California Gov. Jerry Brown issued an order recalling one-half of the 96,000 cell phones for which the state is paying the bill. How are they going to be taken away? Are government agents going to put their hands in people's pockets? Then again, they do that with our tax money.
A Japanese technology company created a mirror that measures and displays the body temperature of the person looking into it. I tried it yesterday, but the mirror broke.
Kirstie Alley and Rush Limbaugh both turned 60 years old today. They are very different. One is an 60-year old woman who never stops eating, and the other one is Kirstie Alley.
A city in New Jersey is considering random drug tests for school children as young as in the 6th grade. And if you go in one of the schools, you may see 12-year old Snooki nervous as hell.
An Italian man who was shot in the head actually sneezed the bullet out his nose. And you thought it was weird when a pile of snot came out of your nose.
The number of mobile broadband users around the world could top 1 Billion in 2011. Who knew there are 1 Billion drivers in the world?
The new “American Idol” judges say they won’t be villainous in their roles. Especially Steven Tyler. He feels that his face is scary enough.
A study says that ATMs are as dirty as toilets. In fact, the United States economy is involved with both.
Google co-founder Larry Page has bought a $45 Million yacht. He named it "I'm Feeling Lucky".
A New Jersey school teacher claims he hasn’t called in sick in 40 years on the job. It's pretty impressive that she hasn't been sick, considering the fact that she lives in New Jersey.
A study says that taking a break for even a minute from sitting down can improve heart health. Wow. How fat are we getting in this country when we need a break from sitting down.
Kathie Lee Gifford gave some advice to Snooki from “Jersey Shore”, telling her not to just give herself to any jerk. You know you're screwed up when Kathie Lee Gifford is giving you advice.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Taxes. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Taxes. Show all posts
Wednesday, January 12, 2011
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
"Known And Unknown"
After stating that illegal immigrants worked around his house, Colin Powell now says he doesn’t hire illegals. Anymore.
Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.
Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?
Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.
Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.
The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?
A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".
Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.
Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?
A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?
Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.
Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.
That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!
Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.
Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?
Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.
Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.
The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?
A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".
Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.
Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?
A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?
Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.
Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.
That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
"Potentially Harmful Bacteria"
Joke of the Day: The Gateway Arch in St. Louis was found to be showing signs of rust and decay. It's big, in St. Louis, and showing signs of rust and decay. Kind of like the Rams.
North Dakota has the lowest unemployment rate in the country at 3.6%. Who knew it would be easy to find a job in the middle of nowhere?
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. That brings the total number of people on Mel Gibson's side to two.
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. Of all people...
California is suing “Tax Lady” Roni Lynn Deutch for $34 Million, saying she swindled thousands of customers. They do realize she is a "Tax" Lady right?
Ham that was distributed to Walmart delicatessens nationwide and sold in sandwiches has been recalled because it might be tainted with potentially harmful bacteria. Considering all the food recalls, the unnamed character in "Green Eggs and Ham" was right to refuse the meal.
House Republican leader John Boehner on Tuesday urged President Barack Obama to support an extension of tax cuts and to fire key economic advisers, arguing that 19 month of "government as community organizer" hasn't worked. Well gee, thanks John Boehner. I'm sure everybody has figured that out by now.
Amsterdam police have found 7,000 kg of marijuana and hashish in a warehouse near Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands. The warehouse door read the initials A.W., for Amy Winehouse.
A newly discovered type of oil-eating microbe is suddenly flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. To which BP said, "Yes. That was totally our idea. You can thank us.".
That's all I have for today. More coming tomorrow on my first day of school.
North Dakota has the lowest unemployment rate in the country at 3.6%. Who knew it would be easy to find a job in the middle of nowhere?
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. That brings the total number of people on Mel Gibson's side to two.
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. Of all people...
California is suing “Tax Lady” Roni Lynn Deutch for $34 Million, saying she swindled thousands of customers. They do realize she is a "Tax" Lady right?
Ham that was distributed to Walmart delicatessens nationwide and sold in sandwiches has been recalled because it might be tainted with potentially harmful bacteria. Considering all the food recalls, the unnamed character in "Green Eggs and Ham" was right to refuse the meal.
