"Using An Electric Eel"

Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg will be interviewed on “60 Minutes” next Sunday.  To give you an idea of Facebook, its online security quality is equivalent to that of WikiLeaks.

A new study says there may be as many as 300 sextillion stars in the night sky.  And ironically enough, not one of them is located in Hollywood.

The names that parents choose to give their newborn children reveals information about the parents.  For example, the name "Shequanna" indicates that the parents have been on the Maury Povich show. (this is not racist at all, I've seen a lot of baby Shequannas on Maury)

MLB pitcher Jamie Moyer had Tommy John surgery.  You know you're getting old when your fastest pitches are 85 miles per hour and your arm still gives out.

An aquarium in Japan is using an electric eel to light its Christmas tree.  This kind of news story makes me think of those five magic words: What could possibly go wrong?

The U.S. says its ready to help give financial aid to the EU.  That's like hiring Charlie Sheen as your sober coach.

Newark, New Jersey is laying off 14% of its police force because of budget problems.  The biggest problem: nobody wants to live in Newark.


A report says that good looking couples have more daughters.  In other words, no matter who my wife is, we are going to have a family full of boys.


A college student in Florida googled his own name and found he was mistakenly wanted for murder.  That's peculiar for him.  He has nothing better to do but to google his own name?


72 year old Jane Fonda will make her first exercise video in fifteen years.  I am already getting visuals that I don't want.


Northern Kentucky has been chosen as the site for a theme park based on Noah’s Ark.  "Northern Kentucky" is one of those ironies, like "Comic Book Collector's Girlfriend".


Some hospitals are starting to add Wi-Fi and gourmet meals to attract patients.  What do they expect people to do, get hurt on purpose?


The most asked web question in 2010 was how to tie a tie.  The second most asked web question: What the hell did Mel Gibson say this time?

That's all I have for right now!  More tomorrow!

"Writing A Memoir"

Dec. 1, 1891, James Naismith invented basketball.  Basketball has existed for 121 years, and the Nets still don't know how to play.

A Harvard University doctor has shown that aging can be reversed in mice.  In Los Angeles, they call that "Plastic surgery".

Snoop Dogg will perform at Prince William’s bachelor’s party.  It's a good idea.  The person in the world with nothing better to do will host Snoop Dogg at his wedding.

Tony Parker’s attorney quit in the middle of his divorce from Eva Longoria.  It's like he plays for the Cincinnati Bengals.

No major hurricanes hit the U.S, mainland for the fifth straight year, despite twelve hurricanes forming in the Atlantic Basin.  So despite several signs that something major would happen, nothing really did.  Kind of like Obama's presidency.

More than eight million people stopped using credit cards last year.  What use do credit cards have if they don't have any money?

Guns will soon be allowed on Amtrak trains.  Or, as people who are full of themselves call them, arms.

An economist says that house prices will “bounce along the bottom” for most of next year.  Kind of like the economy.

A report says that more teens are getting their high school diplomas.  Of course, a high school diploma now is the equivalent of an elementary school education thirty years ago.

The UK is going to limit the export of a drug that is used in executions in the U.S.  Instead of the drugs, the UK is going to send the US their food.

Tiger Woods’ story is going to be dramatized on NBC’s “Law & Order”.  "Law & Order": the two things most lacking in the NFL.

A study says that good looks may actually hurt women in a job interview.  Unless you work in porn.

Kara DioGuardi is writing a memoir of her time as a judge on “American Idol”.  This is another step in the "Anybody Can Write A Book" list.

Kid Rock says that scalpers are ruining his birthday party by buying tickets and reselling them for a higher price.  Of course, how do we know that Kid Rock tickets have any value?

That's all I have for today!  More tomorrow!

Hey! Guess What!

Guess what? I'm on Twitter! Finally, another website for my crappy jokes.

Follow me @ AlexSchubs

"Born This Way"

Latino leaders nationwide are thinking of breaking with the Democrats to form the new Tequila Party. Well, they had the idea, but forgot about it the very next day.

Justin Bieber says he plans to attend college after high school. Hey Bieber, let's get through the second grade, and THEN we'll talk.

Lady Gaga has promised that her new album "Born this way" will be the greatest album of this decade. In fact, her debut single from that album will be a duet with Kanye West: Devil in a New Meat Dress.

