Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. Meanwhile, there’s probably several teenagers out there who hope to actually contract it just so they can get a bunch of social media likes.
Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. And this outbreak has been especially wild for the incel community, as many of them had to buy soap for the first time.
New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton has been diagnosed with coronavirus. It must’ve been easy for him to catch this airborne disease, especially considering his starting QB’s name is Brees.
Vegas has been shut down amid coronavirus fears. So, basically, a man planned to go to Vegas to bet and see when coronavirus quarantines would be over, and Vegas then said, “Hold my beer.”
A 103 year old woman in Iran has survived coronavirus. This is incredibly surprising. A woman in Iran is allowed to live?
Country music star Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81. Apparently the age of 81 was when Rogers knew when to fold ‘em.
The coronavirus has been linked to bats, an animal known to hang upside down in caves. Which totally explains why COVID-19 was originally COVID-61.
A group of spring breakers in Tampa were diagnosed with the coronavirus. The coronavirus they caught was described as the least deadly disease ever caught while on a Spring break trip.
A man in Arizona died after ingesting a substance that Donald Trump said could treat coronavirus. Though to be fair, the substance was highly heralded by scientists who graduated from Trump University.
The Library of Congress has honored the Village People. It marks the first time in history that Washington D.C. has ever done something nice for a Native American.
Due to the coronavirus outbreak causing business to close, strippers in Portland are delivering themselves to clients’ homes for private dances. This Portland-based delivery service is more commonly known as “WhoreDash”.
An eight year old in Toronto won $200 worth of cannabis products at a youth hockey tournament. After claiming the cannabis prizes, he watched hours of cartoons, ate several bags of potato chips, and laid around for several hours. And then he ingested the pot.
The COVID-19 stimulus bill will give $500 per person’s child in America. In a related story, Antonio Cromartie has a plan to pay off the national debt.
Donald Trump reportedly suggested that the US and Germany should be enemies because of the fact that Germany was an enemy during World War II. This is yet another one of Donald Trump’s ideologies that haven’t evolved beyond the 1940s.
One of the highest ranking officials in the Catholic church has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. In a related story, the coronavirus death toll among altar boys is expected to skyrocket.
Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.
That's all I have for now, from the quarantined month of March. It's been wild to say the least. The world might be ending, and I've done a handful of virtual open mics, but comedy is getting increasingly difficult to focus on. But I'm happy with my friends and family who are extra supportive during this wild time of staying home from comedy shows, DJ nights, trivia nights, etc. Also, I'm officially one fourth of the way to my goal of writing a monologue joke for every day of the year! More jokey jokes coming in April.
Showing posts with label Catholics. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Catholics. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Saturday, February 15, 2020
"Haaave Mercyyyy"
The LA Lakers honored Kobe Bryant's career with a 24.2-second moment of silence. Thankfully, their previous plans to honor his scoring ability with a 33,643-second moment of silence were scrapped at the last minute.
Jennifer Lopez delivered a Super Bowl halftime performance that included a stripper pole. Parents all across America had to explain to their kids what a stripper pole is immediately after they had to explain to their kids who Jennifer Lopez is.
Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was named Super Bowl MVP. He will now take the reins as the next great NFL QB that America will get sick of in 5 years.
The Kansas City Super Bowl celebration could be seen on weather radar. Not to be outdone, Tyreek Hill’s wife’s cries for help can be heard from outer space.
The Vatican responded to the coronavirus outbreak by giving China hundreds of thousands of masks. I trust these masks a lot, because if there’s one thing the Catholic church is good at, it’s covering things up.
A 68 year old Florida woman tased her 73 year old husband when he asked for a separation. The man then added insult to injury by saying that being tased was the first time in 30 years that he had felt anything in their marriage.
Barnes and Noble is being criticized for their "diverse" book campaign for Black History Month which portrays classic book characters as African American. Even worse, they changed one of the book titles to "Lil' Romeo and Juliet".
A town in Finland will give a free gym membership to anyone over 65. The gym is called “Curves: Spinal Cord Edition”.
The Oscars were this Sunday. It was the day this year that all around comedic geniuses logged onto their Twitter accounts and said, “Cats was snubbed for Best Picture!”
Charles Barkley called the Philadelphia 76ers “the Cleveland Browns of the NBA” This is because every time Joel Embiid tries to pass the ball to one of his teammates, the other team ends up getting six points.
An ex-Satanist says he went to hell and then converted to Christianity. In a related story, Christians have been offering Satanists tickets to Alex Schubert's comedy shows.
The NFL has reinstated Browns DE Myles Garrett. Fittingly, Roger Goodell hit the reinstatement button with Mason Rudolph’s helmet.
Donald Trump will attend the Daytona 500. It’s not that he’s a NASCAR fan, it’s that he figured he’d go to an event that pretty much doubles as a Trump rally.
