"Writing A Memoir"

Dec. 1, 1891, James Naismith invented basketball.  Basketball has existed for 121 years, and the Nets still don't know how to play.

A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice.  In Los Angeles, they call that "Plastic surgery".

Snoop Dogg will perform at Prince William’s bachelor’s party.  It's a good idea.  The person in the world with nothing better to do will host Snoop Dogg at his wedding.

Tony Parker’s attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria.  It's like he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals.

No major hurricanes hit the U.S, mainland for the fifth straight year, despite twelve hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Basin.  So despite several signs that something major would happen, nothing really did.  Kind of like Obama's presidency.

More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year.  What use do credit cards have if they don't have any money?

Guns will soon be allowed on Amtrak trains.  Or, as people who are full of themselves call them, arms.

An economist says that house prices will “bounce along the bottom” for most of next year.  Kind of like the economy.

A report says that more teens are getting their high school diplomas.  Of course, a high school diploma now is the equivalent of an elementary school education thirty years ago.

The UK is going to limit the export of a drug that is used in executions in the U.S.  Instead of the drugs, the UK is going to send the US their food.

Tiger Woods’ story is going to be dramatized on NBC’s “Law & Order”.  "Law & Order": the two things most lacking in the NFL.

A study says that good looks may actually hurt women in a job interview.  Unless you work in porn.

Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir of her time as a judge on “American Idol”.  This is another step in the "Anybody Can Write A Book" list.

Kid Rock says that scalpers are ruining his birthday party by buying tickets and reselling them for a higher price.  Of course, how do we know that Kid Rock tickets have any value?

That's all I have for today!  More tomorrow!

"Touchdown Jesus"

Joke of the Day: The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have less hits than a tennis racket with no strings.

CNN news host Anderson Cooper attacked executives from BP for staying away from his news broadcasts. Cooper also stated that BP stayed away from his broadcasts just like they stayed away from the Gulf of Mexico.

North Korea has threatened military action in response to any United Nations censures regarding the sinking of a South Korean ship. However, the North Koreans are going to respond with something not very threatening: their soccer team.

The system designed to accommodate orders for the new 4G iPhone was so overwhelmed Tuesday that calls could not go through. There's AT&T for ya.

A six-story statue in Cincinnati known as "Touchdown Jesus" was struck by lightning and the foam components burned to the ground. This is a sad ending. This statue was the closest Cincinnati has ever come to a touchdown.

A restaurant in Pittsburgh is now selling food from countries that don't like the U.S. Because when I think of a way to unwind, it's a steaming plate of Iraqi food.

The Indonesian boy who is addicted to smoking has now cut down from 40 cigarettes a day to just 15. Probably because the factory he works at limited his smoke breaks.

The longest traffic light has been discovered in New Jersey, and it's 5 minutes long. It's so long and boring, you almost feel like you're at a Nets game.

Researchers at the University of Minnesota have linked tanning beds to brain damage. Otherwise known as "Jersey Shore".

In a recent USA poll, only 58% of Americans would give CPR to their boss. The other 42% of Americans already feel like they have given mouth to mouth to their boss.

On E! News, Ryan Seacrest was talking about Kim Kardashian frolicking with Justin Bieber. Of course, Seacrest was heartbroken.

Police in New York are looking for the "Botox Bandit", who has passed bad checks in order to get Botox. In related news, Joan Rivers now has a criminal record.

A government report says that 1.6 Million more Americans did volunteer work in 2009. Or, as Walmart calls those workers, "Employees".

A study says that obese women have more trouble finding a sex partner than obese men. This is mainly because men are more willing to pay for it than women.

People in Miami are worried that the Gulf oil spill may scare away foreign visitors. For one thing, it's scared off British Petroleum.

AND FINALLY, FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Christina Aguilera sang the National Anthem at Game 6 of the NBA Championship. Apparently the U.S. has found its own version of the vuvuzela.

That's all for now, everybody! More coming tomorrow!

"Undelivered Mail and Ads"

Joke of the Day: In the finale of Fox’s hit show “24”, government agent Jack Bauer was shot and beaten, but he was able to walk away. The episode is called, "A Day in the Life of a Rapper".

North Korea cut all ties with South Korea and said it will start a series of punitive actions against them. For starters, North Korea will play Justin Bieber music at full volume.

