Mike Huckabee says that Mitt Romney will win the Iowa primary if the weather is nice on January 3rd. Meanwhile, up in heaven, God is preparing the world's largest thunderstorm.
Donald Trump says he is breaking with the Republican Party in order to make an independent run for President. Because if anybody has a chance to win, it's an independent candidate.
Robert De Niro has become a father at age 68. You can tell it was De Niro's kid because it already made a shitty movie with Ben Stiller.
A survey says that religious Americans are just as likely to incorporate technology into their lives as others. Are we forgetting that Amish is a religion?
A Vietnam store has made a Christmas tree completely out of cellphones. Well to be fair, they were cell phones from the 80s, so it only took six phones.
Justin Bieber surprised a friend with a brand new car for Christmas. The real surprise here is that Justin Bieber has friends.
Youtube says it has had more than 1 Trillion playbacks in 2011. Thanks a lot, Rebecca.
That's all I have for right now! My next post will be coming on New Year's Eve! I hope everybody had a great Christmas!
Showing posts with label Amish. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Amish. Show all posts
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Monday, May 23, 2011
"Allergic To Electricity"
Scientists say the difference between being a genius or an idiot may come down to a single gene. It's called "the Redneck gene".
A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.
Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.
The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?
Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.
The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A British woman claims she is allergic to electricity. We have a name for people like that: Amish.
Ashton Kutcher says replacing Charlie Sheen on “Two and a Half Men” is like winning the lottery. It starts out with a lot of money, but it ends up with a crapload of booze and hookers.
The Census Bureau says that 55% of all Americans over age 15 have been married at least once. Here's my question: why are we asking people under 18 in the first place?
Scientists say that humans started walking on two legs because they could punch harder that way. And thus, the Jerry Springer show was born.
The Rapture did not happen as predicted on May 21. So thousands of video game nerds tried to get laid for no reason?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, January 4, 2011
"Symptoms Of Depression"
January 4 is World Hypnotism Day. Today, for some reason, I have been getting very sleepy.
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Goldman Sachs has invested $500 Million in Facebook. I'm shocked that the old people at Goldman Sachs know what Facebook actually is.
More than 500 Russian seamen are stranded in the Sea of Okhotsk by ice that is 6 feet thick. Meanwhile, immature Americans are laughing at the word "seamen".
It snowed along the Las Vegas Strip on Monday. In fact, it's so cold, men are being poked during lap dances at strip clubs.
Users of iPhones are angry that a software glitch rendered their alarm functions unusable early in 2011. They were as non-functional as an Amish electrical outlet.
Macaulay Culkin and Mila Kunis broke up after being together 8 years. Now, Macaulay really is Home Alone.
On his last day as California’s governor, Arnold Schwarzenegger commuted sentences on several criminals. Celebrities all across LA have said, "So? That happens to us all the time".
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger is leaving office with a 22% popularity rating. To give you an idea about how bad that is, even Wall Street is laughing at them.
The Seattle Seahawks have won the NFC West with a 7-9 record. In an unrelated story, the Bengals have asked for a playoff spot.
A Christian group is saying that Biblical prophesies say the end of the world will begin in May. I'm sure what most people care about is when the world actually ends.
A poll says that most Americans want to tax the rich to balance the budget. I'm sure that'll go along great with the rich people.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad’s 33 year old Peugeot has received a bid of $1 Million in an auction. Really? I didn't even know anybody in Iran had that much money to begin with.
A record number of deaths in Japan have spurred hotels for the dead, where bodies are stored prior to funerals. Who would pay for that?
A study says that bright light may ease symptoms of depression in the elderly. That is, if they know how to turn it on.
David Arquette is in rehab for drinking and depression. Given those two things, he better have a room on the first floor.
A Florida man says he will spend the next 30 days in a fenced enclosure with two African lions. The funeral is tomorrow.
Brett Favre has officially announced his retirement. He says that he needs more time to text.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, December 23, 2010
"A Foot Fetish"
President Obama signed the law that would repeal "Don't Ask, Don't Tell". Now, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will refer to pictures sent by Brett Favre.
Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.
President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.
An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".
A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.
A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.
The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.
A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Sports websites are reporting that New York Jets head coach Rex Ryan has a foot fetish. In fact, he gets turned on every time that trainer trips him.
President Obama says that the economy will be his "singular focus" over the next two years. Tell that to him when he wants to get reelected.
An 89 year old man from Michigan returned a library book after 76 years. Ironically, the book was called "Timeliness".
A poll says that 7 in 10 Internet users do not want ads targeted at them. The other 3 are the ones advertising.
A Kenyan prisoner was operated on to remove a cell phone from his large intestine. And you thought your service was crappy.
The Obama Administration says that polar bears are "threatened, but not endangered". In an unrelated story, Al Gore wants a new president.
A survey says that 26% of people say they cannot live without high-speed Internet. The other 76% are Amish.
That's all for right now! More tomorrow!
Friday, December 3, 2010
"Amish Romance Novels"
Qatar has beaten the U.S., Australia, Japan and South Korea to host the 2022 World Cup. That's like having The Situation audition for a Bowflex ad and they end up choosing me.
A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older. I was stunned when I heard this. There are children exercising?
A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic. In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.
President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland. He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.
Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream. Wait, how do they get typed?
Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations. Isn't that called a diary?
The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020. However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.
A study says that pollution makes birds gay. In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.
Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta. Oh Mylanta!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A New York Times article says that babies are being given exercises starting when they are born to help make them into athletes when they are older. I was stunned when I heard this. There are children exercising?
