"Assault and Flattery"

Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. Considering the flirtatious nature of butt slaps, the judge charged OBJ with assault and flattery.

NBA star Derrick Rose was fined $25k for throwing a pen in the stands during a game. Coincidentally enough, a flying pen was the cause of Derrick Rose's last shattered kneecap.

Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. This is a strange change of pace, as the Browns are usually the ones getting spanked.

A college professor at Drexel was caught spending $185,000 on strippers, sports bars, and iTunes. It's incredibly disappointing, as that amount of money could've gone towards purchasing two college textbooks.

Kellyanne Conway says that Martin Luther King Jr. would have disapproved of Donald Trump's impeachment. Coincidentally enough, most Americans disapprove of Kellyanne Conway getting any opportunity to talk.

Rapper B.o.B has come forward as a flat earther. This is not a surprising view for him, considering how hard he fell off of the map.

A Cleveland police officer who urinated on a girl as she waited for the bus is being sentenced to four and a half years in prison. The worst part is, because of this sentence, he won’t be able to receive his “Cleveland Police Officer Of The Year” award in person.

Kim Kardashian says she first heard the suggestion for the name North West as a joke on the Tonight Show. Getting name suggestions from jokes from the Tonight Show was cute for North, but not so much for her other son, ImTellingYouTheEconomyIsReallyBad.

Seattle is the first city in the U.S. to allow voting by smartphone. The hard part of this voting tactic will be collecting their "I voted" sticker while driving.

Brett Favre says he sees some of his own traits in Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes. In a related story, all the Chiefs’ sideline reporters have blocked Patrick Mahomes’ phone number.

A man who impersonated a doctor in order to persuade women and girls to electrocute themselves for his own sexual gratification has been jailed for 11 years. The man allegedly showed no remorse in court, as he began to masturbate while the judge was announcing the (ahem...) charges.

Billie Eilish says she made her Grammy winning album in her bedroom at her parents house. Which makes sense, considering she sings like her parents are asleep in the next room over.

A girl on the Bachelor went to a private concert for a date of Chase Rice, who was an ex boyfriend of hers. I actually find it nice that they had her past ex-boyfriend play music for her future ex-boyfriend.

Prince Andrew reportedly is offering zero cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein probe. This marks the first time that someone not cooperating with a Jeffrey Epstein probe was an adult.

A study says lowering the speed limit is ineffective in reducing wildlife vehicle collisions. They plan to take it a step further: teaching the wildlife not to text and drive.

The Panthers have released TE Greg Olsen. And per tradition, he was released onto a bench after having his arm around two trainers.

Well, that's all I have for January! I've maintained my goal to write one monologue joke per day. Are they all funny? That's for you to decide. More coming mid-February!

"Partial Arts"

Crews in Philadelphia are covering light poles in grease to prevent Eagles fans from climbing them. It sharply decreased the amount of fans who wanted to climb the light poles and sharply increased the amount of fans who wanted to eat the light poles.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newest child "Chicago". They should give up hope for this child giving them grandchildren, considering it's gonna take her 108 years to even get a ring.

New Miami Marlins owner Derek Jeter wants to get rid of the giant statue in Marlins Park. He plans to do so by trading it to the Yankees for two cheaper and younger statues.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un warned the US that "the button for nuclear weapons is on my table". This is the first time ever that something on Kim Jong Un's table wasn't covered in cheese.

Because of the Browns losing season, head coach Hue Jackson will jump into Lake Erie. Instead, I think Browns players should throw him in; because it would be a nice change of pace to see a Cleveland Browns throw hit its intended target.

Steve Harvey is hosted the New Year's Eve celebration on FOX. To prepare, FOX took extra precautions to make sure Steve didn't wish people a happy 2021.

A 10-year old judo champion is making headlines because he has one arm. It looks like that kid has mastered partial arts.

The Texas Attorney General said that guns are allowed in some churches. It's a risky move for Texans to bring guns to church, especially since most of them worship their guns as if they're false idols.

