HELLO!!! OMFG THIS IS MY 200TH POST!!!
Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.
Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?
President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.
NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.
Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.
British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.
Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.
A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.
Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...
A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.
The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?
A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Showing posts with label Mahmoud Ahmadenijad. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Mahmoud Ahmadenijad. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
"September Effect"
The wealthiest members of Congress grew even richer in 2009, with the top 50 members of Congress worth a combined $1.4 Billion. In that case, why are they voting to give themselves payraises?
An Iranian newspaper says that the wife of French President Nikolas Sarkozy deserves death because of her "perverted lifestyle". This is a country who thinks Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a good example.
Investors are bracing for the "September effect" where stocks traditionally do worse than in other months. In other words, stocks are almost exactly like the New York Mets.
President Obama says now that the War in Iraq is over, the top priority is to fix the economy. These acts are known as "Operation George W. Who?".
Wrigley Field in Chicago is offering a peanut free skybox for people with food allergies. In fact, they have even made modifications to baseball tradition for these people. Now, during "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", lyrics were changed to, "Don't buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack".
The Miami Dolphins stopped practice to crawl over the field looking for a $50,000 earring dropped by defensive end Kendall Langford. Did they check his helmet?
The CEO of Facebook asked that his private life be kept out of a lawsuit about the company. This is the first time that "Facebook" and "private life" have been used in the same sentence.
A California woman got stuck in the chimney of her boyfriend’s house and was found dead days later. You know you are fat when Santa Claus doesn't get stuck in the chimney and you do.
The United States defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. This is the first time that "United States defeated Iran" has been used in a sentence together.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An Iranian newspaper says that the wife of French President Nikolas Sarkozy deserves death because of her "perverted lifestyle". This is a country who thinks Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a good example.
Investors are bracing for the "September effect" where stocks traditionally do worse than in other months. In other words, stocks are almost exactly like the New York Mets.
President Obama says now that the War in Iraq is over, the top priority is to fix the economy. These acts are known as "Operation George W. Who?".
Wrigley Field in Chicago is offering a peanut free skybox for people with food allergies. In fact, they have even made modifications to baseball tradition for these people. Now, during "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", lyrics were changed to, "Don't buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack".
The Miami Dolphins stopped practice to crawl over the field looking for a $50,000 earring dropped by defensive end Kendall Langford. Did they check his helmet?
The CEO of Facebook asked that his private life be kept out of a lawsuit about the company. This is the first time that "Facebook" and "private life" have been used in the same sentence.
A California woman got stuck in the chimney of her boyfriend’s house and was found dead days later. You know you are fat when Santa Claus doesn't get stuck in the chimney and you do.
The United States defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. This is the first time that "United States defeated Iran" has been used in a sentence together.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, July 2, 2010
"Not Always Bad"
Joke of the Day: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said that he'll ban Coca-Cola from Iran. That's like playing the Los Angeles Lakers and double-teaming the waterboy.
Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.
A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.
July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.
Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.
President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.
Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".
The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.
UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?
The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.
A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.
July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.
Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.
President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.
Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".
The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.
UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?
The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
"The iPhone Is Addicting"
Last week was National Procrastination Week. Isn't it ironic that I'm telling you this now?
Last week was National Cheerleading Week. This week is National Celebrate An Actual Sport Week.
Voter turnout in Iraq for the country’s parliamentary elections over the weekend came in at 62%. Strangely, only 120% those votes went to Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.
A new Stanford Univ. study confirmed that use of the iPhone is addicting. Stanford students were quick to react. "OMG IM ADICTID TO DIS TING?!?"
Today was the first day that gay couples could legally marry in Washington. In fact, Senator Roy Ashburn and former Senator Larry Craig have announced a bathroom wedding.
A television producer has pleaded guilty to trying to shake down David Letterman over the comic's sexual affairs. I should have seen this coming. I saw the guy writing Letterman's confession on cue cards.
Andy Richter, Conan O'Brien's sidekick on "The Tonight Show," is acknowledging some ill will toward NBC and Jay Leno in the wake of the network's late-night upheaval. Richter was frustrated when he found out that he wasn't going to get $30 million.
The Oklahoma City council has unanimously approved a proposal that could bring an American Le Mans Series Grand Prix race to the city as soon as next year. It will likely replace the one in Seattle.
The Cincinnati Bengals have admitted "some interest" in Terrell Owens. No, not as a wide receiver, but as Chad Ochocinco's dancing partner.
A clinical trial has been announced for a drug that helps with gastroesophageal reflux disease, or GERD. Those who go and can spell gastroesophageal will win a lifetime supply of the drug.
About 16 percent of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 are infected with genital herpes, U.S. health officials said on Tuesday. The other 84 percent of Americans are not politicians.
Federal officials are sending two investigators to California to determine what caused a Toyota Prius to race out of control on a San Diego-area freeway. Or, America could save money and see that the Prius is made by Toyota.
Senator Orrin Hatch says if Democrats try to push the health care bill through it will destroy our government's bipartisanship. Hatch then realized that you can't destroy something that doesn't exist.
Today is National Panic Day. AAAAAAH!!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER"?