A man is dead after falling from the upper deck at Chicago's Soldier Field. He hit the ground harder than Michael Vick when he got sacked.

Actor Leslie Nielsen had died at the age of 84. He has asked his loved ones to not remember him as Shirley.

An actor playing a dying Sigmund Freud in a stage production collapsed during a performance. His friends kept telling him, "Dude, the play is over now".

President Obama has proposed a two year freeze on pay for federal workers. This is terrible. How can these people feed their families?

San Francisco has outlawed sitting or lying on the sidewalk. I wonder though, how will homeless people pay their fines?

A study says that one in nine teens or young adults is on a prescription medication. And of those teens that are on the medication, one in one hundred actually have a prescription.

15% of incoming Congressional Representatives plan on sleeping in their offices. While they are supposed to be working.

A $65 Million production of “Spider Man” on Broadway has flopped because of a dull score and baffling script. In that case, why is Jersey Shore such a success?

An English soccer team lost a match 55-0. Ironically enough, their team nickname: the Bengals.

Buffalo Bills wide receiver Steve Johnson blamed God for a game-winning pass Johnson dropped. What's the difference between God and the Bills' chances of winning? God actually exists.

A reported 107 Million people took part in Cyber Monday this year. Cyber Monday is followed up by Credit Card Debt Tuesday.

24 year old Chinese pop star Wang Bei has died from complications during plastic surgery. In a related story, people are recommending Heidi Montag see that exact doctor.

A study says that wine may help fight Alzheimer’s Disease. Finally, some good news for Charlie Sheen.

The federal government is ordering local governments to replace street signs. This is a good idea, considering that many stop signs say, "Stop! In the name of love."

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Next Release"

While playing basketball, President Obama was hit in the mouth with an elbow. The last time somebody was hit in the mouth at the White House, Joe Biden was giving a speech.

A Russian scientist has recreated the Ice Age in Northern Siberia. In fact, it's almost as cold as the Cincinnati Bengals offense.

A 54-year-old Escondido, CA man pleaded not guilty to charges he had a bomb-making factory in his house. And now, the only bomb making factory in California is Ben Affleck's movie studio.

The Miami Heat held a players-only meeting. The meeting included Heat players LeBron James, Dwyane Wade, Chris Bosh, some other guy, what's his face, so-and-so...

Brett Favre has a sinus infection. Favre became sick after watching his own highlight reel.

Willie Nelson was busted for possession of marijuana in Texas. You know that saying, "History always repeats itself"...

New York City regulators want to update the dress code for cabbies. They are now making it mandatory for cab drivers to do laundry at least once a month.

A push is on for a Civil Rights Museum in Mississippi. That's like a Holocaust survivors' museum next to Mel Gibson's house.

England had its most widespread snowfall since 1993 last week. In fact, it snowed so much, England was more white than Star Wars conventions.

MTV says it will fight a lawsuit by a writer who claims to have come up with the idea for “Jersey Shore”. Here's my idea of Jersey Shore: it's exactly like the Jerry Springer Show, but with people who care about how they look.

The Obama Administration is telling Wikileaks that the next release of documents could put countless lives at risk, threaten counter-terrorism operations and jeopardize relations with other countries. Who knew it could get any worse?

A former Miss Universe from Venezuela was ridiculed after posting a statement on Twitter confusing Korea with China. The tweet: those Korean kids did a good job making my car.

The Irish Government has unveiled a harsh budget to slash deficits and keep the country from going bankrupt. In fact, people from Ireland are now limited to a six-pack of beer every day.

Derek Jeter is reportedly asking the Yankees for a contract offer worth $25 million per year. At that price, I would rather have Michael Vick as my petsitter.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Quidditch Lingerie"

English turkey tycoon Bernard Matthews died on Thanksgiving Day at age 80. That's like Santa Claus dying on Christmas.

A Florida man was killed on a golf course after being hit by a golf ball. His last words were "Four what?".

Jobless flight attendants in Mexico are getting attention after posing for a sexy calendar. The calendar was called, "Twelve months of going through the TSA".

Doctors are warning of the dangers of possible infections spread during TSA patdowns. Didn't they used to be called "STDs"?

A Florida lesbian resort is welcoming men guests because of the bad economy. In fact, every single male guest that went to that resort had a video camera.

A Spanish woman claims to own the sun and says she will charge everyone for its use. What's she going to do if nobody pays? Is she going to just take it away?

