"Assault and Flattery"

Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. Considering the flirtatious nature of butt slaps, the judge charged OBJ with assault and flattery.

NBA star Derrick Rose was fined $25k for throwing a pen in the stands during a game. Coincidentally enough, a flying pen was the cause of Derrick Rose's last shattered kneecap.

Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. This is a strange change of pace, as the Browns are usually the ones getting spanked.

A college professor at Drexel was caught spending $185,000 on strippers, sports bars, and iTunes. It's incredibly disappointing, as that amount of money could've gone towards purchasing two college textbooks.

Kellyanne Conway says that Martin Luther King Jr. would have disapproved of Donald Trump's impeachment. Coincidentally enough, most Americans disapprove of Kellyanne Conway getting any opportunity to talk.

Rapper B.o.B has come forward as a flat earther. This is not a surprising view for him, considering how hard he fell off of the map.

A Cleveland police officer who urinated on a girl as she waited for the bus is being sentenced to four and a half years in prison. The worst part is, because of this sentence, he won’t be able to receive his “Cleveland Police Officer Of The Year” award in person.

Kim Kardashian says she first heard the suggestion for the name North West as a joke on the Tonight Show. Getting name suggestions from jokes from the Tonight Show was cute for North, but not so much for her other son, ImTellingYouTheEconomyIsReallyBad.

Seattle is the first city in the U.S. to allow voting by smartphone. The hard part of this voting tactic will be collecting their "I voted" sticker while driving.

Brett Favre says he sees some of his own traits in Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes. In a related story, all the Chiefs’ sideline reporters have blocked Patrick Mahomes’ phone number.

A man who impersonated a doctor in order to persuade women and girls to electrocute themselves for his own sexual gratification has been jailed for 11 years. The man allegedly showed no remorse in court, as he began to masturbate while the judge was announcing the (ahem...) charges.

Billie Eilish says she made her Grammy winning album in her bedroom at her parents house. Which makes sense, considering she sings like her parents are asleep in the next room over.

A girl on the Bachelor went to a private concert for a date of Chase Rice, who was an ex boyfriend of hers. I actually find it nice that they had her past ex-boyfriend play music for her future ex-boyfriend.

Prince Andrew reportedly is offering zero cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein probe. This marks the first time that someone not cooperating with a Jeffrey Epstein probe was an adult.

A study says lowering the speed limit is ineffective in reducing wildlife vehicle collisions. They plan to take it a step further: teaching the wildlife not to text and drive.

The Panthers have released TE Greg Olsen. And per tradition, he was released onto a bench after having his arm around two trainers.

Well, that's all I have for January! I've maintained my goal to write one monologue joke per day. Are they all funny? That's for you to decide. More coming mid-February!

"Disturbing The Penis"

Hooters had a Valentine's Day promotion where you received 10 free wings if you brought in a picture of your ex to shred. Because what better way to say "screw you" to your ex than telling them you still think about them while you eat chicken wings by yourself.

Rapper Sheck Wes has been accused of being abusive to an ex-girlfriend. This explains why he had to change the opening line of Mo Bamba to "I got hoes callin' 9-1-1".

The New England Patriots won Super Bowl LIII against the LA Rams. The best part of the victory is that they can go to Disney World and visit Josh Gordon while he's working the concession stand.

Seattle Seahawks QB Russell Wilson won the Precision Passing contest at the 2019 Pro Bowl by hitting the most targets. His secret to winning was imagining that all the targets were pictures of Malcolm Butler.

Rapper Lil Uzi Vert said that he's going to stop making music. When hearing how upset this news made his fans, he responded to them by saying, "I don't really care if you cry."

Democrats are accusing Donald Trump of manufacturing a crisis. Though if it's any consolation, at least something of Donald Trump's was manufactured in America.

A serial arsonist is targeting Jehovah's Witnesses in Washington State. Wow, you must really hate members of a religion to set your own front doorstep on fire.