House Republican leader John Boehner on Tuesday urged President Barack Obama to support an extension of tax cuts and to fire key economic advisers, arguing that 19 month of "government as community organizer" hasn't worked. Well gee, thanks John Boehner. I'm sure everybody has figured that out by now.
Amsterdam police have found 7,000 kg of marijuana and hashish in a warehouse near Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands. The warehouse door read the initials A.W., for Amy Winehouse.
A newly discovered type of oil-eating microbe is suddenly flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. To which BP said, "Yes. That was totally our idea. You can thank us.".
That's all I have for today. More coming tomorrow on my first day of school.
Monday, April 26, 2010
"Mayberry With A Beach"
Joke of the Day: A Detroit strip club manager was arrested for employing a 14 year old female dancer who was making up to $350 a day. Still yet to be discovered, the dancer's seven-year-old brother was employed by the Catholic Church.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. It's the first book by a President to be entirely in pictures.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. May I suggest a title? It's a book about his presidency. It should be called "Zero Points".
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. One-thousand signed copies are available for $350 each. And for an extra $100, George will let you keep the crayon he used to sign it.
World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says we should stop sending broadcast signals into space to contact alien life forms. Here's a good idea for a start: Get Stephen Hawking a translator.
A North Carolina town called “Mayberry with a beach” has banned swimmers from wearing thongs. And yet, still no word on Grandpa and his Speedo.
In Scotland, a man was accused of weighing his penis on a grocery store’s produce scale. The man became seriously embarrassed when the scale voice told him, "Object not detected, please try again."
A poll says that 60% of Americans support a National Day of Prayer. Of those 60%, 100% of them want to designate April 15 as the National Day of Prayer.
China may ease its long hated one child rule for couples. China is demanding that if a family was to have two children, at least one of them must be employed.
A doorman strike was narrowly averted in New York City. NYC citizens were extremely upset. They actually had to open doors all by theirselves.
A study says genetics determine at what age a child learns to read. It's unknown whether they learn to text before they learn to read.
Joe Paterno says he favors the Big Ten expanding from eleven to fourteen teams. Even though the conference is clearly called the Big Ten.
The USOC has ended their plan for an Olympics network. It's not anybody's fault. They just didn't want to over-advertise crappy NBC programming.
That's it for now. By the way, congratulation to me! This is my 100th blog post! Come on, celebrate with me faithful reader!
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. It's the first book by a President to be entirely in pictures.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. May I suggest a title? It's a book about his presidency. It should be called "Zero Points".
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. One-thousand signed copies are available for $350 each. And for an extra $100, George will let you keep the crayon he used to sign it.
World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says we should stop sending broadcast signals into space to contact alien life forms. Here's a good idea for a start: Get Stephen Hawking a translator.
A North Carolina town called “Mayberry with a beach” has banned swimmers from wearing thongs. And yet, still no word on Grandpa and his Speedo.
In Scotland, a man was accused of weighing his penis on a grocery store’s produce scale. The man became seriously embarrassed when the scale voice told him, "Object not detected, please try again."
A poll says that 60% of Americans support a National Day of Prayer. Of those 60%, 100% of them want to designate April 15 as the National Day of Prayer.
China may ease its long hated one child rule for couples. China is demanding that if a family was to have two children, at least one of them must be employed.
A doorman strike was narrowly averted in New York City. NYC citizens were extremely upset. They actually had to open doors all by theirselves.
A study says genetics determine at what age a child learns to read. It's unknown whether they learn to text before they learn to read.
Joe Paterno says he favors the Big Ten expanding from eleven to fourteen teams. Even though the conference is clearly called the Big Ten.
The USOC has ended their plan for an Olympics network. It's not anybody's fault. They just didn't want to over-advertise crappy NBC programming.
That's it for now. By the way, congratulation to me! This is my 100th blog post! Come on, celebrate with me faithful reader!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
"Fat-Melting Injections"
Joke of the Day: Scientists have created a new, super heavy element. The name is going to be either "Oprum" or "Winfrium".
A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. I guess these people want to apply for a job as a Heidi Montag lookalike.
A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. We call these people "Hollywood wannabes".
The IRS is launching a program to target high wealth individuals to make them pay their taxes. This shows how bad the economy is. Even wealthy Americans can't afford to pay taxes.
