Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. Meanwhile, there’s probably several teenagers out there who hope to actually contract it just so they can get a bunch of social media likes.
Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. And this outbreak has been especially wild for the incel community, as many of them had to buy soap for the first time.
New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton has been diagnosed with coronavirus. It must’ve been easy for him to catch this airborne disease, especially considering his starting QB’s name is Brees.
Vegas has been shut down amid coronavirus fears. So, basically, a man planned to go to Vegas to bet and see when coronavirus quarantines would be over, and Vegas then said, “Hold my beer.”
A 103 year old woman in Iran has survived coronavirus. This is incredibly surprising. A woman in Iran is allowed to live?
Country music star Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81. Apparently the age of 81 was when Rogers knew when to fold ‘em.
The coronavirus has been linked to bats, an animal known to hang upside down in caves. Which totally explains why COVID-19 was originally COVID-61.
A group of spring breakers in Tampa were diagnosed with the coronavirus. The coronavirus they caught was described as the least deadly disease ever caught while on a Spring break trip.
A man in Arizona died after ingesting a substance that Donald Trump said could treat coronavirus. Though to be fair, the substance was highly heralded by scientists who graduated from Trump University.
The Library of Congress has honored the Village People. It marks the first time in history that Washington D.C. has ever done something nice for a Native American.
Due to the coronavirus outbreak causing business to close, strippers in Portland are delivering themselves to clients’ homes for private dances. This Portland-based delivery service is more commonly known as “WhoreDash”.
An eight year old in Toronto won $200 worth of cannabis products at a youth hockey tournament. After claiming the cannabis prizes, he watched hours of cartoons, ate several bags of potato chips, and laid around for several hours. And then he ingested the pot.
The COVID-19 stimulus bill will give $500 per person’s child in America. In a related story, Antonio Cromartie has a plan to pay off the national debt.
Donald Trump reportedly suggested that the US and Germany should be enemies because of the fact that Germany was an enemy during World War II. This is yet another one of Donald Trump’s ideologies that haven’t evolved beyond the 1940s.
One of the highest ranking officials in the Catholic church has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. In a related story, the coronavirus death toll among altar boys is expected to skyrocket.
Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.
That's all I have for now, from the quarantined month of March. It's been wild to say the least. The world might be ending, and I've done a handful of virtual open mics, but comedy is getting increasingly difficult to focus on. But I'm happy with my friends and family who are extra supportive during this wild time of staying home from comedy shows, DJ nights, trivia nights, etc. Also, I'm officially one fourth of the way to my goal of writing a monologue joke for every day of the year! More jokey jokes coming in April.
Showing posts with label Strippers. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Strippers. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Thursday, March 24, 2011
"Away From Soccer"
ABC’s “Good Morning America” invited singer Chris Brown back to their show after he angrily trashed his dressing room and broke a window. Hopefully to clean all that mess up.
New research says sex and exercise can trigger heart attacks in people who get little of either one. How about people like me, who get none of either?
A 92-year-old Florida woman fired four shots at a man’s house after the 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her. Hey, Betty White, go for men your own age.
Inspired by Jerry Perisho: "Tiger Woods is offering a new mobile phone app that provides golf lessons. The problem is that every four swings it loudly blurts out “Fuck”." But considering Tiger's past, could "Fuck" have a double meaning?
NFL star Chad Ochocinco says his grandmother is the one who pointed him toward football and away from soccer. As a Bengals fan, I have to ask his grandma, "Why?".
Frank Neuhauser, the first National Spelling Bee champ has died at age 97. His last words were, "B-E-E-P BEEEEEEEEEEP".
A study says that sleep deprivation makes people more hungry. All those years of failed diets, and all Kirstie Alley needed was a nap.
A gym in Houston is offering “pole dancing for Jesus” classes. Because nothing goes together like pole dancing and Christianity.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
New research says sex and exercise can trigger heart attacks in people who get little of either one. How about people like me, who get none of either?
A 92-year-old Florida woman fired four shots at a man’s house after the 53-year-old neighbor refused to kiss her. Hey, Betty White, go for men your own age.
Inspired by Jerry Perisho: "Tiger Woods is offering a new mobile phone app that provides golf lessons. The problem is that every four swings it loudly blurts out “Fuck”." But considering Tiger's past, could "Fuck" have a double meaning?
NFL star Chad Ochocinco says his grandmother is the one who pointed him toward football and away from soccer. As a Bengals fan, I have to ask his grandma, "Why?".
