Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. Considering the flirtatious nature of butt slaps, the judge charged OBJ with assault and flattery.
NBA star Derrick Rose was fined $25k for throwing a pen in the stands during a game. Coincidentally enough, a flying pen was the cause of Derrick Rose's last shattered kneecap.
Browns WR Odell Beckham Jr. has a warrant out for his arrest after he slapped a police officer on the butt. This is a strange change of pace, as the Browns are usually the ones getting spanked.
A college professor at Drexel was caught spending $185,000 on strippers, sports bars, and iTunes. It's incredibly disappointing, as that amount of money could've gone towards purchasing two college textbooks.
Kellyanne Conway says that Martin Luther King Jr. would have disapproved of Donald Trump's impeachment. Coincidentally enough, most Americans disapprove of Kellyanne Conway getting any opportunity to talk.
Rapper B.o.B has come forward as a flat earther. This is not a surprising view for him, considering how hard he fell off of the map.
A Cleveland police officer who urinated on a girl as she waited for the bus is being sentenced to four and a half years in prison. The worst part is, because of this sentence, he won’t be able to receive his “Cleveland Police Officer Of The Year” award in person.
Kim Kardashian says she first heard the suggestion for the name North West as a joke on the Tonight Show. Getting name suggestions from jokes from the Tonight Show was cute for North, but not so much for her other son, ImTellingYouTheEconomyIsReallyBad.
Seattle is the first city in the U.S. to allow voting by smartphone. The hard part of this voting tactic will be collecting their "I voted" sticker while driving.
Brett Favre says he sees some of his own traits in Kansas City Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes. In a related story, all the Chiefs’ sideline reporters have blocked Patrick Mahomes’ phone number.
A man who impersonated a doctor in order to persuade women and girls to electrocute themselves for his own sexual gratification has been jailed for 11 years. The man allegedly showed no remorse in court, as he began to masturbate while the judge was announcing the (ahem...) charges.
Billie Eilish says she made her Grammy winning album in her bedroom at her parents house. Which makes sense, considering she sings like her parents are asleep in the next room over.
A girl on the Bachelor went to a private concert for a date of Chase Rice, who was an ex boyfriend of hers. I actually find it nice that they had her past ex-boyfriend play music for her future ex-boyfriend.
Prince Andrew reportedly is offering zero cooperation in the Jeffrey Epstein probe. This marks the first time that someone not cooperating with a Jeffrey Epstein probe was an adult.
A study says lowering the speed limit is ineffective in reducing wildlife vehicle collisions. They plan to take it a step further: teaching the wildlife not to text and drive.
The Panthers have released TE Greg Olsen. And per tradition, he was released onto a bench after having his arm around two trainers.
Well, that's all I have for January! I've maintained my goal to write one monologue joke per day. Are they all funny? That's for you to decide. More coming mid-February!
Showing posts with label The Bachelor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label The Bachelor. Show all posts
Friday, January 31, 2020
Wednesday, January 15, 2020
"Quite the Snatch"
A new vaccine is being developed to fight Alzheimer’s disease, and could be on the market soon after successful tests on mice. After the tests on mice brains, they plan to test the vaccine on people with equally sized brains: anti-vaxxers.
Dr. Phil is selling his Beverly Hills home for $5.75 million dollars, and the home includes a staircase that’s covered in metallic snakes. Man, if Dr. Phil wanted to decorate his staircase with things that hiss loudly and scare anyone that comes near it, he should’ve just decorated it with pictures of himself.
Allee Willis, who co-wrote the theme song for Friends, has died at the age of 72. After her funeral, the cast of the show will gather by a fountain and give her a four-clap salute.
The Houston Texans defeated the Buffalo Bills 22-19 in overtime in the first round of the playoffs. After the game winning field goal, a jubilant Will Fuller engaged in a celebration where he jumped up and down, during which he tore both of his ACLs.
A National Security Analyst referred to Donald Trump's threatening tweets regarding retaliation against Iran as "preschool-level deterrence". This is due to him blaming his decision to strike Iran on Dopey Dora the Explorer and Crooked Elmo.
A report says some men sleep with their long distance girlfriends over video chat to keep them company. Though the hardest part of this for the men is making sure the camera shot doesn't show the other girl in their beds.
