Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. Meanwhile, there’s probably several teenagers out there who hope to actually contract it just so they can get a bunch of social media likes.
Because of the coronavirus, many people are practicing better hygiene in order to not contract it. And this outbreak has been especially wild for the incel community, as many of them had to buy soap for the first time.
New Orleans Saints HC Sean Payton has been diagnosed with coronavirus. It must’ve been easy for him to catch this airborne disease, especially considering his starting QB’s name is Brees.
Vegas has been shut down amid coronavirus fears. So, basically, a man planned to go to Vegas to bet and see when coronavirus quarantines would be over, and Vegas then said, “Hold my beer.”
A 103 year old woman in Iran has survived coronavirus. This is incredibly surprising. A woman in Iran is allowed to live?
Country music star Kenny Rogers has died at the age of 81. Apparently the age of 81 was when Rogers knew when to fold ‘em.
The coronavirus has been linked to bats, an animal known to hang upside down in caves. Which totally explains why COVID-19 was originally COVID-61.
A group of spring breakers in Tampa were diagnosed with the coronavirus. The coronavirus they caught was described as the least deadly disease ever caught while on a Spring break trip.
A man in Arizona died after ingesting a substance that Donald Trump said could treat coronavirus. Though to be fair, the substance was highly heralded by scientists who graduated from Trump University.
The Library of Congress has honored the Village People. It marks the first time in history that Washington D.C. has ever done something nice for a Native American.
Due to the coronavirus outbreak causing business to close, strippers in Portland are delivering themselves to clients’ homes for private dances. This Portland-based delivery service is more commonly known as “WhoreDash”.
An eight year old in Toronto won $200 worth of cannabis products at a youth hockey tournament. After claiming the cannabis prizes, he watched hours of cartoons, ate several bags of potato chips, and laid around for several hours. And then he ingested the pot.
The COVID-19 stimulus bill will give $500 per person’s child in America. In a related story, Antonio Cromartie has a plan to pay off the national debt.
Donald Trump reportedly suggested that the US and Germany should be enemies because of the fact that Germany was an enemy during World War II. This is yet another one of Donald Trump’s ideologies that haven’t evolved beyond the 1940s.
One of the highest ranking officials in the Catholic church has been diagnosed with the coronavirus. In a related story, the coronavirus death toll among altar boys is expected to skyrocket.
Teachers across America have been writing encouraging messages on kids’ driveways in chalk due to schools not being in session. This beats the old way that teachers did it: texting them encouraging messages along with a picture of them in a bikini.
That's all I have for now, from the quarantined month of March. It's been wild to say the least. The world might be ending, and I've done a handful of virtual open mics, but comedy is getting increasingly difficult to focus on. But I'm happy with my friends and family who are extra supportive during this wild time of staying home from comedy shows, DJ nights, trivia nights, etc. Also, I'm officially one fourth of the way to my goal of writing a monologue joke for every day of the year! More jokey jokes coming in April.
Showing posts with label Coronavirus. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Coronavirus. Show all posts
Tuesday, March 31, 2020
Saturday, February 29, 2020
"Coronavirus Fears"
Tomorrow is President’s Day, where many stores have sales on mattresses. If they really wanted to honor our presidents, stores would have big sales on golf clubs.
Police in Colorado were called about “demonic sounds” coming from a McDonald's. According to eyewitnesses, the demonic sound was described as a cashier saying the phrase, “The ice cream machine is down.”
The Seattle Seahawks signed TE Greg Olsen to a one year contract worth $7 million. The contract includes $5.5 million and 3 torn ACLs guaranteed.
A study says that facial expressions do not reflect a person’s innermost feelings. Which totally explains why people are genuinely excited to see Alex Schubert smiling.
Some citizens of Santa Monica, California are outraged after a porno was filmed in a public library during business hours. Even worse, due to the library’s newfound affiliation with porn, the books are now organized by the Do-Me Decimal System.
A Whitney Houston hologram is set to go on tour. And like the real Whitney, it’s advised to not put the machine controlling the hologram into a bathtub.
Amanda Bynes says she wants to start a clothing line. Though her line of Drake women’s underwear had to be pulled as it murdered too many vaginas.
