GOP strategist Karl Rove says the Obama White House has developed an “enemies list”. Okay, Karl, let's be fair. It's not like Dick Cheney didn't do the same thing.
A new study says living under a flight path may be bad for your heart. The best place to live: the runways where airplanes are actually supposed to land.
A survey in Britain found that people over the age of 52 are grumpy. Especially when people tell them that they should go to the dentist.
Atlanta Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad’s three errors Sunday against the Giants cost the Braves the game. The last person with that many errors within a span of three hours: President George W. Bush.
Wal-Mart is ending their profit sharing plan with employees. This marks the first time in history that "Wal-Mart", "profit", and "employees" have all been used in the same sentence.
A Michigan man is planning to ride a Harley-Davidson motorcycle 300 miles with no hands. Funeral arrangements have been set for Thursday.
Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman were downing shots of Tequila at a Hispanic award gala. Apparently it was a drinking game. They would take shots for every time they saw one of Meg Whitman's employees.
A study says that poverty is growing in American suburbs. Who knew poverty could get worse?
The PBA is planning to start using instant replay in its matches. This is expected to have a profound effect on both people who still watch the PBA.
A survey by Fidelity Investments says that one quarter of investors would now be happy to break even. Isn't that called "playing in a casino"?
A study says that 18% more people are taking painkillers at work. Apparently these people just found out what it's like to have a boss.
That's all I have for now! More later!
Monday, October 11, 2010
Saturday, October 9, 2010
"More Privacy"
California scientists reportedly over calculated pollution levels by 340%. Apparently they spent too much time in Lindsay Lohan's house.
CBS is reportedly ready to let Katie Couric go, and the word is she may end up at CNN. CNN's new slogan: We take the crap that nobody else wants.
China could become the second wealthiest nation in the world by 2015. In response, China said, "None of this could have been possible without the children".
Software is being developed that can slim actors down on screen. Don't we already have that? It's called "anorexia".
Eminem says he doesn’t allow profanity in his home. That's like Lindsay Lohan having an alcohol-free refrigerator.
A study says that men sweat more than women. Mainly because women don't want to get that hot new shirt dirty.
Both parents and teens want more privacy online, according to a survey. "Not gonna happen", said Facebook.
The most popular Halloween costume this year is the cast of “Jersey Shore”. Hey, at least when you dress like Jersey Shore, you can keep the orange theme of Halloween.
A study is linking eating disorders to self-injury. Especially when the doctor tells you that you have an eating disorder.
Anderson Cooper says he is shocked that a movie trailer is using the phrase “That’s so gay.” Especially since it isn't Glee.
Research shows that 7% of all babies in the U.S. have their own e-mail address. Thanks a lot, E-Trade.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
CBS is reportedly ready to let Katie Couric go, and the word is she may end up at CNN. CNN's new slogan: We take the crap that nobody else wants.
China could become the second wealthiest nation in the world by 2015. In response, China said, "None of this could have been possible without the children".
Software is being developed that can slim actors down on screen. Don't we already have that? It's called "anorexia".
Eminem says he doesn’t allow profanity in his home. That's like Lindsay Lohan having an alcohol-free refrigerator.
A study says that men sweat more than women. Mainly because women don't want to get that hot new shirt dirty.
Both parents and teens want more privacy online, according to a survey. "Not gonna happen", said Facebook.
The most popular Halloween costume this year is the cast of “Jersey Shore”. Hey, at least when you dress like Jersey Shore, you can keep the orange theme of Halloween.
A study is linking eating disorders to self-injury. Especially when the doctor tells you that you have an eating disorder.
Anderson Cooper says he is shocked that a movie trailer is using the phrase “That’s so gay.” Especially since it isn't Glee.
Research shows that 7% of all babies in the U.S. have their own e-mail address. Thanks a lot, E-Trade.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Friday, October 8, 2010
"Intelligence Leaks"
The musical comedy show "Glee" has bested The Beatles record for the most hit singles. Of course, those singles were sung by other artists.
Kim Kardashian and her sister Kourtney are in New York to promote their next show, Kourtney and Kim take New York. A show with all three sisters would never work. If Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe are all in a show together, the show would be called KKK.
The Social Security Administration says that 89,000 stimulus checks for $250 each were sent to people who were either dead or in jail. They spent money that turned out useless? It must have been by force of habit.
A poll says that 25% of college students would be relieved to not be so connected to the Internet and their cell phones. These people are commonly referred to as "liars".
According to a new study, poor health care is shortening American lives. Well gee, I could have thought of that.
Sandra Bullock is in negotiations to star in the movie “Gravity”. If it's a movie about things that are scientifically forced to the ground, it must be a documentary about her marriage to Jessie James.
Sunday’s date of 10/10/10 is attracting a rush of people to get married. The exact opposite thing happened on 6/6/06.
Michelle Obama has been picked as the world’s most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place: Justin Bieber.
A new book says that nine out of ten Americans believe in God. The other person is what most Americans call "a scientist".
A poll says that 50% more Americans are voting early. In that case, when's Election Day?
President Obama is reportedly upset with intelligence leaks to the media. He's also upset over media reports leaking that he's upset.
Lady Gaga finished ahead of Nancy Pelosi on the Forbes list of most powerful women. Nancy Pelosi is furious over the decision, and I agree. Lady Gaga doesn't really qualify as a "woman".
Tourism to Mexico is up 20% this year. You know the economy sucks when more people are going to Mexico than from Mexico.
The 14 year old girl who was the voice of “Dora The Explorer” is suing Nickelodeon, saying they cheated her out of millions of dollars of royalties. Because every bilingual 8-year old deserves to be a multimillionaire.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Kim Kardashian and her sister Kourtney are in New York to promote their next show, Kourtney and Kim take New York. A show with all three sisters would never work. If Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe are all in a show together, the show would be called KKK.
The Social Security Administration says that 89,000 stimulus checks for $250 each were sent to people who were either dead or in jail. They spent money that turned out useless? It must have been by force of habit.
A poll says that 25% of college students would be relieved to not be so connected to the Internet and their cell phones. These people are commonly referred to as "liars".
According to a new study, poor health care is shortening American lives. Well gee, I could have thought of that.
Sandra Bullock is in negotiations to star in the movie “Gravity”. If it's a movie about things that are scientifically forced to the ground, it must be a documentary about her marriage to Jessie James.
Sunday’s date of 10/10/10 is attracting a rush of people to get married. The exact opposite thing happened on 6/6/06.
Michelle Obama has been picked as the world’s most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place: Justin Bieber.
A new book says that nine out of ten Americans believe in God. The other person is what most Americans call "a scientist".
A poll says that 50% more Americans are voting early. In that case, when's Election Day?
President Obama is reportedly upset with intelligence leaks to the media. He's also upset over media reports leaking that he's upset.
Lady Gaga finished ahead of Nancy Pelosi on the Forbes list of most powerful women. Nancy Pelosi is furious over the decision, and I agree. Lady Gaga doesn't really qualify as a "woman".
Tourism to Mexico is up 20% this year. You know the economy sucks when more people are going to Mexico than from Mexico.
The 14 year old girl who was the voice of “Dora The Explorer” is suing Nickelodeon, saying they cheated her out of millions of dollars of royalties. Because every bilingual 8-year old deserves to be a multimillionaire.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, October 7, 2010
"A Second Shot"
So far, Meg Whitman has spent $140 million of her own money to run for governor of California. If she loses, consider it a good investment.
Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?
New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.
Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.
A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?
A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.
A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.
The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.
A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.
Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?
A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?
New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.
Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.
A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?
A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.
A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.
The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.
A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.
Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?
A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".
A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, October 6, 2010
"The Creepy Line"
What's the difference between Charlie Sheen's wife and baseballs pitched to the Cincinnati Reds? Charlie Sheen's wife actually gets hit.
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.
Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.
The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.
The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?
Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.
Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?
A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".
A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.
A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.
An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.
A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?
The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.
A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?
A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".
A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.
Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.
The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.
The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?
Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.
Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?
A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".
A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.
A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.
An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.
A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?
The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.
A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?
A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".
A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, October 5, 2010
"Lean Forward"
Christine O’Donnell says she possesses classified information indicating China is plotting to take over the US. To which Walmart employees said, "They haven't done that yet?".
In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".
In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.
The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.
MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".
A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.
Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?
Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.
Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.
Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.
A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.
A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.
A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.
A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.
A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".
In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.
The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.
MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".
A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.
Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?
Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.
Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.
Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.
A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.
A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.
A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.
A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.
A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Monday, October 4, 2010
"Received Death Threats"
The wife of the imam who wanted a mosque at Ground Zero said Sunday that she and her husband have received death threats. Mainly from Terry Jones.
In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.
The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.
The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.
In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".
John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.
The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".
CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".
South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.
Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.
Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.
A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.
According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.
A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.
Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.
After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?
Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.
The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.
The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.
In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".
John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.
The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".
CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".
South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.
Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.
Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.
A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.
According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.
A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.
Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.
After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?
Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Saturday, October 2, 2010
"Empty Calories"
A poll says 32.3% of Americans are not affiliated with a major party. The other 67.7% work in politics.
Washington, D.C. is going to offer AIDS testing at the DMV. You know the DMV is boring when a way to kill time is to test for AIDS.
The Post Office is expecting to lose $6 Billion this year. Mainly because everybody is using email now.
A study says that one third of animals thought to be extinct eventually show up again. Please tell me that the 1/3 of animals does not include dinosaurs.
The FBI says that cyber thieves stole $70 Million from online bank accounts. Who knew that $70 Million existed here in the first place?
A study says that 40% of cancer survivors experience problems with their memory. In that case, how do they know they survived cancer?
A study says that grunting can help a tennis player win a match by throwing off their opponent. This study was conducted while scientists watched Maria Sharapova.
A study says that 40% of kids’ food intake is empty calories. The other 60% includes fats, carbs, and sugars.
A study says that thinner men have a higher suicide rate. Of all people to hate the way they look, it's the skinny guys.
Writer and producer Stephen J. Cannell has died at age 69 from complications from Melanoma. This would have been really ironic if he was a gay porn star.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Washington, D.C. is going to offer AIDS testing at the DMV. You know the DMV is boring when a way to kill time is to test for AIDS.
The Post Office is expecting to lose $6 Billion this year. Mainly because everybody is using email now.
A study says that one third of animals thought to be extinct eventually show up again. Please tell me that the 1/3 of animals does not include dinosaurs.
The FBI says that cyber thieves stole $70 Million from online bank accounts. Who knew that $70 Million existed here in the first place?
A study says that 40% of cancer survivors experience problems with their memory. In that case, how do they know they survived cancer?
A study says that grunting can help a tennis player win a match by throwing off their opponent. This study was conducted while scientists watched Maria Sharapova.
A study says that 40% of kids’ food intake is empty calories. The other 60% includes fats, carbs, and sugars.
A study says that thinner men have a higher suicide rate. Of all people to hate the way they look, it's the skinny guys.
Writer and producer Stephen J. Cannell has died at age 69 from complications from Melanoma. This would have been really ironic if he was a gay porn star.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Friday, October 1, 2010
"Food Porn"
The Senate passed a bill requiring TV stations to make the sound levels of commercials the same as the shows they interrupt. Okay, exactly what significance does this have?
The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?
The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.
Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.
Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.
A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".
Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.
Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?
The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.
Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.
Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.
A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?
A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.
The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?
Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?
Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?
A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.
Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, September 30, 2010
"Being Dishonest"
President Obama, on the campaign trail, is telling voters that Republicans are being dishonest. Uh, Mr. President, that's called "politics".
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Officials say there are terror plots throughout Europe. The number one threat: British people smiling.
Former Pres. Jimmy Carter will be in a Cleveland hospital for a second night. I don't think being in Cleveland will make him feel any better.
Lucasfilm says “Star Wars” films will be converted into 3-D and re-released. This is another attempt to get nerds out of the house.
A survey says that 41% of Americans don’t know that Joe Biden is the Vice President. The other 59% of Americans told the 41%, "You're lucky you don't".
A poll says that 77% of independents feel that the government is broken. I want to meet the 23% of people who don't feel that the government is broken.
Scientists say a “Fountain of Youth” anti-aging pill will be on the shelves within two years that could add decades to lives. It beats the old version: Working out.
The number of gay characters on network TV went up slightly this season, with 23 out of 600 roles defined as gay or lesbian. "How could this be possible?", said the people who have never heard of Glee.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” is writing a romance novel. Snooki means as much to romance as Larry King means to youth.
A survey says that 58% of Americans go online to research products and services they want to buy. The other 42% of Americans base it off of whose commercials are the funniest.
Speeches by different federal officials show that there is a division in the government to the course of action that should be taken for the economy. That's exactly why we can't get anything done.
A study says that smog may lead to a risk of diabetes. In that case, why do people smoke to get skinnier?
A study says that social rejection could cause a person harm by impacting their heart rate. No wonder the pulse of a nerd feels like a jackhammer.
Porn star Devon James says she has a 62 minute tape of her and Tiger Woods, with 37 minutes of it showing them having sex. The other 25 minutes was Tiger telling Devon to not tell his wife.
McDonald’s is threatening to drop health coverage for their hourly workers because of money. This is horrible news, as there won't be a McDonald's employee who will be able to afford gastric bypass surgery.
That's all for today! More today!
-This post is dedicated to the memory of Greg Giraldo, one of my favorite comedians, who died tragically yesterday due to a drug overdose. Greg was, in my eyes, the most underrated comedian in history. Not a lot of people knew who he was, but he was unbelievably funny. The comedy world lost one of its best yesterday. I'm gonna miss you Greg. Comedy will NEVER be the same.
