Mike Pence once said that cigarettes don’t kill. This marks the first time that Mike Pence has been indifferent towards fags.
A dog tested positive for the coronavirus in Hong Kong. Either that, or he took his owner’s “Play dead” command way too far.
Pete Davidson has released a new hour special entitled “Alive from New York”. His new hour of material was heavily criticized by comedians with seven minutes of material.
Mike Bloomberg has dropped out of the presidential race. Due to the cancellation of his campaign, YouTube was forced to lay off 50% of its workforce.
Iran has temporarily released 54,000 prisoners to combat coronavirus. And once the fear of coronavirus is over, all 54,000 of those journalists will be required to return to their prison cells.
Azriel Clary said that singer R. Kelly forced her to eat feces. Even worse, before receiving the cup, she was allegedly forced to tell R. Kelly, "Baby gimme that toot toot."
A report says that coronavirus could have a very devastating effect on America’s malls. So much so, in fact, that affected mall employees won’t be able to show up to work to put up “Mall Closing” signs.
The NBA could ban fans from games due to coronavirus. In fact, the NBA added that to properly quarantine oneself, the safest place to be where you won't be around people is a Pistons game.
A family in Australia mistakenly ordered 12 years worth of toilet paper. This should cover them for years should they have a problem in the land down under.
Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home and not participate in government activities due to his exposure to the coronavirus. Meaning he will get exactly as much done this week as he would’ve gotten done had he been elected President.
Ted Cruz will quarantine himself at his Texas home due to his exposure to the coronavirus. It’s similar to when he quarantined himself after his interaction with a same sex couple.
The Atlanta Braves played "I Saw The Sign" to troll the Houston Astros. They did this after they cheated to win the World Series in 2017 and became that year's Ace of Base-ball.
Due to coronavirus, Broadway will shut down for one month. Or in Broadway terms, forty three thouuuusand eight hundred miiiinutes.
The Cincinnati Bengals released OT Cordy Glenn. I'm not saying the Cincinnati Bengals disliked Cordy Glenn, but right before they released him, they offered to trade him to the Utah Jazz.
Donald Trump has been encouraging people to practice social distancing. If Donald Trump was a true Christian, he wouldn't say, "Practice social distancing." He'd say, "Leave room for the Holy Spirit."
Welp. That's it for now. Everything's being shut down now for an indefinite time period and I don't know what to think. Who knows how long this will last. Hopefully I get to perform standup sooner than ever, and we can go back to bombing at open mics and supporting each and every one of our friends through our dreams of becoming professional comedians!
Showing posts with label Australia. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Australia. Show all posts
Sunday, March 15, 2020
Friday, March 19, 2010
"Planning to Reinvent Itself"
Conan O’Brien is reportedly talking with the Fox network about a new talk show. Thankfully, there will not be a time slot issue with Fox. Wanda Sykes works weekends.
A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".
Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".
A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.
A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.
The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.
An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.
AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.
A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".
Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.
The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?
A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.
In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.
A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.
A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.
Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.
Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.
Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.
A study says that U.S. children are even fatter than previously believed. 6% of American kids are extremely obese. It really says something when even the U.S. calls you "extremely obese".
Secret Service Director Mark Sullivan says the organization is struggling to keep up with new technology and to field a qualified work force. To which Michelle and Tareq Salahi said, "Ain't that the truth".
A study says that men who are involved in child care at home may damage the mother’s self esteem. That same study says that men who are involved in child care have no dignity.
A report says that Bernard Madoff was attacked in prison in December, suffering several injuries. And those serious injuries were by his clients.
The Smithsonian has opened a $21 Million Evolution Hall. This evolution hall will show how Smithsonian Magazine evolved from bad to worse to just plain awful.
An NBC poll says only 17% of Americans approve of Congress. That same day, another NBC poll was released saying that 83% of Americans believe in fidelity.
AOL is planning to reinvent itself with an online news operation. AOL users were unable to hear about this because, of course, they have AOL.
A rehab center is opening in England for people hooked on the Internet and other technology. The center is called, "Amish Paradise".
Pres. Obama canceled his trip to Australia so he could be present for the health care overhaul vote. Obama says he wanted to go "down under" without leaving the country.
The Pennsylvania woman who calls herself “Jihad Jane” pleaded not guilty to terrorism charges. Because, after all, how could a woman who calls herself "Jihad Jane" be a terrorist?
A songwriter who claims he helped launch Lady Gaga’s career is suing her for the $30.5 million he thinks he’s owed. In other words, he wants money to buy four outfits for Lady Gaga.
In North Carolina, Time Warner Cable accidentally broadcast two hours of the Playboy Channel over a children’s station. People first became suspicious when they saw naked men, naked women, and a better plot.
A 52-year-old Boulder, CO woman prompted calls to police when she did some gardening in her yard topless. Who else thinks that sounds like a really gross idea for a Viagra commercial?
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. Writing below the Toyota logo said, "If you hit this sign, you probably don't play for the Cubs".
Toyota may put a logo sign above the left field bleachers at Chicago’s Wrigley Field. After all, Wrigley Field wants something in the stadium that runs away faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
New York Gov. David Paterson’s press secretary resigned, making her the fourth top staffer to recently quit. The other three top staffers worked for Eric Massa.
A New York City physician is credited with discovering the city’s taxi meter scam when he was charged $7 for a $5 ride. The taxi driver is thankful that Naomi Campbell wasn't the first one to find out.
Officials are reviewing security tapes of a New Jersey Wal-Mart store to see who said over the store’s PA system that all black people should leave. Now I know why David Paterson hates New Jersey so much.
Players from Georgia Tech are turning in their cell phones before starting the NCAA tournament. I guess no need to call them Georgia TECH anymore.
Michael Jordan became the first former NBA player to be a majority owner of an NBA team, the Charlotte Bobcats, who have never gone to the playoffs. In other news, Michael Jordan is now the majority owner of Toyota, Apple, and Citibank.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
