"A Pepperoni Swastika"

Dwayne Johnson has tested positive for COVID-19. Due to his positive COVID-19 diagnosis, Dwayne Johnson can no longer smell what the rock is cookin'.

Donald Trump has said he'll ban TikTok. It's the first time he's ever disapproved of videos of teenage girls.

A Little Caesars in Ohio delivered a pizza with a pepperoni swastika. It was the craziest way to find out that Little Caesars had a delivery option.

Comedian Chris D'Elia has come under fire for texting and sexting underage girls. Considering his unkempt look, this underage sex scandal is the first time I've ever heard of Chris D'Elia doing any grooming.

Reggie Bush came out against paying college athletes. In a related story, "That's like this guy being against this thing" jokes have increased by 86,000%.

The Patriots drafted kicker Justin Rohrwasser, who had white supremacy tattoos on his arm. This was a poor decision by the Patriots, as all his kicks will end up going far-right.

The NFL Draft will be held virtually and in quarantine due to coronavirus. To make him feel like he's actually at the NFL Draft, Roger Goodell will have his family boo him while he announces picks.

Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.

The Library of Congress honored The Village People. It marked the first time in history that Washington DC has ever done something nice for a Native American.

That's all I have for now! This is a three part post, so more coming soon.  

"Haaave Mercyyyy"

The LA Lakers honored Kobe Bryant's career with a 24.2-second moment of silence. Thankfully, their previous plans to honor his scoring ability with a 33,643-second moment of silence were scrapped at the last minute.

Jennifer Lopez delivered a Super Bowl halftime performance that included a stripper pole. Parents all across America had to explain to their kids what a stripper pole is immediately after they had to explain to their kids who Jennifer Lopez is.

Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was named Super Bowl MVP. He will now take the reins as the next great NFL QB that America will get sick of in 5 years.

The Kansas City Super Bowl celebration could be seen on weather radar. Not to be outdone, Tyreek Hill’s wife’s cries for help can be heard from outer space.

The Vatican responded to the coronavirus outbreak by giving China hundreds of thousands of masks. I trust these masks a lot, because if there’s one thing the Catholic church is good at, it’s covering things up.

A 68 year old Florida woman tased her 73 year old husband when he asked for a separation. The man then added insult to injury by saying that being tased was the first time in 30 years that he had felt anything in their marriage.

Barnes and Noble is being criticized for their "diverse" book campaign for Black History Month which portrays classic book characters as African American. Even worse, they changed one of the book titles to "Lil' Romeo and Juliet".

A town in Finland will give a free gym membership to anyone over 65. The gym is called “Curves: Spinal Cord Edition”.

The Oscars were this Sunday. It was the day this year that all around comedic geniuses logged onto their Twitter accounts and said, “Cats was snubbed for Best Picture!”

Charles Barkley called the Philadelphia 76ers “the Cleveland Browns of the NBA” This is because every time Joel Embiid tries to pass the ball to one of his teammates, the other team ends up getting six points.

An ex-Satanist says he went to hell and then converted to Christianity. In a related story, Christians have been offering Satanists tickets to Alex Schubert's comedy shows.

The NFL has reinstated Browns DE Myles Garrett. Fittingly, Roger Goodell hit the reinstatement button with Mason Rudolph’s helmet.

Donald Trump will attend the Daytona 500. It’s not that he’s a NASCAR fan, it’s that he figured he’d go to an event that pretty much doubles as a Trump rally.

The Houston Astros organization and players made a formal apology for the sign stealing scandal. As a part of their apology, they have also sent a large monetary donation to the Anti-Domestic Violence Against Trash Cans Association of America.

The “Full House” house in San Francisco is up for sale for almost $6 million. One potential buyer is looking to buy it for $5 million. Though the real estate agent won’t budge on the $6 million price tag, the buyer hopes that the agent will haaave mercyyyy.

That's all I have for right now. In doing this one monologue joke per day process, I've forgotten how laborious it is. I set myself to a high standard and want each and every joke to be a really, really funny one, and sometimes, it's taken up to an hour to think of a single punchline for a joke. But like I always say, it's a labor of love. And I'm glad I've refocused myself towards comedy and being the best comedian and person I can be. It ain't easy, but that's the name of the game, baby.

More jokes coming at the end of the month!

"Chasing His Own Tailpipe"

Merriam-Webster chose the pronoun "they" as their word of the year. This is great, because now, bigots would say "I'm never reading a Merriam-Webster dictionary again!" as if they even read dictionaries to begin with.

