Mitt Romney started his White House run with a YouTube video. Romney is exactly like Rebecca Black: an annoying little girl making news on YouTube.
An Applebee’s restaurant in Michigan accidentally served a 15-month-old boy a margarita instead of apple juice. He was disoriented, whiny, and unable to walk. Then again, so are most 15-month-old boys.
Rihanna says she’d like to spank Britney Spears. I agree. She is a terrible singer, and an insult to music. And Britney Spears is pretty bad, too.
California Governor Jerry Brown says the country is the most divided it has been since the Civil War. A poll was held in response to this quote. 50% of Americans agreed, and 50% of Americans disagreed.
A teenager claims she was told she was too fat to be in the front row of a taping of “American Idol”. Being too fat certainly makes her put the "American" in "American Idol".
Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant appeared to use a homophobic slur against a referee during their game yesterday. It's the angriest Kobe has been since he was with a hotel room employee.
An Indonesian clinic says that smoking cigarettes can cure cancer and emphysema. That must explain Indonesia's new official mammal: the Camel.
Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has been hospitalized with bipolar disorder. I guess that's what being married to Michael Douglas does to you.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Smoking. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Smoking. Show all posts
Wednesday, April 13, 2011
Friday, March 25, 2011
"Dark Chocolate"
China is pushing to ban indoor smoking in most places by May 1. The only place that allows indoor smoking will now be your grandparents' house.
According to the latest census statistics, one-sixth of all Americans is Hispanic. The other five don't live in Los Angeles.
Phillies right-hand pitcher Roy Oswalt said he felt good a day after being hit in the head by a line drive. But to be fair, he did announce in the locker room that he was the best pitcher named Roy in baseball.
Ralph Nader is calling for an end to athletic scholarships in college. And you thought he couldn't get anyone to vote for him before.
A man in China reportedly bought 6.5 tons of salt. To put that in perspective, 6.5 tons of salt accounts for one french fry at Wendy's.
A group of transgender New Yorkers are suing because they are being forced to change the gender on their birth certificate. I say that next to gender on their birth certificate, they put a question mark.
Authorities in Mali have arrested four people after an aircraft loaded with 10 tons of cocaine crashed in 2009. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that she had 10 tons of chewing gum.
A Chinese news agency that more than 100 eastern Chinese villagers have suffered lead poisoning. Chinese officials are calling this horrible, while Americans call this a stereotype.
A new study says that children with Tourette syndrome have better motor control than kids who don't. How bad is it when a kid who twitches 24/7 has better motor control than you do?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
According to the latest census statistics, one-sixth of all Americans is Hispanic. The other five don't live in Los Angeles.
Phillies right-hand pitcher Roy Oswalt said he felt good a day after being hit in the head by a line drive. But to be fair, he did announce in the locker room that he was the best pitcher named Roy in baseball.
Ralph Nader is calling for an end to athletic scholarships in college. And you thought he couldn't get anyone to vote for him before.
A man in China reportedly bought 6.5 tons of salt. To put that in perspective, 6.5 tons of salt accounts for one french fry at Wendy's.
A group of transgender New Yorkers are suing because they are being forced to change the gender on their birth certificate. I say that next to gender on their birth certificate, they put a question mark.
Authorities in Mali have arrested four people after an aircraft loaded with 10 tons of cocaine crashed in 2009. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that she had 10 tons of chewing gum.
A Chinese news agency that more than 100 eastern Chinese villagers have suffered lead poisoning. Chinese officials are calling this horrible, while Americans call this a stereotype.
A new study says that children with Tourette syndrome have better motor control than kids who don't. How bad is it when a kid who twitches 24/7 has better motor control than you do?
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Wednesday, March 23, 2011
"Personal Use"
A new study says that sex can trigger heart attacks in people who rarely have it. In a related story, I just bought a defibrillator.
Singer Chris Brown trashed his dressing room and broke a window at “Good Morning America” after he was asked about his attack on Rihanna. It looks like Charlie Sheen taught him well.
On Monday night’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, Charlie Sheen burst on stage and kissed Kimmel on the lips. And who says he's not crazy?