Tumblr is getting rid of adult content. Or, to put it in the terms of a Tumblr user: "We can't adult anymore."

The Washington Redskins have signed QB Mark Sanchez. They did this so he could come in and teach Colt McCoy how to properly run into his own offensive lineman.

The Cleveland Indians are getting rid of their mascot Chief Wahoo. If you're upset about that team getting rid of the logo that's an offensive depiction of a Native American, there's a 100% chance that you have a profile picture that looks like an offensive depiction of a white person.

The Cleveland Cavaliers were awarded the 2022 NBA All Star Game. This is a part of the Cavs' effort to show citizens of Cleveland what a professional basketball team looks like.

The Cleveland Browns have signed RB Kareem Hunt. This gives Browns fans the perfect excuse to start putting paper bags over their heads again.

New Jacksonville Jaguars RB Carlos Hyde says he's a perfect fit for the Jags offense. This is due to his incredible ability to tackle defenders after Blake Bortles throws an interception.

Last year, Atlanta Falcons RB Tevin Coleman became the father of twins. This makes him one of the few NFL players to have multiple children with the same woman.

Donald Trump reportedly wanted to buy decades of dirt that the National Enquirer had on him. If the purchase is successful, the public will never get to hear the incredible story about Trump's affair with a space alien.

Police in Illinois discovered 218 severed dicks in the house of a mortician. He's expected to be charged with 218 counts of disturbing the penis.

That's all I have for right now! Well, little bit of an update to those of you who somehow made it to this last paragraph and still even bother to read it and keep up: since my last post, I no longer DJ at Uncle Woody's or Ladder 19. Those places were definitely fun while they lasted, but we all decided to go our separate ways. I will miss the camaraderie and fun times I had at those places, and will look back fondly on doing those gigs several years down the road. I met so many people and can't thank all of them enough for giving me so many killer nights out.

Sentimentality aside, I'm still going hard at standup, and I am currently planning a couple big summer trips to pursue standup even harder and check out a couple bigger standup scenes. Also, I still have my DJ gig at Milano's on Saturday nights at UD, which has quickly become the highlight of my week every week!

Anyway, I'll have more jokes coming later on!

"Partial Arts"

Crews in Philadelphia are covering light poles in grease to prevent Eagles fans from climbing them. It sharply decreased the amount of fans who wanted to climb the light poles and sharply increased the amount of fans who wanted to eat the light poles.

Kim Kardashian and Kanye West named their newest child "Chicago". They should give up hope for this child giving them grandchildren, considering it's gonna take her 108 years to even get a ring.

New Miami Marlins owner Derek Jeter wants to get rid of the giant statue in Marlins Park. He plans to do so by trading it to the Yankees for two cheaper and younger statues.

North Korean dictator Kim Jong Un warned the US that "the button for nuclear weapons is on my table". This is the first time ever that something on Kim Jong Un's table wasn't covered in cheese.

Because of the Browns losing season, head coach Hue Jackson will jump into Lake Erie. Instead, I think Browns players should throw him in; because it would be a nice change of pace to see a Cleveland Browns throw hit its intended target.

Steve Harvey is hosted the New Year's Eve celebration on FOX. To prepare, FOX took extra precautions to make sure Steve didn't wish people a happy 2021.

A 10-year old judo champion is making headlines because he has one arm. It looks like that kid has mastered partial arts.

The Texas Attorney General said that guns are allowed in some churches. It's a risky move for Texans to bring guns to church, especially since most of them worship their guns as if they're false idols.

Scientists say bananas as we know them could wipe out within the next 5-10 years. So to make sure they don't wipe out, we need to take extra precaution to make sure they don't walk over any bananas.

The Miami Marlins have traded some of their top players, including Giancarlo Stanton and Dee Gordon. As a result, their average attendance for home games is expected to drop all the way from 12 people to 7 people.

