A study says that Facebook users are big on trust and close relationships. Because when I think of Facebook, two words that come to mind are "trust" and "relationships".
New technology has been unable to solve the 18 minute gap in the Watergate tapes and researchers say they will probably never know what was on it. And Sarah Palin responded, "We can go ask Richard Nixon what was on it. I mean he was there, right?".
A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Ironically, the baby was 7 pounds, 11 ounces.
A woman in Colorado gave birth at a 7-11. Why a 7-11? Was the sewer system not available?
A survey says Americans strongly believe that having a father and mother at home is essential for a child’s happiness. In other words, sorry black babies.
A report says that only 12% of high school students get enough exercise. The other 88% own an XBOX.
IBM has turned 100 years old. In fact, IBM is so old, it now stands for "Irregular Bowel Movements".
A poll says that President Obama would lose to a generic Republican candidate. The poll was taken at FOX News.
Japan has created steak from human feces. What do you call a restaurant that sells this? Crapplebees.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Laziness. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Laziness. Show all posts
Saturday, June 18, 2011
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
"Signature Phrases"
A New York congressman received a bloody pig’s foot in the mail. Nobody does that. No, I'm not talking about sending a bloody pig's foot. I'm talking about the fact that nobody checks their mail anymore.
Katie Couric is reportedly leaving the anchor’s chair of the CBS Nightly News. It's the first time any CBS employee has been able to leave a chair in ten years.
Researchers say the brain of a food addict reacts the same way anticipating a milkshake as a drug addict’s brain anticipates drugs. They are also the only things that get fat people and druggies off the couch.
Bristol Palin was paid $262,000 in 2009 for her work in discouraging teen pregnancy and encouraging abstinence. This is a classic case of "practice what you preach" gone completely wrong.
Charlie Sheen has applied to trademark twenty-two of the signature phrases for which he’s become known. Not among them: "It burns when I pee".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Katie Couric is reportedly leaving the anchor’s chair of the CBS Nightly News. It's the first time any CBS employee has been able to leave a chair in ten years.
Researchers say the brain of a food addict reacts the same way anticipating a milkshake as a drug addict’s brain anticipates drugs. They are also the only things that get fat people and druggies off the couch.
Bristol Palin was paid $262,000 in 2009 for her work in discouraging teen pregnancy and encouraging abstinence. This is a classic case of "practice what you preach" gone completely wrong.
Charlie Sheen has applied to trademark twenty-two of the signature phrases for which he’s become known. Not among them: "It burns when I pee".
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 14, 2011
"Money For Nothing"
Andy Rooney is 92 years old today. Now, "60 Minutes" refers to the amount of time everyone thinks he has to live.
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.
The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?
A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?
Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.
Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?
The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.
Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".
A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.
The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?
A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?
Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.
Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?
The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.
Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".
A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, June 4, 2010
"Eat Pray Love"
Joke of the Day: The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.
Congress took a 10-day break without funding summer youth programs, just as school is letting out for the summer. Or, as Congress calls it, "business as usual".
The federal government sent BP a bill for $69 million for costs they incurred in cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. Getting paid $69 million for something unsuccessful? BP could play for the New York Mets.
The new film “Eat Pray Love” has been given an MPAA rating of PG-13, a downgrade from the R it originally received. Eat Pray Love? That sounds like what Tiger Woods' memoir would be if he was fat.
Many people inside baseball are labeling umpire Jim Joyce’s botched final out call that cost a Detroit pitcher a perfect game “the worst call in the history of baseball”. Besides, of course, letting Jim Joyce umpire that game.
A Waffle House employee has survived without serious injury after three teens took off without paying and he clung to the hood of their car. Because if you can survive working at Waffle House, you can survive anything.
A new report shows one in five high school students have taken a prescription drug that they didn't get from a doctor. The other four can't afford to see a doctor.
Gary Coleman's parents are seeking custody of his remains. In fact, they have already picked out the water bottle that they will store them in.
The toxic metal cadmium was discovered in a McDonald’s drinking glass. One thing's for sure: it's less toxic than the McDonald's soft drinks themselves.
President Bush says that he would waterboard prisoners again. That's weird. Usually prisoners are ridden by other prisoners.
An online jobs index is at the highest level since 2008. That is, the highest level of people looking for a job.
A study says the most popular day to watch Internet porn is Sunday. Which is strange, because aren't people supposed to go to church and be holy on Sundays?
A study says that American teenagers are drinking less soda, but still not exercising. The study is called, "Being too lazy to go to the fridge".
A study shows that to get rid of fat, people should avoid eating before working out. Well, I like to call that, "Less calories to burn".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Congress took a 10-day break without funding summer youth programs, just as school is letting out for the summer. Or, as Congress calls it, "business as usual".
The federal government sent BP a bill for $69 million for costs they incurred in cleaning up the Gulf oil spill. Getting paid $69 million for something unsuccessful? BP could play for the New York Mets.
The new film “Eat Pray Love” has been given an MPAA rating of PG-13, a downgrade from the R it originally received. Eat Pray Love? That sounds like what Tiger Woods' memoir would be if he was fat.