Scientists say bananas as we know them could wipe out within the next 5-10 years. So to make sure they don't wipe out, we need to take extra precaution to make sure they don't walk over any bananas.

The Miami Marlins have traded some of their top players, including Giancarlo Stanton and Dee Gordon. As a result, their average attendance for home games is expected to drop all the way from 12 people to 7 people.

Blake Shelton named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. It was a stunning upset over Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore.

The Minnesota Lynx defeated the LA Sparks in the WNBA Finals. Upon receiving the box of "Sparks WNBA Champs" shirts, kids in Africa said "Nah, we're cool".

Hugh Hefner has died at the age of 91. His casket will be stored in an attic until a 10-year old boy finds it and shows all his friends at school.

One week in September was Bisexual Awareness Week. If there was a street parade to celebrate, it would be the only parade where the floats go both ways.

That's all I have for now! And after a rough 2017, 2018 has gotten off to a flying start for me. I have two jobs that I'm very happy at (I work for the UC IMPACT program and my trivia/DJ stuff is going swimmingly). In addition, I just hosted a killer weekend of standup for Phil Hanley at Go Bananas. That week was incredible on all ends, as I performed for some of the biggest crowds I've ever performed for, including my biggest ever crowd of 250 for the Saturday late show. Let's see if we can't make 2018 my bounce back year. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Stuck In A Stone Vagina"

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was indicted for child abuse. He's expected to receive a lengthy suspension because his wife wasn't the one abused.

A new robot can make 360 hamburgers in one hour. This revolutionary machine has been given the code name "Chris Christie's Personal Chef".

A Penn State student is now famous for feeding and dressing up a squirrel. Finally, someone at PSU manipulating a tiny being in a good way.

Jennifer Lawrence had nude photos released by a hacker. I'm outraged that someone would invade her privacy and leak her nude photos without telling me where I can find them.

A woman in Seattle was arrested after having sex with lawn chairs. Soon after that she sat on her cousin in the front yard and drank a beer.

Kim Kardashian will publish a 352-page selfie book. It's kinda ironic that the one person more self obsessed than Kanye West is his own wife.

A new study says eating fish makes the brain healthier. This totally explains all those Harvard grads you see eating at Long John Silver's.

A 100,000 year old skeleton may reveal the oldest case of brain damage. However, it isn't as old and brain damaged as any Fox News viewer.

A food truck with marijuana infused sandwiches is going around in Washington state. I assume they're Phish sandwiches.

A guy in Germany got stuck in a stone vagina. Amazingly, that stone vagina wasn't even half as dry as the vaginas of girls who talk to me.

Robert Morris U will now offer athletic scholarships for online gaming. This explains their new fight song "Mom, The Wifi Is Down Again".

A Buffalo man is selling his world record collection of 11,000 video games. The man hopes to use the money to buy himself a girlfriend.

Longtime MLB player and coach Don Zimmer died at age 83. Pedro Martinez shoved his casket into its burial plot.

That's all I have for right now! To both of you that read this, sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I'm trying, but I'm back in school now and I've been super busy. I'm still on the comedy grind, and I feel that I've made significant progress over the past few months. After a great contest set that I juuuust missed advancing to the semifinals in (I lost by 5 votes...), a great Brewhaha (I MC'D OMGGGGG), and a couple more good opening sets at the Go Bananas, who knows what could happen? Could I have gotten that all-elusive thing I've been working for for almost two and a half years soon? Only time will tell. Anyway, I hope nobody from the Go Bananas sees any of this (me talking about looking to get a you know what), because if so, I'm fuuuucked. Anyway, more coming soon!

"The Building Full Of Expensive Meat"

The voice of Tony the Tiger has died at 64. He had esophageal cancer, which was apparently severe enough to send him to his grrrrrrave.

Rob Schneider says America is heading towards fascism. Even worse, America is also heading towards another Rob Schneider movie.

Clippers owner Donald Sterling was banned from the NBA for life. He was punished by having to spend the rest of his life at home with his 2 billion dollars.

An analyst says the world could have its first trillionaire soon. That trillionaire is me; I'm close to 1 trillion rejections by cute girls.

