Tomorrow is President’s Day, where many stores have sales on mattresses. If they really wanted to honor our presidents, stores would have big sales on golf clubs.
Police in Colorado were called about “demonic sounds” coming from a McDonald's. According to eyewitnesses, the demonic sound was described as a cashier saying the phrase, “The ice cream machine is down.”
The Seattle Seahawks signed TE Greg Olsen to a one year contract worth $7 million. The contract includes $5.5 million and 3 torn ACLs guaranteed.
A study says that facial expressions do not reflect a person’s innermost feelings. Which totally explains why people are genuinely excited to see Alex Schubert smiling.
Some citizens of Santa Monica, California are outraged after a porno was filmed in a public library during business hours. Even worse, due to the library’s newfound affiliation with porn, the books are now organized by the Do-Me Decimal System.
A Whitney Houston hologram is set to go on tour. And like the real Whitney, it’s advised to not put the machine controlling the hologram into a bathtub.
Amanda Bynes says she wants to start a clothing line. Though her line of Drake women’s underwear had to be pulled as it murdered too many vaginas.
A study says New Mexico is the worst state for distracted driving. New Mexico citizens took the news really hard; so much so that one driver got at least three teardrops on his cell phone screen.
The Houston Astros allegedly alerted their players about signs by banging on trash cans with bats. The Baltimore Orioles tried to use the same tactic, but their bats kept whiffing the trash cans.
Michelle Carter, who was convicted of involuntary manslaughter after she sent text messages to her boyfriend to convince him to commit suicide, has been released from prison. In an unrelated story, I have a blind date tonight after my friends set me up with a girl named Michelle Carter.
The “Miracle On Ice” team recently appeared at a Donald Trump rally. It makes sense, as both Trump and the hockey team are both in their positions in history thanks to Russia.
The Bachelor is preparing a spinoff series for people aged 65 and older. The series is expected to use the tagline “I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.”
38% of Americans surveyed said they would not buy Corona beer under any circumstances due to coronavirus fears. But I guarantee a lot of those same people still buy Milwaukee’s Best despite the fact that it carries literally every other disease.
Garth Brooks upset many of his fans by performing in Detroit in a Barry Sanders jersey, which they thought was a tribute to Bernie Sanders. He angered his Detroit fan base even more the next night by performing in a Joey Harrington jersey.
That's all I have for the month of February! Comedy is looking up right now, as I'm beginning to take a big next step: getting road gigs and traveling for shows. March is a big month for your dude, and I'm very excited to see what it all has in store for me. Stay tuned in March for more jokes, and remember to subscribe to F*** You, We Like the Bengals!
Showing posts with label Porn. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Porn. Show all posts
Saturday, February 29, 2020
Thursday, May 31, 2012
"Five Wives"
A Japanese man cooked his own genitals and served them at a banquet. I can't believe he had the balls to do that.
Jenna Jameson was arrested for DUI. Let me get this straight. A drunk porn star in handcuffs? There is a god!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
"Too Sexy"
Ted Nugent said the Obama administration "wipes its ass with the Constitution". I hope Ted Nugent does the same with the barrel of one of his guns.
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that the U.S. is “within an inch” of war every day with North Korea. Or, approximately twice the size of the average Korean man's penis.
Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” is being released in only seven theaters. But to be fair, Miley Cyrus in a movie called "LOL" is like me in a movie called "The Ultimate Ladies Man With Great Jokes And A Sexy Body".
A study says that watching porn shuts down a part of the brain. It's the part that tells you to delete your Internet history.
A bill in Arizona still allows people to offend or annoy others on the Internet. It's a bill named after me.
A substitute teacher in New Jersey has been suspended after telling a seven-year-old girl that she was "too sexy" to take gym. But that's what happens when you get your substitute teachers from Craigslist.
A new study says that your personality could be reflected by what type of dog you own. Which explains why my dog isn't funny and weighs twice as much as it should.
An unauthorized biography contains Simon Cowell's personal secrets. One I found shocking: his t-shirts are actually painted on him.
The "Pregnant Man", Thomas Beatie, has reportedly split from his wife. And in another gender twist, he took half of her shit.
Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Mariners. When he does it against a pro team, I'll be impressed.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that the U.S. is “within an inch” of war every day with North Korea. Or, approximately twice the size of the average Korean man's penis.
Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” is being released in only seven theaters. But to be fair, Miley Cyrus in a movie called "LOL" is like me in a movie called "The Ultimate Ladies Man With Great Jokes And A Sexy Body".