The Houston Astros organization and players made a formal apology for the sign stealing scandal. As a part of their apology, they have also sent a large monetary donation to the Anti-Domestic Violence Against Trash Cans Association of America.
The “Full House” house in San Francisco is up for sale for almost $6 million. One potential buyer is looking to buy it for $5 million. Though the real estate agent won’t budge on the $6 million price tag, the buyer hopes that the agent will haaave mercyyyy.
That's all I have for right now. In doing this one monologue joke per day process, I've forgotten how laborious it is. I set myself to a high standard and want each and every joke to be a really, really funny one, and sometimes, it's taken up to an hour to think of a single punchline for a joke. But like I always say, it's a labor of love. And I'm glad I've refocused myself towards comedy and being the best comedian and person I can be. It ain't easy, but that's the name of the game, baby.
More jokes coming at the end of the month!
Jennifer Lopez delivered a Super Bowl halftime performance that included a stripper pole. Parents all across America had to explain to their kids what a stripper pole is immediately after they had to explain to their kids who Jennifer Lopez is.
Chiefs QB Patrick Mahomes was named Super Bowl MVP. He will now take the reins as the next great NFL QB that America will get sick of in 5 years.
The Kansas City Super Bowl celebration could be seen on weather radar. Not to be outdone, Tyreek Hill’s wife’s cries for help can be heard from outer space.
The Vatican responded to the coronavirus outbreak by giving China hundreds of thousands of masks. I trust these masks a lot, because if there’s one thing the Catholic church is good at, it’s covering things up.
A 68 year old Florida woman tased her 73 year old husband when he asked for a separation. The man then added insult to injury by saying that being tased was the first time in 30 years that he had felt anything in their marriage.
Barnes and Noble is being criticized for their "diverse" book campaign for Black History Month which portrays classic book characters as African American. Even worse, they changed one of the book titles to "Lil' Romeo and Juliet".
A town in Finland will give a free gym membership to anyone over 65. The gym is called “Curves: Spinal Cord Edition”.
The Oscars were this Sunday. It was the day this year that all around comedic geniuses logged onto their Twitter accounts and said, “Cats was snubbed for Best Picture!”
Charles Barkley called the Philadelphia 76ers “the Cleveland Browns of the NBA” This is because every time Joel Embiid tries to pass the ball to one of his teammates, the other team ends up getting six points.
An ex-Satanist says he went to hell and then converted to Christianity. In a related story, Christians have been offering Satanists tickets to Alex Schubert's comedy shows.
The NFL has reinstated Browns DE Myles Garrett. Fittingly, Roger Goodell hit the reinstatement button with Mason Rudolph’s helmet.
Donald Trump will attend the Daytona 500. It’s not that he’s a NASCAR fan, it’s that he figured he’d go to an event that pretty much doubles as a Trump rally.
The Houston Astros organization and players made a formal apology for the sign stealing scandal. As a part of their apology, they have also sent a large monetary donation to the Anti-Domestic Violence Against Trash Cans Association of America.
The “Full House” house in San Francisco is up for sale for almost $6 million. One potential buyer is looking to buy it for $5 million. Though the real estate agent won’t budge on the $6 million price tag, the buyer hopes that the agent will haaave mercyyyy.
That's all I have for right now. In doing this one monologue joke per day process, I've forgotten how laborious it is. I set myself to a high standard and want each and every joke to be a really, really funny one, and sometimes, it's taken up to an hour to think of a single punchline for a joke. But like I always say, it's a labor of love. And I'm glad I've refocused myself towards comedy and being the best comedian and person I can be. It ain't easy, but that's the name of the game, baby.
More jokes coming at the end of the month!
Friday, October 14, 2011
"Portable Toilets"
An analysis says that there are more cellphones than people in the U.S. And the crazy part: almost one quarter of them are able to make calls.
A study says that risk of cancer from tanning beds is greater than once thought. Let's hope this is true for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Environmentalists say they want to put portable toilets at the top of Mt. Everest. Great, frozen shit. It's like a bucket full of Lean Cuisine meals.
Police say a couple in Kentucky shoplifted at a Wal-Mart, leaving their kids behind. This marks a whole new level of white trash.
Whitney Houston apparently threw a fit on a plane when she was told to buckle her seat belt. She was screaming hideously for ten minutes, but authorities soon figured out that she was singing.
Google has passed the 40 million mark for customers signing up on Google+. And of those 40 million, five are relevant to the world.
A Kansas City bishop has been charged with not reporting child porn on his computer to police. Police confiscated the computer, and were stunned by the amount of saliva on the screen.
Chaz Bono has starred in an anti-bullying PSA. And who better to tell people to stop bullying than a giant he-she named Chaz?