Many people inside baseball are labeling umpire Jim Joyce’s botched final out call that cost a Detroit pitcher a perfect game “the worst call in the history of baseball”. Besides, of course, letting Jim Joyce umpire that game.
A Waffle House employee has survived without serious injury after three teens took off without paying and he clung to the hood of their car. Because if you can survive working at Waffle House, you can survive anything.
A new report shows one in five high school students have taken a prescription drug that they didn't get from a doctor. The other four can't afford to see a doctor.
Gary Coleman's parents are seeking custody of his remains. In fact, they have already picked out the water bottle that they will store them in.
The toxic metal cadmium was discovered in a McDonald’s drinking glass. One thing's for sure: it's less toxic than the McDonald's soft drinks themselves.
President Bush says that he would waterboard prisoners again. That's weird. Usually prisoners are ridden by other prisoners.
An online jobs index is at the highest level since 2008. That is, the highest level of people looking for a job.
A study says the most popular day to watch Internet porn is Sunday. Which is strange, because aren't people supposed to go to church and be holy on Sundays?
A study says that American teenagers are drinking less soda, but still not exercising. The study is called, "Being too lazy to go to the fridge".
A study shows that to get rid of fat, people should avoid eating before working out. Well, I like to call that, "Less calories to burn".
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, May 7, 2010
"Generous Maternity Leaves"
Joke of the Day: The birth control pill turns 50 this week. Those of you who chose not to use the pill, Happy Mother's Day!
Bristol Palin says she is on her own financially, receiving no help from her parents. Considering who her parents are, that's a really good idea.
A study says that children who sing while they clap have improved mental skills. The same study said that children who don't clap will become rappers.
A study says that cell phones raise teen night time driving risks. The same study says that cell phones raises any person anytime driving risks.
A study says that 41% of all births in the U.S. were to unmarried women, up from 28% in 1990. The other 59% have never had sexual relations with Tiger Woods.
Japanese game-maker Nintendo suffered its first drop in annual profit in six years. So there ARE Americans who are getting off the couch.
According to a new survey, Norway is the world’s best country for moms because women there are paid well, have easy access to contraception and have generous maternity leaves. If these are the conditions, I wouldn't be surprised if the US came in last.
Sunday is Mother's Day. Or, as Utah calls it, "Way too expensive".
A South Korean woman who earned a driver's license after 960 tries is ready to buy a car and get behind the wheel. That really says something when Asia calls you a bad driver.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Bristol Palin says she is on her own financially, receiving no help from her parents. Considering who her parents are, that's a really good idea.
A study says that children who sing while they clap have improved mental skills. The same study said that children who don't clap will become rappers.
A study says that cell phones raise teen night time driving risks. The same study says that cell phones raises any person anytime driving risks.
A study says that 41% of all births in the U.S. were to unmarried women, up from 28% in 1990. The other 59% have never had sexual relations with Tiger Woods.
Japanese game-maker Nintendo suffered its first drop in annual profit in six years. So there ARE Americans who are getting off the couch.
According to a new survey, Norway is the world’s best country for moms because women there are paid well, have easy access to contraception and have generous maternity leaves. If these are the conditions, I wouldn't be surprised if the US came in last.
Sunday is Mother's Day. Or, as Utah calls it, "Way too expensive".
A South Korean woman who earned a driver's license after 960 tries is ready to buy a car and get behind the wheel. That really says something when Asia calls you a bad driver.
That's all I have for today! Definitely more tomorrow!
Monday, April 19, 2010
"In Place Of Shoe Boxes"
Joke of the Day: An 86 year old pilot with bad eyesight has been blamed for a fatal crash in Ohio in 2008. I blame the people who hired him.
It's being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. So not only is the US fighting al-Qaida, but we are influencing them as well.
Bill Clinton says President Obama should look beyond judges for the upcoming Supreme Court nomination. Because when I think of people who should be Supreme Court Judges, I look for people who are not judges.
Alex Rodriguez now has more home runs than Mark McGwire, with 584. He is now in 3rd place, behind Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, on baseball's prestigious steroid users list.
Cuban cigar legend Alejandro Robaina has died at 91. He plans to be cremated with a lighter and his ashes will go in a large cigar carton.
Athletic shoe maker Puma will use reusable bags in place of shoe boxes. I guess Puma is tired of helping elementary school students with art projects.
A study says jealousy can make you blind, or at least affect the way you see things. In a sense, this means that people become less jealous overtime.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will be “thorough” with its probe of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I'm sure that the last thing Roethlisberger needs right now is a probing.
TV talk show host Conan O’Brien celebrated his 47th birthday on Sunday. NBC plans to give him a birthday present. A free haircut.
This is National Coin Week. The US Economy says that they are unable to celebrate.
Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know things in LA are crazy when even the LAPD is stopping white supremacists from fighting.
A New Jersey man is being held in police custody for intentionally vomiting on a Philadelphia Phillies fan and his daughter. Or, as the suspect calls it, "The New Jersey Experience".