A study says that cheating and promiscuous behavior may be genetic. In other words, marrying Brett Favre's children is risky.
President Obama said that LeBron James should expect a “brutal” reception on his return to Cleveland. He's more hated in Cleveland than Mel Gibson is at a Hanukkah church service.
Amish romance novels are making it into the mainstream. Wait, how do they get typed?
Former Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell will write a book sharing her frustrations. Isn't that called a diary?
The federal government wants to cut obesity and smoking by the year 2020. However, I am in favor of cutting obesity and smoking by right now.
A study says that pollution makes birds gay. In fact, they are so gay, songbirds are now starting to sing Ricky Martin songs.
Johnson & Johnson have recalled 12 Million bottles of Mylanta. Oh Mylanta!
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
"Awarded To Kansas City"
Joke of the Day: Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson says he can't play for $550,000 a year. I mean come on, the guy's gotta eat.
The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?
The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?
The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.
A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".
U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.
Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.
Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.
Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.
Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?
The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?
The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.
A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".
U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.
Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.
Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.
Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.
Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
"A Carnival Attraction"
Joke of the Day: Yesterday, Supreme Court Justice John Paul Stevens celebrated his 90th birthday. Do you have any idea how old he is? The candles cost more than the actual cake.
The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.
The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.
Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.
Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.
Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?
An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.
A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.
Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.
A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.
A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.
A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".
The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.
The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.
A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.
That's all for now. More later!
The U.S. military says childhood obesity is a threat to national security because kids can’t stand the rigors of military service. Obese children can barely stand period.
The Supreme Court, on an 8-to-1 vote, killed a law making it a crime to sell videos depicting animal cruelty. At least now Michael Vick has a new highlight reel.
Nadya Suleman, the CA woman who gave birth to octuplets last year, says the nickname “Octomom” makes her feel like a “carnival attraction”. She really is a carnival attraction. Her vagina is like the clown pulling out the endless bow out of his mouth.
Kate Gosselin has been eliminated from Dancing With The Stars. She was eliminated on the basis that she wasn't an actual celebrity.
Among things recently inducted into various US halls of fame were cowboys, croquet, and insurance. Uhh, FAME?
An elderly Des Moines woman used a handgun to ward off a man who bashed in the front door of her home. The man immediately surrendered after the elderly woman flashed him.
A 39-year-old driver was pulled over in Connecticut this weekend where police said he was doing 5 mph in a 40 mph zone. The driver is being described as "a non-Toyota driver.
Sarah Ferguson, the Duchess of York, has guest hosted U.S. television network ABC's The View, CNN's Larry King Live and is a special correspondent for NBC's Today show, but now she wants her own American television program. I'm not sure that's a good resume, though.
A poll says that legalizing marijuana won’t boost the economy. Maybe in Los Angeles, but not anywhere else.
A poll says that only 33% of Americans are in favor of legalizing marijuana. The other 67% are not teenagers.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. This is way too obvious. Teens use their cell phones during school.
A survey says that teenagers love their cell phones more than they like school. The same survey found that teenagers love pizza more than peas.
A survey says that three fourths of American teenagers have cell phones. The other fourth? We call them "Amish".
The Octomom told Oprah she will never do a reality TV show. That's like Oprah telling Octomom that she will never eat another cheeseburger.
The Defense Department says that an Iranian missile could hit the U.S. by 2015. In a related story, Iranians disagree with the Mayans.
A survey says that Microsoft employees use Facebook and Twitter the most. Coming in a distant third, their beds.
L.A. Mayor Antonio Villaraigosa says he will have to cut thousands of jobs because of the budget shortfall. In fact, Villaraigosa says that the only job remaining in L.A. will be his own.
That's all for now. More later!
Monday, April 12, 2010
"A Slap In The Face"
Senator Charles Schumer wants the government to prohibit airlines from charging fees for carry on luggage, saying it is a “slap in the face” to travelers. I think it's a slap in the face whenever the pilot is drunk.
An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.
A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.
A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".
A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.
As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.
Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.
On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.
More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.
It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".
Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.
Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!
An Arizona man was arrested after his gun went off in a Wal-Mart. He was charged for being too sophisticated for Wal-Mart.
A study says that one third of people snoop on their lover’s texts and e-mails. The other two thirds of people studied were Amish.
A new animated series from Steven Spielberg will take a look at life in 25, 50 and a hundred years in the future. The series will be called, "Brett Favre's NFL Career".
A US military doctor removed a live 14.5 millimeter round of ammunition from the head of an Afghan soldier. This was quite an easy task. The Afghan soldier didn't have a brain that could get in the way.
As a fund raiser, a high school booster club in Illinois is selling bags of alpaca manure to the public. In a related story, the Chicago Cubs bought a bag and named it their starting pitcher for tonight.
Home run king Barry Bonds says he’s proud of former slugger Mark McGwire for returning to baseball after admitting he used performance-enhancing drugs. Bonds would have returned, but he didn't have the balls to do it.
On opening day for the White Sox, a couple was found in a men’s restroom having sex. The scary part: neither person was in the wrong restroom.
More than 20,000 gathered outside Irving, Texas Sunday to watch as Texas Stadium was dynamited. It's been regarded as the only thing in history to go down faster than a Taco Bell combo meal.
It's been reported that Sarah Palin will make a million dollars per episode for her TLC reality series. The title of the show pretty much speaks for how much she will contribute. "How to be an unsuccessful politician".
Records show that the U.S. recall of faulty vehicles was purposely delayed by Toyota. This is the first thing in the history of Toyota to be delayed.
Well, that's it for right now! More tomorrow!
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