An Office Max survey says that 56% of workers take office supplies home for personal use. I'm just thankful that this wasn't a survey for people working at a sex shop.
A new study says that menthol cigarettes aren't worse than regular cigarettes when it comes to the risk of lung cancer. How about not smoking at all?
A new study says that pimples, low self-esteem, and depression are linked. This is called "being a teenager".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Singer Chris Brown trashed his dressing room and broke a window at “Good Morning America” after he was asked about his attack on Rihanna. It looks like Charlie Sheen taught him well.
On Monday night’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live”, Charlie Sheen burst on stage and kissed Kimmel on the lips. And who says he's not crazy?
An Office Max survey says that 56% of workers take office supplies home for personal use. I'm just thankful that this wasn't a survey for people working at a sex shop.
A new study says that menthol cigarettes aren't worse than regular cigarettes when it comes to the risk of lung cancer. How about not smoking at all?
A new study says that pimples, low self-esteem, and depression are linked. This is called "being a teenager".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, March 21, 2011
"Firstborn Children"
A new study says that women that live in a smoke-free environment are less likely to develop breast cancer. The same study concluded that a smoke-free environment is healthier regardless.
A new study says that firstborn children are more likely to have food allergies. "I disagree," said my brother Brett, as he was eating a peanut butter sandwich.
Notre Dame wide receiver Michael Floyd was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunken driving. Now he's NFL ready.
A trial is beginning for a man who set fire to a predominantly black church because President Obama was elected. He's either really racist or really Republican. (or both)
A miniature train at a South Carolina park derailed and overturned on Saturday, killing a 6-year-old child. It was the biggest trainwreck involving a 6-year-old since Justin Bieber released his most recent CD.
A UCLA student had a racist rant that was targeted at Asian students in a library. To be fair, that is kind of a stereotype.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A new study says that firstborn children are more likely to have food allergies. "I disagree," said my brother Brett, as he was eating a peanut butter sandwich.
Notre Dame wide receiver Michael Floyd was arrested over the weekend on suspicion of drunken driving. Now he's NFL ready.
A trial is beginning for a man who set fire to a predominantly black church because President Obama was elected. He's either really racist or really Republican. (or both)
A miniature train at a South Carolina park derailed and overturned on Saturday, killing a 6-year-old child. It was the biggest trainwreck involving a 6-year-old since Justin Bieber released his most recent CD.
A UCLA student had a racist rant that was targeted at Asian students in a library. To be fair, that is kind of a stereotype.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, January 5, 2011
"Full Trash Bags"
About 1,300 parishioners of a Catholic Church in New York may have been exposed to hepatitis A through communion on Christmas day. I'm not sure a good Christmas gift is "the gift that keeps on giving".
In an effort to protect children, the latest version of the American classic “Huckleberry Finn” does not contain the “N-word”. They have replaced it with "Non-Caucasian young man".
Elderly people who lose their teeth may be at increased risk for dementia. In other words, elderly people are at increased risk of dementia.
A suicidal New York man jumped from a nine story window on Monday, but he was saved by a pile of full trash bags. That's absurd. NYC trash actually in trash bags?
A ten-year old astronomer was recently been declared the youngest person to ever see an exploding star. He saw Pamela Anderson's breasts.
A new report says that nearly one in three adults could own an iPad by 2015. The other two thirds are grandparents who still think an iPad is a beauty product.
The Cleveland Browns are reportedly looking for a coach who will "lead them to a championship". In other words, they are looking for a man with magical powers.
This just in from the world of technology: the popular iPhone app "Angry Birds" has a new unlockable bird: you launch it, then while it's in its path, you touch it, and it just falls to the ground and dies.
Myspace is planning to lay off up to a half of their 1,100 employees. To put that in perspective, that's 1,100 employees per Myspace user.
A company says it has developed a “less harmful” tobacco. How about a tobacco that isn't harmful at all?
Ranchers are pushing to a return to slaughtering horses for food. Like they say, "You are what you eat".
A study says that nine in ten Americans say their diet is healthy. Of those nine, eight of them followed with, "Hold on. I need to check my blood sugar.".