There is a YouTube video of a baby that thinks a magazine is an iPad that does not work. And they say Americans are getting dumber.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
A study says that risk of cancer from tanning beds is greater than once thought. Let's hope this is true for the cast of Jersey Shore.
Environmentalists say they want to put portable toilets at the top of Mt. Everest. Great, frozen shit. It's like a bucket full of Lean Cuisine meals.
Police say a couple in Kentucky shoplifted at a Wal-Mart, leaving their kids behind. This marks a whole new level of white trash.
Whitney Houston apparently threw a fit on a plane when she was told to buckle her seat belt. She was screaming hideously for ten minutes, but authorities soon figured out that she was singing.
Google has passed the 40 million mark for customers signing up on Google+. And of those 40 million, five are relevant to the world.
A Kansas City bishop has been charged with not reporting child porn on his computer to police. Police confiscated the computer, and were stunned by the amount of saliva on the screen.
Chaz Bono has starred in an anti-bullying PSA. And who better to tell people to stop bullying than a giant he-she named Chaz?
There is a YouTube video of a baby that thinks a magazine is an iPad that does not work. And they say Americans are getting dumber.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Sunday, October 9, 2011
"Aggravated Child Abuse"
Oakland Raiders owner Al Davis has died at the age of 82. He has asked to be buried next to JaMarcus Russell's career.
Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.
The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Thornton.
The first gay minister has been ordained at a Presbyterian church in California. Sorry about your luck, altar boys.
A Walmart in Baltimore had to be shut down due to two customers fighting with bleach. Oh, white people...
A fan at a golf event threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. How ironic. Tiger Woods is there and it's somebody else's wiener making headlines.
A Minnesota woman was accused of breaking into a house to buy porn. She knows there's this thing called the Internet, right?
A girl in North Carolina went six years without keeping any solid food down. She now has a promising career as a model.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Sarah Palin says she won’t run for President. She figures that the country is doing bad enough already.
The daughter of actor Billy Bob Thornton has received 20 years in prison for aggravated child abuse. She was accused of making the children watch movies of Billy Bob Thornton.
The first gay minister has been ordained at a Presbyterian church in California. Sorry about your luck, altar boys.
A Walmart in Baltimore had to be shut down due to two customers fighting with bleach. Oh, white people...
A fan at a golf event threw a hot dog at Tiger Woods. How ironic. Tiger Woods is there and it's somebody else's wiener making headlines.
A Minnesota woman was accused of breaking into a house to buy porn. She knows there's this thing called the Internet, right?
A girl in North Carolina went six years without keeping any solid food down. She now has a promising career as a model.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, January 10, 2011
"Not An Issue"
Two House Republicans apologized for voting six times even though they had missed on their swearing-in ceremony. Then again, that is the election process for a politician.
“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.
The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.
The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.
On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?
Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.
The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.
Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".
Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.
67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.
A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?
Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.
A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".
New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
“True Grit” was No. 1 at the box office last weekend. This movie tells the story of everything the New Orleans Saints fail to show.
The reality show “Sarah Palin’s Alaska” has not been renewed for a second season. I think the Sarah Palin stereotype played a part in this. Because after all, she was under contract with TLC for two seasons.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. I thought "Bend It Like Beckham" did not have a double meaning.
David and Victoria Beckham are expecting their fourth child this summer. Because nothing makes Victoria Beckham happier than a really big stomach.
The Catholic Church is upset that kids in Mallorca, Spain printed calendars with nearly nude Biblical scenes as a fundraiser. They hated the name of the calendars even more: The Jewels and the Genitals.
On Tuesday, Verizon will announce that it will soon be selling iPhones. Really Verizon? An announcement for an announcement?
Players and fans were sickened by an odor at a high school basketball game in South Carolina. It's nice to see a Carolina sports team that stinks other than the Panthers.
Nevada Senator Harry Reid says the Tea Party will disappear when the economy improves. In other words, they're gonna be here for a while.
The American Dialect Society has chosen “app” as the Word of the Year. Coming in a close second: refudiate.
Bjork is leading a protest against an Icelandic energy deal with a karaoke marathon. In response, the Icelandic energy deal said, "You win".
Somalis say that Islamist insurgents have banned unrelated men and women from shaking hands, speaking or walking together. You know what Americans call that three part process? Meeting a hooker.
67% of “American Idol” viewers say the best days of the show are over. Well, of course the best days are over. One of the judges is the Geico caveman.
A study says economic insecurity boosts obesity. Well that just about defines America there, doesn't it?
Sylvia Bursztyn, the crossword puzzle maker for the Los Angeles Times, has died. She will be buried right next to that one word that you just can't figure out.
A study says that weight is not an issue for obese women when it comes to getting pregnant by using fertility drugs. The issue is being able to tell if they are pregnant or not.
Gwyneth Paltrow says she suffered from postpartum depression after the birth of her second child. Apparently "partum" is Latin for "career".