Donald Trump wants to buy the Buffalo Bills. Yep, the New York fixture known for disappointing its fans wants to buy the Buffalo Bills.

Kim Kardashian got ten Burger King restaurants as a gift from Kanye West. Yep, the building full of expensive meat got ten Burger Kings as a gift from Kanye West.

That's all I have for right now! Sorry about my lack of topical jokes right now. I know I've had two months to write these, but. I've just been on a bit writing spree. Whether those bits work out is totally my call; I really need to work on them. I'm doing my best to write topical jokes. Anyway, I'm coming up on five years in comedy (a little over two of them have been behind the mic), and I plan to write a review as to my experiences and what I've learned. Anyway, more coming later!

"A Distinct Odor"

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing. When I heard the news, I jumped up and down on a couch in excitement.

Adele is pregnant. She will be the only mom whose lullabies will make a crying baby cry even more.

A new study says that old people release a distinct odor. The study was conducted by me in a nursing home and get me out of here this place is awful.

Rielle Hunter and John Edwards have broken up. "That's too bad," said people without a soul.

Kim Kardashian says her fans are "stupid imbeciles". I didn't know she could say "stupid imbeciles" with an NBA player's dick in her mouth.

A boy died while masturbating 42 times without stopping. His autopsy says "He beat himself to death, so to speak."

I recently read about a groom who got drunk and cheated on his wife at their wedding. Even worse, he cheated with the flower girl.

Duke basketball head coach Mike Kryzewski says Penn State made a mistake firing Joe Paterno. Well good luck hiring him back.

Jerry Sandusky reportedly called himself the tickle monster. Which is strange, because I didn't know the tickle monster aimed there.

Casey Anthony said that she loved her daughter more than anybody. Of course she did. That's why Casey cried when she killed her.

A study says that a good sex life will help you live longer. If that's the case, I died five years ago.

Miley Cyrus is engaged. She would put the ring on her finger if she can get it out of Billy Ray's asshole.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Colorado Rockies Tickets"

Frances Bean Cobain, daughter of the late Kurt Cobain, says that her mother, Courtney Love, should be banned from Twitter. Screw that. Courtney Love should be banned from Walgreens.

Kate Winslet says that Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten fatter since Titanic. Well if I had to look at her disgusting face, I'd need some comfort food, too.

President Obama wants a "rigorous" Secret Service probe after the sex scandal in Columbia. Seriously? There's been enough probing going on there...

A 14-year old kid, who is set to graduate from UCLA very soon, insists he's not a genius. Yeah, and I'm not THAT bad at picking up women.

Ashley Judd is upset about the media's comments regarding her puffy appearance. She called the comments "nasty", "mysogynistic", and "100% right".

Kenyans won both the men and women’s divisions of the Boston Marathon. Are either of the winners ridiculously photogenic? No? Then fuck 'em.

University of Kentucky center Eloy Vargas took a high school senior to her prom after she asked him. If I ever meet Kate Upton, I'm gonna try this.

A middle school cross country runner was on a jog, where she found $1,500 in Colorado Rockies tickets. When asked where the tickets came from, he said, "Oh, they just came out of thin air."

Despite rumors, Khloe Kardashian is not pregnant. Well of course. Men can't get pregnant.

Kim Kardashian says she wants to run for mayor of Glendale, California. It's the first time she's wanted a job in her entire life.

That's all I have for today! Remember, on Friday is Cover the Night, where we go after Joseph Kony, aka the second most hated man on Earth...

"Dumped Flour"

Dick Cheney is undergoing a heart transplant. And by that, I mean he's getting one inserted.

Pope Benedict XVI has commissioned his own cologne. The cologne is just a bottle of tears from the altar boys that have been molested.

A Dutch woman who suffered a stroke says the faces of her family now appear to be ugly. In fact, you know that very family she is referring to? I was recently made an honorary member.

Ford is touting the ability of its turbocharged Escape to tow 3,500 pounds of weight. Doesn't Adele's car already do that?

