"Running A Marathon"

Steve Jobs died of respiratory arrest caused by a pancreatic tumor. Apparently there wasn't an app for that.

A study says that selfish and aggressive behavior is perceived as strength in the office. Isn't that called "Wall Street"?

Rihanna says that she's happy for Chris Brown's success. And that was this week's installment of "Riiiiiiight...".

Three people were hospitalized after pot-laced brownies were served at a funeral. Weirdly enough, they washed them down with Coke.

A woman gave birth after running a marathon. Running a marathon while pregnant? Top that, Kenya!

LeBron James is considering joining the NFL. Maybe he should take his talents to South Beach. They actually need him.

Scientists say they are 95% sure that Bigfoot lives in the Russian tundra. I think I speak for the entire world when I say, "Like seriously. Give it up."

Two men have been hospitalized after a fight over a dead deer in northeastern Pennsylvania. Yeah, Alex, I'll take "White Trash" for a thousand.

An official at the CDC was arrested molesting a 6-year-old boy and bestiality. If this guy works for the CDC, then I should be a trainer on "The Biggest Loser".

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Double Leg Transplant"

The Labor Department says that one in five recent college graduates is out of work. The other four don't have a liberal arts degree.

The first double leg transplant was done in Spain. I would like to congratulate the patient, Stump.

Elizabeth Smart is joining ABC News as a missing persons contributor. Unfortunately, she didn't show up to work on her first day.

A British company has started an online for pay site to cure porn addicts. Don't get me wrong, it's still a porn website. It just features naked pictures of Khloe Kardashian.

A Rihanna concert in Dallas ended earlier as a fire started at the arena. Actually, someone saw Rihanna's hair and assumed as such.

David Letterman's studio was vandalized. Not only that, but it was polluted by shitty jokes.

"A YouTube Video"

Mitt Romney started his White House run with a YouTube video. Romney is exactly like Rebecca Black: an annoying little girl making news on YouTube.

An Applebee’s restaurant in Michigan accidentally served a 15-month-old boy a margarita instead of apple juice. He was disoriented, whiny, and unable to walk. Then again, so are most 15-month-old boys.

Rihanna says she’d like to spank Britney Spears. I agree. She is a terrible singer, and an insult to music. And Britney Spears is pretty bad, too.

California Governor Jerry Brown says the country is the most divided it has been since the Civil War. A poll was held in response to this quote. 50% of Americans agreed, and 50% of Americans disagreed.

A teenager claims she was told she was too fat to be in the front row of a taping of “American Idol”. Being too fat certainly makes her put the "American" in "American Idol".

Los Angeles Lakers guard Kobe Bryant appeared to use a homophobic slur against a referee during their game yesterday. It's the angriest Kobe has been since he was with a hotel room employee.

An Indonesian clinic says that smoking cigarettes can cure cancer and emphysema. That must explain Indonesia's new official mammal: the Camel.

Actress Catherine Zeta-Jones has been hospitalized with bipolar disorder. I guess that's what being married to Michael Douglas does to you.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!