Wednesday, September 29, 2010
"Christian By Choice"
A new survey shows that Americans do not know much about religion. That's because all the brainiacs are not religious.
President Obama’s top economic advisor Larry Summers said, “People aren’t going to live with their parents forever.” Hey, Mr. Summers, go to ComicCon and say that.
A Canadian judge struck down that nation’s laws against prostitution. This is great news for all three hookers that live in Canada.
Michael Vick’s jerseys are in demand. Unfortunately, half of the purchases are by dogs who want to rip them to shreds.
Collectible Justin Bieber dolls will be available in toy stores before Christmas. However, there's already a collectible Justin Bieber doll. His name is Ken.
Some Major League Baseball players are criticizing their own fans because low attendance is “disheartening” and “embarrassing”. I don't think it's our fault; the person at fault is the guy who determines ticket prices.
For the second time in two weeks, Kansas City Chiefs defensive end Shaun Smith has been accused of grabbing an opposing player’s genitals. No wonder the Chiefs are horrible; their players are going for the wrong balls.
The United States government apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York attended by President Barack Obama on Friday. Another thing Obama hopes is upside down: the graph that shows his approval rating.
TMZ is reporting that Meg Whitman hired an undocumented worker to clean her house. To which Colin Powell said, "I've never heard of such a thing".
One alleged sex victim of of Pastor Long sent a message to him, calling him a “monster”. That's odd. Usually, sex victims of pastors call them "a big stinky doo-doo head".
Downtown Los Angeles reach a record 113 degrees. If only the Dodgers were this hot.
The Census says that marriages were at a record low for 2009 with only 52% of adults in a marriage. Of that 52%, 1% of adults actually give a damn about their spouse.
The Census is reporting a record gap between rich and poor Americans. What's worse is that rich people don't really care.
The southern California heat wave left thousands without power. Soon to be a Californian without power: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
CBS and NBC pulled an upset win at the News and Documentary Emmy Awards over the favored PBS. CBS and NBC won because nobody watches PBS.
Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab, her fifth visit in three years. If she gets five more, she'll have her 11th visit free.
President Obama told an audience he is a Christian by choice. In fact, he was so confident that he swore on the Koran.
The Tampa Bay Rays will give away 20,000 tickets for their last home game of the regular season. This is expected to bring their attendance total to 20,003.
A new law in California makes it illegal to maliciously impersonate someone online. I wonder how the governor of California would get that idea.
Rutgers is starting a two year program to try to get people on campus to behave better. Isn't that called rehab?
That's all for right now! More coming tomorrow!
Congratulations to my Cincinnati Reds for clinching the National League Central! Go Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!
President Obama’s top economic advisor Larry Summers said, “People aren’t going to live with their parents forever.” Hey, Mr. Summers, go to ComicCon and say that.
A Canadian judge struck down that nation’s laws against prostitution. This is great news for all three hookers that live in Canada.
Michael Vick’s jerseys are in demand. Unfortunately, half of the purchases are by dogs who want to rip them to shreds.
Collectible Justin Bieber dolls will be available in toy stores before Christmas. However, there's already a collectible Justin Bieber doll. His name is Ken.
Some Major League Baseball players are criticizing their own fans because low attendance is “disheartening” and “embarrassing”. I don't think it's our fault; the person at fault is the guy who determines ticket prices.
For the second time in two weeks, Kansas City Chiefs defensive end Shaun Smith has been accused of grabbing an opposing player’s genitals. No wonder the Chiefs are horrible; their players are going for the wrong balls.
The United States government apologized for displaying the Philippine flag upside down at an event in New York attended by President Barack Obama on Friday. Another thing Obama hopes is upside down: the graph that shows his approval rating.
TMZ is reporting that Meg Whitman hired an undocumented worker to clean her house. To which Colin Powell said, "I've never heard of such a thing".
One alleged sex victim of of Pastor Long sent a message to him, calling him a “monster”. That's odd. Usually, sex victims of pastors call them "a big stinky doo-doo head".
Downtown Los Angeles reach a record 113 degrees. If only the Dodgers were this hot.
The Census says that marriages were at a record low for 2009 with only 52% of adults in a marriage. Of that 52%, 1% of adults actually give a damn about their spouse.
The Census is reporting a record gap between rich and poor Americans. What's worse is that rich people don't really care.
The southern California heat wave left thousands without power. Soon to be a Californian without power: Arnold Schwarzenegger.
CBS and NBC pulled an upset win at the News and Documentary Emmy Awards over the favored PBS. CBS and NBC won because nobody watches PBS.
Lindsay Lohan is back in rehab, her fifth visit in three years. If she gets five more, she'll have her 11th visit free.
President Obama told an audience he is a Christian by choice. In fact, he was so confident that he swore on the Koran.
The Tampa Bay Rays will give away 20,000 tickets for their last home game of the regular season. This is expected to bring their attendance total to 20,003.
A new law in California makes it illegal to maliciously impersonate someone online. I wonder how the governor of California would get that idea.
Rutgers is starting a two year program to try to get people on campus to behave better. Isn't that called rehab?
That's all for right now! More coming tomorrow!
Congratulations to my Cincinnati Reds for clinching the National League Central! Go Reds!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Tuesday, September 28, 2010
"Not A Human Being"
Joke of the Day: Bill Clinton has revealed his weight loss secret. "It's no secret", said Monica.
Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.
Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".
The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...
Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.
A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.
Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.
ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.
Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?
Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.
A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?
A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".
McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?
Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".
The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.
That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!
A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.
Albert Haynesworth, of the Washington Redskins, says his $100 million contract does not make him a “slave”. Of course it doesn't. Slaves don't get paid.
Lil' Wayne will release his album entitled, "I am not a human being." In other news, Britney Spears will release an album entitled, "This is not my actual singing".
The man who owns Segway scooters was killed when he rode one off a cliff. Speaking of segways...
Some U.S. executions are being held up because of a shortage of one of the lethal injection drugs. Apparently these executioners haven't heard of the electric chair, the gas chamber, or a firing squad.
A poll says that only 38% of Americans say they would vote to re-elect President Obama. The other 62% don't want us to suffer as a country.
California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger’s job rating is down to 31%. In fact, the only thing he's good for: an impersonation.
Kim Jong Il has named his son a four star general in anticipation that he will become the country’s next ruler. "I've never heard of giving such an honor to someone who isn't even the leader of their country yet. We don't know how he's going to do," said President Obama.
ATMs selling gold bars are coming to the U.S. Great, they're just in time for nobody to be able to afford them.
Research says that people who made it through the recession easier are older, Republican and live in east coast suburbs. Aren't these people called "grandparents"?
Max Weinberg is leaving as Conan O’Brien’s band director after 17 years. This is a shame to some of the members of the Max Weinberg 7: What's his face, some guy, and the other dude.
A UK supermarket chain is selling Viagra to its customers. I have an idea: how about toothpaste?
A study says that women apologize more than men. For example, they apologize to themselves by saying, "I'm sorry I married that loser".
McDonald’s is testing a meal size chicken wrap. Who knew you could fit Chicken McNuggets, a Large Fry, and a Large Soda in a single tortilla?
Panasonic will debut a 12’ flat screen TV that will cost a half million dollars. It's the perfect way of saying, "I have way too much money".
The U.N. has denied it has appointed a “first contact” ambassador to visiting space aliens. They added that they have enough problems with aliens in the first place.
That's all I have for today! The magic number is still one! Let's clinch the division, guys! We can do this! More jokes coming tomorrow!
A MESSAGE FOR ST. LOUIS
Dear St. Louis, Sorry you couldn't make the playoffs. Enjoy your 1-2 Rams. Love, Cincinnati.
Monday, September 27, 2010
"A Huge Fireball"
Congressman Hoyer says Stephen Colbert’s humorous testimony before a congressional committee was “inappropriate” and “an embarrassment”. You know, kind of like Congress.
Hyundai is recalling 140,000 of its 2011 Sonata sedans sold in the US because of a steering problem. Talk about a turn in the wrong direction.
Actress Lindsay Lohan was freed from jail Friday, just hours after being sent there by a judge. All she had to do was tell a judge, "I'm a celebrity, I only have to serve 1% of my sentence".
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville got married. After the couple gave their vows, the priest said, "I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now shoot the groom in the nuts".
A huge fireball was seen in the skies over Texas. Of course, since it was a ball in Texas, it slipped right through the Longhorns' secondary.
Fifteen Chrysler workers were caught drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana on their lunch break. This must explain the quality of their cars.
A study says that one in nine teens use sunless tanning products. The other 8 teens don't live near a beach.
A study says that Neanderthals were smarter than they were given credit for. I agree. One of them used to host a talk show on CNN.
The Octomom held a yard sale to try to raise money at which she was auctioning off a nursing bra and bikini. Good luck trying to get people to feel sorry for you, Octomom.
A postal worker in Pennsylvania has been given probation after stashing more than 12,000 pieces of mail. Wait, who still gets mail?
Hollywood experts say that Lindsay Lohan could take ten years to revive her career. What career?
Cincinnati pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw the fastest pitch ever clocked at a Major League game at 105 mph. It disappeared faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
BP says that its company had limitations. On how much work they could do during the oil spill.
That's all for today! The magic number for the Reds is 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I hope we clinch tomorrow because I'm going to the game then! It'll be nice to see the Reds clinch then. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Hyundai is recalling 140,000 of its 2011 Sonata sedans sold in the US because of a steering problem. Talk about a turn in the wrong direction.
Actress Lindsay Lohan was freed from jail Friday, just hours after being sent there by a judge. All she had to do was tell a judge, "I'm a celebrity, I only have to serve 1% of my sentence".
“Jackass” star Johnny Knoxville got married. After the couple gave their vows, the priest said, "I pronounce you husband and wife. You may now shoot the groom in the nuts".
A huge fireball was seen in the skies over Texas. Of course, since it was a ball in Texas, it slipped right through the Longhorns' secondary.
Fifteen Chrysler workers were caught drinking alcohol and smoking marijuana on their lunch break. This must explain the quality of their cars.
A study says that one in nine teens use sunless tanning products. The other 8 teens don't live near a beach.
A study says that Neanderthals were smarter than they were given credit for. I agree. One of them used to host a talk show on CNN.
The Octomom held a yard sale to try to raise money at which she was auctioning off a nursing bra and bikini. Good luck trying to get people to feel sorry for you, Octomom.
A postal worker in Pennsylvania has been given probation after stashing more than 12,000 pieces of mail. Wait, who still gets mail?
Hollywood experts say that Lindsay Lohan could take ten years to revive her career. What career?
Cincinnati pitcher Aroldis Chapman threw the fastest pitch ever clocked at a Major League game at 105 mph. It disappeared faster than the Cubs' playoff chances.
BP says that its company had limitations. On how much work they could do during the oil spill.
That's all for today! The magic number for the Reds is 1!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OMG I hope we clinch tomorrow because I'm going to the game then! It'll be nice to see the Reds clinch then. Anyway, more tomorrow!
Sunday, September 26, 2010
"Suicide Note"
A man committed suicide on Harvard’s campus, leaving a 1,905 page document called “Suicide Note”. If a note is almost 2,000 pages, what's an essay?
Warren Buffett says that taxpayers should get over their anger. That's easy to say when you're the second richest man in America.
Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer called gubernatorial candidate Andrew Cuomo “The dirtiest and nastiest political player out there.” This, coming from an old man who had sex with a hooker.
Stephen Colbert gave a humorous presentation to Congress about migrant farm workers which angered many Washington reporters, one of whom said he “made a mockery of Congress”. Look, dude, it's not like it isn't true.
NBC CEO Jeff Zucker has been fired. Actually, he was fired, then he came back seven months later with the 11:35 time slot.
A poll says that people dislike Democratic politicians, but they also don’t like Republicans. That's politics for ya.
A study says that a tax on alcohol could make us all healthier. It would also make Lindsay Lohan go broke.
White House officials admit that the recovery could take years. It would be nice for those officials to comment on something other than Lindsay Lohan.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has a plan to fight traffic fatalities around the world. It's called "banning cell phones".
A study says that American children don’t drink enough water. Unless you count the carbonated water in soda.
New home sales were flat in August. Hey, at least something in America is flat.
Researchers say that city life affects human evolution. I think evolution is like bipartisanship in America: it would mean something if it actually existed; but it doesn't.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Warren Buffett says that taxpayers should get over their anger. That's easy to say when you're the second richest man in America.
Former New York Governor Eliot Spitzer called gubernatorial candidate Andrew Cuomo “The dirtiest and nastiest political player out there.” This, coming from an old man who had sex with a hooker.
Stephen Colbert gave a humorous presentation to Congress about migrant farm workers which angered many Washington reporters, one of whom said he “made a mockery of Congress”. Look, dude, it's not like it isn't true.
NBC CEO Jeff Zucker has been fired. Actually, he was fired, then he came back seven months later with the 11:35 time slot.
A poll says that people dislike Democratic politicians, but they also don’t like Republicans. That's politics for ya.
A study says that a tax on alcohol could make us all healthier. It would also make Lindsay Lohan go broke.
White House officials admit that the recovery could take years. It would be nice for those officials to comment on something other than Lindsay Lohan.
New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg says he has a plan to fight traffic fatalities around the world. It's called "banning cell phones".
A study says that American children don’t drink enough water. Unless you count the carbonated water in soda.
New home sales were flat in August. Hey, at least something in America is flat.
