"Get That Out Of Your Mouth"

Washington Wizards C Jason Collins came out as gay. Finally, a gay man in Washington that isn't a closeted Republican senator.

Chris Brown says that he's praying for Justin Bieber. Because if God is listening to anybody, he's listening to Chris Brown.

A high school in Arizona had a spirit event called "Redneck Day". I think some people took it too far, like the one black kid who came in with a rope around his neck.

A recent Dancing With The Stars theme was Prom Night, which made sense because I asked a pretty girl to watch it with me and she said no.

Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated in Germany. So the crazy baboon with the annoying screech had his monkey confiscated in Germany.

Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".

Lil' Wayne is expected to make a full recovery after being in a coma. "That's too bad," said literally half of the Internet.

An increasing number of dogs are ingesting pot. I think my dog got some, too. I recently told my dog to "speak" and he said "Whatever, bro."

In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.

Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. They wouldn't need to digitally make people fat if they knew how badly I needed money.

A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. The other two use other methods of technology to ignore my jokes.

The NSA has reportedly been spying on people's text messages. If that were true, then all the government knows about me is I only have three friends, and two of them are my parents.

Michael Douglas claims that his throat was caused by him performing oral sex on multiple women. This is fantastic news for my throat.

A preschool in California was recently shut down because some of the students were caught having sex with each other. Remember the good ol' days of preschool when "Get that out of your mouth" meant a bottle of glue, building blocks, your thumb...

That's all for now. I really gotta do this shit more often. As I'm pretty sure I went on in my last post about, topical writing is how I got into comedy. If it wasn't for comedy, I wouldn't be the jackass I am today (I mean that in both a good and a bad way). It's amazing to think about these past four years (one of which has been behind the mic). I've met people I never thought I'd meet. I've gained friends, and I've lost friends. I've been to incredible places (shitty open mics), and I'll go to even more incredible places (even shittier open mics). It's all been amazing, and I don't regret anything. "But Schubs, what about that joke you shouldn't have made about that one thing?" Fuck off, person I made up that would say the same thing as a lot of people. I don't think of those as things I should regret. I look at those as learning experiences, and I'm harder, better, faster, stronger, and funnier for it. Also, a message to people who don't want to see my standup because they don't think my online jokes are funny: you have no idea what my standup is like. You could probably guess what I talk about within a few tries, but you never know until you see it. In these next few months (I'm dead fucking serious about this), I'm gonna try and get some people to vouch for me. I have pretty much an entire community of people who don't believe in what I do or that I can do it. I need some people to say "Hey this motherfucker isn't bad." And I don't think I am. Anyway, sorry for the rant, and thx 4 reedn.

'Safe For Women"

Bill O’Reilly says he’s concerned about House Speaker John Boehner’s emotional stability. He also announced that he's concerned with Charlie Sheen's drug problem.

An Idaho woman pleaded guilty to squirting a variety of condiments into library book drops. Due to her guilty plea, she mayo may not get prison time.

A survey says that trust in U.S. business and government has steeply declined through the recession. Who would ever distrust our government?

Zdeno Chara of the Boston Bruins set a record for the fastest hockey slap shot at 105.9 MPH. It went faster than a Larry King marriage.

An Alaska woman was charged with child abuse after she appeared on “Dr. Phil” and was shown forcing her son to drink hot sauce and take cold showers. However, Sarah Palin does have great remorse.

Egypt has shut down the Internet and Twitter to stop rioting around the country. Yeah, that'll calm them down.

Jonathan Knight of New Kids on the Block has admitted that he is gay. I'm shocked. How could a member of a boy band possibly be gay?

The cross-eyed possum from Germany is on a diet. How does it know what it's eating?

There are reports saying that there will be a lot of child sex trafficking in Dallas during the Super Bowl. And you thought the ads were creepy before.

A man in France says that the drug Glaxo made him a "gay sex addict". No wonder the number one site on his internet history is Craigslist.