A 13 year old California boy is going to attempt to climb Mt. Everest. This marks the first time in history that a Mt. Everest climber has needed chaperones.
A poll says Americans feel this is the right time to buy a house. They also said that they wish they had money to buy one in the first place.
Illness has forced the cancellation of a Whitney Houston concert in Paris. Whitney will only feel better if she lays down next to a coffee table.
Two women were arrested at a British airport for trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a plane. Police became suspicious when they had carry-on luggage but they didn't have any bags.
NFL quarterback Brett Favre became a grandfather for the first time, making him the only player currently in the NFL with a grandchild. Now Brett has someone he can share diapers with.
An upstate New York man was accused of stealing a vacuum cleaner from a department store on Friday — with his children there. What do the man's planning and the vacuum cleaner have in common? They both suck.
The Food and Drug Administration is cracking down on what are billed as fat-melting injections used in spas across the U.S., saying the drugs have not been proven to be safe. The FDA should also consider a crackdown on McDonald's, Burger King, and Taco Bell.
People in non-romantic sexual relationships today are likely to have multiple partners, researchers have found. These researchers need to research more people than Tiger Woods, John Edwards, and Jesse James.
Prolonged exposure to lead, particularly among children, may damage developing brain, kidneys and other organs. You know what this means? A child's first job should not be Walmart.
A new study says that a gene links lower birth weight to diabetes later in life. You know what this means for babies? They won't be skinny for long...
This was a great day for me! Definitely the greatness will continue tomorrow!
A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. I guess these people want to apply for a job as a Heidi Montag lookalike.
A survey shows that more job seekers are having cosmetic surgery procedures done. We call these people "Hollywood wannabes".
The IRS is launching a program to target high wealth individuals to make them pay their taxes. This shows how bad the economy is. Even wealthy Americans can't afford to pay taxes.
A 13 year old California boy is going to attempt to climb Mt. Everest. This marks the first time in history that a Mt. Everest climber has needed chaperones.
A poll says Americans feel this is the right time to buy a house. They also said that they wish they had money to buy one in the first place.
Illness has forced the cancellation of a Whitney Houston concert in Paris. Whitney will only feel better if she lays down next to a coffee table.
Two women were arrested at a British airport for trying to smuggle a dead relative onto a plane. Police became suspicious when they had carry-on luggage but they didn't have any bags.
NFL quarterback Brett Favre became a grandfather for the first time, making him the only player currently in the NFL with a grandchild. Now Brett has someone he can share diapers with.
An upstate New York man was accused of stealing a vacuum cleaner from a department store on Friday — with his children there. What do the man's planning and the vacuum cleaner have in common? They both suck.
The Food and Drug Administration is cracking down on what are billed as fat-melting injections used in spas across the U.S., saying the drugs have not been proven to be safe. The FDA should also consider a crackdown on McDonald's, Burger King, and Taco Bell.
People in non-romantic sexual relationships today are likely to have multiple partners, researchers have found. These researchers need to research more people than Tiger Woods, John Edwards, and Jesse James.
Prolonged exposure to lead, particularly among children, may damage developing brain, kidneys and other organs. You know what this means? A child's first job should not be Walmart.
A new study says that a gene links lower birth weight to diabetes later in life. You know what this means for babies? They won't be skinny for long...
This was a great day for me! Definitely the greatness will continue tomorrow!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
"Too Fat By 2020"
A study of King Tut's body has shown that he probably died due to complications stemming from malaria and a broken leg. Now I'm still not sure how Ken Griffey Jr. didn't die in Cincinnati.
The Cleveland Cavaliers acquired Antawn Jamison from Washington on Wednesday night in exchange for Zydrunas Ilgauskas, a 2010 first round pick, and ten unloaded handguns.
NBC is hoping the Olympics brings back some of the audience they have lost in recent years. As a matter of fact, they will show reruns of the Olympics at 11:35 once they finish.
A plane crashed into an office building housing nearly 200 federal tax employees on Thursday, setting off a raging fire that sent workers fleeing as thick plumes of black smoke poured into the air. It's nice how these people get a little preview of hell before they die.
A southwestern Pennsylvania woman was charged with hitting her adult son with a Louisville Slugger after she allegedly came home drunk. The woman has been charged with assault while the son was charged with a baseball bat.
Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. Of course he didn't sleep. He had so many late night plans it was hard to catch up.
Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. That's because Hillary kept waking him up at 3 A.M. to answer the phone for her.
A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. The study was conducted once Bill Clinton received his diagnosis.
A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. This study has made happy people even happier and sad people even sadder.
A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. This marks the first time in history that 2020 was worse on BBC than on ABC.
A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. And you thought their teeth were unhealthy...
A study says that young Americans are less religious than their parents. Especially since the hit song when parents were young was "Livin' On A Prayer".
That's it for right now! Hopefully they get better tomorrow.
The Cleveland Cavaliers acquired Antawn Jamison from Washington on Wednesday night in exchange for Zydrunas Ilgauskas, a 2010 first round pick, and ten unloaded handguns.
NBC is hoping the Olympics brings back some of the audience they have lost in recent years. As a matter of fact, they will show reruns of the Olympics at 11:35 once they finish.
A plane crashed into an office building housing nearly 200 federal tax employees on Thursday, setting off a raging fire that sent workers fleeing as thick plumes of black smoke poured into the air. It's nice how these people get a little preview of hell before they die.
A southwestern Pennsylvania woman was charged with hitting her adult son with a Louisville Slugger after she allegedly came home drunk. The woman has been charged with assault while the son was charged with a baseball bat.
Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. Of course he didn't sleep. He had so many late night plans it was hard to catch up.
Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. That's because Hillary kept waking him up at 3 A.M. to answer the phone for her.
A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. The study was conducted once Bill Clinton received his diagnosis.
A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. This study has made happy people even happier and sad people even sadder.
A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. This marks the first time in history that 2020 was worse on BBC than on ABC.
A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. And you thought their teeth were unhealthy...
A study says that young Americans are less religious than their parents. Especially since the hit song when parents were young was "Livin' On A Prayer".
That's it for right now! Hopefully they get better tomorrow.
Friday, February 12, 2010
"Stealing Company Secrets"
A list of the fifty sexiest songs of all time puts Olivia Newton John's "Physical" at number one. "Like A Virgin" was number one until they saw Madonna was the singer.
Bill Clinton was hospitalized with chest pains, which may have been related to his heart. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that Bill Clinton had a bad heart.
A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke...
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the NBA All Star game “blows away” the Super Bowl in nearly every way. One thing he has clearly forgotten: advertising.
"Amour," the French word for love, has been voted the most romantic word in the world in a pre-Valentine's Day survey of language experts. The least romantic word in the world: The English word for "Marriage".
Only a tiny fraction of women at high risk of developing breast cancer take tamoxifen to prevent the disease. I might be able to explain. You can't spell tamoxifen without T-A-X.
Reputed Goldman Sachs spy Sergey Aleynikov has been indicted for stealing company secrets. Those must have been some crappy secrets...
DirecTV Inc. is suing its rival, Dish Network Corp., for running an advertisement claiming that Dish delivers the same programs for less money. Uh, most people call that "advertising".
Well, that's it for today. I hope to have better jokes tomorrow, but I thought these were pretty funny.
Bill Clinton was hospitalized with chest pains, which may have been related to his heart. Seriously, if I had a nickel for every time I heard that Bill Clinton had a bad heart.
A study says that chocolate may lower your chances of a stroke. That is, a swimming stroke, a golf stroke, a tennis stroke...
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban says the NBA All Star game “blows away” the Super Bowl in nearly every way. One thing he has clearly forgotten: advertising.
"Amour," the French word for love, has been voted the most romantic word in the world in a pre-Valentine's Day survey of language experts. The least romantic word in the world: The English word for "Marriage".
Only a tiny fraction of women at high risk of developing breast cancer take tamoxifen to prevent the disease. I might be able to explain. You can't spell tamoxifen without T-A-X.
Reputed Goldman Sachs spy Sergey Aleynikov has been indicted for stealing company secrets. Those must have been some crappy secrets...
DirecTV Inc. is suing its rival, Dish Network Corp., for running an advertisement claiming that Dish delivers the same programs for less money. Uh, most people call that "advertising".
Well, that's it for today. I hope to have better jokes tomorrow, but I thought these were pretty funny.
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