New York City has 50,000 tons of uncollected garbage. 30,000 tons of the garbage consists of bandages from actors who star in "Spiderman: The Musical".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, December 13, 2010
"The Bush Tax Cuts"
President Obama met last week with former President Bill Clinton. This was a meeting of the two people in America that can't pull out to save their lives.
Liberal Democrats will grudgingly pass President Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts they call a giveaway to the rich. Aren't those called "bailouts"?
Singer Miley Cyrus was photographed smoking the herb salvia in a bong on her 18th birthday. This is an odd twist. Usually, she's smoking before her musical performances.
A poll says that 68% of people say that parents are to blame for what’s wrong with the nation’s education system. The other 32% blame the students who are actually the ones doing the work.
The Golf Channel will start a morning show in January. Great, now they wanna bore people to death before they go to work.
The State Department says it regrets the patdown of the Indian Ambassador at a Mississippi airport. It's the only time that "regrets the patdown" has ever been used in a sentence.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders bashed the proposed tax cut bill with an eight and a half hour filibuster. Because if anybody has any influence in politics, it's that guy from Vermont.
A document released by WikiLeaks says the Vatican tried to stop an investigation by Ireland into child molestations by Catholic priests. WikiLeaks also released a document saying that Bill Clinton was a horny president.
Winona Ryder says in an interview that she doesn’t use the Internet. In fact, she recently proved that with her most recent Twitter update.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Liberal Democrats will grudgingly pass President Obama’s extension of the Bush tax cuts they call a giveaway to the rich. Aren't those called "bailouts"?
Singer Miley Cyrus was photographed smoking the herb salvia in a bong on her 18th birthday. This is an odd twist. Usually, she's smoking before her musical performances.
A poll says that 68% of people say that parents are to blame for what’s wrong with the nation’s education system. The other 32% blame the students who are actually the ones doing the work.
The Golf Channel will start a morning show in January. Great, now they wanna bore people to death before they go to work.
The State Department says it regrets the patdown of the Indian Ambassador at a Mississippi airport. It's the only time that "regrets the patdown" has ever been used in a sentence.
Vermont Senator Bernie Sanders bashed the proposed tax cut bill with an eight and a half hour filibuster. Because if anybody has any influence in politics, it's that guy from Vermont.
A document released by WikiLeaks says the Vatican tried to stop an investigation by Ireland into child molestations by Catholic priests. WikiLeaks also released a document saying that Bill Clinton was a horny president.
Winona Ryder says in an interview that she doesn’t use the Internet. In fact, she recently proved that with her most recent Twitter update.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, September 17, 2010
"A Wussy Game"
Reggie Bush said Thursday that giving up his Heisman Trophy is “not an admission of guilt”. Yeah, and I allowed the repo man to take my car, but I clearly made the payments.
NFL Hall of Famer Roger Staubach says today’s pro football is a “wussy game”. However, I believe that the NFL has its share of tough guys. Well, they're that way off the field.
NY Yankees star Derek Jeter faked being hit on the arm against Tampa Bay when an inside pitch really hit his bat. In fact, that was such a bad acting performance that he'd fit right in with A-Rod's ex-girlfriends.
A study in London says that drugs used to treat acne, like Accutane, do not cause depression. Unless they don't work.
Authorities in Washington say police shot a man who pointed a gun at them on Capitol Hill. Angry men on Capitol Hill; don't we call them Senators?
Michael Jackson thought people wanted him dead because of "vicious rumors about him molesting children". In a related story, priests all across the country have gone into hiding.
An alleged threat to Pope Benedict XVI led to the arrests of five men in London on Friday. It was later determined that all five men have a son in the Catholic church.
A study says that 25% of Americans are plugged in to the Internet during sex. Of those people, 100% of them got their lover from Craigslist.
The world’s smallest cow measures just 33 inches in height. He hopes that one day he will no longer be shorter than the udder cows.
A King Kong musical could make it to Broadway. That is, if he can make it off the Empire State Building.
A study says that air pollution is linked to deadly cardiac arrest. If you live in Mexico City or Beijing, you're screwed.
A study says that only 5% of Americans do any exercise on any given day. The other 95% aren't forced to.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
NFL Hall of Famer Roger Staubach says today’s pro football is a “wussy game”. However, I believe that the NFL has its share of tough guys. Well, they're that way off the field.
NY Yankees star Derek Jeter faked being hit on the arm against Tampa Bay when an inside pitch really hit his bat. In fact, that was such a bad acting performance that he'd fit right in with A-Rod's ex-girlfriends.
A study in London says that drugs used to treat acne, like Accutane, do not cause depression. Unless they don't work.
Authorities in Washington say police shot a man who pointed a gun at them on Capitol Hill. Angry men on Capitol Hill; don't we call them Senators?