A Michigan man will stand trial in the sodomy of his pet pit bull. And Michael Vick was doing so well.

A survey says that 9 in 10 students admit to texting while in class. The other student does not own a cell phone.

Apple has put a stop to a company making dolls in the likeness of Steve Jobs. Mainly because they haven't come out with a newer doll of him in three months.

Fran Drescher says she is considering a run for Congress. Who knew Congress could get more annoying?

An Australian entrepreneur has developed odor trapping underwear. Isn't that called a diaper?

Warner Brothers is trademarking "Quidditch lingerie". To which most Harry Potter watchers ask, "What's lingerie?".

Reports are saying that a San Diego drug tunnel had a railcar and tons of pot. It bore a striking resemblance to Willie Nelson's tour bus.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Trapped In Her Bathroom"

Facebook is about to trademark the word “face”. In an unrelated story, I am trademarking the word "fatass".

South Korea’s Defense Minister resigned following North Korea’s surprise artillery attack. He is now working for the Cincinnati Bengals.

Michigan Congressman John Conyers was caught on video reading a Playboy Magazine on an airplane. It turns out, it was just the guide to the TSA.

A French woman was rescued after being trapped in her bathroom for three weeks. Even more stunning: someone put the seat down.

A survey says that 40% of Americans cut back on their Thanksgiving meal. The other 60% are obese.

Bristol Palin says that God was on her side at “Dancing With The Stars”. To be fair, it was a miracle that she made it to finale night.

President Obama pardoned a pair of turkeys from, as he called it, a November shellacking. It turns out, one of them was John Boehner.

A village in India has banned unmarried women from using cell phones. Of all countries to have a place that bans cell phones from people, it's the country that gives us tech support.

Disney has a new 3-D movie coming out called “Tangled”. It's about those headphones you left in your pocket all day.

AND FINALLY, SOME INTERESTING BALLOONS AT THE MACY'S THANKSGIVING DAY PARADE
-The Ricky Martin balloon was not there because it was in the closet
-The TSA balloon rubbed up on all the other balloons

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Royal Work Load"

Analysts say the North Korean attack on South Korea was nothing more than a cry for attention. Like Sarah Palin's TV show and new book.

In her new book, Sarah Palin says she loves the film “Juno” because the pregnant teenage girl decides to give birth to her baby. She dislikes it because Bristol Palin wasn't in it.

A Canadian official misspoke when asking people for “more sex stories”, instead of “more success stories”. In other words, he described American government.

Some TSA staff members say they hate dealing with obese passengers with personal hygiene issues. You know what we call these people? Americans.

A report says that half of all Americans will have diabetes by 2020. The other half will be dead due to obesity.

A survey says the one in two Americans says the airport patdowns go too far. Or, as George Bush calls it, "Almost everybody".

An English soccer player has been sentenced for driving a car on the field to try and run over a referee. The sad part: he was the most sane guy there.

A flier was pulled off a plane in Denver because other passengers were suspicious that he took several bathroom breaks. This would be a perfect Flomax commercial.

A study says that one in four overweight women think they are normal or even underweight. Considering what Americans look like nowadays, overweight is turning into normal.

A survey says that 89% of U.S. families will have Thanksgiving dinner with relatives. The other 11% can actually afford to have Thanksgiving all by themselves.

A study says that pumpkin pie can actually arouse men sexually. It's official. Obesity has taken over in this country.

Queen Elizabeth’s husband Prince Philip says he will cut his royal work load. Who knew royals had to work in the first place?

An Apple I computer built in 1976 has sold at an auction for $213,000. The buyer was a guy with way too much extra money.

That's all I have for today! Well, my knee is friggin killing me. I'm having surgery a month from now, so wish me luck! More tomorrow!

"Fainted On Stage"

President Obama is out with a new book for kids. It's called "Goodnight Reelection Chances".

Ryan Reynolds is People Magazine’s “sexiest man alive”. In fact, I'm on this list. I placed dead last.

A Wisconsin man who was enraged over Bristol Palin’s routine on “Dancing with the Stars” shot his TV. He chose shooting his TV over the other option: changing the channel.

New to Twitter, Tiger Woods said to his followers, “Thanks for all the love.” Apparently his only followers are his mistresses.

Bill Nye the Science Guy fainted on stage while giving a speech at the University of Southern California. He was shocked that the football players were getting paid more than he was.