Jason Russell, who made the film "Kony 2012", was recently caught masturbating in public. Ironically, he was caught by Ugandan police.

Ashley Judd is starring in a new ABC drama series called “Missing”. It's about her career.

Workers in Chinese iPad factories were forced to sign pledges to promise not to commit suicide. How will they get punished if they break the pledge?

There is new surveillance technology that makes it possible for a computer to compare 36 million faces in one second. So far, the only thing it has determined is that mine is the ugliest.

There was someone who dumped flour on Kim Kardashian. Kim was stunned. She had gone her entire life without anything white on her body.

James Cameron reportedly reached the deepest spot on Earth. That spot: Adele's belly button.

Friends of Demi Moore says she's sick to her stomach about Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna dating. Sick to her stomach? Don't worry, Demi. That's probably the bulimia.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Driving With A Cold"

Mitt Romney compared President Obama's promises to Kim Kardashian's wedding vows. I agree. They involved a black guy that nobody likes anymore.

Vint Cerf, who is considered by many to be the Father of the Internet says web access isn’t a human right. If he said this five years ago, we would have never heard of Justin Bieber.

Clay Aiken says after working with both, he respects Donald Trump more than Simon Cowell. Seriously? I respect Donald Duck more than I respect Simon Cowell.

A study says that men and women have large differences in their personalities, with men being more dominant and women being more sensitive. This study was conducted by scientists reading previous studies.

Jenny McCarthy says that “Dancing With The Stars” needs some A-List celebrities. And if anybody knows what an A-list celebrity is, it's Jenny McCarthy.

Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren demolished a $12 Million mansion in Florida in order to rebuild on the property. Then someone told her that the mansion was not Tiger's car.

A study says that driving with a cold or the flu is as dangerous as being drunk. Especially when you have to look through the snot on your phone to send a text message.

A “matured” Snooki says she has cut back on her drinking. Like I need to just "cut back" on my eating.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Banana Republic"

An Australian mint has made a one ton gold coin worth $50 Million. I haven't seen something that heavy and valuable since Kirstie Alley.

A study says that people who are lonely don’t sleep well and tend to toss and turn. Apparently I was the only person that scientists studied.

A woman says that Justin Bieber is the father of her baby. That's preposterous. Last time I checked, fathers are males.

A study says that exercise can overpower the “obesity gene”. This amazing phenomenon is known as a "diet".

Kim Kardashian says that Kris Humphries’ parents hated her. That makes it unanimous.

Michele Bachmann says that America is becoming a "banana republic". Okay, so we may be screwed up as a country, but at least we're in style.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Descended From King Tut"

A study says that dieting forces the brain to eat itself. No wonder the Situation has a six pack.

Ashton Kutcher will reportedly play a broken hearted billionaire on “Two and a Half Men”. So what? Donald Trump has played that character in real life. Three times.

A study says that laughing out loud triggers a decline in lung function for people with lung disease. This explains why I was booked as the comic for the annual Smokers convention.

A woman accused of breaking into Alex Trebek’s hotel room could get a life sentence. The crime: making Trebek reveal that he sleeps naked.

Kim Kardashian’s wedding will be featured as a four hour special on E! That's one hour for every person that gives a crap.

The Bank of New York is now charging its wealthy clients to hold large sums of money for them. This is expected to affect as many as three people in New York.

A survey says that one third of adults would give up sex for a week rather than their cell phone. Of course, if I gave up my cell phone, I'd have neither.

A mayor in New Mexico says he was drunk when he signed several contracts with an architectural firm from California. Hopefully he signed to build an AA building.

A study says that healthier eating means a higher grocery bill. Apparently eating healthy doesn't mean eating less.

A genomics company says that half of Europe is descended from King Tut. The other half are children that are descendants of Arnold Schwarzenegger.

A survey says that Americans are aware of the benefits of functional foods but don’t eat them enough. Mostly because THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT!!

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Sexual Sin"

Bristol Palin calls the night she drunkenly lost her virginity “the deep quicksand of sexual sin”. And since she was talking about quicksand, I think the sex involved a lot of sucking.