The 2014 Super Bowl will be held in February outdoors at the new Meadowlands Stadium in New Jersey. The loser of the Super Bowl will be punished by staying in New Jersey.

Thousands of pieces of undelivered mail and ads from the early 1990s have been found in a shed in Michigan. Strangely enough, they were all Victoria's Secret catalogs.

Christina Aguilera has cancelled her US tour, claiming she needs more time to practice. I'm not sure she can wait another 45 years.

NBA Coach Phil Jackson said that he doesn't want to coach for the Chicago Bulls, but he was "intrigued" by the New Jersey Nets. That's like me saying, "Nah, I don't want to write comedy material for Jay Leno. However, I did hear that Carrot Top is hiring!".

Health officials say one reason so many American kids are overweight is that few have a nearby place to play and exercise. Their parents were able to figure it out. They call it, "A backyard".

President Obama is becoming frustrated with the BP oil spill, and he is saying that he wants to "plug the damn hole". Either that, or he was talking about Joe Biden.

That's all for now. More later!

"The Pi Beta Phi Sorority"

Joke of the Day: A new iPhone app turns a person’s picture into what they would look like as a neanderthal. Larry King already has something like that. It's called a mirror.

The Walt Disney Co. posted a 55% jump in second quarter earnings thanks to the success of the 3-D film “Alice in Wonderland”. And also because they stopped airing "Hannah Montana".

The Pi Beta Phi sorority at Miami University of Ohio has been suspended for a year for their outrageous behavior at a party including drunkenness, public urination and uncontrolled sex. Who else considers it strange that Ben Roethlisberger went to college at that very school?

NASA says it has found a huge chunk of the universe’s matter that it had considered missing. To which Pluto said, "Thank you for finding us".

Hank Haney resigned as Tiger Woods swing coach. So if Hank Haney is the swing coach, does that make Tiger Woods a swinger?

Russia’s richest man, Mikhail Prokhorov, purchased 80% of the New Jersey Nets. Or, as the Nets call it, their losses.

A ”brain dead” satellite drifting in space could interrupt cable programming in the U.S. I don't know what question more Americans have asked, "What would we do without cable?" or, "Why would they name anything after George W. Bush?".

The SEC is looking into what caused the stock market plunge of more than 1,000 points last week. I blame it on the fact that the Parental Controls were shut down.

That's all for now. Definitely more later!

"Door To The Afterlife"

Larry King’s audience on CNN has dropped 43%. Seriously, when it comes to Larry King, what hasn't dropped?

Google CEO Eric Schmidt’s compensation in 2009 fell 52%. This is a valuable lesson to all business people: Don't take China out of the picture.

A study says that job stress can cause weight gain in some people. Who knew being host of "The Price Is Right" was the most stressful job in the world?

A new study confirms that consumption of chocolate can help to reduce the risk of heart attacks. That's because your heart will be too fat and lazy to attack you.

Ricky Martin has admitted that he is gay. That's what happens when you live la vida loca.

President Obama will throw out the ceremonial first pitch for the Washington Nationals this year. Remember how poorly he threw the first pitch at the All-Star game last year? It was bad enough to make him the team's ace.

CEO pay in major corporations dropped 8.6% in 2009. However, unearned bonuses evened the bar.

When actress Lindsay Lohan left a friend’s house in LA Saturday, her shoes were covered in a white powder. Lindsay Lohan with white powder? I'm sure it's not anything illegal...

The chief executive of the New Jersey Nets will have a brown bag lunch with the Nets fan who recently wore a bag over his head during a game to protest the team’s terrible season. He had a brown bag lunch most likely because that's all he could afford.

A guest host filling in for Glenn Beck said that the new health care reform program is racist because it imposes a tax on tanning salons. This statement was complete bull, which made him the perfect substitute for Glenn Beck.

Heavy rain storms this week may cause flooding on the east coast and threaten to establish new rainfall records. And yet, the Knicks and Nets can't be farther underwater.

Archaeologists in Egypt have uncovered a 3,500-year-old door to the afterlife. Even more amazing, Larry King was a founding member.

FROM MY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
A study says that binging on high calorie foods can be as addictive as nicotine or cocaine. The only question is whether you want your addiction to make you skinny or fat.

That's it for today! And this week has been amazing! Monday, I met Jay Leno and today Craig Ferguson called me a "little douchebag", but not in a bad way.

Anyway, more jokes tomorrow!