Blake Shelton named People Magazine's Sexiest Man Alive. It was a stunning upset over Alabama senatorial candidate Roy Moore.

The Minnesota Lynx defeated the LA Sparks in the WNBA Finals. Upon receiving the box of "Sparks WNBA Champs" shirts, kids in Africa said "Nah, we're cool".

Hugh Hefner has died at the age of 91. His casket will be stored in an attic until a 10-year old boy finds it and shows all his friends at school.

One week in September was Bisexual Awareness Week. If there was a street parade to celebrate, it would be the only parade where the floats go both ways.

That's all I have for now! And after a rough 2017, 2018 has gotten off to a flying start for me. I have two jobs that I'm very happy at (I work for the UC IMPACT program and my trivia/DJ stuff is going swimmingly). In addition, I just hosted a killer weekend of standup for Phil Hanley at Go Bananas. That week was incredible on all ends, as I performed for some of the biggest crowds I've ever performed for, including my biggest ever crowd of 250 for the Saturday late show. Let's see if we can't make 2018 my bounce back year. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Gltiuy Of The Btoson Bmobnig"

A study says people that have more sex are less happy. This study included statistics, expert opinions, and pictures of my recent trip to Disney World.

American Idol has been canceled by Fox after 15 seasons. However, it was canceled by most American households after 9 seasons.

American Idol has been canceled. Speaking of has-beens, I hear Justin Guarini and Sanjaya Malakar picked up extra shifts at Applebees today.

Jacksonville Jaguars DE and 3rd overall pick Dante Fowler Jr. tore his ACL at his first NFL practice. Even with his torn ACL, he's still the 4th best player on their team.

A woman in a wheelchair on the Price is Right won a treadmill. Not to be outdone, I just won dinner for two at a romantic restaurant.

Kristen Stewart said that Hollywood is "disgustingly sexist". That's absurd. A woman talking?

Two University of Akron graduates invented a device that detects drivers under the influence of marijuana. It's called a Taco Bell drive thru window.

CNN has hired 40 political reporters to boost ratings. Apparently the key to making yourself not boring is hiring 40 boring people.

A Florida man claiming to be Thor was caught having sex with a tree. To be fair, anyone that has sex with a tree would end up very very Thor.

A verdict has been reached in the trial for Boston Bomber Dzhokhar Tsarnaev. He was found gltiuy of the Btoson Bmobnig, and he is expected to be sentenced to lfie in psiron. (update - he was recently sentenced to daeth)

Vanilla Ice was charged with burglary and sentenced to 100 hours pf community service. This will be the closest he's come to having a job in 15 years.

Indiana recently signed into law a new religious freedom bill that allegedly gives businesses the right to discriminate against gay people. Yep, it gives Indiana businesses the right to openly practice their Christianity by judging others.

On Tinder, Jason Derulo recently promoted his new single. Ironically, it's the same app where I promote myself being terribly single.

March 14th is known as "Pi Day", which celebrates the mathematical concept of Pi. If you celebrate Pi Day, I'll refer to you as a "Circle's circumference" because people who celebrate a day about Pi are squares.

ESPN recently aired several Alex Rodriguez at bats on Sportscenter in his chase for Willie Mays' home run total. I assume they did this to make sure he didn't eat the pitcher.

That's all for now, friends! And boy has my life changed dramatically since my last post in early March. It's changed for the better, and in some ways, for the worse, so strap in, folks.

First, in mid March, I recently achieved a credit that not a lot of comics can say they have achieved. Somehow, I was the tweet of the day on Comedy Central's @midnight. This feat is next to impossible to achieve. Tens of thousands of tweets are sent on their topic every night. This night, the topic was #MakeACelebrityIrish, and my tweet "Carrot Top o' the mornin to ya" (which I almost deleted) was the selected tweet out of tens of thousands of tweets that night. I had been trying for over a year, and I had sent at least a couple hundred tweets to that show for their games. I treated them like joke writing exercises, and they kept my mind and my Twitter account active. Have I had funnier @midnight tweets? Yes (see my #TVShowSequels entry "I Didn't Know I Left My Child That I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant With In A Hot Car"), but this is the only one that achieved tweet of the day status. When it happened, I lost my shit. It was completely unexpected. It's a small credit, but it was still great for me.