A study says that watching porn shuts down a part of the brain. It's the part that tells you to delete your Internet history.
A bill in Arizona still allows people to offend or annoy others on the Internet. It's a bill named after me.
A substitute teacher in New Jersey has been suspended after telling a seven-year-old girl that she was "too sexy" to take gym. But that's what happens when you get your substitute teachers from Craigslist.
A new study says that your personality could be reflected by what type of dog you own. Which explains why my dog isn't funny and weighs twice as much as it should.
An unauthorized biography contains Simon Cowell's personal secrets. One I found shocking: his t-shirts are actually painted on him.
The "Pregnant Man", Thomas Beatie, has reportedly split from his wife. And in another gender twist, he took half of her shit.
Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Mariners. When he does it against a pro team, I'll be impressed.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
"Aggravated Child Abuse"
Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has died at the age of 82. He has asked to be buried next to JaMarcus Russell's career.
Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.
The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Thornton.
The first gay minister has been ordained at a Presbyterian church in California. Sorry about your luck, altar boys.
A Walmart in Baltimore had to be shut down due to two customers fighting with bleach. Oh, white people...
A fan at a golf event threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. How ironic. Tiger Woods is there and it's somebody else's wiener making headlines.
A Minnesota woman was accused of breaking into a house to buy porn. She knows there's this thing called the Internet, right?
A girl in North Carolina went six years without keeping any solid food down. She now has a promising career as a model.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.
The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Thornton.
The first gay minister has been ordained at a Presbyterian church in California. Sorry about your luck, altar boys.
A Walmart in Baltimore had to be shut down due to two customers fighting with bleach. Oh, white people...
A fan at a golf event threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. How ironic. Tiger Woods is there and it's somebody else's wiener making headlines.
A Minnesota woman was accused of breaking into a house to buy porn. She knows there's this thing called the Internet, right?
A girl in North Carolina went six years without keeping any solid food down. She now has a promising career as a model.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, July 4, 2011
"Grunt Control"
Today, July 4th, is Independence Day. Or, as George Bush calls it, "The day where we celebrate people who are neither Democrats or Republicans".
The BBC has come up with a grunt control device for people who want to turn down the volume of women tennis players’ grunting. I hope the Porn Channel doesn't find out about this.
A Nigerian man flew from New York to Los Angeles with an invalid boarding pass and fake ID. They knew the man was Nigerian because his name didn't fit on the ID.
A motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in New York died after he hit his head on the pavement. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
Ohio governor John Kasich signed a law that allows people to bring guns into places where alcohol is served. What could possibly go wrong?
Taylor Swift cancelled her concert in Louisville because she was sick. Apparently she heard herself sing.
The FOX News Twitter feed was hacked, and the hacker said that President Obama was assassinated. However, upon reading this, the people at the FOX News 4th of July party got a lot happier.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The BBC has come up with a grunt control device for people who want to turn down the volume of women tennis players’ grunting. I hope the Porn Channel doesn't find out about this.
A Nigerian man flew from New York to Los Angeles with an invalid boarding pass and fake ID. They knew the man was Nigerian because his name didn't fit on the ID.
A motorcyclist participating in a protest ride against helmet laws in New York died after he hit his head on the pavement. Karma's a bitch, isn't it?
Ohio governor John Kasich signed a law that allows people to bring guns into places where alcohol is served. What could possibly go wrong?
Taylor Swift cancelled her concert in Louisville because she was sick. Apparently she heard herself sing.
The FOX News Twitter feed was hacked, and the hacker said that President Obama was assassinated. However, upon reading this, the people at the FOX News 4th of July party got a lot happier.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
"Feeding Him Popcorn"
First Lady Michelle Obama says the president has not smoked a cigarette in nearly a year. Unfortunately, the President is probably going to get smoked in 2012.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?
Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.
The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?
A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.
A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.
A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.
An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.
Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.
A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".
A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.
Friday, February 4, 2011
"Available Online"
Today is former US Vice President Dan Quayle’s birthday. Today, the US is giving him one trillion dollars. However, there is one catch: he has to be able to spell "birthday".
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".
Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.
A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".
Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.
There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.
Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.
A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.
Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?
A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.
A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".
Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.
A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".
Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.
There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.
Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.
Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.
A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.
Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?
A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.
A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
"Rehab At Home"
February is National Time Management Month. Okay, I'll see if I can fit it into my schedule.
