Joke of the Day: A study says that fish fear their own reflections and won’t stare at themselves in a mirror. Who knew so many fish lived in Hollywood?
Pres. Obama’s National Intelligence Director Dennis Blair is resigning this month after a tumultuous 16-month tenure. This is different from former President Bush, who didn't have anything to do with intelligence.
McDonald’s Corp. CEO Jim Skinner announced that the corporate clown Ronald McDonald will not be retiring. I thought the corporate clown was their CEO.
A parents group is threatening CBS with challenges if they continue to use the title “$#!% My Dad Says” for one of their newly announced shows. $#!% My Dad Says? CBS already has a show like that. It's called "The Late Show With David Letterman".
A man who told police that God told him to walk the streets naked to save his soul has been arrested. Strangely enough, the man's name was Adam.
The Netherlands has launched a special driving exam for people who suffer from acute test anxiety. It's called, "If You Are Scared To Drive, Get A Taxi".
Officials say a mix-up led a school bus driver in northern New Jersey to start to take students to an amusement park instead of school. I guess New Jersey doesn't suck after all.
AAA says that more people will be on the highway for the Memorial Day Weekend than last year. In an unrelated story, AA says that their members shouldn't be on the highway period.
A Goldman Sachs economist says that the debt crisis is good for the Euro. Then again, what does a guy from Goldman Sachs know about what's good for money?
A survey says that 63% of married women would rather sleep, watch a movie or read than have sex. That same survey said that 100% of men would rather have sex than watch a movie, sleep, or read.
A study says that belly fat is linked with the shrinkage of brain volume. In that case, how come people say I'm so smart?
That's all for now. One of my fellow comedy writing friends, Neil Berliner, just called me "Rookie of the Year". I'm really excited that I'm that good at writing jokes. More later!
Showing posts with label Driving. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Driving. Show all posts
Friday, May 21, 2010
Saturday, April 24, 2010
"Their First Gay Character"
Joke of the Day: Detroit is looking to reclaim its agricultural past as people are growing community gardens in abandoned lots. In a related story, flowers were spotted in the Detroit Lions' end zone.
88 year old Prince Philip of England injured his ankle while driving a carriage. It could be worse. At least he wasn't driving a Toyota.
A survey says that one in five Americans is worried about losing their job in the next twelve months. The other four Americans are sleeping with their boss.
A study says that laughter brings the same effects as exercise. This explains why fans of "Two and a Half Men" are so fat.
A pregnant Massachusetts woman has been arrested for stabbing three people. Police were seriously concerned when the woman said, "Well, I was going to have triplets".
Archie Comics will introduce their first gay character, named Kevin Keller. However, he is nowhere near as important as his great-great-great grandmother, Helen.
The biggest study ever about the effects of cell phones on health is taking place in Europe. It's so big that the study area includes a race track for texting.
Joni Mitchell says that Bob Dylan is a plagiarist. Bob Dylan couldn't be a plagiarist. There weren't any other white non-racists in the 1960's.
The Boy Scouts have been ordered to pay an Oregon man $18.5 Million in an abuse case. The Boy Scouts paid $18.5 million dollars? They must have sold an awful lot of popcorn.
German researchers have developed technology that can allow people to drive where there eyes are looking. I must ask, how can somebody drive into the back of their eyelids?
A White House Adviser has recently said that President Obama loves pie. Here's how much he loves it: Obama eats more pie than our government eats our tax dollars.
A Riverside County man was arrested for allegedly stealing dozens of fire hydrants. I don't know about anybody else, but I think his dog is going to have one hell of a Christmas.
Well, a great day for my writing! More tomorrow!!!!!!
88 year old Prince Philip of England injured his ankle while driving a carriage. It could be worse. At least he wasn't driving a Toyota.
A survey says that one in five Americans is worried about losing their job in the next twelve months. The other four Americans are sleeping with their boss.
A study says that laughter brings the same effects as exercise. This explains why fans of "Two and a Half Men" are so fat.
A pregnant Massachusetts woman has been arrested for stabbing three people. Police were seriously concerned when the woman said, "Well, I was going to have triplets".
