February is National Time Management Month. Okay, I'll see if I can fit it into my schedule.
South Sudan is set to secede with a 99.57% voter approval. Even worse, the votes were by citizens of North Sudan.
Charlie Sheen is going to do his rehab at home. Unfortunately for Charlie, Jon Cryer moved in with his son and won't leave.
A mountain climber barely survived a 1000-foot tumble off a Scottish mountain. I haven't seen something fall like that since Charlie Sheen's career.
A city in England has become the first "Dark Sky" city, which is a city with very little light. The city is more dark than Dick Cheney's dungeon.
A Dallas teenager was fined $637 because she was swearing in a classroom. If you want to hear more cursing in Dallas, stay tuned for tailgating at Cowboy Stadium before the Super Bowl.
House Speaker John Boehner says he is willing to play golf with President Obama. Yeah, great idea. Put a Democrat and a Republican together, and give them both golf clubs. That's gonna end well.
A study says that heart attacks increase in cities whose team loses the Super Bowl. In a related story, the death rate in Green Bay is expected to jump 47%.
The Internet is running out of new addresses. Of course, if porn is outlawed, there would be enough addresses for the rest of eternity.
A study indicates four seconds of silence is enough to turn a conversation really awkward. In that case, "The View" is the least awkward place in the world.
The government is advising people wanting to lose weight to eat less. Who would have thought that...
A gorilla in England walks erect on its legs just like a person. In fact, an American went to England and mistook it for Sylvester Stallone.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label The View. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The View. Show all posts
Tuesday, February 1, 2011
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
"A Group Of Stars"
Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".
In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.
Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".
Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".
A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.
Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".
Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?
A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.
A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.
The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".
FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.
Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.
Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".
Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".
A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.
Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".
Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?
A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.
A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.
The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".
Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.
A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.
Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".
FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, October 15, 2010
"Welcome 2 America"
Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg walked off the set of “The View” after a shouting match with Bill O’Reilly. Why do they feel the need to walk off? Shouting matches make "The View" what it is today.
Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.
Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.
The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.
A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.
A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.
New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.
Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?
Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.
That's all for right now! More later!
Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.
Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.
The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.
A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.
A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.
New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.
Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?
Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.
That's all for right now! More later!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
"The Creepy Line"
What's the difference between Charlie Sheen's wife and baseballs pitched to the Cincinnati Reds? Charlie Sheen's wife actually gets hit.
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.
Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.
The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.
The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?
Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.
Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?
A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".
A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.
A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.
An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.
A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?
The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.
A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?
A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".
A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.
Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.
The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.
The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?
Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.
Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?
A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".
A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.
A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.
An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.
A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?
The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.
A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?
A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".
A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 15, 2010
"Working Weekends"
An investigation says that New York City taxi drivers overcharged customers by $8.3 Million over the last two years. Here's my question: Where's Naomi Campbell when we need her the most?
Phil Spector is appealing his murder conviction. However, he is being accused with killing nine hairstyles; one for every time he appeared in court.
The opera "Anna Nicole" will open in London next February. This is being described as the one opera that husbands drag their wives to.
Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had a public spat during a charity tennis tournament. Strangely enough, they were fighting over who had the shortest shorts.
President Obama outlined steps to double exports. Here's an idea: How about we don't talk about China.
Bob Barker has donated $2.5 Million to PETA. In addition, he also donated a living room group, a dinette set, and a new car.
Daylight Saving Time began Sunday morning, and Americans lost an hour. Or, as the ladies from "The View" call it, "Working weekends".
“Alice In Wonderland” remained the number 1 film at the box office last weekend, pulling in $62 million. When hearing that "Alice In Wonderland" pulled in all this money, President Obama called their producer and asked, "What's your secret".
I was watching an old documentary on Vietnam, and the reporters mentioned that our government was wasting hundreds of millions of dollars on something that didn't work. Nowadays, we call them "New York Mets".
TV host Harry Smith completed a colonoscopy live on CBS’s “The Early Show” on Wednesday morning. And you thought Harry Smith had a bunch of crap come out of his mouth...
Chad Ochocinco announced that he is coming out with a new line of cologne for men called "Kiss Da Baby", and he also has a line of perfume for women called "Pay A Bill". I, too, came out with a line of cologne for Ochocinco. It's called "Shut the Mouth".
Twenty-five years ago on this date, the first company registered a Web address with the now prolific .com extension. I went to the website to see what was on it, but I wasn't able to see it. It was a picture website and I had to be 18 to enter.
Peter Graves of "Mission: Impossible" has died at the age of 83. He collapsed after having brunch with his family. So his last meal was either Denny's, IHOP, or Bob Evans.
Paula Abdul is likely going to host and judge the revival of "Star Search". Because if anybody is the mascot for a TV show like "Star Search", it's Paula Abdul.
That's it for now. More tomorrow!
Phil Spector is appealing his murder conviction. However, he is being accused with killing nine hairstyles; one for every time he appeared in court.
The opera "Anna Nicole" will open in London next February. This is being described as the one opera that husbands drag their wives to.
Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had a public spat during a charity tennis tournament. Strangely enough, they were fighting over who had the shortest shorts.
President Obama outlined steps to double exports. Here's an idea: How about we don't talk about China.
Bob Barker has donated $2.5 Million to PETA. In addition, he also donated a living room group, a dinette set, and a new car.
Daylight Saving Time began Sunday morning, and Americans lost an hour. Or, as the ladies from "The View" call it, "Working weekends".
“Alice In Wonderland” remained the number 1 film at the box office last weekend, pulling in $62 million. When hearing that "Alice In Wonderland" pulled in all this money, President Obama called their producer and asked, "What's your secret".
I was watching an old documentary on Vietnam, and the reporters mentioned that our government was wasting hundreds of millions of dollars on something that didn't work. Nowadays, we call them "New York Mets".
TV host Harry Smith completed a colonoscopy live on CBS’s “The Early Show” on Wednesday morning. And you thought Harry Smith had a bunch of crap come out of his mouth...
Chad Ochocinco announced that he is coming out with a new line of cologne for men called "Kiss Da Baby", and he also has a line of perfume for women called "Pay A Bill". I, too, came out with a line of cologne for Ochocinco. It's called "Shut the Mouth".
Twenty-five years ago on this date, the first company registered a Web address with the now prolific .com extension. I went to the website to see what was on it, but I wasn't able to see it. It was a picture website and I had to be 18 to enter.
Peter Graves of "Mission: Impossible" has died at the age of 83. He collapsed after having brunch with his family. So his last meal was either Denny's, IHOP, or Bob Evans.
Paula Abdul is likely going to host and judge the revival of "Star Search". Because if anybody is the mascot for a TV show like "Star Search", it's Paula Abdul.
That's it for now. More tomorrow!
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