That's it for today! I'll be back tomorrow. Become my follower!
Last week was National Cheerleading Week. This week is National Celebrate An Actual Sport Week.
Voter turnout in Iraq for the country’s parliamentary elections over the weekend came in at 62%. Strangely, only 120% those votes went to Mahmoud Ahmadenijad.
A new Stanford Univ. study confirmed that use of the iPhone is addicting. Stanford students were quick to react. "OMG IM ADICTID TO DIS TING?!?"
Today was the first day that gay couples could legally marry in Washington. In fact, Senator Roy Ashburn and former Senator Larry Craig have announced a bathroom wedding.
A television producer has pleaded guilty to trying to shake down David Letterman over the comic's sexual affairs. I should have seen this coming. I saw the guy writing Letterman's confession on cue cards.
Andy Richter, Conan O'Brien's sidekick on "The Tonight Show," is acknowledging some ill will toward NBC and Jay Leno in the wake of the network's late-night upheaval. Richter was frustrated when he found out that he wasn't going to get $30 million.
The Oklahoma City council has unanimously approved a proposal that could bring an American Le Mans Series Grand Prix race to the city as soon as next year. It will likely replace the one in Seattle.
The Cincinnati Bengals have admitted "some interest" in Terrell Owens. No, not as a wide receiver, but as Chad Ochocinco's dancing partner.
A clinical trial has been announced for a drug that helps with gastroesophageal reflux disease, or GERD. Those who go and can spell gastroesophageal will win a lifetime supply of the drug.
About 16 percent of Americans between the ages of 14 and 49 are infected with genital herpes, U.S. health officials said on Tuesday. The other 84 percent of Americans are not politicians.
Federal officials are sending two investigators to California to determine what caused a Toyota Prius to race out of control on a San Diego-area freeway. Or, America could save money and see that the Prius is made by Toyota.
Senator Orrin Hatch says if Democrats try to push the health care bill through it will destroy our government's bipartisanship. Hatch then realized that you can't destroy something that doesn't exist.
Today is National Panic Day. AAAAAAH!!! WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME THIS EARLIER"?
That's it for today! I'll be back tomorrow. Become my follower!
Sunday, March 7, 2010
"A Big Lie"
The American-born spokesman for al-Qaida has been arrested by Pakistani intelligence officers in the southern city of Karachi. In court, he is expected to plead "irony".
A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. She only proved that she was drinking when she did this. Her breast milk was mostly alcohol.
Authorities say a gunman has been killed and an off-duty officer injured in a shootout outside a Walmart store in the east Texas city of Commerce. Strangely enough, the officer that was shot was more lifelike than the Walmart security.
Kathy Griffin recently said that Sarah Palin was "a gift that keeps on giving". This, coming from "a gift that nobody wants".
Ronnie White, who is able to memorize the order of a deck of cards in 1.5 minutes, will go on to represent the United States at the World Memory Championships in Guangzhou, China in November. The winner will receive the "Get A Life" award.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". He also called his election "the absolute truth", Simon Cowell "too nice" and the New York Knicks "Team of the Century".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". I'm getting the idea that Ahmadenijad doubles as Joe Wilson.
President Barack Obama praised the Iraqi people for passing "an important milestone" Sunday, when millions turned out for national elections. Strangely enough, the person who was elected promised big things but didn't do anything.
New Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the democrat for which it stands, one nation underground, irresponsible, with obesity and taxes for all.
My friend's pledge: I pledge allegiance to the financial department of the United States of America, and to the budget which it screwed up, one nation under debt, incompetent, with income and revenue for China.
That's it for now! I feel like I'm back in a groove! More tomorrow!
A woman in jail for public intoxication was accused of assaulting a jailer by squirting breast milk at her. She only proved that she was drinking when she did this. Her breast milk was mostly alcohol.
Authorities say a gunman has been killed and an off-duty officer injured in a shootout outside a Walmart store in the east Texas city of Commerce. Strangely enough, the officer that was shot was more lifelike than the Walmart security.
Kathy Griffin recently said that Sarah Palin was "a gift that keeps on giving". This, coming from "a gift that nobody wants".
Ronnie White, who is able to memorize the order of a deck of cards in 1.5 minutes, will go on to represent the United States at the World Memory Championships in Guangzhou, China in November. The winner will receive the "Get A Life" award.
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". He also called his election "the absolute truth", Simon Cowell "too nice" and the New York Knicks "Team of the Century".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad called the 9/11 attacks "a big lie". I'm getting the idea that Ahmadenijad doubles as Joe Wilson.
President Barack Obama praised the Iraqi people for passing "an important milestone" Sunday, when millions turned out for national elections. Strangely enough, the person who was elected promised big things but didn't do anything.
New Pledge of Allegiance: I pledge allegiance to the flag of the United States of America, and to the democrat for which it stands, one nation underground, irresponsible, with obesity and taxes for all.
My friend's pledge: I pledge allegiance to the financial department of the United States of America, and to the budget which it screwed up, one nation under debt, incompetent, with income and revenue for China.
That's it for now! I feel like I'm back in a groove! More tomorrow!
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