Archie Comics will introduce their first gay character, named Kevin Keller. However, he is nowhere near as important as his great-great-great grandmother, Helen.
The biggest study ever about the effects of cell phones on health is taking place in Europe. It's so big that the study area includes a race track for texting.
Joni Mitchell says that Bob Dylan is a plagiarist. Bob Dylan couldn't be a plagiarist. There weren't any other white non-racists in the 1960's.
The Boy Scouts have been ordered to pay an Oregon man $18.5 Million in an abuse case. The Boy Scouts paid $18.5 million dollars? They must have sold an awful lot of popcorn.
German researchers have developed technology that can allow people to drive where there eyes are looking. I must ask, how can somebody drive into the back of their eyelids?
A White House Adviser has recently said that President Obama loves pie. Here's how much he loves it: Obama eats more pie than our government eats our tax dollars.
A Riverside County man was arrested for allegedly stealing dozens of fire hydrants. I don't know about anybody else, but I think his dog is going to have one hell of a Christmas.
Well, a great day for my writing! More tomorrow!!!!!!
Wednesday, March 10, 2010
"Drugged Driving"
College professors are starting to ban laptop computers from the classroom. They are sick of teaching the class via Twitter updates.
Mike Dunleavy was fired as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after resigning as Head Coach. The team statement says “The Clippers want to win now.” I think it would help the Clippers if they were a professional basketball team.
The U.S. says that “Drugged driving” is a growing threat on the nation’s highways. Actually, they meant "drunken driving", but the U.S. had a bad cold today.
South Africa wants a billion condoms imported for the upcoming World Cup. I like their intentions, but condoms won't solve their trafficking problem.
Chad Ochocinco says dancing is really hard because it's not something he's used to doing. At least not outside an end zone.
Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 years old today. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and caused the world's strongest hurricane.
Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress after sexual harassment allegations, said Tuesday that he groped a male staffer but denied that it was sexual. That's like gaining weight and saying food was not involved.
A study says that the number of millionaires in the U.S. went up 16% last year. The other 84% were either already millionaires, in serious poverty, or holders of health insurance policies.
Harry Smith from “The Early Show” on CBS had a colonoscopy live on the air. Talk about a gruesome sight. It was so bad that people actually preferred to watch NBC.
That's it for tonight. Sorry but I have to go. Goodbye!
Mike Dunleavy was fired as General Manager of the Los Angeles Clippers after resigning as Head Coach. The team statement says “The Clippers want to win now.” I think it would help the Clippers if they were a professional basketball team.
The U.S. says that “Drugged driving” is a growing threat on the nation’s highways. Actually, they meant "drunken driving", but the U.S. had a bad cold today.
South Africa wants a billion condoms imported for the upcoming World Cup. I like their intentions, but condoms won't solve their trafficking problem.
Chad Ochocinco says dancing is really hard because it's not something he's used to doing. At least not outside an end zone.
Happy Birthday to Chuck Norris, who turns 70 years old today. When it was time to sing Happy Birthday, he made a wish, blew out the candles, and caused the world's strongest hurricane.
Former Rep. Eric Massa, who resigned from Congress after sexual harassment allegations, said Tuesday that he groped a male staffer but denied that it was sexual. That's like gaining weight and saying food was not involved.
A study says that the number of millionaires in the U.S. went up 16% last year. The other 84% were either already millionaires, in serious poverty, or holders of health insurance policies.
Harry Smith from “The Early Show” on CBS had a colonoscopy live on the air. Talk about a gruesome sight. It was so bad that people actually preferred to watch NBC.
That's it for tonight. Sorry but I have to go. Goodbye!
Thursday, February 4, 2010
"Toyota's New Slogan"
Hi everybody! Happy laughing at these monologue jokes!
Toyota acknowledged design problems with the brakes with Prius. Well the Prius doesn't have an accelerator, so it may as well have problems with the brake.
A tax court has ruled that the cost of a sex change operation is deductible. So if you're changing from a man to a woman, that's the second thing that's being deducted (besides your manhood).