Michael Jackson thought people wanted him dead because of "vicious rumors about him molesting children". In a related story, priests all across the country have gone into hiding.
An alleged threat to Pope Benedict XVI led to the arrests of five men in London on Friday. It was later determined that all five men have a son in the Catholic church.
A study says that 25% of Americans are plugged in to the Internet during sex. Of those people, 100% of them got their lover from Craigslist.
The world’s smallest cow measures just 33 inches in height. He hopes that one day he will no longer be shorter than the udder cows.
A King Kong musical could make it to Broadway. That is, if he can make it off the Empire State Building.
A study says that air pollution is linked to deadly cardiac arrest. If you live in Mexico City or Beijing, you're screwed.
A study says that only 5% of Americans do any exercise on any given day. The other 95% aren't forced to.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Thursday, May 20, 2010
"Backing Wii Video Games"
Joke of the Day: A study says that men taking Viagra are at risk of hearing loss. This mysterious ailment is called "Becoming old".
A study says that eating processed meats like hot dogs, bacon and sausage is unhealthy. The study was conducted at the Department of Unhealthy Habits, or D.U.H. for short.
A study says that mothers kissing their kid’s “owies” may have long lasting effects on their health as an adult. The study was conducted by 4-year-olds who want to sound smart.
A Chinese Billionaire was sentenced to 14 years in prison for illegal business dealings, insider trading and corporate bribery. He was given another 3 years for stealing the U.S.'s formula.
The American Heart Association is backing Wii video games that promote exercise by the users. I would support the alternative way to exercise: actually doing that activity.
Wal-Mart pulled an entire line of Miley Cyrus jewelry from its shelves because it contains the dangerous metal cadmium. And because it was made by Miley Cyrus.
John Shepherd-Barron, the inventor of the ATM, has died at the age of 84. His body will be located at eight different places throughout Six Flags for your convenience.
Justin Bieber received a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. The award: worst performance by a female singer.
A Dutch sex shop is giving away 2,000 “Pope condoms”, this weekend. The only problem: They only work when you have sex with choir boys.
That's all for now. More later!
A study says that eating processed meats like hot dogs, bacon and sausage is unhealthy. The study was conducted at the Department of Unhealthy Habits, or D.U.H. for short.
A study says that mothers kissing their kid’s “owies” may have long lasting effects on their health as an adult. The study was conducted by 4-year-olds who want to sound smart.
A Chinese Billionaire was sentenced to 14 years in prison for illegal business dealings, insider trading and corporate bribery. He was given another 3 years for stealing the U.S.'s formula.
The American Heart Association is backing Wii video games that promote exercise by the users. I would support the alternative way to exercise: actually doing that activity.
Wal-Mart pulled an entire line of Miley Cyrus jewelry from its shelves because it contains the dangerous metal cadmium. And because it was made by Miley Cyrus.
John Shepherd-Barron, the inventor of the ATM, has died at the age of 84. His body will be located at eight different places throughout Six Flags for your convenience.
Justin Bieber received a nomination for a 2010 Black Entertainment Television award. The award: worst performance by a female singer.
A Dutch sex shop is giving away 2,000 “Pope condoms”, this weekend. The only problem: They only work when you have sex with choir boys.
That's all for now. More later!
Thursday, May 6, 2010
"Spontaneously Gay"
Joke of the Day: White Castle has unveiled candles that smell like hamburgers. We already have a bigger version of those. It's called a barbecue grill.
A study shows that women with higher voices prefer men with deeper voices. Women everywhere are saying, "Well, I don't like the actors, I want to find out more about the guy who narrates the movie previews".
A Brazilian Archbishop says that teenagers are “spontaneously gay” and need guidance. When an archbishop says that, it raises some suspicion.
Kelly Clarkson has been ranked as the most successful “American Idol” contestant. Taylor Hicks did make a strong case for the top rank, but after his unsuccessful campaign, he went back to his job as a waiter.
CNN and CBS are reportedly in talks for a merger. Now, an episode of the Big Bang Theory will feature Larry King saying, "Yep, I was there".
A 19 year old used the alias “Barack Obama” in a failed attempt to hack into an ATM. What do President Obama and that ATM have in common? They didn't give change like they were supposed to.
Today is actor George Clooney’s 49th birthday. Cougars all over the world have started sending him birthday cards.
An Episcopal church in Massachusetts will launch a monthly worship service solely for dogs. The main problem with this will be when the pastor goes up to the podium and all the dogs start barking.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A study shows that women with higher voices prefer men with deeper voices. Women everywhere are saying, "Well, I don't like the actors, I want to find out more about the guy who narrates the movie previews".
A Brazilian Archbishop says that teenagers are “spontaneously gay” and need guidance. When an archbishop says that, it raises some suspicion.
Kelly Clarkson has been ranked as the most successful “American Idol” contestant. Taylor Hicks did make a strong case for the top rank, but after his unsuccessful campaign, he went back to his job as a waiter.
