor at Drexel was caught spending $185,000 on strippers, sports bars, and iTunes. It's incredibly disappointing, as that amount of money could've gone towards purchasing two college textbooks.
Kellyanne Conway says that Martin Luther King Jr. would have disapproved of Donald Trump's impeachment. Coincidentally enough, most Americans disapprove of Kellyanne Conway getting any opportunity to talk.
Rapper B.o.B has come forward as a flat earther. This is not a surprising view for him, considering how hard he fell off of the map.
A Cleveland police officer who urinated on a girl as she waited for the bus is being sentenced to four and a half years in prison. The worst part is, because of this sentence, he won’t be able to receive his “Cleveland Police Officer Of The Year” award in person.
Kim Kardashian says she first heard the suggestion for the name North West as a joke on the Tonight Show. Getting name suggestions from jokes from the Tonight Show was cute for North, but not so much for her other son, ImTellingYouTheEconomyIsReallyBad.
Seattle is the first city in the U.S. to allow voting by smartphone. The hard part of this voting tactic will be collecting their "I voted" sticker while driving.
Brett Favre says he sees some of his own traits in Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes. In a related story, all the Chiefs’ sideline reporters have blocked Patrick Mahomes’ phone number.
A man who impersonated a doctor in order to persuade women and girls to electrocute themselves for his own sexual gratification has been jailed for 11 years. The man allegedly showed no remorse in court, as he began to masturbate while the judge was announcing the (ahem...) charges.
Billie Eilish says she made her Grammy winning album in her bedroom at her parents house. Which makes sense, considering she sings like her parents are asleep in the next room over.
A girl on the Bachelor went to a private concert for a date of Chase Rice, who was an ex boyfriend of hers. I actually find it nice that they had her past ex-boyfriend play music for her future ex-boyfriend.
Prince Andrew reportedly is offering zero cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein probe. This marks the first time that someone not cooperating with a Jeffrey Epstein probe was an adult.
A study says lowering the speed limit is ineffective in reducing wildlife vehicle collisions. They plan to take it a step further: teaching the wildlife not to text and drive.
The Panthers have released TE Greg Olsen. And per tradition, he was released onto a bench after having his arm around two trainers.
Well, that's all I have for January! I've maintained my goal to write one monologue joke per day. Are they all funny? That's for you to decide. More coming mid-February!
Showing posts with label Carolina Panthers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Carolina Panthers. Show all posts
Friday, January 31, 2020
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"A Half Sister"
Glenn Beck recently called Keith Olbermann "the world's biggest pain in the ass". People who have met me will beg to differ.
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 14, 2011
"Money For Nothing"
Andy Rooney is 92 years old today. Now, "60 Minutes" refers to the amount of time everyone thinks he has to live.
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.
The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?
A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?
Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.
Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?
The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.
Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".
A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.
The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?
A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?
Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.
Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?
The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.
Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".
A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 10, 2011
"Not An Issue"
Two House Republicans apologized for voting six times even though they had missed on their swearing-in ceremony. Then again, that is the election process for a politician.
“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.
The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.
The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.
On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?
Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.
The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.
Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".
Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.
67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.
A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?
Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.
A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".
New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.
The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.
The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.
On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?
Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.
The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.
Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".
Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.
67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.
A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?
Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.
A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".
New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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