Libyan dictator Moammar Qaddafi has been killed. Or Gaddafi. Or Gadhafi. Or Khadafy. Or Ochocinco. I don't know. Point is, the dumbass is dead.
San Francisco is offering a tax break to businesses that hire ex-felons. This is great news for the Cincinnati Bengals.
The price of stamps at the Post Office will go up a penny next year. In other news, e-mail was invented 30 years ago.
Twitter claims there are now 250 Million tweets a day. And five of these are not about how much swag Justin Bieber supposedly has.
A Japanese engineer has taken Pi out to 10 Trillion digits. And guess what ladies! He's single!
A top NFL executive says having no stadium plan could endanger the Minnesota Vikings franchise. I think Donovan McNabb already endangered it enough.
San Diego was recently rated the luckiest town in the United States. I think the Padres will beg to differ.
A report says that women drivers are more at risk for injury in car crashes. Especially when they are the ones driving.
A study says that one in eight parents go online before taking their kids to the ER. The other seven have children that are still alive.
Justin Bieber recently said that his fans are perfect. Then he took a drug test and tested positive for hallucinogens.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Showing posts with label Women. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Women. Show all posts
Friday, October 21, 2011
Friday, September 30, 2011
"Toast Of The Country"
A Washington, DC woman was injured when the toilet she was using in a federal office building exploded. And you thought she was upset when the seat was left up.
FOX News’ Roger Ailes says if he became a liberal, he would be the toast of the country. You know what the difference is between toast and FOX News? People actually like toast.
A study says that 40-62% of all people can’t sing. The other people choose not to audition for American Idol.
Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 Million. Usually, if you want to insure a car, you would get insurance for more than the headlights.
Nissan is developing a car that can read the driver’s mind. I tried this car. All it said was, "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!".
(This one's a thinker)
A study in Kansas City shows that dogs in the classroom cut back on bullying. However, in Philadelphia, it increases bullying towards the dogs.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon! Happy end of September, bitches!
FOX News’ Roger Ailes says if he became a liberal, he would be the toast of the country. You know what the difference is between toast and FOX News? People actually like toast.
A study says that 40-62% of all people can’t sing. The other people choose not to audition for American Idol.
Holly Madison has insured her breasts for $1 Million. Usually, if you want to insure a car, you would get insurance for more than the headlights.
Nissan is developing a car that can read the driver’s mind. I tried this car. All it said was, "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!".
(This one's a thinker)
A study in Kansas City shows that dogs in the classroom cut back on bullying. However, in Philadelphia, it increases bullying towards the dogs.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon! Happy end of September, bitches!
Tuesday, June 14, 2011
"Using The F-Word"
Based on a review of Sarah Palin’s emails, experts say she writes at an eighth grade level. And she has the history knowledge of a mentally retarded fetus.
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.
A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.
A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.
A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Robert Sayegh, a well-known children’s book author, was kicked off a plane for using the f-word. A children's author used the f-word? That's like your life coach getting pulled over for a DUI.
President Obama says if he were Anthony Weiner, he’d resign. And coincidentally, Anthony Weiner says if her were President Obama, he'd resign.
Dallas Mavericks owner Mark Cuban said he would personally pay for the team’s championship parade. Well gosh, I hope this guy can afford it.
A Connecticut company is making an Anthony Weiner doll. And conveniently enough, no clothes come with it.
A study says a wife who isn’t fully rested puts a strain on a marriage. This study was conducted by every single married man on the planet.
A poll says that most women feel good about how they look in a swimsuit. Unfortunately, most of the women that said that don't actually look good in a swimsuit.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 21, 2011
"Junior Lollipops"
Sandra Bullock’s ex-husband Jesse James is engaged to marry “LA Ink” tattoo star Kat Von D. I wonder what would incline a man like Jesse James to marry a person known for tattoos.
A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.
January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.
In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.
A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.
An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.
Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.
Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.
A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A woman who regained her voice through a rare larynx transplant says she never wants to stop talking. Do you know what Americans call a woman who never wants to stop talking? A wife.
January 21st is International Hugging Day. Meanwhile, girls I talk to today are going to celebrate Get The Hell Away From Me Day.
In the FBI’s big Mafia bust, guys named Bobby Glasses, Vinny Carwash, and Junior Lollipops were arrested. Their new names are going to be Nerd, Scrub, and Sucker.
