"Signs Of Being In Love"

Justin Bieber spent $75k at a Miami strip club in one night. Really? All that in one night? Wow, those guys must have been really good.

A speechwriter for President Bush said President Obama plagiarized the SOTU address. It showed when Obama talked about his knowledge of shapes.

Cincinnati was named the least happy place to work in by Forbes. This is mainly because at two of those places, people have to work with me.

An 8th grade blind kid in Vermont made a shot in a basketball game. After the game, he beat Dwight Howard in a free throw shooting contest.

A new bra opens only when a woman’s body shows signs of being in love. If that bra could hold cases of things, a woman in my presence could be trusted with the Mona Lisa.

A man in Florida was arrested for attacking his wife with a banana. As to why he used a banana, the man said, "I was out of turtle shells."

A study says that bad memories can be erased by electroconvulsive therapy. When I read that I was shocked, then for some reason I forgot about the study.

George Zimmerman is now on Twitter. I follow his account, but I'm following it from 20 feet behind because it's wearing a hoodie and I'm suspicious.

A Utah polygamist with five wives and 24 children is getting a reality show on TLC. I'm just surprised he can tell them apart.

\A four year old boy in England has an IQ of 160. In fact, he's currently working with top scientists to develop a cure for cooties.

A school in Texas has banned red and green from its winter party. They should also ban white people because as far as I know, Santa is white.

That's all I have for right now. Well damn, I had my surgery, and I'm basically fully recovered. I feel fantastic (and yes, that's your cue to stop asking how my GOT DAMN JAW IS). Now, if only there was a surgery that could make my jokes funnier because damn I need help. Anyway, more to come soon!

"Killing Elephants"

A shipwreck has been found in Lake Michigan. This is not to be mistaken for the city of Detroit, which is a complete trainwreck.

Judge Judy fell ill during a taping of her show and was hospitalized after starting talking gibberish. If you hospitalize people for talking gibberish during a show, someone better inspect the set of Maury Povich.

A town in Ohio has taken the word “Easter” out of its annual egg hunt. Who comes and hides the eggs? The non-denominational man in the bunny suit?

A woman is suing a plastic surgeon because she can’t close her eyes completely following surgery. Someone should enter that chick in a staring contest.

A new website helps college students arrange for casual sex hookups. The website is called "Meetmeontheroof.com".

The CEO of GoDaddy is being criticized for killing elephants. In a related story, Oprah has gone into hiding.

A survey says that 85% of women are annoyed by their Facebook friends. The other 15% of women don't have friends on Spring Break.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!