Rapper Tekashi 6ix9ine has pleaded guilty to racketeering charges. As a result, he has been sentenced to 2wo years in federal prison.

In light of his suspension for gambling on football, it was discovered that Cardinals DB Josh Shaw had bet against his own team. Coincidentally enough, I bet against his ankles while he was "jumping off a roof to save his nephew's life".

A dog in Florida recently drove a car around in reverse in a circle for almost an hour. Authorities believe it was because he was chasing his own tailpipe.

Cleveland Browns DE Myles Garrett was suspended for the rest of the 2019 NFL season after hitting Steelers QB Mason Rudolph in the head with Rudolph's own helmet. It's wild that Myles Garrett will be suspended longer for hitting Mason Rudolph than he would've been if he hit his own girlfriend.

Patriots WR Antonio Brown practiced with the Patriots despite all the sexual assault allegations against him. In light of the news that he'd practice, the trainers all got together and prayed that he'd stay healthy.

Indianapolis Colts QB Andrew Luck retired suddenly from NFL and walked off into the sunset. He then pulled his hamstring during the walk.

In a week in August, Shawn Mendes celebrated his birthday and Jeffrey Epstein committed suicide. So if you're a 15 year old girl, chances are, you had a pretty good week.

New York Mets GM Brodie Van Wagenen reportedly threw a chair during a meeting with coaches. And in true Mets fashion, the chair missed the cutoff man.

Rapper Lil Nas X recently came out of the closet. This means that now, in a surprising turn of events, Billy Ray Cyrus is now the least gay part of Old Town Road.

There was a Straight Pride Parade held in Boston this summer. It's actually better known as the "Don't-Tell-Anyone-We're-Secretly-Gay" Pride Parade.

A Mississippi politician punched his wife in the face when she wouldn't get naked quick enough before sex. Matter of fact, the punch was such a direct hit that her blood spatter got all over his Tyreek Hill jersey.

The New England Patriots have signed veteran TE Benjamin Watson to a 1-year contract. Now I'm not saying Mr. Watson is old, but he was the guy on the other end of the line for Alexander Graham Bell's first phone call.

Well, that's all for now, this year, and this decade. Now, I'm going to attempt to embark on a new project, which will lead to more frequent posts of this blog. It'll be where I attempt to write one monologue joke every single day.

ALSO

What a wild fucking decade in comedy. It began with me writing jokes on my parents' computer to kill time during high school. I truly enjoyed it, and it was how I learned to write a joke and a punchline to begin with. And I wouldn't be where I am today without that dumb hobby.

Then standup came later. For the past eight years, I have had insane amounts of fun going places and telling jokes. I've performed alongside some of the best people in the business, gone across the country, and learned more than I could have ever hoped for about life through self-discovery. Through the good times and the bad, I can't help but appreciate this life I live. Becoming a comic is the best decision I've ever made. This life is incredible. Even if I'm still doing open mics.

Anyway, all tackiness aside, here's to a new decade of adventure, jokes, and fun! Let's get to it!!!

"Poor Managerial Decisions"

The Los Angeles Lakers signed LeBron James, Lance Stephenson and Javale McGee. Those signings are very strange, because it's the first time that this many people have moved to L.A. to pursue their dreams without needing to apply for restaurant jobs.

ABC canceled Roseanne Barr's sitcom amid her controversial tweets. Upon hearing the news, InfoWars picked up Roseanne Barr's sitcom for 22 episodes.

The Cleveland Browns will be featured on this season of HBO's Hard Knocks. It'll provide an in depth look at Cleveland Browns practices, which will be a pleasant surprise since most football fans didn't even know that the Browns held practices.

Prince Harry and Meghan Markle's wedding will reportedly cost $45 million. $44 million of the money will be spent on strippers for Prince Harry's bachelor party.

College football star Shaquem Griffin was selected in the fifth round of the NFL draft. I'm sure there's a reason why he wasn't selected in the first four rounds, but I can't quite put his hand on it.

The Cleveland Browns selected QB Baker Mayfield with first overall pick in 2018 NFL Draft. To prepare for Mayfield's tenure, Browns fans have begun to warm up their throwing arms for when they throw trash onto the field.

The Jacksonville Jaguars will feature a dog park in their stadium. Upon hearing this, Blake Bortles took his dog there to play fetch and immediately threw the ball into the mouth of a dog in a Patriots jersey.

