January 4 is World Hypnotism Day. Today, for some reason, I have been getting very sleepy.
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Celebrities. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Celebrities. Show all posts
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
"The Creepy Line"
What's the difference between Charlie Sheen's wife and baseballs pitched to the Cincinnati Reds? Charlie Sheen's wife actually gets hit.
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.
Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.
The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.
The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?
Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.
Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?
A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".
A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.
A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.
An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.
A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?
The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.
A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?
A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".
A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.
Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.
The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.
The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?
Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.
Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?
A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".
A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.
A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.
An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.
A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?
The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.
A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?
A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".
A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, September 27, 2010
"A Huge Fireball"
Congressman Hoyer says Stephen Colbert’s humorous testimony before a congressional committee was “inappropriate” and “an embarrassment”. You know, kind of like Congress.
Hyundai is recalling 140,000 of its 2011 Sonata sedans sold in the US because of a steering problem. Talk about a turn in the wrong direction.
Actress Lindsay Lohan was freed from jail Friday, just hours after being sent there by a judge. All she had to do was tell a judge, "I'm a celebrity, I only have to serve 1% of my sentence".
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville got married. After the couple gave their vows, the priest said, "I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now shoot the groom in the nuts".
A huge fireball was seen in the skies over Texas. Of course, since it was a ball in Texas, it slipped right through the Longhorns' secondary.
Fifteen Chrysler workers were caught drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana on their lunch break. This must explain the quality of their cars.
A study says that one in nine teens use sunless tanning products. The other 8 teens don't live near a beach.
A study says that Neanderthals were smarter than they were given credit for. I agree. One of them used to host a talk show on CNN.
The Octomom held a yard sale to try to raise money at which she was auctioning off a nursing bra and bikini. Good luck trying to get people to feel sorry for you, Octomom.
A postal worker in Pennsylvania has been given probation after stashing more than 12,000 pieces of mail. Wait, who still gets mail?
Hollywood experts say that Lindsay Lohan could take ten years to revive her career. What career?
Cincinnati pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw the fastest pitch ever clocked at a Major League game at 105 mph. It disappeared faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
BP says that its company had limitations. On how much work they could do during the oil spill.
That's all for today! The magic number for the Reds is 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I hope we clinch tomorrow because I'm going to the game then! It'll be nice to see the Reds clinch then. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Hyundai is recalling 140,000 of its 2011 Sonata sedans sold in the US because of a steering problem. Talk about a turn in the wrong direction.
Actress Lindsay Lohan was freed from jail Friday, just hours after being sent there by a judge. All she had to do was tell a judge, "I'm a celebrity, I only have to serve 1% of my sentence".
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville got married. After the couple gave their vows, the priest said, "I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now shoot the groom in the nuts".
A huge fireball was seen in the skies over Texas. Of course, since it was a ball in Texas, it slipped right through the Longhorns' secondary.
Fifteen Chrysler workers were caught drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana on their lunch break. This must explain the quality of their cars.
A study says that one in nine teens use sunless tanning products. The other 8 teens don't live near a beach.
A study says that Neanderthals were smarter than they were given credit for. I agree. One of them used to host a talk show on CNN.
The Octomom held a yard sale to try to raise money at which she was auctioning off a nursing bra and bikini. Good luck trying to get people to feel sorry for you, Octomom.
A postal worker in Pennsylvania has been given probation after stashing more than 12,000 pieces of mail. Wait, who still gets mail?
Hollywood experts say that Lindsay Lohan could take ten years to revive her career. What career?
Cincinnati pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw the fastest pitch ever clocked at a Major League game at 105 mph. It disappeared faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
BP says that its company had limitations. On how much work they could do during the oil spill.
That's all for today! The magic number for the Reds is 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I hope we clinch tomorrow because I'm going to the game then! It'll be nice to see the Reds clinch then. Anyway, more tomorrow!
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