"Planning to Reinvent Itself"

Conan O’Brien is reportedly talking with the Fox network about a new talk show. Thankfully, there will not be a time slot issue with Fox. Wanda Sykes works weekends.

A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".

Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".

A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.

A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.

The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.

An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.

AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.

A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".

Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.

The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?

A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.

In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.

A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?

Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".

Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.

New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.

A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.

Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.

Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.

Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.

"Drugged Driving"

College professors are starting to ban laptop computers from the classroom. They are sick of teaching the class via Twitter updates.

Mike Dunleavy was fired as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after resigning as Head Coach. The team statement says “The Clippers want to win now.” I think it would help the Clippers if they were a professional basketball team.

The U.S. says that “Drugged driving” is a growing threat on the nation’s highways. Actually, they meant "drunken driving", but the U.S. had a bad cold today.

South Africa wants a billion condoms imported for the upcoming World Cup. I like their intentions, but condoms won't solve their trafficking problem.

Chad Ochocinco says dancing is really hard because it's not something he's used to doing. At least not outside an end zone.

Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 years old today. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and caused the world's strongest hurricane.

Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress after sexual harassment allegations, said Tuesday that he groped a male staffer but denied that it was sexual. That's like gaining weight and saying food was not involved.

A study says that the number of millionaires in the U.S. went up 16% last year. The other 84% were either already millionaires, in serious poverty, or holders of health insurance policies.

Harry Smith from “The Early Show” on CBS had a colonoscopy live on the air. Talk about a gruesome sight. It was so bad that people actually preferred to watch NBC.

That's it for tonight. Sorry but I have to go. Goodbye!