The very next day, I got a message from the guy who books MCs at Go Bananas in Cincinnati, and he asked me if I wanted to host the April 9th-12th weekend at Go Bananas, to which I immediately agreed. The comic I got to open six shows for was the incredible Nate Bargatze. This guy is beloved in the standup community and has an unreal amount of credits (Conan, @midnight, an hour special on Comedy Central, a favorite of Jimmy Fallon, to name a few). This weekend, besides the Sunday show where a lady got offended by one of my inoffensive and highly personal jokes, went incredible. I couldn't have asked for a better experience. I learned a ton and got to hang out with some awesome people.

Yeah, I had an incredible streak of two and a half weeks where literally everything went right, and while this streak was going on, I knew at some point that it'd be over and I'd come back down to earth. And boy did I. First, in early April, I made the mistake at my job at Toby Keith's of acting like a babydaddy from the Maury show in front of the all black kitchen staff. They were understandably offended, and in the blink of an eye, I went from potential big money during Reds season to being fired. I was distraught for awhile, but at a job where I was looked down upon and made fun of almost every shift, it was a semi relief. I was also hoping to get a girlfriend by the end of the school year after losing a shit ton of weight and gaining confidence. In a stretch of three weeks, I was turned down by two girls. I was depressed for a bit, but now I'm back on my feet and doing well. I have a new job at Dewey's Pizza, and I have new methods to try and get a girlfriend (one of which, ironically, is to stop trying super hard).

My life has taken some crazy turns recently, but I'm still the same goofy fuck I was since the last post. Here's to another crazy few months! Anyway, more later!

"A Distinct Odor"

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing. When I heard the news, I jumped up and down on a couch in excitement.

Adele is pregnant. She will be the only mom whose lullabies will make a crying baby cry even more.

A new study says that old people release a distinct odor. The study was conducted by me in a nursing home and get me out of here this place is awful.

Rielle Hunter and John Edwards have broken up. "That's too bad," said people without a soul.

Kim Kardashian says her fans are "stupid imbeciles". I didn't know she could say "stupid imbeciles" with an NBA player's dick in her mouth.

A boy died while masturbating 42 times without stopping. His autopsy says "He beat himself to death, so to speak."

I recently read about a groom who got drunk and cheated on his wife at their wedding. Even worse, he cheated with the flower girl.

Duke basketball head coach Mike Kryzewski says Penn State made a mistake firing Joe Paterno. Well good luck hiring him back.

Jerry Sandusky reportedly called himself the tickle monster. Which is strange, because I didn't know the tickle monster aimed there.

Casey Anthony said that she loved her daughter more than anybody. Of course she did. That's why Casey cried when she killed her.

A study says that a good sex life will help you live longer. If that's the case, I died five years ago.

Miley Cyrus is engaged. She would put the ring on her finger if she can get it out of Billy Ray's asshole.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Five Wives"

A Japanese man cooked his own genitals and served them at a banquet. I can't believe he had the balls to do that.

Jenna Jameson was arrested for DUI. Let me get this straight. A drunk porn star in handcuffs? There is a god!

A Tennessee man, Desmond Hatchett, has fathered 30 children with 11 different women.  Does this guy have Maury Povich on speed dial?


Tonight is the National Spelling Bee.  The winner will more than likely get a red dot on their forehead.


Justin Bieber reportedly assaulted a member of the paparazzi.  If I were Justin Bieber, I would punch myself in the face.


A three-year old boy was kicked off an Alaska Airlines flight.  As a person who gets on airplanes sometimes, I hope to God this catches on.