That's all for right now! More to come later!
In an effort to protect children, the latest version of the American classic “Huckleberry Finn” does not contain the “N-word”. They have replaced it with "Non-Caucasian young man".
Elderly people who lose their teeth may be at increased risk for dementia. In other words, elderly people are at increased risk of dementia.
A suicidal New York man jumped from a nine story window on Monday, but he was saved by a pile of full trash bags. That's absurd. NYC trash actually in trash bags?
A ten-year old astronomer was recently been declared the youngest person to ever see an exploding star. He saw Pamela Anderson's breasts.
A new report says that nearly one in three adults could own an iPad by 2015. The other two thirds are grandparents who still think an iPad is a beauty product.
The Cleveland Browns are reportedly looking for a coach who will "lead them to a championship". In other words, they are looking for a man with magical powers.
This just in from the world of technology: the popular iPhone app "Angry Birds" has a new unlockable bird: you launch it, then while it's in its path, you touch it, and it just falls to the ground and dies.
Myspace is planning to lay off up to a half of their 1,100 employees. To put that in perspective, that's 1,100 employees per Myspace user.
A company says it has developed a “less harmful” tobacco. How about a tobacco that isn't harmful at all?
Ranchers are pushing to a return to slaughtering horses for food. Like they say, "You are what you eat".
A study says that nine in ten Americans say their diet is healthy. Of those nine, eight of them followed with, "Hold on. I need to check my blood sugar.".
That's all for right now! More to come later!
Friday, November 12, 2010
"Diseased Lungs"
The federal government has proposed placing graphic images of diseased lungs on packages of cigarettes. They could also just ban cigarettes.
Researchers say Neanderthals had a raucous and promiscuous sex life. In fact, it was reported that Regis Philbin had seven mistresses.
The new French fries at Wendy’s now have sea salt. Unfortunately, so does their water.
The tuberous bushcricket has the largest testicles in relation to its body size of any known creature. That's ironic for a creature with "bush" in its name.
Two sisters in Oklahoma playing for their school golf team got holes-in-one during the same round. And they also kicked ass on the golf course, too.
Sears stores will stay open on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in their 124 year history. In fact, every Sears store combined is expected to get at least two customers.
Presumptive House Speaker John Boehner says he will travel between home and Washington, D.C. on commercial flights. I'm not sure Joe Biden got the message when he heard "Boehner coming and going".
A sex shop in Alabama offers a drive through window to buy sex toys. What do you get when you cross a drive thru with a sex shop? "Would you like fries ... with this shake?".
President Bush says he has a “clean conscience” when it came to recognizing the problems that led to the financial crisis. No, Mr. President, it wasn't your conscience that was clear. It was your brain.
Former NFL quarterback Jim McMahon says he is suffering memory loss at age 51. The real question is: how does he know what he's suffering from?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Researchers say Neanderthals had a raucous and promiscuous sex life. In fact, it was reported that Regis Philbin had seven mistresses.
The new French fries at Wendy’s now have sea salt. Unfortunately, so does their water.
The tuberous bushcricket has the largest testicles in relation to its body size of any known creature. That's ironic for a creature with "bush" in its name.
Two sisters in Oklahoma playing for their school golf team got holes-in-one during the same round. And they also kicked ass on the golf course, too.
Sears stores will stay open on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in their 124 year history. In fact, every Sears store combined is expected to get at least two customers.
Presumptive House Speaker John Boehner says he will travel between home and Washington, D.C. on commercial flights. I'm not sure Joe Biden got the message when he heard "Boehner coming and going".
A sex shop in Alabama offers a drive through window to buy sex toys. What do you get when you cross a drive thru with a sex shop? "Would you like fries ... with this shake?".
President Bush says he has a “clean conscience” when it came to recognizing the problems that led to the financial crisis. No, Mr. President, it wasn't your conscience that was clear. It was your brain.
Former NFL quarterback Jim McMahon says he is suffering memory loss at age 51. The real question is: how does he know what he's suffering from?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
"Being Dishonest"
President Obama, on the campaign trail, is telling voters that Republicans are being dishonest. Uh, Mr. President, that's called "politics".