Researchers say that city life affects human evolution. I think evolution is like bipartisanship in America: it would mean something if it actually existed; but it doesn't.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, September 24, 2010
"Cut In Half"
Katy Perry 's appearance on "Sesame Street" was cut out because she wore an outfit revealing too much cleavage for the children's show. That's what she gets for Waking Up in Vegas.
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Congress has changed wording of all federal legislation to omit the term "mentally retarded" and replace it with "intellectual disability". Now, Congress won't be as offended when people use the term to them.
Kirstie Alley says she has lost more than fifty pounds. Given her history, she'll probably gain it back within a few days.
Doctors warned legislators in Congress that student athletes can have altered lives if they are not protected from blows to the head. In fact, if they get a blow to the head more than three times, they are going to come dangerously close to having the intelligence of a congressman.
An organization of leading economies based out of France says that the residents of the world’s richest countries are getting fatter. If the fatter countries are rich, then explain the United States.
Jennifer Lopez says she won’t be a diva in her role as judge on “American Idol”. She will allow Steven Tyler to take that role.
A survey says that 57% of voters in the U.S. don’t support federal regulations for the Internet. The other 43% of voters don't watch porn.
Lindsay Lohan reportedly was drunk while she tweeted her confession of failing a drug test while on probation. I'm glad that Lindsay Lohan is finally learning her lesson.
The number of unmarried couples living together in the U.S. went up 13% this year. Take Tiger Woods out of the picture and the number actually went down.
A Canadian woman’s body was cut in half to treat an aggressive form of cancer. Doctors are giving her a half-and-half chance of survival.
“American Idol” has announced that Steven Tyler and Jennifer Lopez have joined the show as judges. The two are actually very different. One of them is a very famous female vocalist with a plastic body, and the other one is Jennifer Lopez.
Two women teachers from South Carolina have been accused of having sex and drug parties with their students over the summer. Apparently "putting the pencil in the sharpener" has a double meaning.
Federal authorities say a bag of cocaine was lost during a layover at an airport in Pittsburgh. By force of habit, Paris Hilton said that it wasn't hers.
Bill Gates and Warren Buffett top the list of Forbes 400 richest Americans. Please, tell me how this is news.
The coach of the New York Jets has told his team to stop embarrassing the organization. To which Dallas Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said, "Oh, you think you have it bad?".
A former FDA official says that LASIK eye surgery can lead to permanent vision problems. In that case, what's the point of eye surgery?
Scientists say one benefit from the recession is fewer shark attacks because of fewer people going to the beach for vacation. To which BP said, "I wonder why...".
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Thursday, September 23, 2010
"She Is Bored"
Jennifer Lopez and Steven Tyler will join Randy Jackson as “American Idol” judges next season. This once again proves that you don't need talent to judge other people's singing.
A pain management doctor testified that the 1,500 pills Anna Nicole Smith took in one month did not constitute an addiction. If that isn't an addiction, what is?
The author of a new book says the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in 1912 because of a steering error. Well duh, they hit an iceberg.
The owner of one of the Iowa egg farms linked to massive salmonella illnesses refused to testify before congress. In this case, the chicken came after the egg.
Jimmy Carter says he has had the best post-presidential career. Yes, because the most important thing in a President is what you do while you aren't in office.
Housing concerns have passed childcare as reasons for family stress, according to family assistance programs. Unless you are the Octomom.
Airlines say that if late term pregnant women want to fly, they can hide their condition. Good luck with that.
The Green Party candidate for Senate in Maryland was struck and killed by an SUV while riding her bike. That's like a germophobe coming down with a cold.
A friend says that Lindsay Lohan uses drugs because she is bored. Of course she's bored; she isn't working at all.
A report says that the Internet population will reach 5 Billion people by 2025. In other words, 5 Billion people by 2025 will have heard of porn.
That's all I have for right now! More coming later!
A pain management doctor testified that the 1,500 pills Anna Nicole Smith took in one month did not constitute an addiction. If that isn't an addiction, what is?
The author of a new book says the Titanic hit an iceberg and sank in 1912 because of a steering error. Well duh, they hit an iceberg.
The owner of one of the Iowa egg farms linked to massive salmonella illnesses refused to testify before congress. In this case, the chicken came after the egg.
Jimmy Carter says he has had the best post-presidential career. Yes, because the most important thing in a President is what you do while you aren't in office.
Housing concerns have passed childcare as reasons for family stress, according to family assistance programs. Unless you are the Octomom.
Airlines say that if late term pregnant women want to fly, they can hide their condition. Good luck with that.
The Green Party candidate for Senate in Maryland was struck and killed by an SUV while riding her bike. That's like a germophobe coming down with a cold.
A friend says that Lindsay Lohan uses drugs because she is bored. Of course she's bored; she isn't working at all.
A report says that the Internet population will reach 5 Billion people by 2025. In other words, 5 Billion people by 2025 will have heard of porn.
That's all I have for right now! More coming later!
Wednesday, September 22, 2010
"Broke His Leg"
HELLO!!! OMFG THIS IS MY 200TH POST!!!
Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.
Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?
President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.
NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.
Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.
British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.
Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.
A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.
Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...
A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.
The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?
A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Joke of the Day: Today is the first day of autumn. It's that time of year where leaves change color faster than Sammy Sosa.
Larry Summer, the White House’s top economic advisor, says he will leave that position. Wait, someone advises our economy? Where the hell has he been?
President Obama’s aunt says the United States is obligated to make her a US citizen. Things got a little weird when his aunt said, "Haha, beat you to it".
Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad blamed capitalism for poverty in the world. In other words, it's our fault.
NFL star Reggie Bush, who returned his Heisman Trophy without apologizing, broke his leg in Monday night’s game. Bush plans to be out of football for a while. Unless he is ruled ineligible.
Denver Broncos WR Kenny McKinley has committed suicide. He killed himself after he realized that he plays for the Denver Broncos.
British children's weekly pocket money has fallen to a seven-year low, in a sign parents are still cutting back on non-essential spending. Even more scary, buying dental hygiene products is considered non-essential spending to the British.
Studies suggest that larger women earn less than skinnier women. Especially if they work in porn.
A report from George Washington University says that obesity hurts your health. In a related story, I'm overweight and unattractive to women.
Two Indiana kids have died after they spent 10 hours in the closet. You experiment with being gay for one day and this happens...
A study says that iPhone users want to switch Verizon. It's not that they want to switch to Verizon, it's that they want to get the hell off of AT&T.
The U.S. has fallen behind world markets Brazil, China and India as the best places to invest. When it comes to the best places to invest, who knew the U.S. was ahead of anybody?
A poll says that 35% of Americans would like George W. Bush back in power as President. You know you suck as a President when people prefer George Bush over you.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Tuesday, September 21, 2010
"Known And Unknown"
After stating that illegal immigrants worked around his house, Colin Powell now says he doesn’t hire illegals. Anymore.
Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.
Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?
Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.
Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.
The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?
A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".
Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.
Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?
A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?
Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.
Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.
That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!
Washington says the recession ended in June of 2009. Good luck getting the rest of us to agree.
Wal-Mart says it will aggressively build a new version of its stores, much smaller than its supercenters. Won't it be kind of difficult to ship buildings from China?
Leonard Skinner, the high school gym teacher whose name inspired the band name Lynyrd Skynyrd, died recently. In response, the community held a cigarette lighter vigil.
Donald Rumsfeld's memoir called "Known and Unknown" will be released in January. However, the release was delayed after it was discovered that Pastor Terry Jones had already taken that title.
The UK is proposing that all paychecks go to the government which will then be distributed after all taxes are taken out. Isn't that called socialism?
A Chicago man has been charged with plotting to detonate a bomb near Wrigley Field. The bomb was labeled "Cubs playoff chances".
Harvard Economics Professor Mark Feldstein says raising taxes would cause a recession. It's nice to know that this professor finally came out of his coma.
Moral search engines are being created by religious groups to "squeeze out" the sin on the Internet. That's like trying to "squeeze out" the racism of Mel Gibson?
A study says that the common cold virus could be making kids fat. Who knew McDonald's employees were sick in the first place?
Paris Hilton is admitting the cocaine found in her purse belonged to her. In another horrible attempt at timeliness, Al-Qaeda is admitting to being behind 9/11.
Boeing is developing a solar powered unmanned plane that could fly for five years without landing. Of course, most planes nowadays take five years just to take off from the runway.
That's all I have for today! Let's just pray that I make it to iPhunny! More jokes coming tomorrow!
Monday, September 20, 2010
"Contagious Yawning"
Republican Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell says she dabbled in witchcraft more than a decade ago in high school. Larry King even remembers the days when witchcraft was punishable by death.
The American woman who was held in Iran for more than 13 months says she is not a spy. To which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, that's what they all say".
The NFL says members of the New York Jets behaved unprofessionally toward a female reporter. This even angered the Pittsburgh Steelers. They said, "You can't do that. That's our job".
The world famous soccer fan who said that she promised to run through the streets naked if Paraguay won the World Cup is featured in Playboy in Brazil. One way or another, we knew she was desperate to get naked.
The Montana GOP is endorsing a law that would make homosexual acts illegal. In other words, nobody in Montana is allowed to run for Senate, become a priest, or watch Glee.
Scientists have completed their genetic mapping of the cacao tree which accounts for most of the world’s chocolate. Coming in second place: the stomachs of Americans.
The new CBS show “Mike and Molly” is about two overweight people who meet at an Overeaters’ Anonymous meeting. Mainly because they were the only two people who were able to fit into the room.
A study says that children with autism are immune to contagious yawning. This is great news for me! Now I don't have to be bored like everyone else!
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
The American woman who was held in Iran for more than 13 months says she is not a spy. To which Mahmoud Ahmadinejad said, "Oh, that's what they all say".
The NFL says members of the New York Jets behaved unprofessionally toward a female reporter. This even angered the Pittsburgh Steelers. They said, "You can't do that. That's our job".
The world famous soccer fan who said that she promised to run through the streets naked if Paraguay won the World Cup is featured in Playboy in Brazil. One way or another, we knew she was desperate to get naked.
The Montana GOP is endorsing a law that would make homosexual acts illegal. In other words, nobody in Montana is allowed to run for Senate, become a priest, or watch Glee.
Scientists have completed their genetic mapping of the cacao tree which accounts for most of the world’s chocolate. Coming in second place: the stomachs of Americans.
The new CBS show “Mike and Molly” is about two overweight people who meet at an Overeaters’ Anonymous meeting. Mainly because they were the only two people who were able to fit into the room.
A study says that children with autism are immune to contagious yawning. This is great news for me! Now I don't have to be bored like everyone else!
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Sunday, September 19, 2010
"Gigantic Home Run"
Capcom is planning to launch a Facebook game in October. It'll combine the elements of Capcom as well as the elements of Facebook games. They are calling it "Resident E-Ville".
Audi gave Tom Brady a new car after his recent crash. Because if anybody needs a car for free, it's the guy who just got a multimillion dollar contract to play in the NFL.
Judge Judy has knocked Oprah out of the top spot in daytime TV. And she didn't even take anybody to Australia.
Macy’s says that Madonna’s new line of clothes is a “Big, gigantic home run”. When she heard "Big, gigantic home run", Madonna said, "Oh, I'm done with A-Rod".
U.S. scientists have created robots that can not only lie and deceive other robots, but people as well. To make it go even a step further, they gave it the ability to sell insurance.
That's it for today! I couldn't find many news stories today, but I'll have more tomorrow!
Audi gave Tom Brady a new car after his recent crash. Because if anybody needs a car for free, it's the guy who just got a multimillion dollar contract to play in the NFL.
Judge Judy has knocked Oprah out of the top spot in daytime TV. And she didn't even take anybody to Australia.
Macy’s says that Madonna’s new line of clothes is a “Big, gigantic home run”. When she heard "Big, gigantic home run", Madonna said, "Oh, I'm done with A-Rod".
U.S. scientists have created robots that can not only lie and deceive other robots, but people as well. To make it go even a step further, they gave it the ability to sell insurance.
That's it for today! I couldn't find many news stories today, but I'll have more tomorrow!
Friday, September 17, 2010
"A Wussy Game"
Reggie Bush said Thursday that giving up his Heisman Trophy is “not an admission of guilt”. Yeah, and I allowed the repo man to take my car, but I clearly made the payments.
NFL Hall of Famer Roger Staubach says today’s pro football is a “wussy game”. However, I believe that the NFL has its share of tough guys. Well, they're that way off the field.
NY Yankees star Derek Jeter faked being hit on the arm against Tampa Bay when an inside pitch really hit his bat. In fact, that was such a bad acting performance that he'd fit right in with A-Rod's ex-girlfriends.
A study in London says that drugs used to treat acne, like Accutane, do not cause depression. Unless they don't work.
Authorities in Washington say police shot a man who pointed a gun at them on Capitol Hill. Angry men on Capitol Hill; don't we call them Senators?
Michael Jackson thought people wanted him dead because of "vicious rumors about him molesting children". In a related story, priests all across the country have gone into hiding.
An alleged threat to Pope Benedict XVI led to the arrests of five men in London on Friday. It was later determined that all five men have a son in the Catholic church.
A study says that 25% of Americans are plugged in to the Internet during sex. Of those people, 100% of them got their lover from Craigslist.
The world’s smallest cow measures just 33 inches in height. He hopes that one day he will no longer be shorter than the udder cows.
A King Kong musical could make it to Broadway. That is, if he can make it off the Empire State Building.
A study says that air pollution is linked to deadly cardiac arrest. If you live in Mexico City or Beijing, you're screwed.