“Five Wives” Vodka is being criticized for being offensive to Mormons.  And Mitt Romney isn't?


A Michigan woman who was abducted, shot and set on fire has given birth to a baby boy.  She named it "Johnny Knoxville".

The IRS says that 1 in 189 high income earners paid no income tax in 2009.  Ironically, they all endorsed Mitt Romney.


An explosion in Kenya that injured 33 people is being blamed on a “bearded man”.  Who knew the Amish could cause explosions?


The War in Afghanistan has severely limited tourism in that country, according to the government.  But let's be honest, here.  What is there to see in Afghanistan besides deserts and batshit crazy people?


A study says that saturated fat hurts people’s brain function.  This means that Oprah Winfrey is mentally retarded.


That's all I have for today!  More coming later!

"Stealing Tide Detergent"

Bear Grylls was fired from "Man vs. Wild". This was a result of him taking a piss and actually flushing it down the toilet.

More than 52 percent of Republican voters in Mississippi think President Obama is a Muslim. But don't worry, Barack. The opinions of Republicans don't matter.

A study says ambitious, successful people live longer and are happier. This study was conducted by reading horoscopes.

A poll says 18% of Facebook users blocked, unfriended or deleted someone based on politics. I belong in the other 82% who was deleted because of shitty and offensive jokes.

An ex-porn actor in Florida was allowed to seek getting a teaching certificate. Basically, he's going from one sex industry to another.

Police say there has been a dramatic increase in people stealing Tide detergent. Talk about a "clean getaway".

A nine-year old girl in China gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Combine the fact that there's a nine year old girl is in labor, and the fact that it was in China, driving to the hospital must have been a fucking nightmare.

A Pittsburgh Arena football coach fired all 24 members of his team at a dinner at the Olive Garden. Hey, for taking his team to the Olive Garden, the coach deserves to be fired.

Justin Bieber's newest single is called "Boyfriend". Let the jokes begin!

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Crotch Grabbing Dance"

The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.

The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.

Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.

A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".

A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.

Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.

A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.

A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?

Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.

President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.

President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.

A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.

The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.

That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!

"Rod And Reel"

The NBA lockout is over. Oh crap, what's SportsCenter going to talk about now?

There is a story of a sixth grader who develops iPhone apps. I hope he develops one that can get him a girlfriend.

A 13 year old boy in my hometown of Cincinnati was accused of raping a 5 year old girl in a McDonald's playplace. The boy was taken into custody, where he was later raped by Jerry Sandusky.

Mila Kunis attended the North Carolina Marine Corps Ball with a soldier in the Marine Corps. That soldier is one lucky bastard.

The DMV is Washington, D.C. is offering free HIV tests. San Francisco, take note.

Oregon Governor John Kitzhaber has banned all executions in the state. Oregon: that third thing Rick Perry wanted to get rid of.

A survey says the most popular passwords in 2011 are “password” and “12345”. Of course, on websites where numbers and letters are both required in passwords, the most popular password was "password12345".

A man in Massachusetts caught an 881-pound tuna, only to have it taken away by authorities because he didn't catch it with a rod and reel. Sounds fishy to me.

Michele Bachmann has accused CBS News of being biased. And FOX News isn't?

A memory expert is offering memorization tips to Rick Perry. It's quite simple, really. It's called "pen and paper".

A Russian TV anchor has been fired for giving President Obama the finger during a live newscast. He was then immediately hired at FOX News.

That's all I have for today! Follow me on Twitter @GroperCleveland for one liners and more stupid stuffs like that. Anyway, more tomorrow!

"Nokia Lunia"

Pop singer Adele is undergoing throat surgery. I hope the gurney she goes on is well reinforced.

A police officer in Miami was arrested going 120 mph to get to a second job on time. Apparently his second job was a NASCAR driver.

An eruption on Uranus got the attention of astronomy scientists all over the world. The last time I heard about an eruption on Uranus, I had to call a plumber.