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Saturday, September 4, 2010
"Moving To Florida"
After years of growth, Las Vegas is losing people who can't find work and think they will have better luck elsewhere. No wonder they have so many hookers.
A survey says that many Americans don't realize how fat they are. Maybe because we are too lazy to go to the doctor and find out.
The Balloon Boy's family is moving to Florida from Colorado. Of course, the six-year old boy will travel all by himself without his family knowing where he is.
A historian says that Winston Churchill targeted Benito Mussolini for assassination to cover for some embarrassing letters he wrote the Italian leader. If this applied today, Tiger Woods would have murdered all his mistresses.
Some German school children were accidentally given some pens with pornographic pictures on them as part of a gift bag from the Communist Party. What happened to the old days where students only saw their teachers naked?
An antidepressant patch does not help smokers quit as it was hoped. How about an anti-smoking patch?
Kara DioGuardi is officially leaving “American Idol”, saying it is the “best time to leave”. What makes it the best time to leave is that everybody else wanted her to leave.
A Consumer Reports survey rates McDonald’s hamburgers as the worst tasting of any chain. This could change the restaurant of choice for up to three people.
Lindsay Lohan bumped into a stroller while driving her Maserati. The question is, why can't people give Lindsay Lohan a car with a breathalyzer?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A survey says that many Americans don't realize how fat they are. Maybe because we are too lazy to go to the doctor and find out.
The Balloon Boy's family is moving to Florida from Colorado. Of course, the six-year old boy will travel all by himself without his family knowing where he is.
A historian says that Winston Churchill targeted Benito Mussolini for assassination to cover for some embarrassing letters he wrote the Italian leader. If this applied today, Tiger Woods would have murdered all his mistresses.
Some German school children were accidentally given some pens with pornographic pictures on them as part of a gift bag from the Communist Party. What happened to the old days where students only saw their teachers naked?
An antidepressant patch does not help smokers quit as it was hoped. How about an anti-smoking patch?
Kara DioGuardi is officially leaving “American Idol”, saying it is the “best time to leave”. What makes it the best time to leave is that everybody else wanted her to leave.
A Consumer Reports survey rates McDonald’s hamburgers as the worst tasting of any chain. This could change the restaurant of choice for up to three people.
Lindsay Lohan bumped into a stroller while driving her Maserati. The question is, why can't people give Lindsay Lohan a car with a breathalyzer?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
"Concussion Rates"
Lindsey Lohan's dad is planning to open up a rehab center in California. He's only doing this so Lindsay Lohan gets in free.
Pittsburgh Steeler's Troy Polamalu has insured his long hair for $1 million dollars. It's already worth more than Ben Roethlisberger.
Texas Representative Ron Paul is questioning whether there is any gold at all in Ft. Knox. He first made this assumption when someone compared Ft. Knox to Russia's Olympic medals.
While mass-market retailers have seen revenue drop the past several months, luxury retailers are experiencing high growth. This is what some people like to refer to as, "The United States Economy".
President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Malia then embarrassed President Obama by showing him the blank sheet of paper listing all of his accomplishments.
A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. If you aren't smart enough to know that shocking your nipples is a bad thing, you should probably drop out of high school.
Concussion rates are soaring among younger kids. This must explain their performance in school.
Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may decrease the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers, according to a study released Monday. Also decreasing the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers: not smoking.
Teachers in Milwaukee are fighting to get Viagra drug coverage back. Gee, I wonder why teachers would need Viagra.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Pittsburgh Steeler's Troy Polamalu has insured his long hair for $1 million dollars. It's already worth more than Ben Roethlisberger.
Texas Representative Ron Paul is questioning whether there is any gold at all in Ft. Knox. He first made this assumption when someone compared Ft. Knox to Russia's Olympic medals.
While mass-market retailers have seen revenue drop the past several months, luxury retailers are experiencing high growth. This is what some people like to refer to as, "The United States Economy".
President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Malia then embarrassed President Obama by showing him the blank sheet of paper listing all of his accomplishments.