Crime boss James “Whitey” Bulger was arrested in Santa Monica. Whitey Bulger is what I call Kirstie Alley's stomach.

A new large species of crab has been found in Costa Rica; it’s almost 16 inches across. I haven't heard of crabs and 16 inches in the same sentence since Snooki's last boyfriend.

A study says an aspirin a day may fight skin cancer. Take that, apples!

Scientists were able to determine a dinosaur's blood temperature through an analysis of a tooth. I think I speak for all Americans when I say, "And...".

France has endorsed President Obama's plan to withdraw from Afghanistan. And who knows more about the military than the French?

An Arizona TV pitchman failed to show at an arraignment for fraud. Coincidentally, the trial was set for 3:00 in the morning.

Kim Kardashian got her butt X-rayed to prove it was real. It's a big anniversary for Kardashian too. It was the 1 millionth that has featured her ass.

The cast of Jersey Shore is going to be replaced. In fact, I saw some scouts at the annual Douchebag Convention.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Chosen By Their Fans"

Sarah Palin is visiting sites of historical significance. In other words, she won't be going to her house for awhile.

The used car salesman who sold cars to Ohio St. quarterback Terrelle Pryor swears the athlete did not get special deals. Just think; why would a used car salesman ever lie to you?

A Zimbabwe policeman was arrested for using the personal toilet of President Robert Mugabe. Apparently the shit missed the toilet, and hit the fan.

Researchers say allergy medicine could be making people fat. These researchers obviously know that I have a prescription for Zyrtec.

The Kardashian sisters are working on a novel, with the name getting to be chosen by their fans. The leading candidate: Crayons Sold Separately.

A new drug that treats premature ejaculation is showing promise in testing. Unfortunately, they weren't supposed to tell us that for another two weeks.

A study says that kids with bad asthma are more likely to have food allergies than kids who don't. For example, most kids with asthma have a severe allergy to vegetables.

Snooki from “Jersey Shore” lost her license when she hit a police car in Italy. That's a change. Snooki ramming someone else?

New Jersey Governor Chris Christie recently rode in a helicopter to his son's baseball game. Man, that must be one exhausted helicopter.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Common Forgetfulness"

A poll says 37% of Americans believe the economy will get worse in the next year. How could the economy get worse when it's already hit rock bottom?

A California man sentenced to jail smuggled in a cell phone, MP3 player, marijuana, tobacco and $140 in his rectum. And that was only the second weirdest thing to be in his butt all day.

Bret Michaels says he taught Charlie Sheen how to trash a hotel room. Is it really that hard to figure out?

Scottish scientists are set to launch a study on what causes common forgetfulness. I think that it's... wait, what was I just talking about?

Tonight’s full Moon will be the biggest in appearance in the past 18 years as the moon will be unusually close to the Earth. Scientists say it is the biggest moon they've ever seen since the last episode of Keeping Up With The Kardashians.

406 pound Sumo wrestler Kelly Gneiting says he hopes to become the heaviest man to ever finish a Marathon race. At that weight, he'd be lucky to run 26.2 feet.

Wal-Mart stores in California have reached a goal of sending only 20% of their waste to landfills. You know what I call trash at Wal-Mart? The greeter.

Japanese officials said that they have found radiation in their spinach. Hey, at least nobody in America is going to be affected by this.

President Obama said that if Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi does not stop killing his own people, there will be consequences. For instance, U.S. officials are going to send Qaddafi to Japan without any clothes.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"More Famous Than Obama"

Charlie Sheen wants to make a feature film. Too bad "Despicable Me" is already taken.

Supporting Charlie Sheen, Twilight’s Robert Pattinson said, “I like crazy people who don’t give a f*ck.” It looks like Moammar Qaddafi has a supporter.

Kim Kardashian released her first song. The strange part: Sir Mix A Lot wanted to be in it.

Charlie Sheen says he is “more famous than Obama”. I never thought I'd find the one person more hated by FOX News than President Obama.

A new translation of the Catholic Bible substitutes the phrase “young woman” for “virgin”. Then, the Catholics saw "16 and Pregnant" and said, "Uh, never mind".