A study says that only 5% of Americans do any exercise on any given day. The other 95% aren't forced to.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
NFL Hall of Famer Roger Staubach says today’s pro football is a “wussy game”. However, I believe that the NFL has its share of tough guys. Well, they're that way off the field.
NY Yankees star Derek Jeter faked being hit on the arm against Tampa Bay when an inside pitch really hit his bat. In fact, that was such a bad acting performance that he'd fit right in with A-Rod's ex-girlfriends.
A study in London says that drugs used to treat acne, like Accutane, do not cause depression. Unless they don't work.
Authorities in Washington say police shot a man who pointed a gun at them on Capitol Hill. Angry men on Capitol Hill; don't we call them Senators?
Michael Jackson thought people wanted him dead because of "vicious rumors about him molesting children". In a related story, priests all across the country have gone into hiding.
An alleged threat to Pope Benedict XVI led to the arrests of five men in London on Friday. It was later determined that all five men have a son in the Catholic church.
A study says that 25% of Americans are plugged in to the Internet during sex. Of those people, 100% of them got their lover from Craigslist.
The world’s smallest cow measures just 33 inches in height. He hopes that one day he will no longer be shorter than the udder cows.
A King Kong musical could make it to Broadway. That is, if he can make it off the Empire State Building.
A study says that air pollution is linked to deadly cardiac arrest. If you live in Mexico City or Beijing, you're screwed.
A study says that only 5% of Americans do any exercise on any given day. The other 95% aren't forced to.
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Thursday, September 16, 2010
"A One-Legged Boxer"
Joke of the Day: CNBC is reporting that Americans are $6.6 Trillion short of the amount of money they need to retire. And you thought Brett Favre couldn't make up his mind before...
Palestinian and Israeli peace talks ended with no substantive agreement. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Peace talks ended with no substantive agreement"...
New research shows that the definition of “family” is dramatically changing. The new definition is "a group of people that hate each other and happen to be related".
Danish police arrested a one-legged boxer as the man who is suspected of setting off a small explosion. When they received the news, IHOP fired him from his job.
The rate of illegal drug use rose last year to the highest level in nearly a decade. I didn't know the NFL had that much influence in our country.
According to a new government report, one third of teens who went through sex education were not taught about birth control. The other two thirds don't really care.
A CNN poll says that only 25% of the public trusts the government. In a related poll, FOX News released a poll that says that 0% of the public trusts the government.
A medical marijuana dispensary in California is selling pot enhanced ice cream. They come in sizes of extra large, extra extra large, and tanker truck.
The EPA has fined the 99 Cents Only stores for selling unregistered or mislabeled pesticides. What do you expect from a 99 Cent store?
Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban says that LeBron James’ “The Decision” was the biggest public humiliation in the history of sports. This, coming from the second biggest public humiliation in the history of sports.
A study says that exercise can make kids smarter. Unless you are a college athlete.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Palestinian and Israeli peace talks ended with no substantive agreement. If I had a nickel for every time I heard "Peace talks ended with no substantive agreement"...
New research shows that the definition of “family” is dramatically changing. The new definition is "a group of people that hate each other and happen to be related".
Danish police arrested a one-legged boxer as the man who is suspected of setting off a small explosion. When they received the news, IHOP fired him from his job.
The rate of illegal drug use rose last year to the highest level in nearly a decade. I didn't know the NFL had that much influence in our country.
According to a new government report, one third of teens who went through sex education were not taught about birth control. The other two thirds don't really care.
A CNN poll says that only 25% of the public trusts the government. In a related poll, FOX News released a poll that says that 0% of the public trusts the government.
A medical marijuana dispensary in California is selling pot enhanced ice cream. They come in sizes of extra large, extra extra large, and tanker truck.
The EPA has fined the 99 Cents Only stores for selling unregistered or mislabeled pesticides. What do you expect from a 99 Cent store?
Dallas Maverick owner Mark Cuban says that LeBron James’ “The Decision” was the biggest public humiliation in the history of sports. This, coming from the second biggest public humiliation in the history of sports.
A study says that exercise can make kids smarter. Unless you are a college athlete.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 15, 2010
"Working While Sick"
Police in North Dakota arrested a woman who allegedly walked into a drugstore wearing only a thong, pasties, a small towel and whipped cream. It turns out, it was just Paris Hilton looking for more prescription pain killers.
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.
A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.
Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.
A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?
Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.
A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.
A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?
A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.
The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.
President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.
A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.
A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.
LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.
A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
The American woman released by Iran after more than a year in prison said she was grateful to Iran's President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad for her freedom. Of course, saying that was a part of her plea deal.
A firm handshake could be a sign of a longer life expectancy, according to British researchers. Unless you happen to introduce yourself to Mr. Death.
Justin Bieber is reportedly "trying to stay single". In an unrelated story, the suicide rate of desperate teenage girls has sharply increased.
A new study says that doctors are actually working while sick. Isn't that like an obese nutritionist?
Researchers say that cancer patients who die at home do so more peacefully. Coincidentally, the researchers are the ones paying for the treatment.
A University of Delaware graduate student has become the biggest one-day winner in the history of the game show "Jeopardy!". This is sure to be a huge hit in the Guinness Book Of Nerd Records.
A study says that more popular people tend to catch the flu before others because they are around so many people. In that case, why are the nerds always sick?
A poll says investors are wary of stock trading and feel that the market is not a fair place to put their money. The same poll said that french fries are bad for you.
The Pentagon says they will start weighing whether something is affordable before buying it. If it works, President Obama said that he may even try it.
President Obama is telling students to ignore bullies and to treat each other with kindness and respect. Unfortunately, that was the speech he was going to deliver to FOX News.
A study says that a gloomy personality may increase the risk of heart problems. Well that ought to cheer them up.
A study says that selfish people can actually benefit society overall. That's what Wall Street has been telling us all along.
LeBron James is listed as the sixth most unpopular professional athlete. Apparently this poll was not given in Miami.
A study by the University of Rochester says that people who play action video games tend to be better at making quick and accurate decisions. Except when it comes to women.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 14, 2010
"A Slime Highway"
Joke of the Day: A Chicago-area high school is claiming the world record for high fives after a superintendent wearing a purple costume gave high and low fives to 1,363 students and teachers. The superintendent then celebrated by doing the exact same thing.
Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. While Newt Gingrich follows an "anti-everything good" worldview.
A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. His award: being shot by Sarah Palin.
Singer Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of raw meat at the VMA awards, Sunday night. In related news, "Paparazzi" was changed to "Pepperoni".
Singer John Mayer has closed his Twitter account that has 3.7 million followers. Now, if they want to hear someone say stupid things in magazine interviews, they could just follow General McChrystal.
A Texas woman with the world’s largest breast implants has had them removed after they made her sick. She was a size 38KKK. This marks the first time ever that a white person in Texas wanted to get rid of KKK.
Researchers who spy on people using public restrooms say we’re washing our hands more. This is a good news bad news report. The good news is that people are washing their hands more often. The bad news is that having people who spy on other people in public restrooms is actually a job.
A study says that a simple blood test may be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. It's not related to science at all. It's actually more about them forgetting what they got.
A survey says that Americans are spending more time reading the news. In that case, how come everyone says my jokes are awful?
U.S. economic forecasters are having an unusually tough time reading the economy and predicting its path, according to experts. Is it that hard to know what a downhill slope is?
The Senate has opened an impeachment trial for a Louisiana judge accused of taking payoffs, kickbacks and lying under oath. To which Senators at the trial said, "Oh, he does it too?".
Researchers say there is a “slime highway” from the BP oil spill covering the floor of the Gulf. No, it's not oil. It's just an array of BP executives scuba diving.
A study says that antibiotics can cause stomach problems in some people. What? Our stomachs can look worse?
The NFL is going to investigate the behavior of New York Jets players who reportedly made a female reporter feel “uncomfortable”. She felt uncomfortable when they all put on Ben Roethlisberger jerseys.
“The Jerry Springer Show” is celebrating its 20th anniversary. Over the past 20 years, there have been 3,500 episodes, 30,000 guests, and one million sissy fights.
The recession has caused the prices of used cars to go up. That's like the obesity rate causing food prices to drop tremendously.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has gotten rid of her hair pouf. Now what will Bobby Moynihan ask Seth Meyers to touch during Weekend Update?
Researchers say that kids’ brain injuries from playing basketball may be rising. Is it truly that hard to catch a pass?
FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Astronauts are training for a journey to Mars in the Arizona desert. The one difference is that Mars would actually be receptive to aliens.
That's all I have for today! Another great day of jokes!
Newt Gingrich is sticking to his comment that President Obama may follow a “Kenyan anti-colonial” worldview. While Newt Gingrich follows an "anti-everything good" worldview.
A 5-year-old boy won a moose calling contest at the Alaska Zoo in Anchorage. His award: being shot by Sarah Palin.
Singer Lady Gaga wore a dress made out of raw meat at the VMA awards, Sunday night. In related news, "Paparazzi" was changed to "Pepperoni".
Singer John Mayer has closed his Twitter account that has 3.7 million followers. Now, if they want to hear someone say stupid things in magazine interviews, they could just follow General McChrystal.
A Texas woman with the world’s largest breast implants has had them removed after they made her sick. She was a size 38KKK. This marks the first time ever that a white person in Texas wanted to get rid of KKK.
Researchers who spy on people using public restrooms say we’re washing our hands more. This is a good news bad news report. The good news is that people are washing their hands more often. The bad news is that having people who spy on other people in public restrooms is actually a job.
A study says that a simple blood test may be able to detect Alzheimer’s Disease. It's not related to science at all. It's actually more about them forgetting what they got.
A survey says that Americans are spending more time reading the news. In that case, how come everyone says my jokes are awful?
U.S. economic forecasters are having an unusually tough time reading the economy and predicting its path, according to experts. Is it that hard to know what a downhill slope is?
The Senate has opened an impeachment trial for a Louisiana judge accused of taking payoffs, kickbacks and lying under oath. To which Senators at the trial said, "Oh, he does it too?".
Researchers say there is a “slime highway” from the BP oil spill covering the floor of the Gulf. No, it's not oil. It's just an array of BP executives scuba diving.
A study says that antibiotics can cause stomach problems in some people. What? Our stomachs can look worse?
The NFL is going to investigate the behavior of New York Jets players who reportedly made a female reporter feel “uncomfortable”. She felt uncomfortable when they all put on Ben Roethlisberger jerseys.
“The Jerry Springer Show” is celebrating its 20th anniversary. Over the past 20 years, there have been 3,500 episodes, 30,000 guests, and one million sissy fights.
The recession has caused the prices of used cars to go up. That's like the obesity rate causing food prices to drop tremendously.
Snooki from “Jersey Shore” has gotten rid of her hair pouf. Now what will Bobby Moynihan ask Seth Meyers to touch during Weekend Update?
Researchers say that kids’ brain injuries from playing basketball may be rising. Is it truly that hard to catch a pass?
FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND JIM BARACH
Astronauts are training for a journey to Mars in the Arizona desert. The one difference is that Mars would actually be receptive to aliens.
That's all I have for today! Another great day of jokes!
Monday, September 13, 2010
"Armed With A Spatula"
Joke of the Day: Police in California killed an enraged man who it turns out was only armed with a spatula. Authorities are still trying to determine what caused this man to flip.
The number of Americans living in poverty is on track for a record increase. In fact, in a few years, the term "poverty" could be the same as "average".
Sunday was Grandparents Day. Of course, not many grandparents were able to remember.
A Wisconsin street musician hit an observer with his guitar. Now he knows how to be an on-stage performer.
Scientists say they may have found a cure for the nation’s ailing bats. They're called "steroids".
A Saudi diplomat told NBC he feels his life is in danger if he goes back home because of his lifestyle. To which Pastor Terry Jones said, "Oh, you think you're in trouble in Saudi Arabia because of your lifestyle?".
Researchers say that as Americans get older, they tend to eat out less. And when they do, they go at around 4:30.
Jamaican runner Bobby-Gaye Wilkins has been banned two years for doping. The Tour de France has offered him a sponsorship deal.
A study says that men are more susceptible to memory problems than women when they get older. To which my dad said, "Men are more susceptible to what? I forget."
That's all I have for today! In my opinion, it was an unbelievable day for jokes! More coming tomorrow!
The number of Americans living in poverty is on track for a record increase. In fact, in a few years, the term "poverty" could be the same as "average".
Sunday was Grandparents Day. Of course, not many grandparents were able to remember.
A Wisconsin street musician hit an observer with his guitar. Now he knows how to be an on-stage performer.
Scientists say they may have found a cure for the nation’s ailing bats. They're called "steroids".
A Saudi diplomat told NBC he feels his life is in danger if he goes back home because of his lifestyle. To which Pastor Terry Jones said, "Oh, you think you're in trouble in Saudi Arabia because of your lifestyle?".
Researchers say that as Americans get older, they tend to eat out less. And when they do, they go at around 4:30.
Jamaican runner Bobby-Gaye Wilkins has been banned two years for doping. The Tour de France has offered him a sponsorship deal.
A study says that men are more susceptible to memory problems than women when they get older. To which my dad said, "Men are more susceptible to what? I forget."
That's all I have for today! In my opinion, it was an unbelievable day for jokes! More coming tomorrow!
Sunday, September 12, 2010
"Entirely In Klingon"
President Clinton says that anger, apathy and amnesia could hurt the Democrats in November. In his defense, they've already hurt the Republicans.
The FAA is proposing rules changes to cut down on pilot fatigue. What else do they need? They already have naptime throughout the whole flight.