A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. If you aren't smart enough to know that shocking your nipples is a bad thing, you should probably drop out of high school.
Concussion rates are soaring among younger kids. This must explain their performance in school.
Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may decrease the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers, according to a study released Monday. Also decreasing the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers: not smoking.
Teachers in Milwaukee are fighting to get Viagra drug coverage back. Gee, I wonder why teachers would need Viagra.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, April 19, 2010
"In Place Of Shoe Boxes"
Joke of the Day: An 86 year old pilot with bad eyesight has been blamed for a fatal crash in Ohio in 2008. I blame the people who hired him.
It's being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. So not only is the US fighting al-Qaida, but we are influencing them as well.
Bill Clinton says President Obama should look beyond judges for the upcoming Supreme Court nomination. Because when I think of people who should be Supreme Court Judges, I look for people who are not judges.
Alex Rodriguez now has more home runs than Mark McGwire, with 584. He is now in 3rd place, behind Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, on baseball's prestigious steroid users list.
Cuban cigar legend Alejandro Robaina has died at 91. He plans to be cremated with a lighter and his ashes will go in a large cigar carton.
Athletic shoe maker Puma will use reusable bags in place of shoe boxes. I guess Puma is tired of helping elementary school students with art projects.
A study says jealousy can make you blind, or at least affect the way you see things. In a sense, this means that people become less jealous overtime.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will be “thorough” with its probe of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I'm sure that the last thing Roethlisberger needs right now is a probing.
TV talk show host Conan O’Brien celebrated his 47th birthday on Sunday. NBC plans to give him a birthday present. A free haircut.
This is National Coin Week. The US Economy says that they are unable to celebrate.
Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know things in LA are crazy when even the LAPD is stopping white supremacists from fighting.
A New Jersey man is being held in police custody for intentionally vomiting on a Philadelphia Phillies fan and his daughter. Or, as the suspect calls it, "The New Jersey Experience".
An Ohio woman who became the youngest person to row across the Atlantic says she got through the journey thanks to iPods, chocolate bars and audio books. On the other hand, I'm sure these are three things that would prevent people from going in the first place.
I hope the quality of these jokes were good. More to come tomorrow and thanks for reading!
It's being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. So not only is the US fighting al-Qaida, but we are influencing them as well.
Bill Clinton says President Obama should look beyond judges for the upcoming Supreme Court nomination. Because when I think of people who should be Supreme Court Judges, I look for people who are not judges.
Alex Rodriguez now has more home runs than Mark McGwire, with 584. He is now in 3rd place, behind Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, on baseball's prestigious steroid users list.
Cuban cigar legend Alejandro Robaina has died at 91. He plans to be cremated with a lighter and his ashes will go in a large cigar carton.
Athletic shoe maker Puma will use reusable bags in place of shoe boxes. I guess Puma is tired of helping elementary school students with art projects.
A study says jealousy can make you blind, or at least affect the way you see things. In a sense, this means that people become less jealous overtime.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will be “thorough” with its probe of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I'm sure that the last thing Roethlisberger needs right now is a probing.
TV talk show host Conan O’Brien celebrated his 47th birthday on Sunday. NBC plans to give him a birthday present. A free haircut.
This is National Coin Week. The US Economy says that they are unable to celebrate.
Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know things in LA are crazy when even the LAPD is stopping white supremacists from fighting.
A New Jersey man is being held in police custody for intentionally vomiting on a Philadelphia Phillies fan and his daughter. Or, as the suspect calls it, "The New Jersey Experience".
An Ohio woman who became the youngest person to row across the Atlantic says she got through the journey thanks to iPods, chocolate bars and audio books. On the other hand, I'm sure these are three things that would prevent people from going in the first place.
I hope the quality of these jokes were good. More to come tomorrow and thanks for reading!
Thursday, April 8, 2010
"A Fat Redneck"
Joke of the Day: Oprah Winfrey says she will try to make the Oprah Winfrey Network "all that I know it can be." Unfortunately for Oprah, the Food Network has already been created.