Refugees from an Indonesian volcano living in tents are seeking a “love chamber”, a place to have sex. In America, we call these places "cars".

Senator Clair McCaskill called TSA patdowns “love pats”. Because people should get six-figure salaries for groping people. But then again, priests do the same thing.

Members of Congress saw their wealth grow by 16% during the economic crisis. I'm sure that's exactly what the American people want to hear.

Prince William and Kate Middleton are said to be heavily involved in the planning for their wedding. Of course they are heavily involved. Kate Middleton loves Prince William and Prince William doesn't have anything to do because, of course, he doesn't have a job.

The Fresno State University Student Body President has admitted he is an illegal immigrant. He ranked at the top of his college class, mainly because his major was Spanish.

A study says that open mouthed laughing is the most contagious. In other words, nobody that hears me do stand-up will be exposed to anything contagious.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Local Taverns"

November 19 is the 147th anniversary of Lincoln’s Gettysburg Address. In other words, it was "Four score and 147 years ago".

November 19 is Larry King’s birthday. He turns 77. Thousand.

Airports are thinking of booting out TSA in favor of private security firms. This would be a change from the TSA, which favored firm privates.

Bernie Madoff has written a new children’s book. The title of the book: Fonzie Steemer the Ponzi Schemer.

An Idaho woman was jailed for pretending to be a doctor and conducting breast exams in local taverns. All signs point to her being a lesbian.

Scientists in Idaho found a seismic fault in the Rockies that could unleash a 7.5 earthquake. They are called "Jumping Exercises on the Biggest Loser Ranch".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Bomb Scare"

Apple says iTunes will start selling music from The Beatles. The reason it took them so long was because Steve Jobs was waiting for approval from John Lennon.

The New York Yankees are raising some ticket prices next season. For example, it will cost $10,000 to sit in a seat where your view is obstructed by crazed fans.

Penn State running back Silas Redd was arrested at 4:13am for urinating in public. I guess he puts the "P" in Penn State.

Ohio State evacuated four buildings due to a bomb scare. It turns out, it was only their football team.

Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. Of course, politicians and athletes are very different. One group of people are overpaid attention whores that don't perform to their expectations, and the other people are athletes.

Former Virginia Senator George Allen says that politicians can learn from sports. The one thing I have learned from both: it doesn't matter how you perform, as long as you have a lot of money.

New York Comptroller Thomas DiNapoli says Wall Street’s profit could hit $19 Billion for 2010. That's barely enough to cover the executive businesses.

A study says a small percentage of teens actually have a problem with video game addiction. That's like saying Charlie Sheen enjoys the occasional glass of wine.

Us Weekly Magazine says that Kate Gosselin sometimes feeds her kids week old food. And that's on a day when she's feeling generous.

Carnival says all cruises on the ill-fated Splendor will be scrubbed until January. It's not like anyone would want to go on that ship anyway.

The “Harry Potter” series is poised to pass “Star Wars” as the biggest movie franchise in history. This is especially amazing, because for both of these franchises, not a single movie-goer brought a date.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Simpsonese"

Charlie Rangel is being tried by a jury of his peers for violating Congressional ethics. I have never heard of such a thing. Congressional ethics?

Actress/singer Jessica Simpson says she will be riding in the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade. In Simpsonese, that means "I'm having sex on a Thanksgiving float".

A Florida truck dealership is offering customers a free AK-47 with the purchase of a new vehicle. What could possibly go wrong?

Vikings owner Zygi Wilf says he is not considering firing coach Brad Childress. He will fire Childress when someone can correctly pronounce Zygi Wilf.

A new Japanese canned drink vending machine uses facial recognition technology to "recommend" drinks based on the customer's age and gender. I went to that vending machine, and I was recommended the dietary drink.

Scientists are proposing sending older people to colonize Mars on a one way mission where they would never come back. This is exactly what Brett Favre needs.

A Florida executive says she was fired for having “distracting” breasts. Doesn't that usually get you a promotion?

The U.S. says South American gangs are buying jets, filling them with cocaine and flying them to Europe to sell. The part of this that was least difficult for South Americans: finding pilots.

A study says teenagers who can’t see other people’s points of view will get better with age. This study was conducted by a bunch of old politicians.

