Actress Lea Michele of "Glee" turns 25 on Monday. Her costar Chris Colfer will come out of a giant cake at her party. And by "come out", I think you know what I mean.
Airlines cancelled more than 11,000 flights around the country due to Hurricane Irene. Well that blows.
Jimmer Fredette, who attended BYU, is engaged. Good luck to him and all three of his fiances.
Beyonce is reportedly pregnant. Jay-Z now has 100 problems.
Google is testing the fastest Internet service in the world. In other words, something not from Google.
New Jersey Governor Chris Christie has told people to "get the hell off the beach" in advance of Hurricane Irene. Except for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Britney Spears says if she was not famous, she would be a teacher. Because if there's one thing we know about Britney Spears, it's that she's great with kids.
Dwayne Wade says the Miami Heat passed the chemistry test last season. I also think it's fair to say that they failed the final exam.
Rumor has it that Chaz Bono will be a participant on the next season of “Dancing with the Stars”. Haven't there been enough earthquakes recently?
Hurricane experts were forecasting a multi-billion dollar disaster approaching the east coast. The predictions were proven to be correct when the experts tuned in to Jersey Shore.
At the Video Music awards, Justin Bieber won best male video, and Lady Gaga won best female video. Wait, I might have the two confused.
That's all I have for today! Wow, I hate to be arrogant, but I loved these jokes.
Showing posts with label Miami Heat. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Miami Heat. Show all posts
Monday, August 29, 2011
Wednesday, August 3, 2011
"McDonald's Wipeouts"
An Xbox addict died after a marathon session from developing a blood clot from sitting so long without moving. His last words were, "What does a vagina feel like?".
Lindsay Lohan reportedly fell down while partying with Paris Hilton. That's weird. Usually, Paris is the one on her knees.
Jerry Lewis slammed contestants on “American Idol” for being “McDonald’s wipeouts”. He certainly hit the nail on the head, didn't he, Kelly Clarkson?
Randy Moss retired from the NFL after 13 seasons. He holds the single season record for touchdowns, as well as the all time record in fines.
Muhammad Ali wrote a letter to the people of Norway expressing sadness regarding the recent Oslo massacre. At least he tried to.
A Dunkin' Donuts employee was arrested for prostitution on the job. I knew something was up when I bought two muffins and they cost $250 an hour.
A new website in Germany allows you to rate your priest. We already have that in America. It's called Craigslist.
A Saudi billionaire is going to build the world tallest tower. He signed a 4.6 billion dollar contract with Bin Laden Group to build a giant tower. What could possibly go wrong?
“Two and a Half Men” will open the new season with a funeral for Charlie Sheen’s character and having killing him off. And after that, a real life funeral will be held for his career.
All 50 states had record high temperatures during July. If only the Heat were this effective during the NBA Finals.
A study says there are 14 different types of noses. The most annoying of them is a brown nose.
That's all I have for today! Man, I feel like I was on a roll writing these jokes. I hope you like them as much as I did. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Lindsay Lohan reportedly fell down while partying with Paris Hilton. That's weird. Usually, Paris is the one on her knees.
Jerry Lewis slammed contestants on “American Idol” for being “McDonald’s wipeouts”. He certainly hit the nail on the head, didn't he, Kelly Clarkson?
Randy Moss retired from the NFL after 13 seasons. He holds the single season record for touchdowns, as well as the all time record in fines.
Muhammad Ali wrote a letter to the people of Norway expressing sadness regarding the recent Oslo massacre. At least he tried to.
A Dunkin' Donuts employee was arrested for prostitution on the job. I knew something was up when I bought two muffins and they cost $250 an hour.
A new website in Germany allows you to rate your priest. We already have that in America. It's called Craigslist.
A Saudi billionaire is going to build the world tallest tower. He signed a 4.6 billion dollar contract with Bin Laden Group to build a giant tower. What could possibly go wrong?
“Two and a Half Men” will open the new season with a funeral for Charlie Sheen’s character and having killing him off. And after that, a real life funeral will be held for his career.
All 50 states had record high temperatures during July. If only the Heat were this effective during the NBA Finals.
A study says there are 14 different types of noses. The most annoying of them is a brown nose.
That's all I have for today! Man, I feel like I was on a roll writing these jokes. I hope you like them as much as I did. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Monday, December 6, 2010
"The First Pardons"
President Obama has granted the first pardons of his presidency. Among his pardons: the Dancing With The Stars judges for letting Bristol get all the way to the finals.
In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors. In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.
Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show. She didn't have to go on there? Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".
A 12-foot-long oarfish washed on to the beach in Malibu. He's so tall, even Yao Ming was like, "Woah, dude, where did you get the stilts?".
Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars. Kind of like the Miami Heat.
Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life. In America, we call those "tabloids".
A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring. This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows. Instead of them paying me, I pay them.
NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management. Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.
An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library. She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.
Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards. Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?
The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older. It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.
Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power. What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors. In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.
Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show. She didn't have to go on there? Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".
Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars. Kind of like the Miami Heat.
Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life. In America, we call those "tabloids".
A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring. This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows. Instead of them paying me, I pay them.
NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management. Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.
An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library. She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.
Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards. Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?
The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older. It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.
Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power. What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, November 29, 2010
"The Next Release"
While playing basketball, President Obama was hit in the mouth with an elbow. The last time somebody was hit in the mouth at the White House, Joe Biden was giving a speech.
A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.
A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.
The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...
Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.
Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...
New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.
A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.
England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.
MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.
The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?
A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.
The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.
Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.
A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.
The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...
Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.
Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...
New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.
A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.
England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.
MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.
The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?
A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.
The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.
Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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