Bristol Palin, encouraging young girls to not get pregnant, said no one knows how difficult motherhood is until “you have a screaming baby in your arms and you’re up all night”. You know, like Sarah Palin after the last election.
Mississippi Gov. Haley Barber recently called himself a “fat redneck”. Isn't that like calling yourself a "selfish Republican"?
The Chicago Cubs have the highest priced tickets for regular seats in all of Major League Baseball. That's like Waffle House having the highest priced food in the world.
Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he was wrong 30% of the time when it came to the economy. The other 70% of the time, he was really wrong.
Costa Rican President Oscar Arias says it is time for the Catholic Church to end celibacy for priests. I think they should end the priests' rights to teach Sunday School.
A new test could warn smokers of cancer danger. They already have that. It's called the "Surgeon General's Warning".
A survey says that CEOs are more upbeat on the prospects for job growth. This is strange. I thought CEOs only cared about their own jobs.
GM reported a $4.3 Billion loss at the end of 2009. Mainly because they produced $4.3 Billion dollars worth of cars.
Police say a man robbed a north Portland Bank of America branch on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. Even worse, the Jaguar he stole wasn't a car.
I'm still on a roll! More soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write tomorrow because I have a freaking busy day. Sorry :(
Bristol Palin, encouraging young girls to not get pregnant, said no one knows how difficult motherhood is until “you have a screaming baby in your arms and you’re up all night”. You know, like Sarah Palin after the last election.
Mississippi Gov. Haley Barber recently called himself a “fat redneck”. Isn't that like calling yourself a "selfish Republican"?
The Chicago Cubs have the highest priced tickets for regular seats in all of Major League Baseball. That's like Waffle House having the highest priced food in the world.
Former Fed Chairman Alan Greenspan says he was wrong 30% of the time when it came to the economy. The other 70% of the time, he was really wrong.
Costa Rican President Oscar Arias says it is time for the Catholic Church to end celibacy for priests. I think they should end the priests' rights to teach Sunday School.
A new test could warn smokers of cancer danger. They already have that. It's called the "Surgeon General's Warning".
A survey says that CEOs are more upbeat on the prospects for job growth. This is strange. I thought CEOs only cared about their own jobs.
GM reported a $4.3 Billion loss at the end of 2009. Mainly because they produced $4.3 Billion dollars worth of cars.
Police say a man robbed a north Portland Bank of America branch on Wednesday, then stole a Jaguar with two Chihuahuas inside. Even worse, the Jaguar he stole wasn't a car.
I'm still on a roll! More soon. I don't know if I'll be able to write tomorrow because I have a freaking busy day. Sorry :(
Tuesday, March 23, 2010
"Nancy Pelosi Was Ecstatic"
Speaker of the House Nancy Pelosi was ecstatic Sunday night as the House passed the health care reform bill. As a matter of fact, she was so ecstatic that she actually changed facial expressions.
Disney is demanding that only actresses without breast implants apply for roles in the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Actresses without breast implants? That's like McDonald's without fat people.
Scientists have discovered that maple syrup, poured on pancakes and waffles, is full of disease-fighting antioxidants. One disease it doesn't cure: obesity.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell favors a proposal that would modify the way the NFL handles overtime situations. This is being called "The Rule of Ben Roethlisberger". You can't end the game until she's untied.
In Pittsburgh, a fugitive wanted for bank robbery who had escaped from a local hospital was arrested in a bar wearing only his hospital gown. This is a sad situation. He was still only the fifth-goofiest looking guy there.
Not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Coming from Congress, who isn't qualified to be in any industry.
MTV is planning to broadcast its hit show “Jersey Shore” internationally. It will even be in HD in the Middle East. As a method of torture.
IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".
A new study finds that the more children a woman has, the lower her suicide risk. This study was based on the shocking fact that Kate Gosselin and the Octomom haven't killed themselves yet.
If you lose your job, you will still be covered by health insurance. "Thank God", said Dick Cheney.
On this day in 1998, the movie "Titanic" set the record for most Oscar Awards won in one night. Oh, I finally see the difference between Titanic and Avatar. Titanic wasn't just hype.
