The LA Lakers honored Kobe Bryant's career with a 24.2-second moment of silence. Thankfully, their previous plans to honor his scoring ability with a 33,643-second moment of silence were scrapped at the last minute.
Jennifer Lopez delivered a Super Bowl halftime performance that included a stripper pole. Parents all across America had to explain to their kids what a stripper pole is immediately after they had to explain to their kids who Jennifer Lopez is.
Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was named Super Bowl MVP. He will now take the reins as the next great NFL QB that America will get sick of in 5 years.
The Kansas City Super Bowl celebration could be seen on weather radar. Not to be outdone, Tyreek Hill’s wife’s cries for help can be heard from outer space.
The Vatican responded to the coronavirus outbreak by giving China hundreds of thousands of masks. I trust these masks a lot, because if there’s one thing the Catholic church is good at, it’s covering things up.
A 68 year old Florida woman tased her 73 year old husband when he asked for a separation. The man then added insult to injury by saying that being tased was the first time in 30 years that he had felt anything in their marriage.
Barnes and Noble is being criticized for their "diverse" book campaign for Black History Month which portrays classic book characters as African American. Even worse, they changed one of the book titles to "Lil' Romeo and Juliet".
A town in Finland will give a free gym membership to anyone over 65. The gym is called “Curves: Spinal Cord Edition”.
The Oscars were this Sunday. It was the day this year that all around comedic geniuses logged onto their Twitter accounts and said, “Cats was snubbed for Best Picture!”
Charles Barkley called the Philadelphia 76ers “the Cleveland Browns of the NBA” This is because every time Joel Embiid tries to pass the ball to one of his teammates, the other team ends up getting six points.
An ex-Satanist says he went to hell and then converted to Christianity. In a related story, Christians have been offering Satanists tickets to Alex Schubert's comedy shows.
The NFL has reinstated Browns DE Myles Garrett. Fittingly, Roger Goodell hit the reinstatement button with Mason Rudolph’s helmet.
Donald Trump will attend the Daytona 500. It’s not that he’s a NASCAR fan, it’s that he figured he’d go to an event that pretty much doubles as a Trump rally.
The Houston Astros organization and players made a formal apology for the sign stealing scandal. As a part of their apology, they have also sent a large monetary donation to the Anti-Domestic Violence Against Trash Cans Association of America.
The “Full House” house in San Francisco is up for sale for almost $6 million. One potential buyer is looking to buy it for $5 million. Though the real estate agent won’t budge on the $6 million price tag, the buyer hopes that the agent will haaave mercyyyy.
That's all I have for right now. In doing this one monologue joke per day process, I've forgotten how laborious it is. I set myself to a high standard and want each and every joke to be a really, really funny one, and sometimes, it's taken up to an hour to think of a single punchline for a joke. But like I always say, it's a labor of love. And I'm glad I've refocused myself towards comedy and being the best comedian and person I can be. It ain't easy, but that's the name of the game, baby.
More jokes coming at the end of the month!
Showing posts with label Jennifer Lopez. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Jennifer Lopez. Show all posts
Saturday, February 15, 2020
Saturday, July 23, 2011
"Spousal Support"
Singer Amy Winehouse has died at age 27. I'm guessing overdose.
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".
Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.
34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.
Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".
A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.
Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.
The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An alleged Marilyn Monroe sex tape is being reported. If you thought that was weird, it was taped about a week ago.
Arnold Schwarzenegger is trying to avoid paying spousal support for Maria Shriver. Who knew the Governator was black? (I'm so sorry)
A judge told Lindsay Lohan to speed up with her community service. To which Lohan responded, "You had me at speed".
Jennifer Lopez reportedly almost left Marc Anthony in 2009 for an affair he had with a flight attendant. If you cheat on Jennifer Lopez, it's time to take a trip to the mental hospital.
34 New Jersey schools are being investigated for cheating on standardized tests. This explains how the cast of Jersey Shore graduated high school.
Blockbuster says it will keep 90% of its stores open. To which Borders says, "Yeah. Good luck with that one".
A report says that one out of four Americans say they have participated in binge drinking. The other three are of legal age to drink.
Justin Bieber says he is taking a month off so he can “grow up”. Dude, I think you're gonna need about ten years.
Lindsay Lohan’s lawyer says she is too poor to pay for a psychologist. The only thing poor about Lindsay Lohan is her acting.
The WHO says that going to the hospital is far riskier than flying. "You've gotta be kidding me," said September 11, 2001.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, July 21, 2011
"Paradise Lost"
“The Hangover” star Bradley Cooper will star in a film version of the poem “Paradise Lost”. He will play Marc Anthony in the JLo divorce.
The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.
Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".
Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.
Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.
Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.
A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...
A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.
Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The big heat wave is scheduled to move east. The Mets are ecstatic. This is their first experience with being hot in over 40 years.
Some hotels in London now have “snore monitors” who pound on your door to wake you up if you’re snoring too loudly. They are known everywhere as "spouses".
Tiger Woods fired his long-time caddie Steve Williams. God, his wife, and now his caddie. His relationships are coming apart faster than his mistresses' legs.
Al Qaeda is reportedly planning a cartoon recruiting film for children. Don't they already have a cartoon about an aggressive animal that always fails and dies? It calls Wile E. Coyote.
Ben Affleck reportedly advised Jennifer Lopez on her crumbling marriage. You know you suck when Ben Affleck is giving you advice.
A Kansas man set the record for the largest tonsils ever. And you thought Paris Hilton was known for a deep throat...
A study says that people who take antidepressant medications are more likely to suffer a relapse of major depression than those who don’t. Talk about defeating the purpose.
Naked German sunbathers who used to flock to Baltic beaches are dwindling, because of a shrinking population. And looking at the German sunbathers, the population isn't the only thing that's shrinking.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, July 18, 2011
"Dog Meat Soup"
Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony announced they are getting a divorce. They are both expected to be single for all of 15 minutes.
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.
Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.
U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.
Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.
Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.
North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?
Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".
Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Casey Anthony has been released from prison, and her attorney says elaborate plans have been made to keep her safe. If only they said the same thing about Caylee.
(this one's a thinker if you don't get politics)
The 50th Annual Congressional Baseball Game was held in Washington, DC last week. And here's a sign politics is screwed up: every single participant refused to play center field.
Police in Georgia shut down a lemonade stand run by two girls saying they didn't know how it was made or what was in it. Two girls that had no idea what they were doing; sounds kinda like a movie with the Olsen twins in it.
U.S. officials say that Osama Bin Laden planned an attack on a major U.S. sporting event. Maybe the lockouts weren't such a bad idea.
Hot weather in Korea has prompted people to cook dog meat soup as a remedy to cool people down. Talk about enhancing a stereotype.
Rihanna has passed Lady Gaga as the most popular woman on Facebook. Of course, we're ignoring the most popular woman among teenage girls: Justin Bieber.
North Korea is blaming material used to treat a lightning strike for failed drug tests at the World Cup. That's completely unheard of. I mean, Asians failing a test?
Rebecca Black has released a new music video called "My Moment". I was hoping it was gonna be called "My Fifteenth Minute".
Herman Cain is backing a ban on mosques. Muslim people everywhere hope that's his nickname for mosquitos.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, September 24, 2010
"Cut In Half"
Katy Perry 's appearance on "Sesame Street" was cut out because she wore an outfit revealing too much cleavage for the children's show. That's what she gets for Waking Up in Vegas.
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
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