A study says that men taking aspirin and other pain relievers are more prone to having sexual problems. Well that ought to take care of that headache.

Researchers say that a third of obese and half of overweight patients are never told they have a weight problem by their doctor. Is it that hard to determine by yourself?

The Brain Store, a retail outlet in Chicago, sells items to help people keep their brains sharp to ward off dementia. A place where people help you keep your brain sharp; isn't that called "school"?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Mubarak's Ouster"

On Libya’s “Day of Protest” Thursday, clashes broke out in several cities. Oh, sorry about the typo, I meant Egypt.

A male high school wrestler in Iowa defaulted in the state tournament rather than wrestle a girl; he feels the sport is too violent to wrestle girls. I guess that rules him out of being a Pittsburgh quarterback.

A British graphic designer created and is selling the royal wedding barf bag. Where was this during the Super Bowl halftime show?

The US gave Egypt $150 million in economic aid following Mubarak’s ouster. That's like Lindsay Lohan recommending a rehab facility for you.

The President of Uganda is going to release a rap album. (I'm gonna hate myself for this) Uganda regret this, dude.

The Kardashians made a reported $65 Million last year, making them Hollywood’s highest earners. And why do they feel the need to date wealthy sports stars?

66 year old rocker Rod Stewart has become a father for the eighth time. A Viagra to Rod Stewart is like a cup of coffee to a teenager. They are the keys to help them get up.

More than 100 people were arrested in Medicare fraud scheme. I think the thing that makes Medicare a fraud is the old fat guy that thinks "diabetes" is pronounced "diabeetus".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Feeding Him Popcorn"

First Lady Michelle Obama says the president has not smoked a cigarette in nearly a year. Unfortunately, the President is probably going to get smoked in 2012.

There are rumors that Bristol Palin will have a memoir published by this summer. For the love of God, will anybody smart write a book?

Yankees star Alex Rodriguez is livid that a Fox cameraman caught girlfriend Cameron Diaz feeding him popcorn during the Super Bowl. He's actually mad because Alex had to pay for the popcorn himself.

The New York Mets farm team, the Brooklyn Cyclones, invited Christina Aguilera to sing the National Anthem before one of their games. What could possibly go wrong?

A Picasso painting of his teenage lover sold at auction for $40 Million. What confuses me is that he would be attracted to someone whose eyes are on their stomach.

A study says that kids who are almost popular are most likely to torment their peers. In a related story, I have been named "Least Likely to Become a Bully" at my high school.

A U.K. man with a low IQ has been banned from having sex with other people. A stupid man has been banned from sex. In the U.S., his name is Charlie Sheen.

An English woman died after having butt implant surgery at a hotel in Philadelphia. If she stayed alive, she would have qualified as a Kardashian.

Taco Bell is offering free tacos through Facebook as a response to a lawsuit claiming their taco filling is not really meat. The joke's on them because half of the people that signed up were vegans.

A study says that 36% of Americans would rather give up sex for a month than give up the remote. These people are called "men".

A survey says that children are often happier with their online lives than they are with reality. This is mainly because children have a hard time finding porn in reality.

"Available Online"

Today is former US Vice President Dan Quayle’s birthday. Today, the US is giving him one trillion dollars. However, there is one catch: he has to be able to spell "birthday".

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says if he resigns there will be chaos. Mr. Mubarak, I believe you mean "celebration".

Designer Kenneth Cole apologized for a Twitter message saying Egyptians are in an uproar because his latest outfits are available online. Yes, after all the chaos in Egypt, the one thing on everybody's mind is fashion.

A Skechers TV ad during the Super Bowl will feature Kim Kardashian, while a GoDaddy ad will feature Jillian Michaels. I think I speak for all men in America when I say, "Why can't it be the other way around?".

Former Chicago Bears quarterback Jim McMahon says he’s experiencing some memory loss. Right now, every Chicago Bears fan wishes they could say the same.

There's a new iPhone app that shows you what you would look like as a sumo wrestler. Kirstie Alley already has something like that. It's called a mirror.