Avicii and Verne Troyer died within a day of each other. Celebrity deaths usually happen in threes, which means that within the next couple days, we are expected to see the deaths of another one and a half celebrities.

A man in Connecticut robbed a bank in order to impress Taylor Swift. The bank tellers were upset that they couldn't stop him, especially since they knew he was trouble when he walked in.

Philadelphia Phillies manager Gabe Kapler has been heavily criticized for his poor managerial decisions. These incidents include pulling P Aaron Nola during a strong start, not starting star CF Odubel Herrera on Opening Day, and giving Roy Halladay a pilot's license.

Noted MMA fighter Conor McGregor was arrested for assault. Upon hearing of Conor McGregor's arrest, Floyd Mayweather says he can commit assault ten times better and can do so while wearing a nicer suit.

Rick Santorum suggested that the people protesting for gun reform should instead take CPR courses. Afterwards, he registered his staff members for CPR courses so they could try and revive his career.

Domino's recently released a pizza engagement ring. This sounds like a terrible thing to give to your fiancé unless you want your engagement to last thirty minutes or less.

The Cleveland Browns have acquired WR Jarvis Landry from the Miami Dolphins. They figured his experience as a Dolphin would help him thrive in an organization that's constantly underwater.

Martin Shkreli has been sentenced to 7 years in prison. For Martin, this news definitely has to be one tough $750 pill to swallow.

That's all I have for right now! Well, I wanted a bounce back year after 2017 was relatively rough, and 2018 has been the bounce back year that I hoped I would have! I'm doing a lot of standup, I'm about to get back to my DJ job that I haven't been doing for the summer, and I have a great support system of friends that have really been helping me out. It's been a good year so far, my 25th year on this planet is about to be over, and I'm about to enter the wonderful age of 26 (aka my late 20s. Gross!). Also, I haven't been writing as many topical jokes as of late because I've been focusing more on my personal standup act and how I can build a 20-25 minute set. It's tough, but what can I say, it has been a hell of a process. Anyway, more jokes coming soon!

"Stuck In A Stone Vagina"

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was indicted for child abuse. He's expected to receive a lengthy suspension because his wife wasn't the one abused.

A new robot can make 360 hamburgers in one hour. This revolutionary machine has been given the code name "Chris Christie's Personal Chef".

A Penn State student is now famous for feeding and dressing up a squirrel. Finally, someone at PSU manipulating a tiny being in a good way.

Jennifer Lawrence had nude photos released by a hacker. I'm outraged that someone would invade her privacy and leak her nude photos without telling me where I can find them.

A woman in Seattle was arrested after having sex with lawn chairs. Soon after that she sat on her cousin in the front yard and drank a beer.

Kim Kardashian will publish a 352-page selfie book. It's kinda ironic that the one person more self obsessed than Kanye West is his own wife.

A new study says eating fish makes the brain healthier. This totally explains all those Harvard grads you see eating at Long John Silver's.

A 100,000 year old skeleton may reveal the oldest case of brain damage. However, it isn't as old and brain damaged as any Fox News viewer.

A food truck with marijuana infused sandwiches is going around in Washington state. I assume they're Phish sandwiches.

A guy in Germany got stuck in a stone vagina. Amazingly, that stone vagina wasn't even half as dry as the vaginas of girls who talk to me.

Robert Morris U will now offer athletic scholarships for online gaming. This explains their new fight song "Mom, The Wifi Is Down Again".

A Buffalo man is selling his world record collection of 11,000 video games. The man hopes to use the money to buy himself a girlfriend.

Longtime MLB player and coach Don Zimmer died at age 83. Pedro Martinez shoved his casket into its burial plot.

That's all I have for right now! To both of you that read this, sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I'm trying, but I'm back in school now and I've been super busy. I'm still on the comedy grind, and I feel that I've made significant progress over the past few months. After a great contest set that I juuuust missed advancing to the semifinals in (I lost by 5 votes...), a great Brewhaha (I MC'D OMGGGGG), and a couple more good opening sets at the Go Bananas, who knows what could happen? Could I have gotten that all-elusive thing I've been working for for almost two and a half years soon? Only time will tell. Anyway, I hope nobody from the Go Bananas sees any of this (me talking about looking to get a you know what), because if so, I'm fuuuucked. Anyway, more coming soon!

"Firstborn Children"

A new study says that women that live in a smoke-free environment are less likely to develop breast cancer. The same study concluded that a smoke-free environment is healthier regardless.

