Joke of the Day: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.
Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.
In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.
A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?
Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.
All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.
Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.
A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.
An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".
Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".
A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.
Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.
Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".
FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.
Showing posts with label Naomi Campbell. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Naomi Campbell. Show all posts
Friday, April 23, 2010
Friday, March 19, 2010
"Planning to Reinvent Itself"
Conan O’Brien is reportedly talking with the Fox network about a new talk show. Thankfully, there will not be a time slot issue with Fox. Wanda Sykes works weekends.
A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".
Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".
A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.
A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.
The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.
An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.
AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.
A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".
Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.
The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?
A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.
In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.
A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.
A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.
Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.
Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.
Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.
A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".
Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".
A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.
A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.
The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.
An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.
AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.
A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".
Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.
The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?
A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.
In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.
A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.
A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.
Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.
Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.
Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.
Monday, March 15, 2010
"Working Weekends"
An investigation says that New York City taxi drivers overcharged customers by $8.3 Million over the last two years. Here's my question: Where's Naomi Campbell when we need her the most?
Phil Spector is appealing his murder conviction. However, he is being accused with killing nine hairstyles; one for every time he appeared in court.
The opera "Anna Nicole" will open in London next February. This is being described as the one opera that husbands drag their wives to.
Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had a public spat during a charity tennis tournament. Strangely enough, they were fighting over who had the shortest shorts.
President Obama outlined steps to double exports. Here's an idea: How about we don't talk about China.
Bob Barker has donated $2.5 Million to PETA. In addition, he also donated a living room group, a dinette set, and a new car.
Daylight Saving Time began Sunday morning, and Americans lost an hour. Or, as the ladies from "The View" call it, "Working weekends".
“Alice In Wonderland” remained the number 1 film at the box office last weekend, pulling in $62 million. When hearing that "Alice In Wonderland" pulled in all this money, President Obama called their producer and asked, "What's your secret".
I was watching an old documentary on Vietnam, and the reporters mentioned that our government was wasting hundreds of millions of dollars on something that didn't work. Nowadays, we call them "New York Mets".
TV host Harry Smith completed a colonoscopy live on CBS’s “The Early Show” on Wednesday morning. And you thought Harry Smith had a bunch of crap come out of his mouth...
Chad Ochocinco announced that he is coming out with a new line of cologne for men called "Kiss Da Baby", and he also has a line of perfume for women called "Pay A Bill". I, too, came out with a line of cologne for Ochocinco. It's called "Shut the Mouth".
Twenty-five years ago on this date, the first company registered a Web address with the now prolific .com extension. I went to the website to see what was on it, but I wasn't able to see it. It was a picture website and I had to be 18 to enter.
Peter Graves of "Mission: Impossible" has died at the age of 83. He collapsed after having brunch with his family. So his last meal was either Denny's, IHOP, or Bob Evans.
Paula Abdul is likely going to host and judge the revival of "Star Search". Because if anybody is the mascot for a TV show like "Star Search", it's Paula Abdul.
That's it for now. More tomorrow!
Phil Spector is appealing his murder conviction. However, he is being accused with killing nine hairstyles; one for every time he appeared in court.
The opera "Anna Nicole" will open in London next February. This is being described as the one opera that husbands drag their wives to.
Andre Agassi and Pete Sampras had a public spat during a charity tennis tournament. Strangely enough, they were fighting over who had the shortest shorts.
President Obama outlined steps to double exports. Here's an idea: How about we don't talk about China.
Bob Barker has donated $2.5 Million to PETA. In addition, he also donated a living room group, a dinette set, and a new car.
Daylight Saving Time began Sunday morning, and Americans lost an hour. Or, as the ladies from "The View" call it, "Working weekends".
“Alice In Wonderland” remained the number 1 film at the box office last weekend, pulling in $62 million. When hearing that "Alice In Wonderland" pulled in all this money, President Obama called their producer and asked, "What's your secret".
I was watching an old documentary on Vietnam, and the reporters mentioned that our government was wasting hundreds of millions of dollars on something that didn't work. Nowadays, we call them "New York Mets".
TV host Harry Smith completed a colonoscopy live on CBS’s “The Early Show” on Wednesday morning. And you thought Harry Smith had a bunch of crap come out of his mouth...
Chad Ochocinco announced that he is coming out with a new line of cologne for men called "Kiss Da Baby", and he also has a line of perfume for women called "Pay A Bill". I, too, came out with a line of cologne for Ochocinco. It's called "Shut the Mouth".
Twenty-five years ago on this date, the first company registered a Web address with the now prolific .com extension. I went to the website to see what was on it, but I wasn't able to see it. It was a picture website and I had to be 18 to enter.
Peter Graves of "Mission: Impossible" has died at the age of 83. He collapsed after having brunch with his family. So his last meal was either Denny's, IHOP, or Bob Evans.
Paula Abdul is likely going to host and judge the revival of "Star Search". Because if anybody is the mascot for a TV show like "Star Search", it's Paula Abdul.
That's it for now. More tomorrow!
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