George Zimmerman signed autographs at an Orlando gun show. On the bright side, now we know who would go out of their way for his autograph.
TV pitchman Kevin Trudeau was sentenced to ten years in prison. It was originally seven years, but the judge said "But wait, there's more!"
A study says chimpanzees are better video gamers than kindergartners. Yep, the messy unhygenic monkeys who eat hair were outgamed by chimpanzees.
A new app maps a person’s enemies so they never run into them in public. It received high accolades from the Cute Girls Who Know Alex Schubert Association of America.
A new study says 11% of Americans think HTML is an STD. Question: if it was in fact an STD, would it cause pain in your HTTPenis?
A Texas man was killed after running into his house to save his cellphone. He'd still be alive if he just used the door instead.
Former SNL actor Chris Kattan was arrested for DUI. His dashcam footage was the first time he's been on camera in seven years.
Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps has died at 84. The Westboro Baptist Church will save a ton of money on graveyard plots when they realize that Fred Phelps can be buried in his own shame.
That's all I have for right now. Well, one of these jokes brought about one of my crazier Twitter experiences, and I feel that I need to explain myself. I tweeted the joke about the man in Texas who was killed after running into his house to save his cell phone, and a while later, I found myself being absolutely berated by my fellow comics (and the manager of my home club) because nobody got the joke. I'm going to break one of the Ten Commandments of comedy and explain that joke. You see, "running into his house" has a double meaning. Most people see "running into his house" as "oh, he went into his house to get something". Instead, when I thought of the punchline, I thought of the other meaning. It's like he ran into a brick wall, and running into a brick wall would kill him. And when I thought of the "he should have used the door instead" punchline, I started laughing (in public) because it was such a stupid thought, and I'm a sucker for a dumb joke. While I may go down in history as the only person who has ever laughed at that joke, I learned one comedy truth that day: the very first step in becoming a great comedian is making yourself laugh. I really don't give a shit if nobody else liked it.
If you want to see the Twitter ass-whooping I took that day, here's the link: https://twitter.com/GroperCleveland/status/439471280035999744
Anyway, sorry for the dragged on explanation of that crazy situation. I'll have more jokes to come soon!
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Death. Show all posts
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Tuesday, January 25, 2011
"A Half Sister"
Glenn Beck recently called Keith Olbermann "the world's biggest pain in the ass". People who have met me will beg to differ.
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Lance Armstrong is retiring from cycling. That bicycle seat must have crushed his ball too much.
A new study says that kids with better self-control will become more successful adults. Do you know what this means? Lindsay Lohan could have been on Supernanny.
President Obama's State of the Union Address is going to be given soon. However, I don't think it's going to be very good. It was written on Twitter by Jets cornerback Antonio Cromartie.
Kazakhstan has extended its ban on antelope hunting until 2021. Oh deer!
Oprah Winfrey has discovered a half sister that she never knew she had. At least, that's what the half sister wants Oprah to think.
A Brooklyn man died after falling into a tortilla-mixing machine. The man's remains were described as bloodied, messed up, and quite delicious with some sour cream.
Fitness guru Jack LaLanne died at the age of 96. Pallbearers will carry the casket while stepping to this rhythm: AND ONE, AND TWO, AND ONE, AND TWO...
Herschel Walker is planning an NFL comeback at age 48. He lost a lot of skill, though. However, he could still be the starting runningback for the Carolina Panthers.
An Alabama law firm says that Taco Bell is guilty of false advertising when making claims about using “ground beef” in its products. That very same law firm says that Clay Aiken is guilty of being gay.
Chinese born pianist Lang Lang reportedly played music from an anti-American song at a performance at the White House. President Obama is furious, while Vice President Biden is laughing at the word "pianist".
Donald Rumsfeld’s memoirs are reportedly nearly 800 pages long. Of course, only three of those pages are worth reading.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
"Working While Sick"
Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. It turns out, it was just Paris Hilton looking for more prescription pain killers.