A Swiss collector returned four pre-Columbian mummies to Chile. You know, those weird people who were enclosed in a dark space for an extended period of time. Well, they're getting mummies.
An Arizona restaurant will start offering African lion meat tacos. And for dessert, you can eat Latinos pulled over by Arizona police.
Kobe Bryant is on pace to set a record for most missed field goals in NBA history. He has enough bricks to build a house fit for Kobe Bryant.
Paul the World Cup Oracle Octopus has been memorialized with a plastic statue with its tentacles wrapped around a soccer ball. It also has a vuvuzela lodged in its mouth.
A report says that “Angry Birds” will be made into an animated TV series. Each episode will last four hours long, and for some reason, you can't stop watching.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, January 20, 2011
"Fatty Acids"
The American preacher who once threatened to burn the Koran was barred from entering Britain. No, it's not because of the Koran burnings, but it's because Britain found out that he brushes his teeth.
The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.
Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.
A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.
Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".
Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.
Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.
A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The GOP-controlled house voted to repeal the health care law that was signed last year. To celebrate, they had a tea party.
Researchers found a 9,400-year-old bone fragment from what they believe is the earliest known domesticated dog. This is the oldest dog in history, besides Hugh Hefner.
A study says that vitamin E and fatty acids may ease PMS. In a related story, men's purchases of vitamin E and fatty acids have risen 97%.
Chinese President Hu Jintao refused to respond to initial questions about human rights in a news conference at the White House, blaming technology and translation problems. This is due to the fact that China doesn't have a Chinese word for "human rights".
Hospitals across the country are trying to find ways to cut back on emergency room crowding. They are telling people to not get hurt.
Dick Cheney opened the door to tighter gun restrictions in a recent interview. That's like President Obama asking for a ban on smoking.
A government proposal is calling for nutritional labels to be put on alcoholic beverages. Isn't "contains alcohol" enough?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 7, 2011
"The Season Premiere"
Elizabeth Edwards’ will does not mention her estranged husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards. However, she did mention that she wants John to have one thing of hers: her cancer.
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.
During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".
Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".
On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.
Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.
Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.
Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?
A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.
Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.
Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.
The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.
A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".
The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.
The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.
Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.
A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?
That's all for right now! More later!
Friday, December 24, 2010
"Shorter Life Spans"
Today is Christmas Eve. If you are going to do some last minute shopping, I heard about a great deal. For $1,000, an Ohio State player will give you some great memorabilia.
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange says the U.S. press should fear being targeted by the government. Look Julian, if the government is after anybody, it's you.
A study says that men are less healthy and live shorter life spans than women. This study was conducted by women.
A study says people in a stressful relationship are three times more likely to suffer chest pain. In an unrelated story, Charlie Sheen has had a major heart attack.
The basketball coach of Western Kentucky University paid for several fans' gas money after a poor performance in Nashville. When he heard of this, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis said, "Not gonna happen".
An Oregon couple is suing a doctor for $650,000 to pay for their child that was born after a failed vasectomy. Talk about two ways of not making proper cuts.
That's all for right now! More later!
Wikileaks founder Julian Assange says the U.S. press should fear being targeted by the government. Look Julian, if the government is after anybody, it's you.
A study says that men are less healthy and live shorter life spans than women. This study was conducted by women.
A study says people in a stressful relationship are three times more likely to suffer chest pain. In an unrelated story, Charlie Sheen has had a major heart attack.
The basketball coach of Western Kentucky University paid for several fans' gas money after a poor performance in Nashville. When he heard of this, Cincinnati Bengals head coach Marvin Lewis said, "Not gonna happen".
An Oregon couple is suing a doctor for $650,000 to pay for their child that was born after a failed vasectomy. Talk about two ways of not making proper cuts.
That's all for right now! More later!
Friday, November 26, 2010
"Trapped In Her Bathroom"
Facebook is about to trademark the word “face”. In an unrelated story, I am trademarking the word "fatass".
South Korea’s Defense Minister resigned following North Korea’s surprise artillery attack. He is now working for the Cincinnati Bengals.
Michigan Congressman John Conyers was caught on video reading a Playboy Magazine on an airplane. It turns out, it was just the guide to the TSA.
A French woman was rescued after being trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. Even more stunning: someone put the seat down.