Frank Neuhauser, the first National Spelling Bee champ has died at age 97. His last words were, "B-E-E-P BEEEEEEEEEEP".
A study says that sleep deprivation makes people more hungry. All those years of failed diets, and all Kirstie Alley needed was a nap.
A gym in Houston is offering “pole dancing for Jesus” classes. Because nothing goes together like pole dancing and Christianity.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, January 14, 2011
"Money For Nothing"
Andy Rooney is 92 years old today. Now, "60 Minutes" refers to the amount of time everyone thinks he has to live.
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.
The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?
A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?
Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.
Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?
The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.
Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".
A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Former Minnesota Governor Tim Pawlenty says if elected president he would reinstate “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” in the US military. Even worse, he made this announcement during an episode of Glee.
The TSA has paid a Texas woman a “nominal” sum of money after her breasts were exposed during an airport patdown. Aren't people like that called "strippers"?
A New Jersey politician is proposing license plates for bicycles at $10 each. What's next? Bicycle Insurance?
Dire Straits’ “Money For Nothing” has been banned by Canadian Radio. "Money For Nothing" describes purchasing Carolina Panthers tickets.
Jimmy Carter says the international community should erase the debt of Sudan. How about erasing the debt of America?
The Computer History Museum in California will reopen this week after a two year renovation. It would have taken six months, but the construction guys were too busy on the computer.
Scientists have found a way to stop Tinnitus, an affliction where people have a constant ringing in their ears. It's called "stop listening to Rush Limbaugh".
A study says that 20% of Americans have done a heroic deed. The other 80% of Americans still refuse to get off the couch.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, October 4, 2010
"Received Death Threats"
The wife of the imam who wanted a mosque at Ground Zero said Sunday that she and her husband have received death threats. Mainly from Terry Jones.
In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.
The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.
The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.
In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".
John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.
The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".
CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".
South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.
Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.
Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.
A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.
According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.
A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.
Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.
After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?
Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.
The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.
The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.
In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".
John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.
The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".
CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".
South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.
Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.
Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.
A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.
According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.
A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.
Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.
After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?
Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
"Smooth As A Jet Ride"
Joke of the Day: The parent company of United Airlines is buying Continental for $3.17 billion to form the largest carrier in the world. Before this merger, the largest carrier in the world was Kirstie Alley's refrigerator.
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.
The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.
Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".
Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".
The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.
Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.
Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.
Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.
Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.
Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.
A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.
Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.
A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.
Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".
That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. Apparently there are security concerns about the 75 year old building. But enough about Burt Reynolds...
The Supreme Court has closed down its iconic front entrance to visitors. It's the first time in the history of Washington that somebody has decided to close the front entrance.
The Virginia State Legislature has proposed bringing gun safety programs to elementary schools. Hey, since kids at schools already have guns, they may as well learn their safety.
Proponents of the strict Arizona law against illegal aliens say that Mexico’s immigration laws are even more strict. That's like McDonald's going to a burger joint and saying, "Look, their food is a lot unhealthier".
Iran has offered to help fight the Gulf oil leak, saying they want to help prevent an ecological disaster. To which fish in the Gulf said, "Oh, NOW they come".
The Census department says six workers died in traffic accidents in the past week. This is actually good news for the Census. That's six less people to count.
Toyota says that their new 2011 Avalon is as smooth as a jet ride. Once you put your foot on the pedal, it's also as fast as a jet ride.
Ex-convict James Traficant is running for Congress in Ohio again. He'll fit in quite well with the other convicts that work for Congress.
Scientists and the government say that oil spills have little impact on human health. Only scuba divers and marine biologists are impacted.
Oregon has the lowest rate of child obesity in the nation. Is that really that difficult to do in the U.S.? That's like being the most celibate priest.
Scientists claim that meeting a beautiful woman can be bad for a person’s health. Which means that Amy Winehouse's husband is going to be just fine.
A UK dance studio is offering pole dancing classes to ten-year-olds. It's kind of ironic considering that most of England's citizens are Catholic.
Hillary Clinton and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad traded verbal jabs at the United Nations over nuclear weaponry. They actually don't have a lot in common. One is a bad politician who is also an ugly old man, and the other is dictator of Iran.
A woman in PA is facing fraud charges for collecting workers compensation payments while working as a stripper. She also collected the workers comp payments entirely in singles.
Boston is in its third day of not having any safe drinking water. To which New York City said, "Heh, it's not really that big of a deal".
That's all for today! I hope you liked these jokes!
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