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 3, 2011
"A Muslim Version"
CNN’s Anderson Cooper admits he took two Valium before interviewing Kathy Griffin for a New Year’s Eve special. He also admitted that he took two Viagra before interviewing Sarah Palin.
The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.
Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.
Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.
The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.
Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.
Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.
China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.
A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.
The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".
A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.
A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?
A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?
That's all for right now! More later!
The sun shone brightly on the Rose Parade on New Year’s Day in Pasadena. Unless you are a fan of the Wisconsin Badgers.
Katie Couric says we need a Muslim version of “The Cosby Show”. And you think Joe Biden doesn't make any sense.
Iran says it has shot down two western unmanned drones. If you don't know what unmanned drones are, they are NBA stars playing against the Clippers.
The Navy is investigating whether an aircraft carrier’s executive officer broadcast lewd videos throughout the ship’s closed-circuit TV system. Since they were lewd videos, I'm not sure they were broadcast on a "closed" circuit system.
Actress Lindsay Lohan quoted Gandhi in her latest message on Twitter. She's obviously still drunk out of her mind.
Paula Abdul recently said that she's never been drunk in her life. Good luck finding someone who agrees with her.
China’s online population has increased to 450 Million people. In a related story, their child labor factories have shut down due to lack of work.
A Chinese government worker has been executed after taking $4.5 million in bribes. Or, as the US calls it, an amateur.
The surge in oil prices is paving the way for $4 a gallon gasoline. Or, as oil companies call them, "The good ol' days".
A new book claims it costs people $6,454 to be obese each year. It's sad that many Americans are willing to pay that much.
A study says that alcohol craving is linked to obesity. Isn't that link called a bar?
A New Jersey woman was arrested after setting her boyfriend on fire on New Year’s Eve. That's a hard title to get. I mean, the most orange person in New Jersey?
That's all for right now! More later!
Wednesday, December 1, 2010
"Writing A Memoir"
Dec. 1, 1891, James Naismith invented basketball. Basketball has existed for 121 years, and the Nets still don't know how to play.
A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice. In Los Angeles, they call that "Plastic surgery".
Snoop Dogg will perform at Prince William’s bachelor’s party. It's a good idea. The person in the world with nothing better to do will host Snoop Dogg at his wedding.
Tony Parker’s attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria. It's like he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals.
No major hurricanes hit the U.S, mainland for the fifth straight year, despite twelve hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Basin. So despite several signs that something major would happen, nothing really did. Kind of like Obama's presidency.
More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year. What use do credit cards have if they don't have any money?
Guns will soon be allowed on Amtrak trains. Or, as people who are full of themselves call them, arms.
An economist says that house prices will “bounce along the bottom” for most of next year. Kind of like the economy.
A report says that more teens are getting their high school diplomas. Of course, a high school diploma now is the equivalent of an elementary school education thirty years ago.
The UK is going to limit the export of a drug that is used in executions in the U.S. Instead of the drugs, the UK is going to send the US their food.
Tiger Woods’ story is going to be dramatized on NBC’s “Law & Order”. "Law & Order": the two things most lacking in the NFL.
A study says that good looks may actually hurt women in a job interview. Unless you work in porn.
Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir of her time as a judge on “American Idol”. This is another step in the "Anybody Can Write A Book" list.
Kid Rock says that scalpers are ruining his birthday party by buying tickets and reselling them for a higher price. Of course, how do we know that Kid Rock tickets have any value?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 29, 2010
"A Free Joint"
Sarah Palin said she would run for president in 2012, “if there’s nobody else to do it”. To be honest, Sarah, I would rather have nobody do it.
The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.
The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.
China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.
Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?
A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.
A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.
A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.
James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.
A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.
Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.
The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.
China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.
Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?
A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.
A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.
A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.
James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.
A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.
Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
"Empty Calories"
A poll says 32.3% of Americans are not affiliated with a major party. The other 67.7% work in politics.
Washington, D.C. is going to offer AIDS testing at the DMV. You know the DMV is boring when a way to kill time is to test for AIDS.
The Post Office is expecting to lose $6 Billion this year. Mainly because everybody is using email now.
A study says that one third of animals thought to be extinct eventually show up again. Please tell me that the 1/3 of animals does not include dinosaurs.
The FBI says that cyber thieves stole $70 Million from online bank accounts. Who knew that $70 Million existed here in the first place?
A study says that 40% of cancer survivors experience problems with their memory. In that case, how do they know they survived cancer?