A new study says that firstborn children are more likely to have food allergies. "I disagree," said my brother Brett, as he was eating a peanut butter sandwich.

Notre Dame wide receiver Michael Floyd was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunken driving. Now he's NFL ready.

A trial is beginning for a man who set fire to a predominantly black church because President Obama was elected. He's either really racist or really Republican. (or both)

A miniature train at a South Carolina park derailed and overturned on Saturday, killing a 6-year-old child. It was the biggest trainwreck involving a 6-year-old since Justin Bieber released his most recent CD.

A UCLA student had a racist rant that was targeted at Asian students in a library. To be fair, that is kind of a stereotype.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Banished Words"

It is officially 2011. People think this will be a year of promise. That is, until an attention-seeking dumbass screws it all up.

A new report says that one-third of 9-month-olds are obese or overweight. You know that cute baby you call chubby? Well, you're wrong. It's just fat.

Lake Superior State University has come up with a list of "banished words", which consists of words that they call "misused". This story is completely true. I googled it.

This just in: the "Coptic" Church has been renamed the "Coptic-tic-tic-tic-tic" Church.

New reports are saying that children think marriages are not meant to last very long due to all the celebrity divorces. In fact, this is having such a drastic effect on the children that they want divorces from their pedophile spouses.

Haiti has reportedly suffered a year of crisis with nobody in charge. Kind of like the Gosselin household.

Discovery Channel has indefinitely postponed the broadcast of a show that was going to re-enact Michael Jackson's autopsy. Discovery Channel added that they wanted to air a show that was bearable to watch.

Oprah Winfrey's new channel, OWN, has been launched. Critics say that viewers of the channel will be on the edge of their seats. They will also be looking under them.

New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson has refused a pardon for outlaw Billy the Kid. Billy the Kid died 120 years ago. How is it going to matter?

Pittsburgh University fired football coach Mike Haywood on Saturday after he was arrested for domestic violence. Who does this guy think he is, an NFL star?

Slugger and first baseman Derrek Lee has signed a contract with the Baltimore Orioles. He is obviously not looking to win a World Series.

TCU has defeated Wisconsin in the Rose Bowl. Take that, BCS!

That's all I have for today! Well, one down, 364 to go. More tomorrow!

"The First Pardons"

President Obama has granted the first pardons of his presidency.  Among his pardons: the Dancing With The Stars judges for letting Bristol get all the way to the finals.


In Washington, DC, Oprah Winfrey was a recipient of the Kennedy Center Honors.  In fact, she was so happy she won that she bought the Kennedy Center.


Bristol Palin says her mother did not force her to go on the “Dancing With The Stars” show.  She didn't have to go on there?  Most Americans are saying, "Why did she choose to go on?".

A 12-foot-long oarfish washed on to the beach in Malibu.  He's so tall, even Yao Ming was like, "Woah, dude, where did you get the stilts?".


Documents revealed by Wikileaks say the Mexican drug war lacks strategy, suffers from infighting and is costing billions of dollars.  Kind of like the Miami Heat.


Philippines President Benigno Aquino III, a bachelor says that the media is ruining his love life.  In America, we call those "tabloids".


A refund has been offered for an interview with Steve Martin that the audience claimed was boring.  This is a polar opposite with what I do with my stand-up shows.  Instead of them paying me, I pay them.


NFL players are being told by their union to start saving their money in the event of a lockout by management.  Because if anybody has trouble feeding their families, it's the NFL players.


An Alabama woman has been charged with stealing 200 books from a library.  She is being charged with being the only person in Alabama who knows how to read.


Roman Polanski won the Best Film Award at the European Film Awards.  Who knew child porn movies could be award winning?


The creator of "Glee" says that cast members will eventually have to graduate as they get older.  It's not like students in America are any better at graduating.


Toyota will fix 650,000 Prius hybrids that overheat and lose power.  What happened to Toyotas of the old days that wouldn't stop?


That's all I have for today!  More tomorrow!

"Writing A Memoir"

Dec. 1, 1891, James Naismith invented basketball.  Basketball has existed for 121 years, and the Nets still don't know how to play.

A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice.  In Los Angeles, they call that "Plastic surgery".

Snoop Dogg will perform at Prince William’s bachelor’s party.  It's a good idea.  The person in the world with nothing better to do will host Snoop Dogg at his wedding.

Tony Parker’s attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria.  It's like he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals.

No major hurricanes hit the U.S, mainland for the fifth straight year, despite twelve hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Basin.  So despite several signs that something major would happen, nothing really did.  Kind of like Obama's presidency.