A survey says that 40% of Americans cut back on their Thanksgiving meal. The other 60% are obese.
Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at “Dancing With The Stars”. To be fair, it was a miracle that she made it to finale night.
President Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. It turns out, one of them was John Boehner.
A village in India has banned unmarried women from using cell phones. Of all countries to have a place that bans cell phones from people, it's the country that gives us tech support.
Disney has a new 3-D movie coming out called “Tangled”. It's about those headphones you left in your pocket all day.
AND FINALLY, SOME INTERESTING BALLOONS AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
-The Ricky Martin balloon was not there because it was in the closet
-The TSA balloon rubbed up on all the other balloons
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
South Korea’s Defense Minister resigned following North Korea’s surprise artillery attack. He is now working for the Cincinnati Bengals.
Michigan Congressman John Conyers was caught on video reading a Playboy Magazine on an airplane. It turns out, it was just the guide to the TSA.
A French woman was rescued after being trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. Even more stunning: someone put the seat down.
A survey says that 40% of Americans cut back on their Thanksgiving meal. The other 60% are obese.
Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at “Dancing With The Stars”. To be fair, it was a miracle that she made it to finale night.
President Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. It turns out, one of them was John Boehner.
A village in India has banned unmarried women from using cell phones. Of all countries to have a place that bans cell phones from people, it's the country that gives us tech support.
Disney has a new 3-D movie coming out called “Tangled”. It's about those headphones you left in your pocket all day.
AND FINALLY, SOME INTERESTING BALLOONS AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
-The Ricky Martin balloon was not there because it was in the closet
-The TSA balloon rubbed up on all the other balloons
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, October 9, 2010
"More Privacy"
California scientists reportedly over calculated pollution levels by 340%. Apparently they spent too much time in Lindsay Lohan's house.
CBS is reportedly ready to let Katie Couric go, and the word is she may end up at CNN. CNN's new slogan: We take the crap that nobody else wants.
China could become the second wealthiest nation in the world by 2015. In response, China said, "None of this could have been possible without the children".
Software is being developed that can slim actors down on screen. Don't we already have that? It's called "anorexia".
Eminem says he doesn’t allow profanity in his home. That's like Lindsay Lohan having an alcohol-free refrigerator.
A study says that men sweat more than women. Mainly because women don't want to get that hot new shirt dirty.
Both parents and teens want more privacy online, according to a survey. "Not gonna happen", said Facebook.
The most popular Halloween costume this year is the cast of “Jersey Shore”. Hey, at least when you dress like Jersey Shore, you can keep the orange theme of Halloween.
A study is linking eating disorders to self-injury. Especially when the doctor tells you that you have an eating disorder.
Anderson Cooper says he is shocked that a movie trailer is using the phrase “That’s so gay.” Especially since it isn't Glee.
Research shows that 7% of all babies in the U.S. have their own e-mail address. Thanks a lot, E-Trade.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
CBS is reportedly ready to let Katie Couric go, and the word is she may end up at CNN. CNN's new slogan: We take the crap that nobody else wants.
China could become the second wealthiest nation in the world by 2015. In response, China said, "None of this could have been possible without the children".
Software is being developed that can slim actors down on screen. Don't we already have that? It's called "anorexia".
Eminem says he doesn’t allow profanity in his home. That's like Lindsay Lohan having an alcohol-free refrigerator.
A study says that men sweat more than women. Mainly because women don't want to get that hot new shirt dirty.
Both parents and teens want more privacy online, according to a survey. "Not gonna happen", said Facebook.
The most popular Halloween costume this year is the cast of “Jersey Shore”. Hey, at least when you dress like Jersey Shore, you can keep the orange theme of Halloween.
A study is linking eating disorders to self-injury. Especially when the doctor tells you that you have an eating disorder.
Anderson Cooper says he is shocked that a movie trailer is using the phrase “That’s so gay.” Especially since it isn't Glee.
Research shows that 7% of all babies in the U.S. have their own e-mail address. Thanks a lot, E-Trade.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
"A Lindsay Lohan Wannabe"
Joke of the Day: A survey says that 60% of Americans are satisfied with the way they look. The other 40% of people are known as "women".
Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.
Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".
Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.
Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.
Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.
Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.
Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.
A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".
Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".
A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.
Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.
NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.
Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".
Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.
Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.
Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.
Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.
Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.
A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".
Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".
A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.
Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.
NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
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