The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that college students spend about 48 minutes a day grooming. You know America is getting fat as a country when grooming is considered labor.
A study says that seniors who have a firm grip and walk at a fast pace tend to live longer than those who don’t. That is, a firm grip on life and a fast-paced walk away from death.
An opera that is written entirely in Klingon has made its debut in Europe. Italian nerds could not be happier.
Patrick Swayze’s wife says she still sends him text messages even though he died a year ago. What's really weird about all this: she gets responses.
Angelina Jolie says she does not have a lot of friends. Without benefits.
The Russian authorities fired a top local official Saturday after a video showed him forcing children to kiss his feet in a grueling series of push-ups while on a visit to a school. Who is this guy, a priest?
China on Saturday launched a measles vaccination program targeting 100 million children in a bid to eradicate the disease. Chinese officials said that they hope this will get them back to work very soon.
Eating champion Joey Chestnut set a new record by eating 47 burritos in ten minutes. He also set a new record for most toilets clogged.
A Paris man who registered 55 children by 55 different mothers faces up to 10 years in jail and fines for suspected paternity fraud. Gosh, where's Maury Povich when you need him?
A Georgia couple is suing a grocery store chain in federal court, claiming that the husband found a used tampon in his bowl of cereal. As proof, the man said that his milk kept disappearing.
Officials in a western Pennsylvania school district are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly. Things got weirder when a teacher and a student simultaneously said, "Hey! That's me!".
Football club songs and pop or rock music have been banned from funerals in Catholic churches in Australia. This decision was made after a funeral director played "Another One Bites The Dust".
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
The FAA is proposing rules changes to cut down on pilot fatigue. What else do they need? They already have naptime throughout the whole flight.
The U.S. Bureau of Labor Statistics says that college students spend about 48 minutes a day grooming. You know America is getting fat as a country when grooming is considered labor.
A study says that seniors who have a firm grip and walk at a fast pace tend to live longer than those who don’t. That is, a firm grip on life and a fast-paced walk away from death.
An opera that is written entirely in Klingon has made its debut in Europe. Italian nerds could not be happier.
Patrick Swayze’s wife says she still sends him text messages even though he died a year ago. What's really weird about all this: she gets responses.
Angelina Jolie says she does not have a lot of friends. Without benefits.
The Russian authorities fired a top local official Saturday after a video showed him forcing children to kiss his feet in a grueling series of push-ups while on a visit to a school. Who is this guy, a priest?
China on Saturday launched a measles vaccination program targeting 100 million children in a bid to eradicate the disease. Chinese officials said that they hope this will get them back to work very soon.
Eating champion Joey Chestnut set a new record by eating 47 burritos in ten minutes. He also set a new record for most toilets clogged.
A Paris man who registered 55 children by 55 different mothers faces up to 10 years in jail and fines for suspected paternity fraud. Gosh, where's Maury Povich when you need him?
A Georgia couple is suing a grocery store chain in federal court, claiming that the husband found a used tampon in his bowl of cereal. As proof, the man said that his milk kept disappearing.
Officials in a western Pennsylvania school district are apologizing after they say students at a local high school were accidentally shown pornographic pictures during a school assembly. Things got weirder when a teacher and a student simultaneously said, "Hey! That's me!".
Football club songs and pop or rock music have been banned from funerals in Catholic churches in Australia. This decision was made after a funeral director played "Another One Bites The Dust".
That's all I have for right now! More coming soon!
Saturday, September 11, 2010
Day off today
I apologize to the faithful reader that I have, but I will be taking a day off today. It's quite unfortunate that it has to be on 9/11, a day filled with sadness, but I just don't feel like writing any jokes for today. However, there is one that I wrote a while ago that is good for today. (no insensitivity intended)
September 11th is No News Is Good News Day. September 11th? Bad News? Nooooo...
We will never forget!
September 11th is No News Is Good News Day. September 11th? Bad News? Nooooo...
We will never forget!
Friday, September 10, 2010
"Wrong Predictions"
Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was in a car accident and was unhurt. His female fans were saddened. They thought that this was their opportunity to give him mouth-to-mouth.
Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Mainly because on a perfect day, you look really good.
Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. Mainly because weathermen don't make that much money.
The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. This is mostly due to the fact that the performer was diagnosed with bulimia.
Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. If you are Britney Spears, any sexual advance is unwanted.
A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. The sign was proven useless when the restaurant held a Justin Bieber concert.
According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. Even worse, these people don't have anybody to go to when they need help.
According to a new government report, most Americans still don't eat vegetables often enough. And just because french fries are potatoes, doesn't mean that they are vegetables.
According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. This must explain why I have been single all my life.
China may relax its one child rule because of an aging population and the need for workers. Apparently they need more workers right now.
A study says that Facebook users are insecure narcissists with low self esteem. Who knew Craig Ferguson was a Facebook user?
Vice President Biden says that George W. Bush deserves credit for ending the Iraq war. That's like giving couch potatoes credit for lowering the obesity rate.
Donald Trump’s offer to buy the land where the Muslim community center near Ground Zero has been declined. Mainly because the Muslim community doesn't want their mosque to be right under a hotel.
A poll says that most U.S. adults are confused about their health care coverage. What do you mean when you say health care coverage? I don't know what you're talking about.
President Obama says that Rahm Emmanuel would be a “terrific” Mayor of Chicago. Obama felt that since Rahm Emmanuel was in the Obama Administration, he could be mayor of Chicago because he's so used to failure.
An ice rink is planned for the 94th floor of Chicago’s John Hancock Center building. Wait, doesn't heat rise?
Video game sales dropped to the worst totals for August in four years. That's because gamers are addicted to the games that they already own.
A new book says that Paris Hilton has smuggled cocaine into Europe by putting it in a cigarette box and hiding it in her body. Usually when something goes up her butt, it's not cocaine.
Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. Brady is just glad that he can finally pay his child support fees.
According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. These hospitals are all named, "Penthouse Hospital".
FINALLY, A GREAT LINE FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER PAUL SEABURN
Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Susan Boyle left “America’s Got Talent” crying after Lou Reed refused to give her permission to sing one of his songs, “Perfect Day.” Mainly because on a perfect day, you look really good.
Romania's Senate rejected a proposal to tax witches and fortune tellers and hold them liable for wrong predictions. Mainly because weathermen don't make that much money.
The Great Moscow Circus's show featuring the swallowing and regurgitation of a live goldfish has been banned in Australia because it’s cruel to the fish. This is mostly due to the fact that the performer was diagnosed with bulimia.
Britney Spears is denying claims by a bodyguard 's accusations that she repeatedly exposed herself to him and made other unwanted sexual advances. If you are Britney Spears, any sexual advance is unwanted.
A North Carolina restaurant owner says a new sign reading “Screaming children will not be tolerated” has increased his business. The sign was proven useless when the restaurant held a Justin Bieber concert.
According to a new study, loneliness can cause heart disease, high blood pressure, insomnia and other medical conditions. Even worse, these people don't have anybody to go to when they need help.
According to a new government report, most Americans still don't eat vegetables often enough. And just because french fries are potatoes, doesn't mean that they are vegetables.
According to a new study, women are most attracted to male dancers who have big, flamboyant moves. This must explain why I have been single all my life.
China may relax its one child rule because of an aging population and the need for workers. Apparently they need more workers right now.
A study says that Facebook users are insecure narcissists with low self esteem. Who knew Craig Ferguson was a Facebook user?
Vice President Biden says that George W. Bush deserves credit for ending the Iraq war. That's like giving couch potatoes credit for lowering the obesity rate.
Donald Trump’s offer to buy the land where the Muslim community center near Ground Zero has been declined. Mainly because the Muslim community doesn't want their mosque to be right under a hotel.
A poll says that most U.S. adults are confused about their health care coverage. What do you mean when you say health care coverage? I don't know what you're talking about.
President Obama says that Rahm Emmanuel would be a “terrific” Mayor of Chicago. Obama felt that since Rahm Emmanuel was in the Obama Administration, he could be mayor of Chicago because he's so used to failure.
An ice rink is planned for the 94th floor of Chicago’s John Hancock Center building. Wait, doesn't heat rise?
Video game sales dropped to the worst totals for August in four years. That's because gamers are addicted to the games that they already own.
A new book says that Paris Hilton has smuggled cocaine into Europe by putting it in a cigarette box and hiding it in her body. Usually when something goes up her butt, it's not cocaine.
Tom Brady has agreed to a four-year extension on his New England contract that would make him the NFL's highest paid player. Brady is just glad that he can finally pay his child support fees.
According to a new report, one in three British hospitals which provide fertility services also provide government-funded pornographic material for sperm donors. These hospitals are all named, "Penthouse Hospital".
FINALLY, A GREAT LINE FROM FELLOW COMEDY WRITER PAUL SEABURN
Police in Seattle arrested a robbery suspect who had the words “GET MONEY” shaved into the side of his head and tattooed on his hands. They also captured his getaway driver whose head was shaved with the words “I’M WITH STUPID.”
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Thursday, September 9, 2010
"A Lindsay Lohan Wannabe"
Joke of the Day: A survey says that 60% of Americans are satisfied with the way they look. The other 40% of people are known as "women".
Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.
Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".
Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.
Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.
Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.
Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.
Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.
A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".
Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".
A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.
Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.
NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Fewer and fewer candidates are seeking campaign help from President Obama. I don't think it was the campaign that was the problem. It's what he does while in office.
Sarah Palin has joined the ranks of those saying the Koran should not be burned. She added, "I think that burning a Koran would anger their dictator, Kim Jong-Il".
Singer Morrissey says the Chinese are some kind of sub-species. In his defense, I don't think any other human child actually does manual labor.
Fidel Castro admitted in an interview that the Cuban economic model doesn’t work. He isn't in power anymore; he can say whatever he wants.
Hillary Clinton is calling a plan to burn Korans at a Florida church a “disgraceful act”. And she stayed married to Bill after the sex scandal.
Condom machines have been installed in a San Francisco jail. The scary part: it's an all-male jail.
Corruption is reportedly costing Afghanistan billions of dollars. Welcome to our world, Afghanistan.
A study says that while chronic drinking is bad, quitting suddenly can be even worse. Alcoholics call this "an excuse".
Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” was fined $500 for antagonizing beachgoers in New Jersey. She plead "not guilty by personality".
A judge called Snooki from MTV’s “Jersey Shore” a “Lindsay Lohan wannabe”. The difference is that Lindsay Lohan's hair is orange, while Snooki's skin is orange.
Spencer Pratt has apologized to Heidi Montag for his behavior regarding their breakup. If only he can apologize to the rest of the world for being on TV.
NFL season ticket sales have dropped for the third straight year. That's because they figured if they want to watch the game in a dirty environment with crappy food, it would be cheaper to go to a bar.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 8, 2010
"An Alleged Miracle"
Joke of the Day: A study says that brass instruments can cause lung disease. Especially when you play them.
A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.
Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.
The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.
Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.
The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.
Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.
A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?
New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.
One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".
A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.
“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.
A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
A Florida church has vowed to go ahead with its “Burn a Koran Day”. In response, Al-Qaeda said that their number one target is now retirement communities.
Tiger Woods has been named to the US Ryder Cup team. Tiger then said that he thought that Ryder meant something totally different.
The University of Baltimore is offering a course on “Zombies”. Well, they dropped it back in 1992, but now, the University of Baltimore is glad that it came back to life.
Doctors are analyzing an alleged miracle involving Pope John Paul II. He's dead. If Pope John Paul II does anything, it's a miracle.
The Tea Party continues to post negative ratings. In other news, Osama bin Laden says that he doesn't like the United States.
Research shows that young adults are staying away form the stock market. Maybe you don't have to be old to be wise.
A study says that Facebook can lower grades by 20%. Even the scientists who did this study were stunned. Our grades can get lower?
New research says that even bugs have their own individual personalities. In addition, 99% of that personality involves them annoying the hell out of us.
One Million French people took to the streets to protest an increase in the retirement age. To which Americans said, "What's a retirement age?".
A zoo in England put a 200-pound orangutan on a diet and exercise after her previous owner fed her nothing but marshmallows and candy. You know a monkey needs help when they don't even eat bananas.
“America's Got Talent” judge Piers Morgan will take over for Larry King on CNN in January. They are actually very different. One is a grumpy old man who thinks that he deserves to be famous, and the other one is Larry King.
A Kentucky farmer says his corn is popping while still on the stalk, a phenomenon agricultural experts are blaming on low rainfall and high heat. This must explain why corn pops in the microwave.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, September 7, 2010
"Disillusionment And Divorce"
Joke of the Day: A new study says that Detroit, Los Angeles, and Cleveland are the most stressful places to live. Especially if you are a sports fan.
Tropical Storm Hermine, which formed in the western end of the Gulf of Mexico, is expected to reach South Texas by Tuesday. It's almost as if that hurricane is oil.
A study says that happiness can increase with a person’s income, up to about $75,000. And they said money can't buy happiness.
President Obama is getting fewer judges seated than any President since Richard Nixon because of Republican stall tactics. And when it comes to stall tactics, who is any better than Republicans?
The attorney for the JetBlue flight attendant who had a meltdown on board a plane says his client resigned and was not fired. Who is this guy, a Major League Baseball manager after a bad call?
Many companies are allowing employees to take naps at work to increase production. One of the companies included: the White House.
Joe Jackson is defending how he disciplined Michael as a child, saying he was so strict in order to keep him out of neighborhood gangs. Unfortunately, he wasn't strict enough to keep him from working at a day care center.
A study has found that people who believe they are “soul mates” are at a high risk for disillusionment and divorce. This study was conducted in Hollywood.