CNN and CBS are reportedly in talks for a merger. Now, an episode of the Big Bang Theory will feature Larry King saying, "Yep, I was there".
A 19 year old used the alias “Barack Obama” in a failed attempt to hack into an ATM. What do President Obama and that ATM have in common? They didn't give change like they were supposed to.
Today is actor George Clooney’s 49th birthday. Cougars all over the world have started sending him birthday cards.
An Episcopal church in Massachusetts will launch a monthly worship service solely for dogs. The main problem with this will be when the pastor goes up to the podium and all the dogs start barking.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
"Smooth As A Jet Ride"
Joke of the Day: The parent company of United Airlines is buying Continental for $3.17 billion to form the largest carrier in the world. Before this merger, the largest carrier in the world was Kirstie Alley's refrigerator.
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.
The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.
Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".
Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".
The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.
Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.
Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.
Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.
Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.
Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.
A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.
Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.
A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.
Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".
That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.
The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.
Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".
Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".
The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.
Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.
Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.
Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.
Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.
Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.
A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.
Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.
A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.
Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".
That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!
Monday, April 26, 2010
"Mayberry With A Beach"
Joke of the Day: A Detroit strip club manager was arrested for employing a 14 year old female dancer who was making up to $350 a day. Still yet to be discovered, the dancer's seven-year-old brother was employed by the Catholic Church.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. It's the first book by a President to be entirely in pictures.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. May I suggest a title? It's a book about his presidency. It should be called "Zero Points".
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. One-thousand signed copies are available for $350 each. And for an extra $100, George will let you keep the crayon he used to sign it.
World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says we should stop sending broadcast signals into space to contact alien life forms. Here's a good idea for a start: Get Stephen Hawking a translator.
A North Carolina town called “Mayberry with a beach” has banned swimmers from wearing thongs. And yet, still no word on Grandpa and his Speedo.
In Scotland, a man was accused of weighing his penis on a grocery store’s produce scale. The man became seriously embarrassed when the scale voice told him, "Object not detected, please try again."
A poll says that 60% of Americans support a National Day of Prayer. Of those 60%, 100% of them want to designate April 15 as the National Day of Prayer.
China may ease its long hated one child rule for couples. China is demanding that if a family was to have two children, at least one of them must be employed.
A doorman strike was narrowly averted in New York City. NYC citizens were extremely upset. They actually had to open doors all by theirselves.
A study says genetics determine at what age a child learns to read. It's unknown whether they learn to text before they learn to read.
Joe Paterno says he favors the Big Ten expanding from eleven to fourteen teams. Even though the conference is clearly called the Big Ten.
The USOC has ended their plan for an Olympics network. It's not anybody's fault. They just didn't want to over-advertise crappy NBC programming.
That's it for now. By the way, congratulation to me! This is my 100th blog post! Come on, celebrate with me faithful reader!
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. It's the first book by a President to be entirely in pictures.
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. May I suggest a title? It's a book about his presidency. It should be called "Zero Points".
George W. Bush’s book “Decision Points” is set to be released on Nov. 9. One-thousand signed copies are available for $350 each. And for an extra $100, George will let you keep the crayon he used to sign it.
World-renowned physicist Stephen Hawking says we should stop sending broadcast signals into space to contact alien life forms. Here's a good idea for a start: Get Stephen Hawking a translator.
A North Carolina town called “Mayberry with a beach” has banned swimmers from wearing thongs. And yet, still no word on Grandpa and his Speedo.
In Scotland, a man was accused of weighing his penis on a grocery store’s produce scale. The man became seriously embarrassed when the scale voice told him, "Object not detected, please try again."
A poll says that 60% of Americans support a National Day of Prayer. Of those 60%, 100% of them want to designate April 15 as the National Day of Prayer.
China may ease its long hated one child rule for couples. China is demanding that if a family was to have two children, at least one of them must be employed.
A doorman strike was narrowly averted in New York City. NYC citizens were extremely upset. They actually had to open doors all by theirselves.
A study says genetics determine at what age a child learns to read. It's unknown whether they learn to text before they learn to read.
Joe Paterno says he favors the Big Ten expanding from eleven to fourteen teams. Even though the conference is clearly called the Big Ten.
The USOC has ended their plan for an Olympics network. It's not anybody's fault. They just didn't want to over-advertise crappy NBC programming.
That's it for now. By the way, congratulation to me! This is my 100th blog post! Come on, celebrate with me faithful reader!
Sunday, April 18, 2010
"Kids Using Smokeless Tobacco"
Joke of the Day: New York City's oldest library says one of its ledgers shows that George Washington has racked up 220 years' worth of late fees on two books he borrowed, but never returned. As a method of showing off his fame, George will pay his late fees entirely in one dollar bills.
Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his 83rd birthday with a cake. And priests celebrated with a nice sandwich.
Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his 83rd birthday with a cake. All the choir boys were on hand to sing Happy Birthday. And I'm N' Luv.
7-11 will start selling its own private label beer called “Game Day”. It's the perfect way to tell your friends, "I'm a sports fan. And completely broke."
An army medic successfully performed the Heimlich Maneuver on a woman at a Yankees baseball game. And yet, the medic couldn't stop the Yankees from choking.
Larry King has allegedly had an affair with his wife’s sister for years, according to staffers. This is being described as the "It's not my fault" maneuver.
A judge has ruled that a National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional. Atheists are calling this a miracle.
Health experts say that Major League Baseball is to blame for kids using smokeless tobacco. This is not true at all. The MLB is using it all.
Organizers of the Tea Party demonstrations on tax day say they wanted to keep the group from presenting a message of extremism. Well that worked out well.
A U.N. commission blames bad security on the assassination of Pakistan Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto in 2007. This is odd. Who knew the US had security working in Pakistan.
The Obamas earned $5.5 Million in 2009. And they don't even have to pay for a house.
The NFL is helping to produce a Broadway play about Vince Lombardi. To which married men everywhere said, "I'm not buying it".
Volcanic ash from Icelandic eruptions have grounded flights across Europe. This has gotten so bad that in Europe, Southwest Airlines is only able to make three stop-offs per trip.
Thai troops armed with assault rifles have moved to block Bangkok's prime business district from thousands of anti-government protesters. I'm guessing when you think of the prime business of Bangkok, would prostitution come to mind?
New York City's oldest library says one of its ledgers shows that George Washington has racked up 220 years' worth of late fees on two books he borrowed, but never returned. And thus, national debt was born.
A San Francisco crime lab is at the center of a growing scandal after a woman who worked there snorted cocaine that was supposed to be evidence. And as punishment, Lindsay Lohan has been fired.
President Barack Obama's spokesman says Twitter site is an "amazing tool" and a "fabulous medium." You know, like Monica Lewinsky.
That's all for now! More upcoming.
Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his 83rd birthday with a cake. And priests celebrated with a nice sandwich.
Pope Benedict XVI celebrated his 83rd birthday with a cake. All the choir boys were on hand to sing Happy Birthday. And I'm N' Luv.
7-11 will start selling its own private label beer called “Game Day”. It's the perfect way to tell your friends, "I'm a sports fan. And completely broke."
An army medic successfully performed the Heimlich Maneuver on a woman at a Yankees baseball game. And yet, the medic couldn't stop the Yankees from choking.
Larry King has allegedly had an affair with his wife’s sister for years, according to staffers. This is being described as the "It's not my fault" maneuver.
A judge has ruled that a National Day of Prayer is unconstitutional. Atheists are calling this a miracle.
Health experts say that Major League Baseball is to blame for kids using smokeless tobacco. This is not true at all. The MLB is using it all.
Organizers of the Tea Party demonstrations on tax day say they wanted to keep the group from presenting a message of extremism. Well that worked out well.
A U.N. commission blames bad security on the assassination of Pakistan Prime Minister Benazir Bhutto in 2007. This is odd. Who knew the US had security working in Pakistan.
The Obamas earned $5.5 Million in 2009. And they don't even have to pay for a house.
The NFL is helping to produce a Broadway play about Vince Lombardi. To which married men everywhere said, "I'm not buying it".
Volcanic ash from Icelandic eruptions have grounded flights across Europe. This has gotten so bad that in Europe, Southwest Airlines is only able to make three stop-offs per trip.
Thai troops armed with assault rifles have moved to block Bangkok's prime business district from thousands of anti-government protesters. I'm guessing when you think of the prime business of Bangkok, would prostitution come to mind?
New York City's oldest library says one of its ledgers shows that George Washington has racked up 220 years' worth of late fees on two books he borrowed, but never returned. And thus, national debt was born.
A San Francisco crime lab is at the center of a growing scandal after a woman who worked there snorted cocaine that was supposed to be evidence. And as punishment, Lindsay Lohan has been fired.
President Barack Obama's spokesman says Twitter site is an "amazing tool" and a "fabulous medium." You know, like Monica Lewinsky.
That's all for now! More upcoming.
Thursday, April 8, 2010
"A Fat Redneck"
Joke of the Day: Oprah Winfrey says she will try to make the Oprah Winfrey Network "all that I know it can be." Unfortunately for Oprah, the Food Network has already been created.
Bristol Palin, encouraging young girls to not get pregnant, said no one knows how difficult motherhood is until “you have a screaming baby in your arms and you’re up all night”. You know, like Sarah Palin after the last election.
Mississippi Gov. Haley Barber recently called himself a “fat redneck”. Isn't that like calling yourself a "selfish Republican"?