A study says that grunting can help a tennis player win a match by throwing off their opponent. This study was conducted while scientists watched Maria Sharapova.
A study says that 40% of kids’ food intake is empty calories. The other 60% includes fats, carbs, and sugars.
A study says that thinner men have a higher suicide rate. Of all people to hate the way they look, it's the skinny guys.
Writer and producer Stephen J. Cannell has died at age 69 from complications from Melanoma. This would have been really ironic if he was a gay porn star.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Washington, D.C. is going to offer AIDS testing at the DMV. You know the DMV is boring when a way to kill time is to test for AIDS.
The Post Office is expecting to lose $6 Billion this year. Mainly because everybody is using email now.
A study says that one third of animals thought to be extinct eventually show up again. Please tell me that the 1/3 of animals does not include dinosaurs.
The FBI says that cyber thieves stole $70 Million from online bank accounts. Who knew that $70 Million existed here in the first place?
A study says that 40% of cancer survivors experience problems with their memory. In that case, how do they know they survived cancer?
A study says that grunting can help a tennis player win a match by throwing off their opponent. This study was conducted while scientists watched Maria Sharapova.
A study says that 40% of kids’ food intake is empty calories. The other 60% includes fats, carbs, and sugars.
A study says that thinner men have a higher suicide rate. Of all people to hate the way they look, it's the skinny guys.
Writer and producer Stephen J. Cannell has died at age 69 from complications from Melanoma. This would have been really ironic if he was a gay porn star.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Friday, October 1, 2010
"Food Porn"
The Senate passed a bill requiring TV stations to make the sound levels of commercials the same as the shows they interrupt. Okay, exactly what significance does this have?
The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?
The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.
Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.
Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.
A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?
The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.
Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.
Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.
A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, September 24, 2010
"Cut In Half"
Katy Perry 's appearance on "Sesame Street" was cut out because she wore an outfit revealing too much cleavage for the children's show. That's what she gets for Waking Up in Vegas.
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
"She Is Bored"
Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler will join Randy Jackson as “American Idol” judges next season. This once again proves that you don't need talent to judge other people's singing.
A pain management doctor testified that the 1,500 pills Anna Nicole Smith took in one month did not constitute an addiction. If that isn't an addiction, what is?
The author of a new book says the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in 1912 because of a steering error. Well duh, they hit an iceberg.
The owner of one of the Iowa egg farms linked to massive salmonella illnesses refused to testify before congress. In this case, the chicken came after the egg.
Jimmy Carter says he has had the best post-presidential career. Yes, because the most important thing in a President is what you do while you aren't in office.
Housing concerns have passed childcare as reasons for family stress, according to family assistance programs. Unless you are the Octomom.
Airlines say that if late term pregnant women want to fly, they can hide their condition. Good luck with that.
The Green Party candidate for Senate in Maryland was struck and killed by an SUV while riding her bike. That's like a germophobe coming down with a cold.
A friend says that Lindsay Lohan uses drugs because she is bored. Of course she's bored; she isn't working at all.
A report says that the Internet population will reach 5 Billion people by 2025. In other words, 5 Billion people by 2025 will have heard of porn.
That's all I have for right now! More coming later!
A pain management doctor testified that the 1,500 pills Anna Nicole Smith took in one month did not constitute an addiction. If that isn't an addiction, what is?
The author of a new book says the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in 1912 because of a steering error. Well duh, they hit an iceberg.
The owner of one of the Iowa egg farms linked to massive salmonella illnesses refused to testify before congress. In this case, the chicken came after the egg.
Jimmy Carter says he has had the best post-presidential career. Yes, because the most important thing in a President is what you do while you aren't in office.
Housing concerns have passed childcare as reasons for family stress, according to family assistance programs. Unless you are the Octomom.
Airlines say that if late term pregnant women want to fly, they can hide their condition. Good luck with that.
The Green Party candidate for Senate in Maryland was struck and killed by an SUV while riding her bike. That's like a germophobe coming down with a cold.
A friend says that Lindsay Lohan uses drugs because she is bored. Of course she's bored; she isn't working at all.
A report says that the Internet population will reach 5 Billion people by 2025. In other words, 5 Billion people by 2025 will have heard of porn.
That's all I have for right now! More coming later!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
"Broke His Leg"
HELLO!!! OMFG THIS IS MY 200TH POST!!!
Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.
Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?
President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.
NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.
Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.
British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.
Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.
A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.
Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...
A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.
The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?
A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.
Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?
President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.
NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.
Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.
British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.
Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.
A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.
Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...
