"Abducted By Aliens"

Tuesday is International Goof-Off Day. I plan to celebrate by doing nothing.

The Nuclear Regulatory Commission says US nuclear reactors are safe. Unfortunately, they said that in Japan, too.

Rocker Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. Of course, it was a misunderstanding. He tried to say that he was the singer for Van Halen.

The star of ABC’s “The Bachelor”, Brad Womack, was rushed to a Texas hospital. Please tell me that they're going to put him to sleep.

A San Antonio man fired shots at a Taco Bell because the price of its Beefy Crunch Tacos rose from 99 cents to $1.49. And you thought the speeding bullet at Taco Bell was the food going through your digestive system.

A 400 pound Sumo wrestler finished the L.A. Marathon in 9 hours. I knew he was coming when I saw the trail of sweat on the ground.

CBS reportedly wants Charlie Sheen to come back to “Two and a Half Men”. CBS now stands for "Complete Bull Shit".

A survey by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation says the wealthiest people are concerned about being ungrateful, having bratty children and failing to meet expectations. So, like Charlie Sheen.

A study shows that more men are undergoing plastic surgery. When they are finished, the doctors say, "He/she looks fantastic".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Common Forgetfulness"

A poll says 37% of Americans believe the economy will get worse in the next year. How could the economy get worse when it's already hit rock bottom?

A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.

Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?

Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?

Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.

Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.

Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.

President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!