An Ohio woman who became the youngest person to row across the Atlantic says she got through the journey thanks to iPods, chocolate bars and audio books. On the other hand, I'm sure these are three things that would prevent people from going in the first place.
I hope the quality of these jokes were good. More to come tomorrow and thanks for reading!
It's being reported that al-Qaida is in financial ruin. So not only is the US fighting al-Qaida, but we are influencing them as well.
Bill Clinton says President Obama should look beyond judges for the upcoming Supreme Court nomination. Because when I think of people who should be Supreme Court Judges, I look for people who are not judges.
Alex Rodriguez now has more home runs than Mark McGwire, with 584. He is now in 3rd place, behind Sammy Sosa and Barry Bonds, on baseball's prestigious steroid users list.
Cuban cigar legend Alejandro Robaina has died at 91. He plans to be cremated with a lighter and his ashes will go in a large cigar carton.
Athletic shoe maker Puma will use reusable bags in place of shoe boxes. I guess Puma is tired of helping elementary school students with art projects.
A study says jealousy can make you blind, or at least affect the way you see things. In a sense, this means that people become less jealous overtime.
NFL Commissioner Roger Goodell says the league will be “thorough” with its probe of Pittsburgh quarterback Ben Roethlisberger. I'm sure that the last thing Roethlisberger needs right now is a probing.
TV talk show host Conan O’Brien celebrated his 47th birthday on Sunday. NBC plans to give him a birthday present. A free haircut.
This is National Coin Week. The US Economy says that they are unable to celebrate.
Members of the Los Angeles Police Department stood between white supremacists and counter-demonstrators at LA City Hall, Sunday. You know things in LA are crazy when even the LAPD is stopping white supremacists from fighting.
A New Jersey man is being held in police custody for intentionally vomiting on a Philadelphia Phillies fan and his daughter. Or, as the suspect calls it, "The New Jersey Experience".
An Ohio woman who became the youngest person to row across the Atlantic says she got through the journey thanks to iPods, chocolate bars and audio books. On the other hand, I'm sure these are three things that would prevent people from going in the first place.
I hope the quality of these jokes were good. More to come tomorrow and thanks for reading!
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
"A Game Of Character"
European researchers have discovered that one hour of moderate to vigorous exercise a day can help teens beat the effects of a common obesity-related gene. Not only does it help rid of effects of obesity genes, but it helps you fit into skinnier jeans.
NBC is renewing “The Marriage Ref” for another season. I have an idea. Next season, have the celebrities be the couples in distress. It's more fitting.
Craig Robinson, Michelle Obama's brother, has written a book called “A Game of Character” where he reveals that their dad thought Michelle would eat Barack alive. And SHE teaches US about obesity?
30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House. At the Easter Egg Hunt, for the 11th year in a row, nobody found the Osama bin Laden egg.
Actor Corey Haim employed “doctor shopping” to obtain 553 prescription pills in the two months before his death. I'm sure these pills had nothing to do with his death.
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has started a program he calls "Pedal Vision," in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets. In other words, the inmates have lost their TV privileges.
Zookeepers at Washington’s National Zoo think panda Mei Xiang is pregnant. The possibility of John Edwards being the father has not been ruled out.
President Obama's Opening Day pitch was high and outside. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night.
Tiger Woods says he expects to win the Masters tournament this week. He also said that he thinks he will play really good golf.
A survey says that frequent fliers' favorite freebie at airports is Wi-Fi. They also say that they like the fact that the airport doubles as a mall.
FINALLY FROM MY FRIEND JIM BARACH
Tiger Woods says he expects to win the Masters tournament this week. Of course, he also thought he wasn't going to get caught cheating on his wife.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
NBC is renewing “The Marriage Ref” for another season. I have an idea. Next season, have the celebrities be the couples in distress. It's more fitting.
Craig Robinson, Michelle Obama's brother, has written a book called “A Game of Character” where he reveals that their dad thought Michelle would eat Barack alive. And SHE teaches US about obesity?
30,000 people showed up for the annual Easter Egg Roll at the White House. At the Easter Egg Hunt, for the 11th year in a row, nobody found the Osama bin Laden egg.
Actor Corey Haim employed “doctor shopping” to obtain 553 prescription pills in the two months before his death. I'm sure these pills had nothing to do with his death.
Maricopa County Sheriff Joe Arpaio has started a program he calls "Pedal Vision," in which inmates pedal stationary bikes to generate electricity for television sets. In other words, the inmates have lost their TV privileges.
Zookeepers at Washington’s National Zoo think panda Mei Xiang is pregnant. The possibility of John Edwards being the father has not been ruled out.
President Obama's Opening Day pitch was high and outside. Kind of like Lindsay Lohan on a Saturday night.
Tiger Woods says he expects to win the Masters tournament this week. He also said that he thinks he will play really good golf.
A survey says that frequent fliers' favorite freebie at airports is Wi-Fi. They also say that they like the fact that the airport doubles as a mall.
FINALLY FROM MY FRIEND JIM BARACH
Tiger Woods says he expects to win the Masters tournament this week. Of course, he also thought he wasn't going to get caught cheating on his wife.
That's it for today! More tomorrow!
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