The Chicago Cubs have the highest priced tickets for regular seats in all of Major League Baseball. That's like Waffle House having the highest priced food in the world.
Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he was wrong 30% of the time when it came to the economy. The other 70% of the time, he was really wrong.
Costa Rican President Oscar Arias says it is time for the Catholic Church to end celibacy for priests. I think they should end the priests' rights to teach Sunday School.
A new test could warn smokers of cancer danger. They already have that. It's called the "Surgeon General's Warning".
A survey says that CEOs are more upbeat on the prospects for job growth. This is strange. I thought CEOs only cared about their own jobs.
GM reported a $4.3 Billion loss at the end of 2009. Mainly because they produced $4.3 Billion dollars worth of cars.
Police say a man robbed a north Portland Bank of America branch on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. Even worse, the Jaguar he stole wasn't a car.
I'm still on a roll! More soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write tomorrow because I have a freaking busy day. Sorry :(
Bristol Palin, encouraging young girls to not get pregnant, said no one knows how difficult motherhood is until “you have a screaming baby in your arms and you’re up all night”. You know, like Sarah Palin after the last election.
Mississippi Gov. Haley Barber recently called himself a “fat redneck”. Isn't that like calling yourself a "selfish Republican"?
The Chicago Cubs have the highest priced tickets for regular seats in all of Major League Baseball. That's like Waffle House having the highest priced food in the world.
Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he was wrong 30% of the time when it came to the economy. The other 70% of the time, he was really wrong.
Costa Rican President Oscar Arias says it is time for the Catholic Church to end celibacy for priests. I think they should end the priests' rights to teach Sunday School.
A new test could warn smokers of cancer danger. They already have that. It's called the "Surgeon General's Warning".
A survey says that CEOs are more upbeat on the prospects for job growth. This is strange. I thought CEOs only cared about their own jobs.
GM reported a $4.3 Billion loss at the end of 2009. Mainly because they produced $4.3 Billion dollars worth of cars.
Police say a man robbed a north Portland Bank of America branch on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. Even worse, the Jaguar he stole wasn't a car.
I'm still on a roll! More soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write tomorrow because I have a freaking busy day. Sorry :(
Monday, April 5, 2010
"Arrested In A Pot Bust"
Yesterday was Easter Sunday. Still no word on how the Catholic Church celebrated.
President Obama says the nation would go bankrupt without Health Care Reform. Republicans are saying that the nation will go bankrupt because of health care reform. Either way, we're screwed.
Teenagers found a body while on an Easter egg hunt in Iowa. Those teens had to explain to police what they saw, and they had to explain to their friends why they were still Easter egg hunting.
Outdoor writer Tom Stiensra was arrested in a pot bust at his home in Weed, California. Stiensra now gets to write how he got arrested with pot in a city named Weed.
Shaquille O’Neal’s mother has written about herself. Someone related to Shaq wrote about themself? I'm extremely shocked!
A study says that adolescence in humans actually ends at age 28. Apparently these people forgot to study Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James.
Today is Opening Day in the MLB. As a matter of fact, the Washington Nationals have already started to make vacation plans for October.
The New York Mets have placed Jose Reyes and Daniel Murphy on the 15-day disabled list. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could pay both of their salaries.
Republican Party chairman Michael Steele says he won’t step down because of the controversy caused by his staffers meeting at a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. This is because staffers at a sex-themed nightclub is the Republican way.
Bob Dylan canceled his tour of Asia after the Chinese government blocked his concerts in Shanghai and Beijing. After all, he does sing protest songs.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
President Obama says the nation would go bankrupt without Health Care Reform. Republicans are saying that the nation will go bankrupt because of health care reform. Either way, we're screwed.
Teenagers found a body while on an Easter egg hunt in Iowa. Those teens had to explain to police what they saw, and they had to explain to their friends why they were still Easter egg hunting.
Outdoor writer Tom Stiensra was arrested in a pot bust at his home in Weed, California. Stiensra now gets to write how he got arrested with pot in a city named Weed.
Shaquille O’Neal’s mother has written about herself. Someone related to Shaq wrote about themself? I'm extremely shocked!
A study says that adolescence in humans actually ends at age 28. Apparently these people forgot to study Charlie Sheen, Tiger Woods, and Jesse James.
Today is Opening Day in the MLB. As a matter of fact, the Washington Nationals have already started to make vacation plans for October.
The New York Mets have placed Jose Reyes and Daniel Murphy on the 15-day disabled list. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that, I could pay both of their salaries.
Republican Party chairman Michael Steele says he won’t step down because of the controversy caused by his staffers meeting at a sex-themed Hollywood nightclub. This is because staffers at a sex-themed nightclub is the Republican way.
Bob Dylan canceled his tour of Asia after the Chinese government blocked his concerts in Shanghai and Beijing. After all, he does sing protest songs.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
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