A study says that dieting forces the brain to eat itself. No wonder the Situation has a six pack.
Ashton Kutcher will reportedly play a broken hearted billionaire on “Two and a Half Men”. So what? Donald Trump has played that character in real life. Three times.
A study says that laughing out loud triggers a decline in lung function for people with lung disease. This explains why I was booked as the comic for the annual Smokers convention.
A woman accused of breaking into Alex Trebek’s hotel room could get a life sentence. The crime: making Trebek reveal that he sleeps naked.
Kim Kardashian’s wedding will be featured as a four hour special on E! That's one hour for every person that gives a crap.
The Bank of New York is now charging its wealthy clients to hold large sums of money for them. This is expected to affect as many as three people in New York.
A survey says that one third of adults would give up sex for a week rather than their cell phone. Of course, if I gave up my cell phone, I'd have neither.
A mayor in New Mexico says he was drunk when he signed several contracts with an architectural firm from California. Hopefully he signed to build an AA building.
A study says that healthier eating means a higher grocery bill. Apparently eating healthy doesn't mean eating less.
A genomics company says that half of Europe is descended from King Tut. The other half are children that are descendants of Arnold Schwarzenegger.
A survey says that Americans are aware of the benefits of functional foods but don’t eat them enough. Mostly because THEY TASTE LIKE SHIT!!
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Showing posts with label Drunk People. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Drunk People. Show all posts
Sunday, August 7, 2011
Friday, June 25, 2010
"A Sign Of Sexual Desire"
Joke of the Day: Police said a 30-year-old woman apparently fell out of a third-story window, landed on her parked car, and then walked into a neighbor's house, where she fell asleep on a couch for two hours. Most people call that "Being drunk".
American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahut in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. In fact, it made the Gulf oil spill seem like a snap of the finger.
A survey says 19% of high schools across the country will make cutbacks in their school libraries. Who knew high school libraries even meant anything anymore?
A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. Gosh, dogs are coming up with more intelligent ways to deal with mailmen, aren't they?
According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. Of course, the other thing that yawning could signify during sex is that somebody is really bored.
A former priest and anger-management counselor who pulled a gun in a traffic dispute on two men has been sentenced to a year in prison. Police are calling this case, "Seriously ironic".
A Spokane couple has reached its goal of collecting enough recyclable aluminum cans to pay for their wedding. To which every redneck in America said, "Why didn't I think of that?".
That's all for today! More coming soon!
American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahut in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. In fact, it made the Gulf oil spill seem like a snap of the finger.
A survey says 19% of high schools across the country will make cutbacks in their school libraries. Who knew high school libraries even meant anything anymore?
A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. Gosh, dogs are coming up with more intelligent ways to deal with mailmen, aren't they?
According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. Of course, the other thing that yawning could signify during sex is that somebody is really bored.
A former priest and anger-management counselor who pulled a gun in a traffic dispute on two men has been sentenced to a year in prison. Police are calling this case, "Seriously ironic".
A Spokane couple has reached its goal of collecting enough recyclable aluminum cans to pay for their wedding. To which every redneck in America said, "Why didn't I think of that?".
That's all for today! More coming soon!
Saturday, June 19, 2010
"Six Cups Of Tea"
Joke of the Day: Former NBA star Manute Bol, who was 7 feet and 7 inches tall, has died at the age of 47. His casket came with a note that read, "Good Luck".
BP CEO Tony Hayward is being relieved of the day to day responsibilities of managing the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. How does that make things different from before?
A 27 year old woman drinking a beer in a Maryland bar was mistaken for Justin Bieber. Apparently the other people in the bar had way to much to drink.
A study says that six cups of tea and two to four cups of coffee a day can be good for your heart. This is also called, "The average daily drink consumption of a senior citizen".
A study says that smoking marijuana can worsen a person’s schizophrenia. Trust me, I know that. No, I don't. Yes I do. There's no way. Wait, what?
Apple says iPhone sales could top the 100 Million mark by 2011. Little did most Americans know he was talking about the iPhone 8.
Many stock experts still believe that British Petroleum is still a good investment. Yeah, if you want to become completely broke.
The Obama Administration is setting up a “do not pay” list to keep shady contractors from getting paid when they haven’t earned it. In a related story, players for the New York Mets have filed for bankruptcy.
Jesse James has reportedly moved to Texas to be closer to Sandra Bullock. He wants to be closer to Sandra Bullock? That's a first.
A Kentucky man credits a state revenue employee with saving his life when he had a heart attack during a phone call about his income tax bill. Apparently the cause of the heart attack was his discovery about how much he owed.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
BP CEO Tony Hayward is being relieved of the day to day responsibilities of managing the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. How does that make things different from before?
A 27 year old woman drinking a beer in a Maryland bar was mistaken for Justin Bieber. Apparently the other people in the bar had way to much to drink.
A study says that six cups of tea and two to four cups of coffee a day can be good for your heart. This is also called, "The average daily drink consumption of a senior citizen".
A study says that smoking marijuana can worsen a person’s schizophrenia. Trust me, I know that. No, I don't. Yes I do. There's no way. Wait, what?
Apple says iPhone sales could top the 100 Million mark by 2011. Little did most Americans know he was talking about the iPhone 8.
Many stock experts still believe that British Petroleum is still a good investment. Yeah, if you want to become completely broke.
