"Alligator Fat"

A 61 year old New York lifeguard says he was fired for not wearing a speedo to take his swim test. In all honesty, he should get fired if he was wearing a speedo.

A non-human DJ got a job on the air at a San Antonio radio station. In a related story, Pauly D is leaving Jersey Shore.

Researchers have found that alligator fat can work as a biofuel to power cars. Let's hope that Kirstie Alley gets one as a pet.

A Canadian tour operator is offering a travel program to Afghanistan. Why Afghanistan? Do they not want to pay for the trip back?

Burger King is getting rid of the "King" mascot. Now, a moment of silence for the only sober person to ever run on the field at a football game.

A study says that competitive Scrabble players tend to be smarter. Except when it comes to women.

A new dating website caters to people who want to date but can’t have sex. It's called "ComicCon.com".

Scientists say they can extend the life of obese mice with a specially designed drug. Isn't that called a "diet pill"?

A study says that being in love can enhance a person's athletic performance. Which explains why Tiger Woods won the Masters on a completely screwed up knee.

A Scottish teen has a rare condition where she could die from brushing her hair. There is one way she can get over the disease: it's called "a hat".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Residency Status"

A Burger King customer in Detroit was killed after being punched by a counter worker. This is an odd twist. Usually, the food gives you a heart attack and then you die.

A cable released by WikiLeaks says that Cuba will be insolvent within two to three years. Who does Cuba think they are? The United States?

Rahm Emanuel is facing a residency status hearing for his run for Mayor of Chicago. God, is anybody in the Obama Administration from here?

A study says that men who cycle five hours a week or more may have less healthy sperm. I have a gut feeling this is due to the bicycle seat.

Bernie Madoff's son has committed suicide. He killed himself when he realized his dad was Bernie Madoff.

That's all for today! Definitely more soon!

"Agreed To Sell Itself"

Burger King agreed to sell itself for $3.26 billion. Or, as Burger King calls it, "One billion whoppers".

A new study in LA County says that 98% of restaurants pass health inspections. The other 2% are named, "The Sizzler".

A survey says that 72% of adults are texting now. The other 28% of adults do not own a cell phone.

A study says that 25% of the people working now were unemployed at some point during the recession. The other 75% of people are what scientists call "a kiss-ass".

A new study finds that some users of the weight-loss pill Meridia may have an increased risk of heart attack or stroke. Isn't that what it's supposed to prevent?

People who take bone-strengthening drugs for several years may have a slightly higher risk of esophageal cancer, a new study suggests. Patients on those drugs find this concept difficult to swallow.

Ben Roethlisberger's suspension has been reduced from six to four games. And all this time he liked hearing, "You've been very bad".

Canadian parents are more lenient with their children than mothers and fathers in France and Italy, according to a new study. Especially when it comes to dating advice.

A Japanese man drove the wrong way down an expressway for 55 miles. In related news, Asia has given him "Driver of the Year Award".

That's all I have for today! More coming later!