A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.
The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?
A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Friday, June 4, 2010
"Eat Pray Love"
Joke of the Day: The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.
Congress took a 10-day break without funding summer youth programs, just as school is letting out for the summer. Or, as Congress calls it, "business as usual".
The federal government sent BP a bill for $69 million for costs they incurred in cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. Getting paid $69 million for something unsuccessful? BP could play for the New York Mets.
The new film “Eat Pray Love” has been given an MPAA rating of PG-13, a downgrade from the R it originally received. Eat Pray Love? That sounds like what Tiger Woods' memoir would be if he was fat.
Many people inside baseball are labeling umpire Jim Joyce’s botched final out call that cost a Detroit pitcher a perfect game “the worst call in the history of baseball”. Besides, of course, letting Jim Joyce umpire that game.
A Waffle House employee has survived without serious injury after three teens took off without paying and he clung to the hood of their car. Because if you can survive working at Waffle House, you can survive anything.
A new report shows one in five high school students have taken a prescription drug that they didn't get from a doctor. The other four can't afford to see a doctor.
Gary Coleman's parents are seeking custody of his remains. In fact, they have already picked out the water bottle that they will store them in.
The toxic metal cadmium was discovered in a McDonald’s drinking glass. One thing's for sure: it's less toxic than the McDonald's soft drinks themselves.
President Bush says that he would waterboard prisoners again. That's weird. Usually prisoners are ridden by other prisoners.
An online jobs index is at the highest level since 2008. That is, the highest level of people looking for a job.
A study says the most popular day to watch Internet porn is Sunday. Which is strange, because aren't people supposed to go to church and be holy on Sundays?
A study says that American teenagers are drinking less soda, but still not exercising. The study is called, "Being too lazy to go to the fridge".
A study shows that to get rid of fat, people should avoid eating before working out. Well, I like to call that, "Less calories to burn".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Congress took a 10-day break without funding summer youth programs, just as school is letting out for the summer. Or, as Congress calls it, "business as usual".
The federal government sent BP a bill for $69 million for costs they incurred in cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. Getting paid $69 million for something unsuccessful? BP could play for the New York Mets.
The new film “Eat Pray Love” has been given an MPAA rating of PG-13, a downgrade from the R it originally received. Eat Pray Love? That sounds like what Tiger Woods' memoir would be if he was fat.
Many people inside baseball are labeling umpire Jim Joyce’s botched final out call that cost a Detroit pitcher a perfect game “the worst call in the history of baseball”. Besides, of course, letting Jim Joyce umpire that game.
A Waffle House employee has survived without serious injury after three teens took off without paying and he clung to the hood of their car. Because if you can survive working at Waffle House, you can survive anything.
A new report shows one in five high school students have taken a prescription drug that they didn't get from a doctor. The other four can't afford to see a doctor.
Gary Coleman's parents are seeking custody of his remains. In fact, they have already picked out the water bottle that they will store them in.
The toxic metal cadmium was discovered in a McDonald’s drinking glass. One thing's for sure: it's less toxic than the McDonald's soft drinks themselves.
President Bush says that he would waterboard prisoners again. That's weird. Usually prisoners are ridden by other prisoners.
An online jobs index is at the highest level since 2008. That is, the highest level of people looking for a job.
A study says the most popular day to watch Internet porn is Sunday. Which is strange, because aren't people supposed to go to church and be holy on Sundays?
A study says that American teenagers are drinking less soda, but still not exercising. The study is called, "Being too lazy to go to the fridge".
A study shows that to get rid of fat, people should avoid eating before working out. Well, I like to call that, "Less calories to burn".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, April 23, 2010
"Cognitive Capabilities"
Joke of the Day: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.
Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.
In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.
A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?
Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.
All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.
Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.
A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.
An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".
Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".
A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.
Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.
Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".
FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.
Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.
In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.
A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?
Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.
All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.
Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.
A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.
An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".
Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".
A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.
Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.
Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".
FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.
Friday, March 19, 2010
"Planning to Reinvent Itself"
Conan O’Brien is reportedly talking with the Fox network about a new talk show. Thankfully, there will not be a time slot issue with Fox. Wanda Sykes works weekends.
A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".
Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".
A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.
A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.
The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.
An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.
AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.
A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".
Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.
The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?
A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.
In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.
A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.
A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.
Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.
Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.
Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.
A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".
Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".
A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.
A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.
The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.
An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.
AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.
A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".
Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.
The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?
A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.
In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.
A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.
A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.
Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.
Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.
Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.
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