Justin Bieber was booed by fans at a New York Knicks game. You know you suck when the Knicks are playing a home game and you're the one that gets booed.

Egyptian President Hosni Mubarak says he would quit his position now except he is afraid chaos would erupt. Two words, dude: Too late.

A prisoner at Guantanamo has died after exercising. To all the fat asses out there: don't make this your excuse.

Charlie Sheen says he wants to resume work this month. The question is, what does Charlie Sheen consider "work"?

A survey of an online dating site says that women would prefer watching the Super Bowl to having sex. I think this is because men wouldn't want to talk to their wives during the Super Bowl.

A porn star says that Charlie Sheen has lost all his teeth from drug use. From a porn star's perspective, isn't that supposed to be a good thing?

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Intelligence Leaks"

The musical comedy show "Glee" has bested The Beatles record for the most hit singles. Of course, those singles were sung by other artists.

Kim Kardashian and her sister Kourtney are in New York to promote their next show, Kourtney and Kim take New York. A show with all three sisters would never work. If Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe are all in a show together, the show would be called KKK.

The Social Security Administration says that 89,000 stimulus checks for $250 each were sent to people who were either dead or in jail. They spent money that turned out useless? It must have been by force of habit.

A poll says that 25% of college students would be relieved to not be so connected to the Internet and their cell phones. These people are commonly referred to as "liars".

According to a new study, poor health care is shortening American lives. Well gee, I could have thought of that.

Sandra Bullock is in negotiations to star in the movie “Gravity”. If it's a movie about things that are scientifically forced to the ground, it must be a documentary about her marriage to Jessie James.

Sunday’s date of 10/10/10 is attracting a rush of people to get married. The exact opposite thing happened on 6/6/06.

Michelle Obama has been picked as the world’s most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place: Justin Bieber.

A new book says that nine out of ten Americans believe in God. The other person is what most Americans call "a scientist".

A poll says that 50% more Americans are voting early. In that case, when's Election Day?

President Obama is reportedly upset with intelligence leaks to the media. He's also upset over media reports leaking that he's upset.

Lady Gaga finished ahead of Nancy Pelosi on the Forbes list of most powerful women. Nancy Pelosi is furious over the decision, and I agree. Lady Gaga doesn't really qualify as a "woman".

Tourism to Mexico is up 20% this year. You know the economy sucks when more people are going to Mexico than from Mexico.

The 14 year old girl who was the voice of “Dora The Explorer” is suing Nickelodeon, saying they cheated her out of millions of dollars of royalties. Because every bilingual 8-year old deserves to be a multimillionaire.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Trademark Suspenders"

Joke of the Day: Larry King is leaving CNN. He will always be remembered for his trademark suspenders and oversized round glasses. And also by his nickname, "Steve Urkel".

An Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. This is perfect for men who are too lazy to put on a condom.

Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. What do you expect from a guy named Dabone?

A man who uses medical marijuana for cancer says Walmart fired him after a positive testing for the drug. And also because he tested negative for lead.

General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street’s expectations. You know you suck when you aren't even good enough to satisfy Wall Street.

Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. Yeah, and that'll happen the day soccer refs allow a U.S. goal to actually count.

Men with facial hair are perceived by women to be more “wild” in the bedroom. Or, as I call them, "Sex offenders".

Kim Kardashian is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Isn't Kim Kardashian a wax figure in herself?

Beds that reportedly help cure insomnia are becoming available for $60,000. Or you could try a SleepNumber bed FREE for 90 Days! That's right, free for 90 days. And if you don't like it, send it back and we'll cover the cost of shipping!

House Minority Leader John Boehner says the financial reform bill is like killing an ant with a nuclear weapon. It's actually more like killing rats with a nuclear weapon.

A British oil broker was fined and banned from trading after he bought seven million barrels while on a drinking binge. This makes it much more likely that he worked for BP.

A flying car that can be flown like a plane and driven like a car has been given the go ahead by U.S. air authorities. And we thought those cartoon perspectives of the future were just ridiculous.

That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!