An Instagram model sold nude pictures to anyone who donated at least $10 to the relief efforts of the Australian wildfires. Not to be outdone, the bunnies in the Playboy Mansion just released a rendition of “We Are The World”.
Amazon mistakenly shipped a man a waffle iron with an old waffle still inside. If anything, I'm just glad they didn't ship him a coffin.
A report says that electronic scooter injuries have jumped 222% in the last four years. Upon hearing the news from the researchers, angry scooter riders who want to continue their hobby put up their middle fingers at them, which wasn't the only time that they had flipped a Bird.
The Ohio medical marijuana board is considering making “being a Bengals fan” a qualifying condition for obtaining medical marijuana. The best part of this is, if it’s accepted, the cashier at each dispensary will put the marijuana products in paper bags, and follow that up by cutting eye holes in the bags so Bengals fans can wear them to games.
Gwyneth Paltrow released a vagina-scented candle that sold out in stores almost immediately. Man, it must have been quite the snatch.
The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Houston Texans 51-31 in their playoff matchup. The Texans defense got torn up so badly, I almost mistook it for Will Fuller’s ACL.
January 13th's TV options included the NCAA football national championship and the Bachelor. It was an epic night of TV that featured a bunch of people pursuing the same dude, and the Bachelor.
Former President George W. Bush once allegedly described rapper Eminem as “The biggest threat to American youth since polio”. And if polio was still a thing, it would make it impossible for the real Slim Shady to stand up.
NASA says smoke from the Australia bush fires will travel around the world. This is unique, as people finally get to see a disaster go on a world tour without having to purchase a ticket that says "Limp Bizkit" on it.
Well, that's part one of 24 of my yearly project to write a monologue joke every single day. I enjoy this exercise, as it takes me back to my roots of being a comedian. I've had this blog for over ten years now, and I feel like some people would be shocked and/or concerned to hear the fact that I still run this SOB. But yes. I've managed to write a joke every day so far this year. It keeps my comedy brain active, and I'm glad it does, as I want to improve on writing and being a better punchline guy. Thanks for tolerating my BS, and I'll see you at the end of the month!
Dr. Phil is selling his Beverly Hills home for $5.75 million dollars, and the home includes a staircase that’s covered in metallic snakes. Man, if Dr. Phil wanted to decorate his staircase with things that hiss loudly and scare anyone that comes near it, he should’ve just decorated it with pictures of himself.
Allee Willis, who co-wrote the theme song for Friends, has died at the age of 72. After her funeral, the cast of the show will gather by a fountain and give her a four-clap salute.
The Houston Texans defeated the Buffalo Bills 22-19 in overtime in the first round of the playoffs. After the game winning field goal, a jubilant Will Fuller engaged in a celebration where he jumped up and down, during which he tore both of his ACLs.
A National Security Analyst referred to Donald Trump's threatening tweets regarding retaliation against Iran as "preschool-level deterrence". This is due to him blaming his decision to strike Iran on Dopey Dora the Explorer and Crooked Elmo.
A report says some men sleep with their long distance girlfriends over video chat to keep them company. Though the hardest part of this for the men is making sure the camera shot doesn't show the other girl in their beds.
An Instagram model sold nude pictures to anyone who donated at least $10 to the relief efforts of the Australian wildfires. Not to be outdone, the bunnies in the Playboy Mansion just released a rendition of “We Are The World”.
Amazon mistakenly shipped a man a waffle iron with an old waffle still inside. If anything, I'm just glad they didn't ship him a coffin.
A report says that electronic scooter injuries have jumped 222% in the last four years. Upon hearing the news from the researchers, angry scooter riders who want to continue their hobby put up their middle fingers at them, which wasn't the only time that they had flipped a Bird.
The Ohio medical marijuana board is considering making “being a Bengals fan” a qualifying condition for obtaining medical marijuana. The best part of this is, if it’s accepted, the cashier at each dispensary will put the marijuana products in paper bags, and follow that up by cutting eye holes in the bags so Bengals fans can wear them to games.
Gwyneth Paltrow released a vagina-scented candle that sold out in stores almost immediately. Man, it must have been quite the snatch.
The Kansas City Chiefs defeated the Houston Texans 51-31 in their playoff matchup. The Texans defense got torn up so badly, I almost mistook it for Will Fuller’s ACL.