The name of the Nokia Lunia cell phone translates to “prostitute” in Spanish. However, this was a much better name than their previous phone, the Nokia Lohan.

A Pennsylvania boy died after smoking synthetic marijuana. He has asked that his casket be painted with a Doritos logo on top.

Two Domino's Pizza workers in Florida have been arrested for burning down a Papa John's. And you thought security guards took their job too seriously.

Two Japanese fishermen caught a bag that had nearly $150,000 in it. In other news, President Obama has announced a fishing trip.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Snakes In His Pants"

Libyan President Moammar Qaddafi had a photo album of former US Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice in his compound. He would have been less embarrassed if he knew what Google Images was.

Former VP Dick Cheney had a secret signed resignation letter locked away in a safe. Apparently Steve Jobs found the combination.

Dick Cheney says his new memoir will have “heads exploding all over Washington.” More like "faces".

A man in Arizona was arrested for stuffing $4000 worth of snakes in his pants. He should have been satisfied with just one snake in his pants, if you know what I mean.

One of the most feared pests in the world has been found in Chicago. The pest is feared, which means that he obviously doesn't play for the Cubs.

Kathy Griffin says she loves Justin Bieber. I knew she was into gays and lesbians, but I didn't know she WAS one.

A Florida Marlins day game attracted a crowd of 347 fans. At this point, the Marlins are going to have to pay people to attend their games.

The Marines have banned troops in Afghanistan from audible flatulence because it offends Afghans. They were okay with 9/11, but when it comes to farting, that's where they draw the line.

Professors at the University of Georgia are offering courses for illegal immigrants who have been banned from the school. I hope somewhere in the curriculum is an English class.

Goshen College in Indiana has banned the National Anthem from being sung at sporting events because of its violent lyrics. Then after that, they will play a football game full of cursing and hard tackling.

The east coast earthquake reportedly helped a deaf man regain his hearing. He puts the "ear" in "earthquake".

A survey says suburban Chicago teens engage in risky behavior. Like betting on the Cubs to make it to the World Series.

That's all I have for today, my birthday! More tomorrow!

"Not Running For President"

A poll says that 6% of Americans are following the royal wedding closely. The other 94% of Americans have a life.

“The Paul Reiser Show” was cancelled after two episodes after posting the lowest ratings in NBC history. You know you suck when your ratings are too low for NBC.

Earth Day organizers are encouraging people to take part in an effort called “A Billion Acts of Green”. This is not to be confused with Wall Street, who takes part in "A Billion Acts of Greed".

Mississippi Republican Governor Haley Barbour says that he (yes, he) is not running for President. This would be terrible news, if only I knew who the hell he was.

This is National Scoop the Poop Week. Man, I'm tired of that crap.

The White House Easter Egg Roll is on Monday. That's when you know China is taking over this country: when egg rolls are a part of the White House.

That's all I have for today! Well, I'm starting to plan my graduation party! I graduate only a month from TODAY! One month left in my whole high school career and I get to leave Turpin! Well, more tomorrow!

"Wild Partying"

Today is St. Patrick's Day, a day of wild partying, binge drinking, and thinking you are extremely lucky. Or, as Charlie Sheen calls it, Thursday.

Hillary Clinton says she will not serve a a second term as Secretary of State or run for President again. Good.

A New York woman is suing a preschool for her $19,000 a year tuition, saying the school was not preparing her four year old daughter for a top tier college. What? Were the naps not long enough?

A study says that talking on cell phones while crossing the street can be dangerous for elderly people. Crossing the street for elderly people is dangerous period.

Kelly Clarkson’s new album will be delayed for a few months. In response, I said, "What's the bad news?".

Michael Flatley will release an album where he plays the flute. The album is called "Michael Flutely".

L.A. Clippers owner Donald Sterling admitted he wasn’t familiar with the Hall of Fame playing career of Elgin Baylor when he hired him. I mean, who else on the Clippers knows what the Hall of Fame is.