A Toronto Blue Jays fan was hit by a letter falling from a sign. The letter was "F", and it came from the Blue Jays' report card.
Scientists say they have found a new species of turtle in Mississippi. Apparently this turtle is different because it reproduces inside the family.
New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush may have his Heisman trophy taken away from him. It's the first time that something of great value was taken away from Reggie and not given to him.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tropical Storm Hermine, which formed in the western end of the Gulf of Mexico, is expected to reach South Texas by Tuesday. It's almost as if that hurricane is oil.
A study says that happiness can increase with a person’s income, up to about $75,000. And they said money can't buy happiness.
President Obama is getting fewer judges seated than any President since Richard Nixon because of Republican stall tactics. And when it comes to stall tactics, who is any better than Republicans?
The attorney for the JetBlue flight attendant who had a meltdown on board a plane says his client resigned and was not fired. Who is this guy, a Major League Baseball manager after a bad call?
Many companies are allowing employees to take naps at work to increase production. One of the companies included: the White House.
Joe Jackson is defending how he disciplined Michael as a child, saying he was so strict in order to keep him out of neighborhood gangs. Unfortunately, he wasn't strict enough to keep him from working at a day care center.
A study has found that people who believe they are “soul mates” are at a high risk for disillusionment and divorce. This study was conducted in Hollywood.
A Toronto Blue Jays fan was hit by a letter falling from a sign. The letter was "F", and it came from the Blue Jays' report card.
Scientists say they have found a new species of turtle in Mississippi. Apparently this turtle is different because it reproduces inside the family.
New Orleans Saints running back Reggie Bush may have his Heisman trophy taken away from him. It's the first time that something of great value was taken away from Reggie and not given to him.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Monday, September 6, 2010
"Partially Nude Cyclists"
Hundreds of naked and partially nude cyclists have pedaled their way through Philadelphia to promote cleaner air. I would think fully clothed people would have gotten the message through a little better.
A Virginia woman ate 181 chicken wings in 12 minutes, beating world eating champ Joey Chestnut. And she still doesn't want to be called fat.
Kanye West is still feeling the pain over his ambush of Taylor Swift last year. In fact, it's so bad, people think "Heartless" was written about Kanye.
That's all I have for today. I'm sorry, I would write more, but I'm really tired. More jokes tomorrow!
A Virginia woman ate 181 chicken wings in 12 minutes, beating world eating champ Joey Chestnut. And she still doesn't want to be called fat.
Kanye West is still feeling the pain over his ambush of Taylor Swift last year. In fact, it's so bad, people think "Heartless" was written about Kanye.
That's all I have for today. I'm sorry, I would write more, but I'm really tired. More jokes tomorrow!
Sunday, September 5, 2010
"Computational Creativity"
Joke of the Day: Twilight star Kellan Lutz is fuming after viewing footage of a teenage girl who abused six puppies by hurling them into a river in Bosnia, saying he "can't get the image of the crying dogs out of my head". Now he knows how Michael Vick feels.
Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If only Paris Hilton had discovered this earlier.
Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Because nothing provides more closure about infidelity rumors than a Twitter update.
A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. This ruling has no significance unless you are a transsexual. Or if you commonly use Craigslist.
A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Isn't that the point of men drinking alcohol?
A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” Or, as Jay Leno calls it, "My monologue".
According to Yahoo! News, whenever companies start hiring freely again, job-seekers with specialized skills and education will have plenty of good opportunities. Is this the same person that said that most rappers are black?
Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.
The lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, said that Taylor Swift's singing is "horrible". Who knew Kanye West hung out with this guy?
Comedian Robert Schimmel died from injuries sustained in a car accident the week before. His car crashed almost as hard as his career.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Researchers in the Netherlands claim to have added bacteria to wet cement and developed concrete that heals its own cracks. If only Paris Hilton had discovered this earlier.
Ashton Kutcher told his Twitter followers that there’s no truth to rumors that he cheated on wife Demi Moore. Because nothing provides more closure about infidelity rumors than a Twitter update.
A Western Australia court ruled that female-to-male transsexuals are still women. This ruling has no significance unless you are a transsexual. Or if you commonly use Craigslist.
A British company claims its new bra can make breasts appear 10 years younger by lifting and shaping them. Isn't that the point of men drinking alcohol?
A researcher at Northwestern University received government stimulus funding for a project called “Computational Creativity: Building a Model of Machine-Generated Humor.” Or, as Jay Leno calls it, "My monologue".
According to Yahoo! News, whenever companies start hiring freely again, job-seekers with specialized skills and education will have plenty of good opportunities. Is this the same person that said that most rappers are black?
Craigslist's "adult services" section has been shut down in the U.S. In related news, Tiger Woods has canceled his internet service.
The lead singer of the Black Crowes, Chris Robinson, said that Taylor Swift's singing is "horrible". Who knew Kanye West hung out with this guy?
Comedian Robert Schimmel died from injuries sustained in a car accident the week before. His car crashed almost as hard as his career.
That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!
Saturday, September 4, 2010
"Moving To Florida"
After years of growth, Las Vegas is losing people who can't find work and think they will have better luck elsewhere. No wonder they have so many hookers.
A survey says that many Americans don't realize how fat they are. Maybe because we are too lazy to go to the doctor and find out.
The Balloon Boy's family is moving to Florida from Colorado. Of course, the six-year old boy will travel all by himself without his family knowing where he is.
A historian says that Winston Churchill targeted Benito Mussolini for assassination to cover for some embarrassing letters he wrote the Italian leader. If this applied today, Tiger Woods would have murdered all his mistresses.
Some German school children were accidentally given some pens with pornographic pictures on them as part of a gift bag from the Communist Party. What happened to the old days where students only saw their teachers naked?
An antidepressant patch does not help smokers quit as it was hoped. How about an anti-smoking patch?
Kara DioGuardi is officially leaving “American Idol”, saying it is the “best time to leave”. What makes it the best time to leave is that everybody else wanted her to leave.
A Consumer Reports survey rates McDonald’s hamburgers as the worst tasting of any chain. This could change the restaurant of choice for up to three people.
Lindsay Lohan bumped into a stroller while driving her Maserati. The question is, why can't people give Lindsay Lohan a car with a breathalyzer?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
A survey says that many Americans don't realize how fat they are. Maybe because we are too lazy to go to the doctor and find out.
The Balloon Boy's family is moving to Florida from Colorado. Of course, the six-year old boy will travel all by himself without his family knowing where he is.
A historian says that Winston Churchill targeted Benito Mussolini for assassination to cover for some embarrassing letters he wrote the Italian leader. If this applied today, Tiger Woods would have murdered all his mistresses.
Some German school children were accidentally given some pens with pornographic pictures on them as part of a gift bag from the Communist Party. What happened to the old days where students only saw their teachers naked?
An antidepressant patch does not help smokers quit as it was hoped. How about an anti-smoking patch?
Kara DioGuardi is officially leaving “American Idol”, saying it is the “best time to leave”. What makes it the best time to leave is that everybody else wanted her to leave.
A Consumer Reports survey rates McDonald’s hamburgers as the worst tasting of any chain. This could change the restaurant of choice for up to three people.
Lindsay Lohan bumped into a stroller while driving her Maserati. The question is, why can't people give Lindsay Lohan a car with a breathalyzer?
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, September 3, 2010
"Agreed To Sell Itself"
Burger King agreed to sell itself for $3.26 billion. Or, as Burger King calls it, "One billion whoppers".
A new study in LA County says that 98% of restaurants pass health inspections. The other 2% are named, "The Sizzler".
A survey says that 72% of adults are texting now. The other 28% of adults do not own a cell phone.
A study says that 25% of the people working now were unemployed at some point during the recession. The other 75% of people are what scientists call "a kiss-ass".
A new study finds that some users of the weight-loss pill Meridia may have an increased risk of heart attack or stroke. Isn't that what it's supposed to prevent?
People who take bone-strengthening drugs for several years may have a slightly higher risk of esophageal cancer, a new study suggests. Patients on those drugs find this concept difficult to swallow.
Ben Roethlisberger's suspension has been reduced from six to four games. And all this time he liked hearing, "You've been very bad".
Canadian parents are more lenient with their children than mothers and fathers in France and Italy, according to a new study. Especially when it comes to dating advice.
A Japanese man drove the wrong way down an expressway for 55 miles. In related news, Asia has given him "Driver of the Year Award".
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
A new study in LA County says that 98% of restaurants pass health inspections. The other 2% are named, "The Sizzler".
A survey says that 72% of adults are texting now. The other 28% of adults do not own a cell phone.
A study says that 25% of the people working now were unemployed at some point during the recession. The other 75% of people are what scientists call "a kiss-ass".
A new study finds that some users of the weight-loss pill Meridia may have an increased risk of heart attack or stroke. Isn't that what it's supposed to prevent?
People who take bone-strengthening drugs for several years may have a slightly higher risk of esophageal cancer, a new study suggests. Patients on those drugs find this concept difficult to swallow.
Ben Roethlisberger's suspension has been reduced from six to four games. And all this time he liked hearing, "You've been very bad".
Canadian parents are more lenient with their children than mothers and fathers in France and Italy, according to a new study. Especially when it comes to dating advice.
A Japanese man drove the wrong way down an expressway for 55 miles. In related news, Asia has given him "Driver of the Year Award".
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Thursday, September 2, 2010
"Kicked The Habit"
Joke of the Day: A NASCAR reality show will be coming to BET. That's like having a porno series on the Disney Channel.
The maker of Botox settled a federal investigation into its marketing practices. They did this by keeping a smile on their face the entire time; mainly because they couldn't help it.
An 18-year-old South Dakota student who stockpiled bombs in his bedroom wanted to be “the world’s most infamous sociopath.” Yes, every teenage boy's dream is to be a sociopath.
Tiger Woods has reportedly taken out a $54 Million mortgage on his house to pay off his ex-wife Elin. For once, Tiger Woods paid off a woman for a reason other than hush money.
A NASCAR reality show will be coming to BET. Why? Was Larry The Cable Guy not available?
President Obama says that peace in the Middle East is doable in a year. Then Paris Hilton interrupted President Obama and said, "Like hell it is".
A study says that CEOs who laid off more people made more money since the economy crashed. The study was coordinated at the Lehman Brothers headquarters.
A study says that young women make more money than their male co-workers. They do the same amount of work. I wonder how they earn that...
A study says that coffee may combat high blood pressure. In the end, both of these things lead to the same thing: going absolutely crazy.
Stephen Hawking said that God did not create the universe. Excuse me, my bad. Stephen Hawking's speech synthesizer said that God did not create the universe.
A two-year-old Indonesian boy who smoked about 40 cigarettes a day has kicked the habit after receiving intensive specialist care. Intensive care? How about a key and lock?
Older people prefer to read negative news stories about the young, possibly because it makes them feel better about themselves, a new study suggests. Based on what has happened recently, the older people should feel like children again.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
The maker of Botox settled a federal investigation into its marketing practices. They did this by keeping a smile on their face the entire time; mainly because they couldn't help it.
An 18-year-old South Dakota student who stockpiled bombs in his bedroom wanted to be “the world’s most infamous sociopath.” Yes, every teenage boy's dream is to be a sociopath.
Tiger Woods has reportedly taken out a $54 Million mortgage on his house to pay off his ex-wife Elin. For once, Tiger Woods paid off a woman for a reason other than hush money.
A NASCAR reality show will be coming to BET. Why? Was Larry The Cable Guy not available?
President Obama says that peace in the Middle East is doable in a year. Then Paris Hilton interrupted President Obama and said, "Like hell it is".
A study says that CEOs who laid off more people made more money since the economy crashed. The study was coordinated at the Lehman Brothers headquarters.
A study says that young women make more money than their male co-workers. They do the same amount of work. I wonder how they earn that...
A study says that coffee may combat high blood pressure. In the end, both of these things lead to the same thing: going absolutely crazy.
Stephen Hawking said that God did not create the universe. Excuse me, my bad. Stephen Hawking's speech synthesizer said that God did not create the universe.
A two-year-old Indonesian boy who smoked about 40 cigarettes a day has kicked the habit after receiving intensive specialist care. Intensive care? How about a key and lock?
Older people prefer to read negative news stories about the young, possibly because it makes them feel better about themselves, a new study suggests. Based on what has happened recently, the older people should feel like children again.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, September 1, 2010
"September Effect"
The wealthiest members of Congress grew even richer in 2009, with the top 50 members of Congress worth a combined $1.4 Billion. In that case, why are they voting to give themselves payraises?
An Iranian newspaper says that the wife of French President Nikolas Sarkozy deserves death because of her "perverted lifestyle". This is a country who thinks Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a good example.
Investors are bracing for the "September effect" where stocks traditionally do worse than in other months. In other words, stocks are almost exactly like the New York Mets.
President Obama says now that the War in Iraq is over, the top priority is to fix the economy. These acts are known as "Operation George W. Who?".
Wrigley Field in Chicago is offering a peanut free skybox for people with food allergies. In fact, they have even made modifications to baseball tradition for these people. Now, during "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", lyrics were changed to, "Don't buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack".
The Miami Dolphins stopped practice to crawl over the field looking for a $50,000 earring dropped by defensive end Kendall Langford. Did they check his helmet?
The CEO of Facebook asked that his private life be kept out of a lawsuit about the company. This is the first time that "Facebook" and "private life" have been used in the same sentence.
A California woman got stuck in the chimney of her boyfriend’s house and was found dead days later. You know you are fat when Santa Claus doesn't get stuck in the chimney and you do.
