"A Predictor Of Dementia"

Singer Whitney Houston's funeral was today. Whitney specifically asked that her two closest friends sit in the front row: Gin and tonic.

Actor Robert Pattinson said he may be too old to appear in the next Twilight film. I hope to God he's right.

In a recent interview, Khloe Kardashian said that she has a very active sex life with Lamar Odom. Who would fuck that ugly man? I mean seriously, Lamar, what are you thinking?

The NYPD was recently discovered to have been monitoring the activity of Muslim college students. Even the LAPD is disgusted by the amount of racial profiling there.

Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum questioned President Obama's Christian values. Just because Obama doesn't hate gay people, doesn't mean he's not a Christian.

A study says that slow walking can be a predictor of dementia. Sorry, gangstas.

A University of Illinois professor calls Chicago the most corrupt city in the U.S. Want proof? They consider the Cubs to be a professional baseball team.

A PBS documentary about Bill Clinton has him saying “I really screwed up with that girl” when talking about Monica Lewinsky. Minus the "up with" part.

A Minnesota man is being accused of stealing up to $25,000 of Tide detergent. This man is known as the only criminal on Earth with clean clothes.

A proposed bill in Arizona will prohibit teachers from swearing in class. Like when the teachers say "Fuck yeah" when they are having sex with their students.

A girl from England avoided liver disease by eating massive amounts of junk food. In other news, today, she was named an honorary American.

A study says that overeating may double the odds of memory loss. Wait, can you say that again?

That's all I have for right now! More coming later!

"A Fat Redneck"

Joke of the Day: Oprah Winfrey says she will try to make the Oprah Winfrey Network "all that I know it can be." Unfortunately for Oprah, the Food Network has already been created.

Bristol Palin, encouraging young girls to not get pregnant, said no one knows how difficult motherhood is until “you have a screaming baby in your arms and you’re up all night”. You know, like Sarah Palin after the last election.

Mississippi Gov. Haley Barber recently called himself a “fat redneck”. Isn't that like calling yourself a "selfish Republican"?

The Chicago Cubs have the highest priced tickets for regular seats in all of Major League Baseball. That's like Waffle House having the highest priced food in the world.

Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he was wrong 30% of the time when it came to the economy. The other 70% of the time, he was really wrong.

Costa Rican President Oscar Arias says it is time for the Catholic Church to end celibacy for priests. I think they should end the priests' rights to teach Sunday School.

A new test could warn smokers of cancer danger. They already have that. It's called the "Surgeon General's Warning".

A survey says that CEOs are more upbeat on the prospects for job growth. This is strange. I thought CEOs only cared about their own jobs.

GM reported a $4.3 Billion loss at the end of 2009. Mainly because they produced $4.3 Billion dollars worth of cars.

Police say a man robbed a north Portland Bank of America branch on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. Even worse, the Jaguar he stole wasn't a car.

I'm still on a roll! More soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write tomorrow because I have a freaking busy day. Sorry :(

"Arrested In Bakersfield"

A study in New York City tried to find out what smells people like and dislike. I'm pretty sure one of the smells they didn't like was New York City.

America's first legal male prostitute has left the brothel he worked at in Nevada after attracting fewer than ten paying customers. Strangely enough, three of those customers were Eric Massa, Larry Craig, and Roy Ashburn.

A study says that Yankees players are the highest paid athletes in the world. I totally agree. Their infielders made enough money to make Bill Gates cry.

The Washington Wizards say they will bring back Gilbert Arenas next year. Are they also bringing back the name "Washington Bullets"?

Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. The employees of Toyota don't think it's fair that the inspection department gets all this time off.

Toyota will stop production in their factories in France and the U.K. for nine days. "Toyota" and "stop" will likely never be used in the same sentence ever again.

A study says that boys’ bad behavior can be linked to poor parenting. This study was conducted in a place called "The DUHpartment".

A coalition of health professionals and others are calling for Ronald McDonald to retire, saying he has too much influence over kids. George Bush said he would have joined if he knew which company Ronald McDonald worked for.

Ben Curtis says Tiger Woods played well in a practice round but looked nervous. I'm confused? What was he practicing?

A New Jersey woman needed stitches after being hit by a battery during an episode of road rage. The other driver was convicted of assault WITH a battery.

In Nevada, Sarah Palin told thousands of Tea Party activists that they should not “sit down and shut up”. While everybody else is telling Sarah Palin to "sit down and shut up".

The animated film “How To Train Your Dragon” was No. 1 at the box office with receipts of over $43 million. Tiger Woods was surprised when he saw this movie. At first, he thought it was going to be a two-hour Viagra commercial.

A federal survey says we may have a summertime grasshopper infestation in Wyoming, Montana, South Dakota and Nebraska. This survey would be important, you know, if anybody actually lived in any of those states.

NFL linebacker Joey Porter was arrested in Bakersfield on suspicion of drunk driving and resisting arrest. When asked why he did this, Porter said, "I've always wanted to play for the Cincinnati Bengals".

Well, I know that was a while, but that's all I have for right now. Today, I get to meet Jay Leno! I'm so excited!