A study says New Mexico is the worst state for distracted driving. New Mexico citizens took the news really hard; so much so that one driver got at least three teardrops on his cell phone screen.
The Houston Astros allegedly alerted their players about signs by banging on trash cans with bats. The Baltimore Orioles tried to use the same tactic, but their bats kept whiffing the trash cans.
Michelle Carter, who was convicted of involuntary manslaughter after she sent text messages to her boyfriend to convince him to commit suicide, has been released from prison. In an unrelated story, I have a blind date tonight after my friends set me up with a girl named Michelle Carter.
The “Miracle On Ice” team recently appeared at a Donald Trump rally. It makes sense, as both Trump and the hockey team are both in their positions in history thanks to Russia.
The Bachelor is preparing a spinoff series for people aged 65 and older. The series is expected to use the tagline “I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.”
38% of Americans surveyed said they would not buy Corona beer under any circumstances due to coronavirus fears. But I guarantee a lot of those same people still buy Milwaukee’s Best despite the fact that it carries literally every other disease.
Garth Brooks upset many of his fans by performing in Detroit in a Barry Sanders jersey, which they thought was a tribute to Bernie Sanders. He angered his Detroit fan base even more the next night by performing in a Joey Harrington jersey.
That's all I have for the month of February! Comedy is looking up right now, as I'm beginning to take a big next step: getting road gigs and traveling for shows. March is a big month for your dude, and I'm very excited to see what it all has in store for me. Stay tuned in March for more jokes, and remember to subscribe to F*** You, We Like the Bengals!
Police in Colorado were called about “demonic sounds” coming from a McDonald's. According to eyewitnesses, the demonic sound was described as a cashier saying the phrase, “The ice cream machine is down.”
The Seattle Seahawks signed TE Greg Olsen to a one year contract worth $7 million. The contract includes $5.5 million and 3 torn ACLs guaranteed.
A study says that facial expressions do not reflect a person’s innermost feelings. Which totally explains why people are genuinely excited to see Alex Schubert smiling.
Some citizens of Santa Monica, California are outraged after a porno was filmed in a public library during business hours. Even worse, due to the library’s newfound affiliation with porn, the books are now organized by the Do-Me Decimal System.
A Whitney Houston hologram is set to go on tour. And like the real Whitney, it’s advised to not put the machine controlling the hologram into a bathtub.
Amanda Bynes says she wants to start a clothing line. Though her line of Drake women’s underwear had to be pulled as it murdered too many vaginas.
A study says New Mexico is the worst state for distracted driving. New Mexico citizens took the news really hard; so much so that one driver got at least three teardrops on his cell phone screen.
The Houston Astros allegedly alerted their players about signs by banging on trash cans with bats. The Baltimore Orioles tried to use the same tactic, but their bats kept whiffing the trash cans.
Michelle Carter, who was convicted of involuntary manslaughter after she sent text messages to her boyfriend to convince him to commit suicide, has been released from prison. In an unrelated story, I have a blind date tonight after my friends set me up with a girl named Michelle Carter.
The “Miracle On Ice” team recently appeared at a Donald Trump rally. It makes sense, as both Trump and the hockey team are both in their positions in history thanks to Russia.
The Bachelor is preparing a spinoff series for people aged 65 and older. The series is expected to use the tagline “I’ve fallen in love and I can’t get up.”
38% of Americans surveyed said they would not buy Corona beer under any circumstances due to coronavirus fears. But I guarantee a lot of those same people still buy Milwaukee’s Best despite the fact that it carries literally every other disease.
Garth Brooks upset many of his fans by performing in Detroit in a Barry Sanders jersey, which they thought was a tribute to Bernie Sanders. He angered his Detroit fan base even more the next night by performing in a Joey Harrington jersey.
That's all I have for the month of February! Comedy is looking up right now, as I'm beginning to take a big next step: getting road gigs and traveling for shows. March is a big month for your dude, and I'm very excited to see what it all has in store for me. Stay tuned in March for more jokes, and remember to subscribe to F*** You, We Like the Bengals!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