The Obama Administration is setting up a “do not pay” list to keep shady contractors from getting paid when they haven’t earned it. In a related story, players for the New York Mets have filed for bankruptcy.
Jesse James has reportedly moved to Texas to be closer to Sandra Bullock. He wants to be closer to Sandra Bullock? That's a first.
A Kentucky man credits a state revenue employee with saving his life when he had a heart attack during a phone call about his income tax bill. Apparently the cause of the heart attack was his discovery about how much he owed.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, February 18, 2010
"Too Fat By 2020"
A study of King Tut's body has shown that he probably died due to complications stemming from malaria and a broken leg. Now I'm still not sure how Ken Griffey Jr. didn't die in Cincinnati.
The Cleveland Cavaliers acquired Antawn Jamison from Washington on Wednesday night in exchange for Zydrunas Ilgauskas, a 2010 first round pick, and ten unloaded handguns.
NBC is hoping the Olympics brings back some of the audience they have lost in recent years. As a matter of fact, they will show reruns of the Olympics at 11:35 once they finish.
A plane crashed into an office building housing nearly 200 federal tax employees on Thursday, setting off a raging fire that sent workers fleeing as thick plumes of black smoke poured into the air. It's nice how these people get a little preview of hell before they die.
A southwestern Pennsylvania woman was charged with hitting her adult son with a Louisville Slugger after she allegedly came home drunk. The woman has been charged with assault while the son was charged with a baseball bat.
Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. Of course he didn't sleep. He had so many late night plans it was hard to catch up.
Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. That's because Hillary kept waking him up at 3 A.M. to answer the phone for her.
A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. The study was conducted once Bill Clinton received his diagnosis.
A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. This study has made happy people even happier and sad people even sadder.
A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. This marks the first time in history that 2020 was worse on BBC than on ABC.
A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. And you thought their teeth were unhealthy...
A study says that young Americans are less religious than their parents. Especially since the hit song when parents were young was "Livin' On A Prayer".
That's it for right now! Hopefully they get better tomorrow.
The Cleveland Cavaliers acquired Antawn Jamison from Washington on Wednesday night in exchange for Zydrunas Ilgauskas, a 2010 first round pick, and ten unloaded handguns.
NBC is hoping the Olympics brings back some of the audience they have lost in recent years. As a matter of fact, they will show reruns of the Olympics at 11:35 once they finish.
A plane crashed into an office building housing nearly 200 federal tax employees on Thursday, setting off a raging fire that sent workers fleeing as thick plumes of black smoke poured into the air. It's nice how these people get a little preview of hell before they die.
A southwestern Pennsylvania woman was charged with hitting her adult son with a Louisville Slugger after she allegedly came home drunk. The woman has been charged with assault while the son was charged with a baseball bat.
Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. Of course he didn't sleep. He had so many late night plans it was hard to catch up.
Bill Clinton says his "lack of sleep" added to his health problems. That's because Hillary kept waking him up at 3 A.M. to answer the phone for her.
A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. The study was conducted once Bill Clinton received his diagnosis.
A study says that happy people are less likely to develop heart problems. This study has made happy people even happier and sad people even sadder.
A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. This marks the first time in history that 2020 was worse on BBC than on ABC.
A study says that eight in ten British men will be "too fat" by 2020. And you thought their teeth were unhealthy...
A study says that young Americans are less religious than their parents. Especially since the hit song when parents were young was "Livin' On A Prayer".
That's it for right now! Hopefully they get better tomorrow.
Friday, February 5, 2010
"The Most Drunk City In The US"
Hello everyone! Here are my monologue jokes for today, February 5, 2010!
Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.
Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.
A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...
Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".
A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.
Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?
Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancé. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.
Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.
NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.
Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".
Late last month, astronauts aboard the International Space Station gained access to the Internet. Oh great, now the astronauts are going to overshoot the moon while in their rockets.
Former John Edwards aide Andrew Young says he was offered a "gigantic" sum of money for the sex tape of John Edwards and his mistress. Unfortunately, even that large sum of money won't even make his life better.
A study says that more than half of all Americans use the Internet for health information. The other half use the internet for another reason...
Moody's is warning the U.S. that its top credit rating could be at risk. This statement is being referred to as "Moody's Point".
A study says that pig lungs could be used in human transplants within five years. However, I would remain on the lookout for swine flu.
Mike Dunleavy stepped from his coaching duties with the Los Angeles Clippers. Wait, the Clippers had a coach?
Cleveland Cavaliers guard Daniel Gibson did not start Thursday’s game against Miami because he was with his pregnant fiancé. In other words, somebody in the NBA got their own girlfriend pregnant for once.
Women who are depressed while pregnant may be more likely than other expecting moms to have kids who are physically aggressive as teens, a new study finds. Well that ought to cheer them up.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. That ought to make his math teacher really proud of him.
NFL Players Association executive director DeMaurice Smith rates the chance of a lockout in 2011 at "14" on a scale of 1-to-10. The same odds are saying that Cincinnati Bengals players will be locked up.
NBC has caused controversy after their cooks decided to cook fried chicken in honor of Black History Month. Even worse, their dessert will be vanilla ice cream.
Fresno has been named the most drunk city in the US, with Boston being the least drunk. To which Fresno replied, "You don't know how many had I've beers tomorrow".
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
