Monologue Jokes Special: State of the Union Address

Tonight was Barack Obama's State of the Union Address. It was amazing how he turned "We're screwed" into a two hour speech.

President Obama's theme to the State of the Union Address was "Winning the future". The byline of the speech: "That is, if we have one".

Democrats and Republicans sat together during President Obama's State of the Union Address. Yeah, that's gonna end well.

When Joe Biden saw President Obama get behind the mic, he said, "Mr. Golden Voice, how are you"?

President Obama shook several hands before the State of the Union Address. Of course, all the Republicans had joybuzzers in their hands.

Before his State of the Union Address, President Obama gave a copy of his speech to Speaker John Boehner. Of course, Boehner got it all wet with his tears.

President Obama said that it was a good thing that we fight for our beliefs. Unless you work at FOX News.

President Obama said that "what comes of this moment is whether or not we work together". Yeah, and nothing says "working together" like US politics.

President Obama said that we have to do more. But hey, it's not like we can do any less.

President Obama said that our goal is to have the most prosperous economy in the world. Hey Obama, isn't that every country's goal?

President Obama said that we are the home to the best colleges and universities in the world. I mean, who else can make a bong out of a water bottle?

President Obama said that we need to take control of the deficit. With a deficit at $14 trillion, all we need to do is go to Yankee Stadium, buy a hot dog, and not pay for it.

President Obama said that we are the home to Google and Facebook. This is proof that we can get nothing done.

President Obama said that we are seeing promise in clean energy resources. Who knew Al Gore wrote his speech?

President Obama said that we are not just issuing out money. I'm sure his stimulus package will beg to differ.

President Obama said that oil companies are doing just fine on their own. And then Obama heard about BP.

President Obama said that Democrats and Republicans need to work together. That's like asking the KKK to thrive in Compton.

President Obama said that we don't need to celebrate the winner of the Super Bowl, but the winners of the science fair. That's exactly what nerds have been saying for years.

President Obama said that a teacher wiped away tears from a student when the student said, "Thank you, Mrs. Waterson". Turns out, the student was John Boehner's son.

President Obama said that we want to reward good teachers and stop making excuses for bad ones. Nooooo...

President Obama said that we should have the highest proportion of college graduates in the world. That's a stretch, dude. Your predecessor barely finished high school.

President Obama said that we need to work to protect our border. Almost immediately after that, Sonia Sotomayor gave him the finger.

President Obama said that we need to invest in high speed internet. In other words, he encouraged AOL to go out of business.

President Obama said that the railway grading system of the US was given a "D". Nobody knew he mixed that report card with the report card that graded his presidency.

President Obama joked about the TSA patdowns. In a related story, he has been put on the no-fly list.

President Obama said that we need to invest in education. Let's invest in our big ass debt, Mr. President.

President Obama said, "Let's get rid of loopholes". To which Republicans said, "He didn't say we had too".

President Obama said that he would only sign deals that would support Americans jobs. In a related story, President Obama has lost the support of Wal-Mart.

President Obama said that anything can be improved. Especially his presidency.

President Obama said that we need to fix what needs fixing. Or, as the Cincinnati Bengals call that, impossible.

President Obama said that we need to cut spending on things that aren't necessary. Like tanning beds for John Boehner.

President Obama said that we aren't taking money away from millionaires to punish their success. Try telling that to a millionaire.

President Obama said that "Now is the time to act". We need to leave Ben Affleck out of this equation, because, of course, he can't act.

President Obama said that there are twelve different agencies that deal with exports. Of course, they're all in China.

President Obama said that we have made major strides over that past two years. Of course, after Bush's presidency, we can't go anywhere but forward.

President Obama said that if a bill comes with earmarks, he will veto it. Of course, since it's President Obama, the earmarks are really big.

President Obama said that violence is down. Has he been to the hood?

President Obama said that we are going to begin to bring our troops home in July. Of course, any Tea Party pro-war politician hopes that he's talking about the gay ones.

President Obama told the Taliban that "We will defeat you". Of course, the Bears said the exact same thing to the Packers.

President Obama said that North Korea needs to abandon its nuclear weapons. To which Kim Jong Il said, "Yeah right".

President Obama said that Americans will argue about everything when it comes to politics. In a related story, I'm a fatass.

President Obama said that this is a country where anything is possible. If that's the case, I'm gonna get a good looking girlfriend tomorrow.

President Obama mentioned a man who spent three to four hours a day drilling a 2000 foot hole. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.

President Obama said that we do big things. Little did most Americans know he was giving a shoutout to President Clinton.

President Obama said that the State of the Union is strong. Unfortunately, he said that it was "Jay Cutler strong".

There was so much clapping tonight, even Vanna White was annoyed.

Well, that's easily the most jokes I've ever had in a post! And that's within one hour and fifteen minutes! More tomorrow!