The United States defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. This is the first time that "United States defeated Iran" has been used in a sentence together.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
An Iranian newspaper says that the wife of French President Nikolas Sarkozy deserves death because of her "perverted lifestyle". This is a country who thinks Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is a good example.
Investors are bracing for the "September effect" where stocks traditionally do worse than in other months. In other words, stocks are almost exactly like the New York Mets.
President Obama says now that the War in Iraq is over, the top priority is to fix the economy. These acts are known as "Operation George W. Who?".
Wrigley Field in Chicago is offering a peanut free skybox for people with food allergies. In fact, they have even made modifications to baseball tradition for these people. Now, during "Take Me Out To The Ballgame", lyrics were changed to, "Don't buy me some peanuts and Cracker Jack".
The Miami Dolphins stopped practice to crawl over the field looking for a $50,000 earring dropped by defensive end Kendall Langford. Did they check his helmet?
The CEO of Facebook asked that his private life be kept out of a lawsuit about the company. This is the first time that "Facebook" and "private life" have been used in the same sentence.
A California woman got stuck in the chimney of her boyfriend’s house and was found dead days later. You know you are fat when Santa Claus doesn't get stuck in the chimney and you do.
The United States defeated Iran 88-51 in the world basketball championship. This is the first time that "United States defeated Iran" has been used in a sentence together.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Tuesday, August 31, 2010
"Concussion Rates"
Lindsey Lohan's dad is planning to open up a rehab center in California. He's only doing this so Lindsay Lohan gets in free.
Pittsburgh Steeler's Troy Polamalu has insured his long hair for $1 million dollars. It's already worth more than Ben Roethlisberger.
Texas Representative Ron Paul is questioning whether there is any gold at all in Ft. Knox. He first made this assumption when someone compared Ft. Knox to Russia's Olympic medals.
While mass-market retailers have seen revenue drop the past several months, luxury retailers are experiencing high growth. This is what some people like to refer to as, "The United States Economy".
President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Malia then embarrassed President Obama by showing him the blank sheet of paper listing all of his accomplishments.
A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. If you aren't smart enough to know that shocking your nipples is a bad thing, you should probably drop out of high school.
Concussion rates are soaring among younger kids. This must explain their performance in school.
Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may decrease the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers, according to a study released Monday. Also decreasing the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers: not smoking.
Teachers in Milwaukee are fighting to get Viagra drug coverage back. Gee, I wonder why teachers would need Viagra.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Pittsburgh Steeler's Troy Polamalu has insured his long hair for $1 million dollars. It's already worth more than Ben Roethlisberger.
Texas Representative Ron Paul is questioning whether there is any gold at all in Ft. Knox. He first made this assumption when someone compared Ft. Knox to Russia's Olympic medals.
While mass-market retailers have seen revenue drop the past several months, luxury retailers are experiencing high growth. This is what some people like to refer to as, "The United States Economy".
President Obama has embarrassed his older daughter Malia by revealing that she wears braces on her teeth. Malia then embarrassed President Obama by showing him the blank sheet of paper listing all of his accomplishments.
A New Hampshire high school student is suing his shop class teacher for not warning him of the dangers of attaching electrical clamps to his nipples and shocking himself. If you aren't smart enough to know that shocking your nipples is a bad thing, you should probably drop out of high school.
Concussion rates are soaring among younger kids. This must explain their performance in school.
Eating a variety of fruits and vegetables may decrease the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers, according to a study released Monday. Also decreasing the risk of some kinds of lung cancer for smokers: not smoking.
Teachers in Milwaukee are fighting to get Viagra drug coverage back. Gee, I wonder why teachers would need Viagra.
That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!
Monday, August 30, 2010
"Closer To Stalling"
Joke of the Day: A massacre caused by a mushroom hunter in Italy has caused 18 deaths. Or, as we call that in America, "Super Mario Brothers".
Justin Bieber postponed his performance Sunday at the New York State Fair. Let me be the first to say, "Thank God!".
Twenty two Komodo dragons hatched from eggs at the Los Angeles Zoo. I don't know what makes them scarier: the fact that they are dragons or the fact that they came from eggs.
More than 500 National Guard troops are being deployed to Arizona to help with border security. Apparently our government has never heard the common saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".
The government says the economy is getting closer to stalling. If the economy stalls any longer, it could be mistaken for President Obama.
A California man was sentenced to 16 years in prison for killing an acquaintance who complained about his singing. In related news, Simon Cowell has gone into hiding.
Jay Leno raised $100,000 to go towards Gulf Coast recovery from the oil spill. Apparently he has too many jokes in his routine, so he's eliminating some of them.
John Lennon's toilet was sold at an auction for $14,700. Unfortunately, Elvis Presley's toilet didn't sell for quite as much; mainly because it was haunted.
Dennis Rodman claims to have had sex with 2,000 women, and said he was not impressed with the way their parents raised them. If anything, I'm not too thrilled about how Dennis Rodman's parents raised him.
Nike has patented a self lacing shoe. Five-year-olds are calling it, "The greatest invention ever".
A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Unless they get behind the wheel of a car.
A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. This is great news if you are Lindsay Lohan.
That's all for now! More later!
Justin Bieber postponed his performance Sunday at the New York State Fair. Let me be the first to say, "Thank God!".
Twenty two Komodo dragons hatched from eggs at the Los Angeles Zoo. I don't know what makes them scarier: the fact that they are dragons or the fact that they came from eggs.
More than 500 National Guard troops are being deployed to Arizona to help with border security. Apparently our government has never heard the common saying, "If it ain't broke, don't fix it".
The government says the economy is getting closer to stalling. If the economy stalls any longer, it could be mistaken for President Obama.
A California man was sentenced to 16 years in prison for killing an acquaintance who complained about his singing. In related news, Simon Cowell has gone into hiding.
Jay Leno raised $100,000 to go towards Gulf Coast recovery from the oil spill. Apparently he has too many jokes in his routine, so he's eliminating some of them.
John Lennon's toilet was sold at an auction for $14,700. Unfortunately, Elvis Presley's toilet didn't sell for quite as much; mainly because it was haunted.
Dennis Rodman claims to have had sex with 2,000 women, and said he was not impressed with the way their parents raised them. If anything, I'm not too thrilled about how Dennis Rodman's parents raised him.
Nike has patented a self lacing shoe. Five-year-olds are calling it, "The greatest invention ever".
A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. Unless they get behind the wheel of a car.
A new study says that heavy drinkers live longer than non-drinkers. This is great news if you are Lindsay Lohan.
That's all for now! More later!
Sunday, August 29, 2010
"A Single Curse Word"
Joke of the Day: President Obama said that he isn't worried about the rumors that he is Muslim. In fact, he said that if he ever starts to worry about it, he will go to Allah for guidance.
The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. The show should be more appropriately named, "Dancing with the Celebrities who have nothing better to do anymore".
The salmonella outbreak in fresh eggs has been tied to contaminated chicken feed. This just goes to show that even in the case of salmonella, the chicken came before the egg.
Youth employment for the summer was at 48.9%, the lowest rate since 1948. In fact, it's so bad that China is beating us by 51.1%.
Archaeologists have uncovered a 3,500 year old city in Egypt. In fact, they even have artifacts from when the city first opened. One of them was a "Larry King for Mayor" campaign poster.
Economic experts say there is a 40% chance of slipping back into a recession. Since when did America get out of the recession?
Heidi Montag is reportedly not pleased with some of her plastic surgery. Neither are most Americans.
The federal government is appealing a ruling that struck down a government policy fining broadcasters for even a single curse word. Unless you work at FOX News.
Blockbuster will reportedly file for bankruptcy in September. I guess they put the "bust" in "Blockbuster".
Glenn Beck said that he regrets calling President Obama a racist, adding, "I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things". In other news, Mel Gibson also said that he has a big fat mouth sometimes and he says things.
Paula Abdul is "speechless" that people want her to return to American Idol. Wait, there are people who want Paula Abdul back on American Idol?
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
The lineup for the next season of “'Dancing with the Stars” includes Florence Henderson, Brandy, Kirstie Alley and David Hasselhoff. The show should be more appropriately named, "Dancing with the Celebrities who have nothing better to do anymore".
The salmonella outbreak in fresh eggs has been tied to contaminated chicken feed. This just goes to show that even in the case of salmonella, the chicken came before the egg.
Youth employment for the summer was at 48.9%, the lowest rate since 1948. In fact, it's so bad that China is beating us by 51.1%.
Archaeologists have uncovered a 3,500 year old city in Egypt. In fact, they even have artifacts from when the city first opened. One of them was a "Larry King for Mayor" campaign poster.
Economic experts say there is a 40% chance of slipping back into a recession. Since when did America get out of the recession?
Heidi Montag is reportedly not pleased with some of her plastic surgery. Neither are most Americans.
The federal government is appealing a ruling that struck down a government policy fining broadcasters for even a single curse word. Unless you work at FOX News.
Blockbuster will reportedly file for bankruptcy in September. I guess they put the "bust" in "Blockbuster".
Glenn Beck said that he regrets calling President Obama a racist, adding, "I have a big fat mouth sometimes and I say things". In other news, Mel Gibson also said that he has a big fat mouth sometimes and he says things.
Paula Abdul is "speechless" that people want her to return to American Idol. Wait, there are people who want Paula Abdul back on American Idol?
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Thursday, August 26, 2010
"A High School Prom"
Holy crap! Today's my birthday! You don't have to worry about sending me birthday wishes. Both of my friends will take care of that. Anyway, here are today's jokes!
In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. That sounds like an interview you would see on Maury.
Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. The number is down from five, as she divorced Spencer.
Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He made a huge mistake. He actually intended to refer to Rush Limbaugh.
A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. The police officer said, "You have one of two options. You could go to jail or you could walk all the way home".
Arizona Senator John McCain clinched the GOP nomination in the state’s primary election on Tuesday. At least there's one election where McCain doesn't have to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she “has been through hell”. Yes, even though he cheated on you, it wasn't hell. You're a Swedish supermodel married to a billionaire golfer.
Golfer Tiger Woods says his divorce is a sad time in his life. At least now, it's okay for him to sleep with other women.
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman told a reporter he’d had sex with 2,000 women. Now we know why he's the all-time leader in rebounds.
A study says the average teenager sends 3,000 text messages each month, which is an average of 100 per day. Who knew teens spend that much time driving?
A survey says that a lack of skilled workers threatens the global economic recovery. This is a message that Wall Street should take to heart.
California has traced the salmonella infections back to a high school prom in Santa Clara. Who knew salmonella was an STD?
A Detroit Lions fan walked 400 miles to attend a preseason game to bring his team luck. The whole Lions organization was shocked. The Detroit Lions have somebody who believes in them?
That's all for today!
In an interview with People magazine, Elin Nordegren says she never hit Tiger Woods with a golf club and had no idea he was cheating on her. That sounds like an interview you would see on Maury.
Heidi Montag now says she wants her old D-cup implants back because her G-cups make it impossible to hug her four dogs. The number is down from five, as she divorced Spencer.
Alan Simpson, co-chair of President Obama's deficit commission, is in hot water for referring to Social Security as “a milk cow with 310 million tits.” He made a huge mistake. He actually intended to refer to Rush Limbaugh.
A woman on probation in Pennsylvania who failed a blood-alcohol test blamed it on gin-soaked raisins, an old folk remedy for arthritis. The police officer said, "You have one of two options. You could go to jail or you could walk all the way home".
Arizona Senator John McCain clinched the GOP nomination in the state’s primary election on Tuesday. At least there's one election where McCain doesn't have to choose Sarah Palin as his running mate.
Tiger Woods’ ex-wife Elin Nordegren told People magazine that she “has been through hell”. Yes, even though he cheated on you, it wasn't hell. You're a Swedish supermodel married to a billionaire golfer.
Golfer Tiger Woods says his divorce is a sad time in his life. At least now, it's okay for him to sleep with other women.
Former NBA star Dennis Rodman told a reporter he’d had sex with 2,000 women. Now we know why he's the all-time leader in rebounds.
A study says the average teenager sends 3,000 text messages each month, which is an average of 100 per day. Who knew teens spend that much time driving?
A survey says that a lack of skilled workers threatens the global economic recovery. This is a message that Wall Street should take to heart.
California has traced the salmonella infections back to a high school prom in Santa Clara. Who knew salmonella was an STD?
A Detroit Lions fan walked 400 miles to attend a preseason game to bring his team luck. The whole Lions organization was shocked. The Detroit Lions have somebody who believes in them?
That's all for today!
Wednesday, August 25, 2010
"Passed Up A Chance"
President Obama’s approval rating has dropped to 45 percent. In an unrelated poll, the number of Americans who prefer FOX News over CNN is 55%.
Jimmy Carter is expected to travel to North Korea to win the release of an American held there. Now why all of a sudden would Kim Jong-Il want to keep Americans in North Korea?
An intruder was arrested at Paris Hilton’s Los Angeles home after she said he tried to break in. It's the first time ever that Paris Hilton has ever disliked an invasion.
Outfielder Johnny Damon passed up a chance to return to the Boston Red Sox and instead elected to remain with the Detroit Tigers. Psychological evaluations are scheduled for tomorrow.
Former Major League Baseball player Bobby Thomson, who hit the "Shot Heard 'Round The World", has died at the age of 86. His last words were, "The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the penn - oh, wait".
Sylvester Stallone says the U.S. apologizes too much. To which the U.S. said, "I'm sorry. I'll stop".
