"A Group Of Stars"

Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".

In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.

Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".

Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".

A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.

Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".

Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?

A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.

A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.

The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".

Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.

A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.

Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".

FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Cognitive Capabilities"

Joke of the Day: New Jersey Governor Chris Christie wants to shut down the state’s remaining highway restrooms to save money. You know what people call a highway restroom in New Jersey? A highway.

Pres. Obama scolded Wall Street Friday, but added that he does not begrudge anyone success when the success is earned. In other words, Obama has never been able to begrudge himself.

In Arizona, state legislators are pushing a bill that would require Pres. Obama to show his birth certificate in order to get on the 2012 ballot. They are also pushing a bill that would require Sarah Palin to show her literacy certificate.

A new study from Florida State Univ. says that good teachers can help their students to read faster. I have to ask. Since when are college students having trouble reading?

Research scientists in Borneo have discovered what is believed to be the world’s biggest slug. Kirstie Alley.

All top NFL draft picks have to take a Wonderlic test to help determine their cognitive capabilities. Which explains why USC didn't have many players picked.

Some of next year’s NCAA basketball games will be televised on TruTV. They will even have one of Gilbert Arenas' classic games. This game will ironically be presented by the Smoking Gun.

A study says violent video games can actually make people smarter. Except when it comes to talking to the opposite sex.

An ESPN movie called “The Two Escobars” deals with Colombia and the country’s obsession with soccer and cocaine. Colombia calls soccer "football". So a special on a country's obsession with football and cocaine would be called "The United States".

Naomi Campbell reportedly swatted an ABC camera after a recent interview. Apparently what made her do that was when the reporter said, "So, pretend the camera is a taxi driver".

A government investigation says that SEC staffers who were supposed to be policing the financial system were watching online porn while the economy was crashing. At least they didn't have to go to a bondage night club.

Schools across the country are urging parents not to take their kids to work on “take your son or daughter to work” days. Especially if you work at JFK International.

Australians are afraid that trends towards obesity in their country could turn them into “fat Americans”. Actually, it would simply turn them into "Americans".

FINALLY FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER FRIEND PAUL SEABURN
NCAA has decided to expand the March Madness men's basketball tournament from 65 to 68 teams beginning next year. This will give spots to Cinderella’s two ugly stepsisters and her stepmom.