"The Season Premiere"

Elizabeth Edwards’ will does not mention her estranged husband, former presidential candidate John Edwards. However, she did mention that she wants John to have one thing of hers: her cancer.

The House spent its second day in session reading the Constitution aloud. Why was that necessary? Half the people in Congress were there when it was written.

During the reading of the Constitution, House members skipped the 18th Amendment, the prohibition of alcohol. However, when they read the 21st amendment that repealed it, Congress said, "It repealed what amendment?".

Researchers found a chemical signal in women’s tears that turns men off. The chemical signal is called "body fat".

On this date in 1927, the Harlem Globetrotters played their first game. Back in the early 1920's, the Harlem Globetrotters were white guys who happened to be really good at basketball. Nowadays, we call them Duke.

Khloé Kardashian has dyed her hair red. Yes, because it's her hair that sticks out and catches everybody's attention.

Yesterday was the season premiere of Jersey Shore. A new orange douche has arisen. Their name: John Boehner.

Dick Cheney is facing the possibility of needing a heart transplant. What? Dick Cheney had a heart in the first place?

A study says that bald men still have invisible hair. At least, that's what they want you to think.

Internet accessible ovens and washing machines will soon be available. This is perfect for the person that thinks a laptop is too inconvenient.

Tiger Woods was dropped from the cover of his own video golf game. Also dropped from the game: his mistresses as unlockable characters.

The obesity epidemic has spurred a demand for oversize caskets. Not only that, but the average number of pallbearers per funeral has doubled.

A study says that facial bones change as people age. Aren't those called "wrinkles".

The world’s most destructive beetle was discovered in Los Angeles. That's like being named the tallest of the Seven Dwarfs.

The golden voiced homeless man, Ted Williams, now has a job with the Cleveland Cavaliers. It would be really ironic if he got a job with the Boston Red Sox.

Democratic Representative Lynn Woolsey from California says the war in Afghanistan is an “epic failure, national embarrassment and moral blight”. You know, like Lindsay Lohan.

A strip club is about to open at DFW airport in Dallas. What? Is the TSA not enough?

That's all for right now! More later!