A Florida woman was arrested after attacking her male roommate with butter. Ironically, her name was "Margie".
Asked whether she is going to run for president, Sarah Palin said, “I do have the fire in my belly”. In other words, she's going to play the fat guy in the next Austin Powers movie.
A new reality show coming to TV will be about swingers. Don't we already have that? It's called "16 and Pregnant".
A fire broke out during Saturday night’s game at Dodgers Stadium. When hearing about this, the Cincinnati Reds asked, "What's it like to be on fire".
Psychology Today magazine published an article titled “Why Are Black Women Less Physically Attractive Than Other Women?” And on the next page, an article was written about Susan Boyle.
A tech mogul is paying students with technological potential to not go to college. We already have a word for people paid to not learn in college. "Student athletes".
Whoever won the Indy 500, I must say to them, "Wheldon, my boy!"
The FBI is looking for the "Mullet bandit", a man with a mullet who has held up several banks. That's extremely weird. I didn't know people with mullets knew what a bank was.
That's all I have for right now! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Susan Boyle. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Susan Boyle. Show all posts
Sunday, May 29, 2011
Friday, September 10, 2010
"Wrong Predictions"
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was in a car accident and was unhurt. His female fans were saddened. They thought that this was their opportunity to give him mouth-to-mouth.
Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Mainly because on a perfect day, you look really good.
Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. Mainly because weathermen don't make that much money.
The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. This is mostly due to the fact that the performer was diagnosed with bulimia.
Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. If you are Britney Spears, any sexual advance is unwanted.
A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. The sign was proven useless when the restaurant held a Justin Bieber concert.
According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. Even worse, these people don't have anybody to go to when they need help.
According to a new government report, most Americans still don't eat vegetables often enough. And just because french fries are potatoes, doesn't mean that they are vegetables.
According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. This must explain why I have been single all my life.
China may relax its one child rule because of an aging population and the need for workers. Apparently they need more workers right now.
A study says that Facebook users are insecure narcissists with low self esteem. Who knew Craig Ferguson was a Facebook user?
Vice President Biden says that George W. Bush deserves credit for ending the Iraq war. That's like giving couch potatoes credit for lowering the obesity rate.
Donald Trump’s offer to buy the land where the Muslim community center near Ground Zero has been declined. Mainly because the Muslim community doesn't want their mosque to be right under a hotel.
A poll says that most U.S. adults are confused about their health care coverage. What do you mean when you say health care coverage? I don't know what you're talking about.
President Obama says that Rahm Emmanuel would be a “terrific” Mayor of Chicago. Obama felt that since Rahm Emmanuel was in the Obama Administration, he could be mayor of Chicago because he's so used to failure.
An ice rink is planned for the 94th floor of Chicago’s John Hancock Center building. Wait, doesn't heat rise?
Video game sales dropped to the worst totals for August in four years. That's because gamers are addicted to the games that they already own.
A new book says that Paris Hilton has smuggled cocaine into Europe by putting it in a cigarette box and hiding it in her body. Usually when something goes up her butt, it's not cocaine.
Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. Brady is just glad that he can finally pay his child support fees.
According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. These hospitals are all named, "Penthouse Hospital".
FINALLY, A GREAT LINE FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER PAUL SEABURN
Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Mainly because on a perfect day, you look really good.
Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. Mainly because weathermen don't make that much money.
The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. This is mostly due to the fact that the performer was diagnosed with bulimia.
Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. If you are Britney Spears, any sexual advance is unwanted.
A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. The sign was proven useless when the restaurant held a Justin Bieber concert.
According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. Even worse, these people don't have anybody to go to when they need help.
According to a new government report, most Americans still don't eat vegetables often enough. And just because french fries are potatoes, doesn't mean that they are vegetables.
According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. This must explain why I have been single all my life.
China may relax its one child rule because of an aging population and the need for workers. Apparently they need more workers right now.
A study says that Facebook users are insecure narcissists with low self esteem. Who knew Craig Ferguson was a Facebook user?
Vice President Biden says that George W. Bush deserves credit for ending the Iraq war. That's like giving couch potatoes credit for lowering the obesity rate.
Donald Trump’s offer to buy the land where the Muslim community center near Ground Zero has been declined. Mainly because the Muslim community doesn't want their mosque to be right under a hotel.
A poll says that most U.S. adults are confused about their health care coverage. What do you mean when you say health care coverage? I don't know what you're talking about.
President Obama says that Rahm Emmanuel would be a “terrific” Mayor of Chicago. Obama felt that since Rahm Emmanuel was in the Obama Administration, he could be mayor of Chicago because he's so used to failure.
An ice rink is planned for the 94th floor of Chicago’s John Hancock Center building. Wait, doesn't heat rise?
Video game sales dropped to the worst totals for August in four years. That's because gamers are addicted to the games that they already own.
A new book says that Paris Hilton has smuggled cocaine into Europe by putting it in a cigarette box and hiding it in her body. Usually when something goes up her butt, it's not cocaine.
Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. Brady is just glad that he can finally pay his child support fees.
According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. These hospitals are all named, "Penthouse Hospital".
FINALLY, A GREAT LINE FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER PAUL SEABURN
Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Sunday, April 25, 2010
"Talking With Slurred Speech"
Joke of the Day: Rock singer and TV reality star Bret Michaels remained in critical condition, but was conscious and talking with slurred speech. You know, like his on-stage performances.
President Barack Obama made a pilgrimage Sunday to evangelist Billy Graham's mountainside home, and they prayed together. When Obama started praying, Graham said, "Look, I'm an evangelist, not a miracle worker".
A terrorist suspect said that al-Qaida recently ordered a suicide attack in New York City. Ooh! Ooh! Let me name this one: Operation September 11th 2.0.
Police have arrested a Hindu holy man with thousands of followers across India and abroad after video footage emerged last month allegedly showing him frolicking with two women. This is shocking. Holy men have sex with women?
A team of surgeons has carried out the world's first full-face transplant. Unfortunately, it wasn't on Susan Boyle.
A buggy antivirus update from security vendor McAfee caused corporate customers' Windows XP machines to endlessly crash and reboot. McAfee has been sued by millions of people for redundancy.
Security researchers revealed this week that they recently discovered a hacker who is selling the user names and passwords for 1.5 million Facebook accounts. The hacker then realized that people can register and create their own for free.
That's all for now. Lots more tomorrow!
President Barack Obama made a pilgrimage Sunday to evangelist Billy Graham's mountainside home, and they prayed together. When Obama started praying, Graham said, "Look, I'm an evangelist, not a miracle worker".
A terrorist suspect said that al-Qaida recently ordered a suicide attack in New York City. Ooh! Ooh! Let me name this one: Operation September 11th 2.0.
Police have arrested a Hindu holy man with thousands of followers across India and abroad after video footage emerged last month allegedly showing him frolicking with two women. This is shocking. Holy men have sex with women?
A team of surgeons has carried out the world's first full-face transplant. Unfortunately, it wasn't on Susan Boyle.
A buggy antivirus update from security vendor McAfee caused corporate customers' Windows XP machines to endlessly crash and reboot. McAfee has been sued by millions of people for redundancy.
Security researchers revealed this week that they recently discovered a hacker who is selling the user names and passwords for 1.5 million Facebook accounts. The hacker then realized that people can register and create their own for free.
That's all for now. Lots more tomorrow!
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