Toyota's new slogan: Moving Forward. And Forward. And Forward. And Forward...
The CEO of Carnival Cruise Lines was given a raise to $7.2 Million in 2009 despite the company's profits falling. Carnival Cruise Lines just wanted to follow the trend of major insurance companies.
NBC says Frances Reid, who played matriarch Alice Horton on "Days of Our Lives" for four decades, has died in Los Angeles. She was 95. She will be remembered as the Brett Favre of soap operas.
A study is trying to find out how much physical abuse the human body can take. Even more chilling, they are going to use actual people.
Because of the hurricanes, thousands of State Farm policies in Florida are being cut. Instead, the people cut off from State Farm will switch to ColonialPenn or AARP.
Some schools across the country are rethinking their ban on cell phones and using them as a learning tool. Ironically, some of those schools are driving schools.
A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. Unfortunately, Rush Limbaugh heard about this.
A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. It's called, "The Larry King pill".
Heinz is changing its Ketchup packet. The packet will now have enough ketchup for two french fries.
A man who allegedly attacked crew members on a US airways flight to Pittsburgh said he was high on medical marijuana cookies. Lots and lots of medical marijuana cookies.
An executive for CBS said that Katie Couric should stay at CBS for a long time. Thank God he wasn't talking about Letterman.
About 40 percent of cancers could be prevented if people stopped smoking and overeating, limited their alcohol, exercised regularly and got vaccines targeting cancer-causing infections, experts say. In other words, BE HEALTHY!
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says Florida is "for the old people" and that no one wants to take a vacation in Iowa. Well gee, I guess Arnold is starting to make sense now.
Well everyone, that's it! I hope you laughed at these and I hope you liked them!
P.S.: I found a hilarious Facebook group: Don't Kanye Me Or I Will Chris Brown You And Tiger Woods Your Mother.
Toyota acknowledged design problems with the brakes with Prius. Well the Prius doesn't have an accelerator, so it may as well have problems with the brake.
A tax court has ruled that the cost of a sex change operation is deductible. So if you're changing from a man to a woman, that's the second thing that's being deducted (besides your manhood).
Toyota's new slogan: Moving Forward. And Forward. And Forward. And Forward...
The CEO of Carnival Cruise Lines was given a raise to $7.2 Million in 2009 despite the company's profits falling. Carnival Cruise Lines just wanted to follow the trend of major insurance companies.
NBC says Frances Reid, who played matriarch Alice Horton on "Days of Our Lives" for four decades, has died in Los Angeles. She was 95. She will be remembered as the Brett Favre of soap operas.
A study is trying to find out how much physical abuse the human body can take. Even more chilling, they are going to use actual people.
Because of the hurricanes, thousands of State Farm policies in Florida are being cut. Instead, the people cut off from State Farm will switch to ColonialPenn or AARP.
Some schools across the country are rethinking their ban on cell phones and using them as a learning tool. Ironically, some of those schools are driving schools.
A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. Unfortunately, Rush Limbaugh heard about this.
A pill has been developed that reportedly could help people live to be 100. It's called, "The Larry King pill".
Heinz is changing its Ketchup packet. The packet will now have enough ketchup for two french fries.
A man who allegedly attacked crew members on a US airways flight to Pittsburgh said he was high on medical marijuana cookies. Lots and lots of medical marijuana cookies.
An executive for CBS said that Katie Couric should stay at CBS for a long time. Thank God he wasn't talking about Letterman.
About 40 percent of cancers could be prevented if people stopped smoking and overeating, limited their alcohol, exercised regularly and got vaccines targeting cancer-causing infections, experts say. In other words, BE HEALTHY!
California Gov. Arnold Schwarzenegger says Florida is "for the old people" and that no one wants to take a vacation in Iowa. Well gee, I guess Arnold is starting to make sense now.
Well everyone, that's it! I hope you laughed at these and I hope you liked them!
P.S.: I found a hilarious Facebook group: Don't Kanye Me Or I Will Chris Brown You And Tiger Woods Your Mother.
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