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.
A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.
Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.
A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?
Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.
A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.
A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?
A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.
The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.
President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.
A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.
A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.
LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.
A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.
A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.
Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.
A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?
Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.
A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.
A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?
A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.
The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.
President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.
A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.
A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.
LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.
A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
"Entirely In Klingon"
President Clinton says that anger, apathy and amnesia could hurt the Democrats in November. In his defense, they've already hurt the Republicans.
The FAA is proposing rules changes to cut down on pilot fatigue. What else do they need? They already have naptime throughout the whole flight.
The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that college students spend about 48 minutes a day grooming. You know America is getting fat as a country when grooming is considered labor.
A study says that seniors who have a firm grip and walk at a fast pace tend to live longer than those who don’t. That is, a firm grip on life and a fast-paced walk away from death.
An opera that is written entirely in Klingon has made its debut in Europe. Italian nerds could not be happier.
Patrick Swayze’s wife says she still sends him text messages even though he died a year ago. What's really weird about all this: she gets responses.
Angelina Jolie says she does not have a lot of friends. Without benefits.
The Russian authorities fired a top local official Saturday after a video showed him forcing children to kiss his feet in a grueling series of push-ups while on a visit to a school. Who is this guy, a priest?
China on Saturday launched a measles vaccination program targeting 100 million children in a bid to eradicate the disease. Chinese officials said that they hope this will get them back to work very soon.
Eating champion Joey Chestnut set a new record by eating 47 burritos in ten minutes. He also set a new record for most toilets clogged.
A Paris man who registered 55 children by 55 different mothers faces up to 10 years in jail and fines for suspected paternity fraud. Gosh, where's Maury Povich when you need him?
A Georgia couple is suing a grocery store chain in federal court, claiming that the husband found a used tampon in his bowl of cereal. As proof, the man said that his milk kept disappearing.
Officials in a western Pennsylvania school district are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly. Things got weirder when a teacher and a student simultaneously said, "Hey! That's me!".
Football club songs and pop or rock music have been banned from funerals in Catholic churches in Australia. This decision was made after a funeral director played "Another One Bites The Dust".
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
The FAA is proposing rules changes to cut down on pilot fatigue. What else do they need? They already have naptime throughout the whole flight.
The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that college students spend about 48 minutes a day grooming. You know America is getting fat as a country when grooming is considered labor.
A study says that seniors who have a firm grip and walk at a fast pace tend to live longer than those who don’t. That is, a firm grip on life and a fast-paced walk away from death.
An opera that is written entirely in Klingon has made its debut in Europe. Italian nerds could not be happier.
Patrick Swayze’s wife says she still sends him text messages even though he died a year ago. What's really weird about all this: she gets responses.
Angelina Jolie says she does not have a lot of friends. Without benefits.
The Russian authorities fired a top local official Saturday after a video showed him forcing children to kiss his feet in a grueling series of push-ups while on a visit to a school. Who is this guy, a priest?
China on Saturday launched a measles vaccination program targeting 100 million children in a bid to eradicate the disease. Chinese officials said that they hope this will get them back to work very soon.
Eating champion Joey Chestnut set a new record by eating 47 burritos in ten minutes. He also set a new record for most toilets clogged.
A Paris man who registered 55 children by 55 different mothers faces up to 10 years in jail and fines for suspected paternity fraud. Gosh, where's Maury Povich when you need him?
A Georgia couple is suing a grocery store chain in federal court, claiming that the husband found a used tampon in his bowl of cereal. As proof, the man said that his milk kept disappearing.
Officials in a western Pennsylvania school district are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly. Things got weirder when a teacher and a student simultaneously said, "Hey! That's me!".
Football club songs and pop or rock music have been banned from funerals in Catholic churches in Australia. This decision was made after a funeral director played "Another One Bites The Dust".
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
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