A nail salon in Georgia tried to charge a woman customer an extra $5 because she is overweight. This explains why I would qualify for $2,000 in extra fees.
That's all for right now. Off to school I go. More coming later today.
Jimmy Carter is expected to travel to North Korea to win the release of an American held there. Now why all of a sudden would Kim Jong-Il want to keep Americans in North Korea?
An intruder was arrested at Paris Hilton’s Los Angeles home after she said he tried to break in. It's the first time ever that Paris Hilton has ever disliked an invasion.
Outfielder Johnny Damon passed up a chance to return to the Boston Red Sox and instead elected to remain with the Detroit Tigers. Psychological evaluations are scheduled for tomorrow.
Former Major League Baseball player Bobby Thomson, who hit the "Shot Heard 'Round The World", has died at the age of 86. His last words were, "The Giants win the pennant! The Giants win the penn - oh, wait".
Sylvester Stallone says the U.S. apologizes too much. To which the U.S. said, "I'm sorry. I'll stop".
A nail salon in Georgia tried to charge a woman customer an extra $5 because she is overweight. This explains why I would qualify for $2,000 in extra fees.
That's all for right now. Off to school I go. More coming later today.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
"Potentially Harmful Bacteria"
Joke of the Day: The Gateway Arch in St. Louis was found to be showing signs of rust and decay. It's big, in St. Louis, and showing signs of rust and decay. Kind of like the Rams.
North Dakota has the lowest unemployment rate in the country at 3.6%. Who knew it would be easy to find a job in the middle of nowhere?
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. That brings the total number of people on Mel Gibson's side to two.
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. Of all people...
California is suing “Tax Lady” Roni Lynn Deutch for $34 Million, saying she swindled thousands of customers. They do realize she is a "Tax" Lady right?
Ham that was distributed to Walmart delicatessens nationwide and sold in sandwiches has been recalled because it might be tainted with potentially harmful bacteria. Considering all the food recalls, the unnamed character in "Green Eggs and Ham" was right to refuse the meal.
House Republican leader John Boehner on Tuesday urged President Barack Obama to support an extension of tax cuts and to fire key economic advisers, arguing that 19 month of "government as community organizer" hasn't worked. Well gee, thanks John Boehner. I'm sure everybody has figured that out by now.
Amsterdam police have found 7,000 kg of marijuana and hashish in a warehouse near Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands. The warehouse door read the initials A.W., for Amy Winehouse.
A newly discovered type of oil-eating microbe is suddenly flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. To which BP said, "Yes. That was totally our idea. You can thank us.".
That's all I have for today. More coming tomorrow on my first day of school.
North Dakota has the lowest unemployment rate in the country at 3.6%. Who knew it would be easy to find a job in the middle of nowhere?
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. That brings the total number of people on Mel Gibson's side to two.
Lindsay Lohan’s dad is defending the behavior of Mel Gibson. Of all people...
California is suing “Tax Lady” Roni Lynn Deutch for $34 Million, saying she swindled thousands of customers. They do realize she is a "Tax" Lady right?
Ham that was distributed to Walmart delicatessens nationwide and sold in sandwiches has been recalled because it might be tainted with potentially harmful bacteria. Considering all the food recalls, the unnamed character in "Green Eggs and Ham" was right to refuse the meal.
House Republican leader John Boehner on Tuesday urged President Barack Obama to support an extension of tax cuts and to fire key economic advisers, arguing that 19 month of "government as community organizer" hasn't worked. Well gee, thanks John Boehner. I'm sure everybody has figured that out by now.
Amsterdam police have found 7,000 kg of marijuana and hashish in a warehouse near Schiphol Airport in the Netherlands. The warehouse door read the initials A.W., for Amy Winehouse.
A newly discovered type of oil-eating microbe is suddenly flourishing in the Gulf of Mexico. To which BP said, "Yes. That was totally our idea. You can thank us.".
That's all I have for today. More coming tomorrow on my first day of school.
Monday, August 23, 2010
"A Book To Read"
Well, I'm back from Camp Kodiak! I can now write jokes again. And here they are!
Joke of the Day: A new acne treatment is being associated with causing Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Who knew there was an acne treatment for pimples on your butt?
88 year old Betty White, 69 year old Ann-Margret and 64 year old John Lithgow won Emmy Awards over the weekend. Considering how old they are, shouldn't they be the Grammy awards?
The New York Times says that small investors are leaving the stock market. Apparently these small investors finally realized how bad the stock market is.
North Korea has added Facebook to its list of social networking sites. If you want to join Facebook in North Korea, you have to become a fan of every "Kim Jong-Il is my hero" page on there.
While vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, Pres. Obama visited a bookstore and bought a book to read to help escape the tough political climate. It's called, "Being President - For Dummies".
Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometer (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days. In a related story, Beijing has been renamed "Los Angeles".
An 85-year-old Ohio man was arrested for trying to smuggle pot to his grandson in prison, authorities said. There are millions of Americans asking themselves right now, "Why can't HE be my grandpa?".
Wayne Newton is worried that fame is coming too easily for today's young stars. Especially since most of them have absolutely no talent.
A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex. However, teens who have committed relationships with their teachers get extra credit, and thus do better in school.
That's all I have for today! I'm glad to be back. More tomorrow!
Joke of the Day: A new acne treatment is being associated with causing Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Who knew there was an acne treatment for pimples on your butt?
88 year old Betty White, 69 year old Ann-Margret and 64 year old John Lithgow won Emmy Awards over the weekend. Considering how old they are, shouldn't they be the Grammy awards?
The New York Times says that small investors are leaving the stock market. Apparently these small investors finally realized how bad the stock market is.
North Korea has added Facebook to its list of social networking sites. If you want to join Facebook in North Korea, you have to become a fan of every "Kim Jong-Il is my hero" page on there.
While vacationing in Martha’s Vineyard, Pres. Obama visited a bookstore and bought a book to read to help escape the tough political climate. It's called, "Being President - For Dummies".
Thousands of vehicles were bogged down Monday in a more than 100-kilometer (62-mile) traffic jam leading to Beijing that has lasted nine days. In a related story, Beijing has been renamed "Los Angeles".
An 85-year-old Ohio man was arrested for trying to smuggle pot to his grandson in prison, authorities said. There are millions of Americans asking themselves right now, "Why can't HE be my grandpa?".
Wayne Newton is worried that fame is coming too easily for today's young stars. Especially since most of them have absolutely no talent.
A provocative new study has found that teens in committed relationships do no better or worse in school than those who don't have sex. However, teens who have committed relationships with their teachers get extra credit, and thus do better in school.
That's all I have for today! I'm glad to be back. More tomorrow!
Monday, July 12, 2010
"Thirteen Yellow Cards"
Joke of the Day: Thirteen yellow cards were handed out in the World Cup championship game between Spain and the Netherlands. Hey, they may not be great at soccer, but at least they'd be really good at Uno.
An Orange County, CA woman was sentenced to jail for texting threatening messages to herself. Now she has every right to be mad at herself.
Workers in Cleveland dismantled a ten story high mural of LeBron James after his announcement to go to Miami. That poster went down faster than Cleveland's playoff chances.
A study says that creativity among American children is declining. Now for this news story, I have decided not to write a punchline.
The Pentagon says a survey asking military people their feelings about homosexuals is not gay. I thought the policy was called, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".
A British company has gotten the go ahead to sell gum in the U.S. that doesn't stick to pavement or shoes. Now does it stick to the bottom of picnic tables?
A vibrating car seat could give drivers an early warning of an impending accident. However, it may be hard to notice over the driver's vibrating cell phone.
An Orange County, CA woman was sentenced to jail for texting threatening messages to herself. Now she has every right to be mad at herself.
Workers in Cleveland dismantled a ten story high mural of LeBron James after his announcement to go to Miami. That poster went down faster than Cleveland's playoff chances.
A study says that creativity among American children is declining. Now for this news story, I have decided not to write a punchline.
The Pentagon says a survey asking military people their feelings about homosexuals is not gay. I thought the policy was called, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".
A British company has gotten the go ahead to sell gum in the U.S. that doesn't stick to pavement or shoes. Now does it stick to the bottom of picnic tables?
A vibrating car seat could give drivers an early warning of an impending accident. However, it may be hard to notice over the driver's vibrating cell phone.
Sunday, July 4, 2010
"A Computer Attack"
Joke of the Day: Britain’s oldest new dad became a father at age 79. He had the child with his 25 year old girlfriend, and claims he didn’t need Viagra. Or, as we call that in America, "Hugh Hefner".
Paris Hilton was arrested in South Africa for possession of Marijuana but was released and charges were dropped. That's weird; when it comes to Paris Hilton, possession, release, and dropping, it usually involves a sex tape.
Lindsay Lohan was reportedly punched in the face by a waitress while celebrating her 24th birthday. Police are calling this senseless, cruel, and, oh wait, that's Lindsay Lohan? She deserves it.
Factory jobs are reportedly returning but companies say that skilled workers are hard to find. Mostly because the kids want to enjoy summer break.
President Obama says the economy is headed in the right direction. But seriously, where else can you go when you've hit rock bottom?
70% of Texas schoolchildren failed the state physical education test. The other 30% were too lazy to get off the couch to actually take it.
Authorities in Austria are investigating the amputation of the wrong leg of a 91 year old woman. All they know right now is that they cut off the wrong leg and part of one of her breasts.
Gen. David Petraeus formally assumed command of the 130,000-strong international force in Afghanistan on Sunday, declaring "we are in this to win". Well, let's hope so.
U.S. officials have largely ruled out North Korea as the origin of a computer attack last July that took down U.S. and South Korean government websites. Mostly because nobody in North Korea knows what a computer is.
That's all for today! I'm leaving for camp very soon and I don't know if I'll be able to write. But anyway, more coming soon!
Paris Hilton was arrested in South Africa for possession of Marijuana but was released and charges were dropped. That's weird; when it comes to Paris Hilton, possession, release, and dropping, it usually involves a sex tape.
Lindsay Lohan was reportedly punched in the face by a waitress while celebrating her 24th birthday. Police are calling this senseless, cruel, and, oh wait, that's Lindsay Lohan? She deserves it.
Factory jobs are reportedly returning but companies say that skilled workers are hard to find. Mostly because the kids want to enjoy summer break.
President Obama says the economy is headed in the right direction. But seriously, where else can you go when you've hit rock bottom?
70% of Texas schoolchildren failed the state physical education test. The other 30% were too lazy to get off the couch to actually take it.
Authorities in Austria are investigating the amputation of the wrong leg of a 91 year old woman. All they know right now is that they cut off the wrong leg and part of one of her breasts.
Gen. David Petraeus formally assumed command of the 130,000-strong international force in Afghanistan on Sunday, declaring "we are in this to win". Well, let's hope so.
U.S. officials have largely ruled out North Korea as the origin of a computer attack last July that took down U.S. and South Korean government websites. Mostly because nobody in North Korea knows what a computer is.
That's all for today! I'm leaving for camp very soon and I don't know if I'll be able to write. But anyway, more coming soon!
Friday, July 2, 2010
"Not Always Bad"
Joke of the Day: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said that he'll ban Coca-Cola from Iran. That's like playing the Los Angeles Lakers and double-teaming the waterboy.
Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.
A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.
July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.
Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.
President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.
Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".
The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.
UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?
The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.
A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.
July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.
Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.
President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.
Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".
The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.
UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?
The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
"A Lock Of Hair"
Joke of the Day: Police in Massillon, Ohio, arrested a man named Donald Duck on drunken driving charges and drug possession. Police suspected that Donald Duck wasn't his name when the drugs were hiding in his pants.
Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” Every chapter starts with, "So, yeah, this chick I banged last night...".
A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. The bad news: the person who collected the lock of hair came down with a hunchback.
Wonder Woman is being given a makeover where she no longer has to run around in lingerie. Like all of Tiger Woods's mistresses.
British Petroleum plans to get rid of an independent safety watchdog group it created four years ago. Of all people trying to get rid of something safety-related, it's BP.
Three new dog breeds have been recognized by the AKC: The Icelandic Sheepdog, The Cane Corso and Leonberger. I don't know about the first two, but doesn't a Leonberger dog sound like a combo meal at a Chinese McDonalds?
An Austrian University is looking for young girls who are afraid of spiders. The first person to arrive was Justin Bieber, and he brought his own bug spray.
“Huge”, a drama about a group of teens sent to a fat camp, marks an advance in fat acceptance on TV. What? Where did Oprah go wrong?
Statistics show that manufacturing is the sector of the economy that is growing at the fastest pace. In China.
That's all for today! Definitely more coming tomorrow!
Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” Every chapter starts with, "So, yeah, this chick I banged last night...".
A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. The bad news: the person who collected the lock of hair came down with a hunchback.
Wonder Woman is being given a makeover where she no longer has to run around in lingerie. Like all of Tiger Woods's mistresses.
British Petroleum plans to get rid of an independent safety watchdog group it created four years ago. Of all people trying to get rid of something safety-related, it's BP.
Three new dog breeds have been recognized by the AKC: The Icelandic Sheepdog, The Cane Corso and Leonberger. I don't know about the first two, but doesn't a Leonberger dog sound like a combo meal at a Chinese McDonalds?
An Austrian University is looking for young girls who are afraid of spiders. The first person to arrive was Justin Bieber, and he brought his own bug spray.
“Huge”, a drama about a group of teens sent to a fat camp, marks an advance in fat acceptance on TV. What? Where did Oprah go wrong?
Statistics show that manufacturing is the sector of the economy that is growing at the fastest pace. In China.
That's all for today! Definitely more coming tomorrow!
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