More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year.  What use do credit cards have if they don't have any money?

Guns will soon be allowed on Amtrak trains.  Or, as people who are full of themselves call them, arms.

An economist says that house prices will “bounce along the bottom” for most of next year.  Kind of like the economy.

A report says that more teens are getting their high school diplomas.  Of course, a high school diploma now is the equivalent of an elementary school education thirty years ago.

The UK is going to limit the export of a drug that is used in executions in the U.S.  Instead of the drugs, the UK is going to send the US their food.

Tiger Woods’ story is going to be dramatized on NBC’s “Law & Order”.  "Law & Order": the two things most lacking in the NFL.

A study says that good looks may actually hurt women in a job interview.  Unless you work in porn.

Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir of her time as a judge on “American Idol”.  This is another step in the "Anybody Can Write A Book" list.

Kid Rock says that scalpers are ruining his birthday party by buying tickets and reselling them for a higher price.  Of course, how do we know that Kid Rock tickets have any value?

That's all I have for today!  More tomorrow!

"A Wussy Game"

Reggie Bush said Thursday that giving up his Heisman Trophy is “not an admission of guilt”. Yeah, and I allowed the repo man to take my car, but I clearly made the payments.

NFL Hall of Famer Roger Staubach says today’s pro football is a “wussy game”. However, I believe that the NFL has its share of tough guys. Well, they're that way off the field.

NY Yankees star Derek Jeter faked being hit on the arm against Tampa Bay when an inside pitch really hit his bat. In fact, that was such a bad acting performance that he'd fit right in with A-Rod's ex-girlfriends.

A study in London says that drugs used to treat acne, like Accutane, do not cause depression. Unless they don't work.

Authorities in Washington say police shot a man who pointed a gun at them on Capitol Hill. Angry men on Capitol Hill; don't we call them Senators?

Michael Jackson thought people wanted him dead because of "vicious rumors about him molesting children". In a related story, priests all across the country have gone into hiding.

An alleged threat to Pope Benedict XVI led to the arrests of five men in London on Friday. It was later determined that all five men have a son in the Catholic church.

A study says that 25% of Americans are plugged in to the Internet during sex. Of those people, 100% of them got their lover from Craigslist.

The world’s smallest cow measures just 33 inches in height. He hopes that one day he will no longer be shorter than the udder cows.

A King Kong musical could make it to Broadway. That is, if he can make it off the Empire State Building.

A study says that air pollution is linked to deadly cardiac arrest. If you live in Mexico City or Beijing, you're screwed.

A study says that only 5% of Americans do any exercise on any given day. The other 95% aren't forced to.

That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!

"A Lindsay Lohan Wannabe"

Joke of the Day: A survey says that 60% of Americans are satisfied with the way they look. The other 40% of people are known as "women".

Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.

Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".

Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.

Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.

Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.

Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.

Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.

A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".

Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".

A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.

Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.

NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Sex Crazed And Very Cheap"

A New Mexico business owner was arrested for possessing plastic bins containing various human body parts. His bail will cost him an arm and a leg.

Cleveland Browns nose tackle Shaun Rogers was arrested at a Cleveland airport for carrying a loaded handgun in his carry-on luggage. The AFC North is messed up now. The Browns have issues with loaded guns on airplanes, the Steelers assault women, and the Bengals locker room doubles as the county jail.

The origin of April Fool’s Day is most commonly believed to date back to the late 16th century. Ever since then, April Fools Day starts off the same way every time. "Welcome to Larry King Live".

With rising educational costs, it is said that college students will “vote with their feet”. Honestly, how is that any different from the way it is now?

Former "American Idol" winner Ruben Studdard says he has lost about 100 pounds on a vegetarian diet. He had a vegetarian diet beforehand. It consisted of french fries and baked potatoes.

The Republican National Committee inadvertently listed a phone sex hotline number on a fundraising letter. The RNC actually meant to put it on a job application as a reference.

Charlie Sheen is reportedly leaving the show “2 1/2 Men”. With Sheen out of the picture, the show will gain a new title. 2 Men.

Three of Tiger Woods’ former mistresses say he was sex crazed and very cheap. All three of them were Perkins' waitresses.

A report in Vanity Fair says that Michael Jordan taught Tiger Woods how to womanize. Apparently Tiger was in the same graduating class as Jesse James, John Edwards, and Bill Clinton.

That's it for today! More tomorrow!