Tiger Woods says he thinks he is still the best golfer in the world. At his own video game, maybe.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Free Condoms"

Barbie and Ken are reportedly back together. God, I haven't seen so much controversy regarding the relationship between two plastic douches since Heidi and Spencer.

McDonald's restaurants in Hong Kong are allowing couples to get married with "McWeddings". To the couples getting married at "McWeddings": Do you have any McClass?

New York City has a new app that helps cellphone users find a location distributing free condoms. Of course, Los Angeles has the exact same thing. It's called "a map to Charlie Sheen's house".

An Oregon man who videotaped his car’s speedometer hitting 140-mph was arrested and jailed. He was charged with going nowhere fast.

Maine lawmakers are about to name the whoopie pie as the state’s official treat. If that's the case, what is Maine's official cushion?

A new book says the 33 trapped Chilean miners considered suicide and cannibalism, then later demanded sex toys. They were not able to get the sex toys because, of course, they were miners.

Billy Ray Cyrus says he wishes the Disney show “Hannah Montana” had never been started. Billy, I feel your pain. We all feel that way.

Real estate mogul Donald Trump says he is interested in investing in the New York Mets. I thought he was known to make good investments.

An Illinois woman is being accused of updating her Facebook status while driving when she hit and killed a pedestrian. At the autopsy, the coroner wrote "It's complicated" right next to cause of death.

Two Senators are asking Major League Baseball to ban smokeless tobacco. Wouldn't chew think that would be a huge benefit?

O.J. Simpson was reportedly seriously beaten in prison. I guess "The Juice" got juiced.

Lindsay Lohan will read the Top Ten list on the Late Show with David Letterman. It's fairly likely that she will literally steal the show.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

'Safe For Women"

Bill O’Reilly says he’s concerned about House Speaker John Boehner’s emotional stability. He also announced that he's concerned with Charlie Sheen's drug problem.

An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.

A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?

Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.

An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.

Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.

Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?

The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?

There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.

A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.

A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

MY 300TH POST

Oprah Winfrey celebrates her 57th birthday on Saturday. Everybody in her audience would have gotten a birthday cake, but she ate them all.

Justin Bieber will team with Ozzy Osbourne to do a commercial that will air during the Super Bowl. Ozzy and Justin are very different, of course. One is a terrible singer with gross hair and doesn't deserve the women he gets, and the other one is Ozzy Osbourne.

A survey says half of all men would forgive their female partner for having an affair if it were with another woman. And if they could sleep with her too.

NATO says the war in Afghanistan won’t end like Vietnam. I agree. I don't think North Afghanistan will invade South Afghanistan.

MTV “Teen Mom” star Amber Portwood admits she is an “unfit mom”. Which makes her fit in perfectly with the rest of the cast.

A man is suing Facebook for $500,000 after his account was disabled. He's either going to lose the case and completely waste his time, or he's going to win the case and begin wasting his time once again.

AT&T wireless subscribers are now up to 95.5 Million people. And of those 95.5 Million, approximately five of them have cell phone service.

A project between Microsoft and IBM says that less personal information displayed on the Internet is the best way to protect privacy. No... way!

A report says that 17.7 Billion apps will be downloaded in 2011. The number is expected to double upon the release of a porn app.

An English man had to be taken to the hospital after trying to remove a moth from his ear with a vacuum cleaner. When asked to comment on his day, the man said, "Well, the idea completely sucked".

That's all I have for today! Well, happy 300th post to me! More tomorrow!

"A Half Sister"

Glenn Beck recently called Keith Olbermann "the world's biggest pain in the ass". People who have met me will beg to differ.

Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.

A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.

President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.

Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!

Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.

A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.

Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...

Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.

An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.

Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".

Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Banished Words"

It is officially 2011. People think this will be a year of promise. That is, until an attention-seeking dumbass screws it all up.

A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.

Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.

This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.

New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.

Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.

Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.

Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?

Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?

Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.

TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!

That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!