President Barack Obama on Tuesday signed a historic $938 billion health care overhaul that guarantees coverage for 32 million uninsured Americans. This also guarantees no coverage for people who opposed the bill.
The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world's hottest chili. The only weapon it can't defend: the world's largest match.
A requirement tucked into the massive U.S health care bill will make calorie counts impossible for thousands of restaurants to hide and difficult for consumers to ignore. It's impossible, however, to make consumers actually care.
According to a new study, between the years 1000 and 2000, the size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent; the bread, 23 percent; and the average pair of pants, 1065 percent.
PepsiCo Inc. plans to cut the sodium found in each serving of its key brands by one-fourth in five years, the company announced Monday. Each serving size will be cut down to one full salt shaker.
Secondhand smoke is particularly dangerous to young children, whose lungs are still developing, the American Academy of Pediatrics says. You know who else said this? My 2nd grade health textbook.
Finally from Janice Hough: At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: “I tried to stop, and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota.
That's it for right now! More tomorrow.
Disney is demanding that only actresses without breast implants apply for roles in the next “Pirates of the Caribbean” film. Actresses without breast implants? That's like McDonald's without fat people.
Scientists have discovered that maple syrup, poured on pancakes and waffles, is full of disease-fighting antioxidants. One disease it doesn't cure: obesity.
NFL commissioner Roger Goodell favors a proposal that would modify the way the NFL handles overtime situations. This is being called "The Rule of Ben Roethlisberger". You can't end the game until she's untied.
In Pittsburgh, a fugitive wanted for bank robbery who had escaped from a local hospital was arrested in a bar wearing only his hospital gown. This is a sad situation. He was still only the fifth-goofiest looking guy there.
Not a single Republican voted for the health care bill. They claim the U.S. government isn’t qualified to be in the health care business. Coming from Congress, who isn't qualified to be in any industry.
MTV is planning to broadcast its hit show “Jersey Shore” internationally. It will even be in HD in the Middle East. As a method of torture.
IHOP is considering adding calorie count to its menus. Customers were stunned when they saw the calories in their foods. One customer even said, "How do they know my phone number?".
A new study finds that the more children a woman has, the lower her suicide risk. This study was based on the shocking fact that Kate Gosselin and the Octomom haven't killed themselves yet.
If you lose your job, you will still be covered by health insurance. "Thank God", said Dick Cheney.
On this day in 1998, the movie "Titanic" set the record for most Oscar Awards won in one night. Oh, I finally see the difference between Titanic and Avatar. Titanic wasn't just hype.
President Barack Obama on Tuesday signed a historic $938 billion health care overhaul that guarantees coverage for 32 million uninsured Americans. This also guarantees no coverage for people who opposed the bill.
The Indian military has a new weapon against terrorism: the world's hottest chili. The only weapon it can't defend: the world's largest match.
A requirement tucked into the massive U.S health care bill will make calorie counts impossible for thousands of restaurants to hide and difficult for consumers to ignore. It's impossible, however, to make consumers actually care.
According to a new study, between the years 1000 and 2000, the size of the main dish grew 69 percent; the size of the plate, 66 percent; the bread, 23 percent; and the average pair of pants, 1065 percent.
PepsiCo Inc. plans to cut the sodium found in each serving of its key brands by one-fourth in five years, the company announced Monday. Each serving size will be cut down to one full salt shaker.
Secondhand smoke is particularly dangerous to young children, whose lungs are still developing, the American Academy of Pediatrics says. You know who else said this? My 2nd grade health textbook.
Finally from Janice Hough: At one point during his ESPN interview, Tiger Woods said of his repeated affairs: “I tried to stop, and I couldn’t stop. And it was just, it was horrific.” Well, he may have lost a lot of endorsement contracts, but I think Tiger is well on his way to becoming the new spokesman for Toyota.
That's it for right now! More tomorrow.
Thursday, February 25, 2010
"Female-Only Toilets"
Toyota president Akio Toyoda testified before a Congressional committee on the recent troubles with the company’s cars. He also begged Congress to let him get a legal name change.