January 13th's TV options included the NCAA football national championship and the Bachelor. It was an epic night of TV that featured a bunch of people pursuing the same dude, and the Bachelor.
Former President George W. Bush once allegedly described rapper Eminem as “The biggest threat to American youth since polio”. And if polio was still a thing, it would make it impossible for the real Slim Shady to stand up.
NASA says smoke from the Australia bush fires will travel around the world. This is unique, as people finally get to see a disaster go on a world tour without having to purchase a ticket that says "Limp Bizkit" on it.
Well, that's part one of 24 of my yearly project to write a monologue joke every single day. I enjoy this exercise, as it takes me back to my roots of being a comedian. I've had this blog for over ten years now, and I feel like some people would be shocked and/or concerned to hear the fact that I still run this SOB. But yes. I've managed to write a joke every day so far this year. It keeps my comedy brain active, and I'm glad it does, as I want to improve on writing and being a better punchline guy. Thanks for tolerating my BS, and I'll see you at the end of the month!
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
"Abducted By Aliens"
Tuesday is International Goof-Off Day. I plan to celebrate by doing nothing.
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission says US nuclear reactors are safe. Unfortunately, they said that in Japan, too.
Rocker Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. Of course, it was a misunderstanding. He tried to say that he was the singer for Van Halen.
The star of ABC’s “The Bachelor”, Brad Womack, was rushed to a Texas hospital. Please tell me that they're going to put him to sleep.
A San Antonio man fired shots at a Taco Bell because the price of its Beefy Crunch Tacos rose from 99 cents to $1.49. And you thought the speeding bullet at Taco Bell was the food going through your digestive system.
A 400 pound Sumo wrestler finished the L.A. Marathon in 9 hours. I knew he was coming when I saw the trail of sweat on the ground.
CBS reportedly wants Charlie Sheen to come back to “Two and a Half Men”. CBS now stands for "Complete Bull Shit".
A survey by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation says the wealthiest people are concerned about being ungrateful, having bratty children and failing to meet expectations. So, like Charlie Sheen.
A study shows that more men are undergoing plastic surgery. When they are finished, the doctors say, "He/she looks fantastic".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The Nuclear Regulatory Commission says US nuclear reactors are safe. Unfortunately, they said that in Japan, too.
Rocker Sammy Hagar says he was abducted by aliens. Of course, it was a misunderstanding. He tried to say that he was the singer for Van Halen.
The star of ABC’s “The Bachelor”, Brad Womack, was rushed to a Texas hospital. Please tell me that they're going to put him to sleep.
A San Antonio man fired shots at a Taco Bell because the price of its Beefy Crunch Tacos rose from 99 cents to $1.49. And you thought the speeding bullet at Taco Bell was the food going through your digestive system.
A 400 pound Sumo wrestler finished the L.A. Marathon in 9 hours. I knew he was coming when I saw the trail of sweat on the ground.
CBS reportedly wants Charlie Sheen to come back to “Two and a Half Men”. CBS now stands for "Complete Bull Shit".
A survey by the Bill and Melinda Gates Foundation says the wealthiest people are concerned about being ungrateful, having bratty children and failing to meet expectations. So, like Charlie Sheen.
A study shows that more men are undergoing plastic surgery. When they are finished, the doctors say, "He/she looks fantastic".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 17, 2011
"Trying To Lure"
The woman who was the first trainer for the Obama’s dog Bo has died. Her casket will lie in state on the White House's front lawn.
Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.
In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.
The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.
The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.
A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".
The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Auburn’s BCS National Championship Trophy will be on display at Wal-Mart stores in Alabama and Georgia. I didn't know NCAA football has become this white trash.
In May, Starbucks will introduce its largest cup size, the 31-ounce "Trenta". And you thought the prices were outrageous before.
The LA Clippers defeated the LA Lakers in a game that featured four late-game ejections. And if you thought that was interesting, the Jumbotron showed pictures of hell freezing over.
The Canadian Open is trying to lure Tiger Woods to play by having people tweet him messages. They are just hoping that Tiger doesn't see the double meaning.
A reality show based on the video game Pac-Man is in the works. However, Americans figured that if they wanted to see a beautiful girl get eaten by ghosts, they could just watch "The Bachelorette".
The Washington man who went on a two month potato only diet, Chris Voigt, has been named the National Potato Council’s Potato Man of the Year. His mother must be so proud.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
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