A new study says that sex during pregnancy is safe for women. Try telling that to the baby in the bouncing stomach.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Lifeless Man"

Joke of the Day: Next week is "Idol Gives Back", where American Idol donates food and money to the needy. Or, as Taylor Hicks calls it, "Payday".

According to court records, 76-year-old CNN talk show host Larry King filed for divorce from his 7th wife. He was apparently influenced by his childhood friend, King Henry VIII.

British researchers say they are close to developing a type of “Viagra for women”, which would help with female sexual arousal. The pill is apparently called, "Make your husband look like George Clooney".

A study says that children as young as 21 months of age care if people try to help them. Which means that Justin Bieber won't be taking advice anytime soon.

A study says that television networks have snubbed and maligned the Tea Party. That's because when 7-year olds think that the Tea Party means something totally different.

New York City carriage horses have been ordered by city council to be given larger stalls, more vacation time and blankets in cold weather. Los Angeles has done the same thing. With Oprah Winfrey.

A dead man has been elected mayor of Tracy City, Tenn. A lifeless man is now a politician. Welcome back, Al Gore!

Britain is closing its airspace after a huge volcano began to erupt in Iceland. Nothing says "irony" like a volcanic eruption in a place called "Iceland".

New York City plans to stop paying teachers who do nothing. They figure they lose enough money when they pay the President for doing nothing.

Authorities said a man who escaped from the back of a police car in New Jersey tried to gnaw off his fingerprints. On the plus side, the police station was able to save money on fingerprint ink.

An Erie County judge has thrown out a lawsuit filed by the guardian of a 12-year-old girl who claimed the girl was burned and traumatized when a convenience store clerk allegedly aimed a hand-held price scanner at her face. Then, things got really interesting when the scanner beeped.

Two Chinese singers have become the first people in the country to fall foul of new rules banning lip-syncing. At the scene, authorities said, "You have the right to remain silent, Miss Spears..."

Israel has banned imports of the iPad, citing concerns the powerful gadget's wireless signals could disrupt other devices. America should do the same with the iPad because it disrupts other devices. Like cars.

Children who engage in creative and active play may grow up to be healthier adults, suggests a British study. Apparently the Britains dug up a time capsule with the study included in it.

For children at higher-than-average risk of asthma, having a dog around the house may increase the chances of developing the lung disease, a new study suggests. Man, I didn't know that when a dog pants, that means he's having an asthma attack.

That's it for now! More later!

"He Won't Allow Heckling"

Former career home run king Hank Aaron says Mark McGwire should have a clear conscience after his recent admission he used performance-enhancing drugs as a player. To which Hank also said, "If only Barry Bonds could only do the same."

Goshen College in Indiana is lifting a 116 year old ban on playing the National Anthem at school events. This would definitely be significant news if anyone knew who they were.

A poll says that Canada rates as the favorite country of Americans, with Iran the least liked. When hearing of this, Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said, "We will do the best we can to keep that ranking".

Israel has introduced a fleet of pilotless drones that can remain in the air for an entire day. America already has that. We call it "Northwest Airlines".

Cliff High School students studying World War I history saw a few seconds of pornography during viewing of a video about the 1919 Treaty of Versailles. Students were baffled when this happened. They asked, "Why did 1919 suddenly change to 6969?"

The Dalai Lama says that he had never heard of Tiger Woods. When someone told him who Tiger Woods was, he was confused. "I remember now, but doesn't he play golf too?"

The New York Times says that millions of Americans face going years without a job. Workers there were frightened. The article was entitled "Our budget cuts".

Tiger Woods' caddy Steve Williams says he won't allow any heckling when Woods returns to tournament play. He also said that he would try to keep the crowd in line.

A study says that overweight children are more likely to become depressed. That same study has found that the chairs of overweight people have an increased risk of suicide.

Major League Baseball has added 12 performance enhancing drugs and 30 stimulants to its "banned" list. At this rate, by 2011, Gatorade will have been banned.

Baseball players who have gone to arbitration this year averaged a 121% raise. Apparently, "arbitration" is a synonym of "government".

That's it for now! More soon.