Carter’s, the baby apparel company, named a new board member, Wednesday. The company liked the success that he had at eTrade.
Starting next month, Japans All Nippon Airways will provide female-only toilets on most international flights. The main difference is that the seat puts itself down.
A new study finds that eating a lot of fat, especially the kind that's in cookies and pastries, can significantly raise the risk of stroke for women over 50. This study also suggested that Osama was behind 9/11 and that teenage pregnancy is up.
A study says that faces can give away a person's political party affiliation. For example, you can tell someone is Republican if their face has tears on it.
A study says that cigarette smokers have lower IQs than non-smokers. Their IQs are especially lower when it comes to the dangers of smoking.
R&B star Chris Brown doesn’t think anyone has the right to judge Tiger Woods. Who's going to defend him next? John Edwards?
Lindsay Lohan said that her love of women "surprised her". No, not that she loved women, but that anyone would love her back.
That's all I have for today, and I hope to have better jokes tomorrow!
Carter’s, the baby apparel company, named a new board member, Wednesday. The company liked the success that he had at eTrade.
Starting next month, Japans All Nippon Airways will provide female-only toilets on most international flights. The main difference is that the seat puts itself down.
A new study finds that eating a lot of fat, especially the kind that's in cookies and pastries, can significantly raise the risk of stroke for women over 50. This study also suggested that Osama was behind 9/11 and that teenage pregnancy is up.
A study says that faces can give away a person's political party affiliation. For example, you can tell someone is Republican if their face has tears on it.
A study says that cigarette smokers have lower IQs than non-smokers. Their IQs are especially lower when it comes to the dangers of smoking.
R&B star Chris Brown doesn’t think anyone has the right to judge Tiger Woods. Who's going to defend him next? John Edwards?
Lindsay Lohan said that her love of women "surprised her". No, not that she loved women, but that anyone would love her back.
That's all I have for today, and I hope to have better jokes tomorrow!
Saturday, February 20, 2010
"A Dark Pool Of Political Corruption"
Major League Baseball has banned guns and other deadly weapons from the clubhouse. They have also given Gilbert Arenas a lifetime ban.
Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"
A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.
A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.
The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.
The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.
Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.
A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.
Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.
FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.
Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!
Cyber experts say that computer jargon baffles many users and hinders computer security. When I heard this, I was like, "OMG, WTF?"
A study says that dim lighting encourages dishonest and unethical behavior. The study has been entitled, "What we learned from watching pornography".
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "A half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". To which tobacco companies said, "You mean those untold millions of Americans who don't read the Surgeon General's Warning?"
The Obama Administration is asking the Supreme Court to allow the government to seek $300 Billion from tobacco companies for "Half century of deception that cost lives and damaged the health of untold millions of Americans". That's strange, considering the leader of the Obama Administration is an avid smoker.
A study by the University of Illinois at Chicago says that Chicago has been a dark pool of political corruption for more than a century. As opposed to Wrigley Field, which is a dark pool of the corruption of the home team for just over a century.
The National Enquirer is in the running for a Pulitzer Prize for articles revealing the John Edwards sex scandal. In a related story, Mahmoud Ahmadenijad is up for the Nobel Peace Prize and Kanye West nominated Taylor Swift for a VMA award.
The Olympics topped “American Idol” in the ratings Wednesday, the first time Idol has finished second in six years. Normally, when something related to American Idol finishes second, they announce in a magazine interview that they are gay.
Hilary Duff is engaged to Edmonton Oilers forward Mike Comrie. This is actually history in the making. Comrie is the first male fan Hilary Duff has ever had.
A family has recently decided to keep a 100-pound capybara as a house pet. In fact, they even gave it a name: Kirstie.
Rapper Lil' Wayne recently underwent 8 root canals. He had good behavior during them all, so his dentist gave him a li-li-li-li-li-li-lolly-lollipop.
FBI officials formally closed the anthrax attacks case Friday after concluding a government researcher acted alone in the attacks. They had no leads because the only clues they received were from an unknown elementary school who kept asking the investigators if they were scared.
Well, that's it for today! I hope you enjoyed these all! Definitely more tomorrow!
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