Bill Clinton will have a part in the movie “The Hangover 2” which will film in Thailand. Apparently "I did not have sexual relations with that woman" turned into "I didn't git nun".

LeBron James is reportedly a finalist for Time’s “Person of the Year”. Who knew Miami Heat fans worked for Time?

A prank in Arizona resulted in a road sign warning people of zombies. I feel like Arizona thinks they are in a sci-fi movie. They are warning their citizens about zombies and aliens.

What do Barack Obama and Tiger Woods have in common? They are both incapable of pulling out.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Hidden In Her Bra"

A new survey says “spillcam” and “vuvuzela” are the top words for 2010. While we're talking about the list of things that annoy the hell out of us, why not say "Alex Schubert".

Kirk Gibson’s 1988 World Series home run bat sold at auction for $575,000. The reason it's so valuable is because it was the last chance that the Dodgers ever had to make the postseason.

A Maryland politician and his wife were caught with $80,000 hidden in her bra. That's absurd. A politician with his own wife?

200 students at the University of Central Florida have admitted to cheating on a test. These people are called "athletes".

A search is on for a missing 92 year old hiker in a New York park. Did anybody check the cemetery?

The Quidditch World Cup was held in New York City over the weekend. The Quidditch World Cup is proof that you can be a winner and a loser at the same time.

A peer-reviewed study suggests that humans may have predictive powers. These people are called "weathermen".

Facebook is launching a new e-mail service. The catch: you can only use it to contact people you barely remember from high school.

President Bush is being accused of lifting material for his autobiography “Decision Points” from other sources. I agree with these accusations. We all know President Bush can't write to save his own life.

The Mayor of Oklahoma City has rejected a proposal to have a Lingerie Football League team play in the city. In a related story, his popularity rating has shot down 60%.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Attacking A Policeman"

Conan O’Brien lost one third of his viewers the second night of his new show. Mainly because his viewers realized that if they wanted to watch a drunk white guy make an ass of himself, they could just watch Letterman.

An Illinois woman is accused of attacking a policeman with a sex toy. In other words, she just stole the officer's handcuffs.

NBA player Gilbert Arenas admitted that he once defecated in a teammate’s shoes. And you thought the Wizards were crap before.

A nearly 300-foot tower being demolished in Ohio fell the wrong direction and scared people. Especially the people inside the building.

A Virginia bill is asking for a special license plate commemorating the Tea Party. It's for cars that only turn to the right.

Amazon is no longer selling a controversial guide for pedophiles. The book is called, "Becoming a Priest: For Dummies".

A study says that people are happiest when they are having sex, exercising and talking to other people. No wonder I'm such a grouch.

A study says that people’s minds wander 47% of the time. In fact, it ...

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Diseased Lungs"

The federal government has proposed placing graphic images of diseased lungs on packages of cigarettes. They could also just ban cigarettes.

Researchers say Neanderthals had a raucous and promiscuous sex life. In fact, it was reported that Regis Philbin had seven mistresses.

The new French fries at Wendy’s now have sea salt. Unfortunately, so does their water.

The tuberous bushcricket has the largest testicles in relation to its body size of any known creature. That's ironic for a creature with "bush" in its name.

Two sisters in Oklahoma playing for their school golf team got holes-in-one during the same round. And they also kicked ass on the golf course, too.

Sears stores will stay open on Thanksgiving Day for the first time in their 124 year history. In fact, every Sears store combined is expected to get at least two customers.

Presumptive House Speaker John Boehner says he will travel between home and Washington, D.C. on commercial flights. I'm not sure Joe Biden got the message when he heard "Boehner coming and going".

A sex shop in Alabama offers a drive through window to buy sex toys. What do you get when you cross a drive thru with a sex shop? "Would you like fries ... with this shake?".

President Bush says he has a “clean conscience” when it came to recognizing the problems that led to the financial crisis. No, Mr. President, it wasn't your conscience that was clear. It was your brain.

Former NFL quarterback Jim McMahon says he is suffering memory loss at age 51. The real question is: how does he know what he's suffering from?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Friendliest City"

Teens who text more than 120 a day also have a lot of sex. Especially if those texts are of them without their clothes on.

Ask.com is laying off 130 engineers. Ironically enough, when the company was asked why, they didn't have an answer.

Charleston, SC has been named the friendliest city in the US. The least friendly city in the US: any city that Mel Gibson lives in.

A fire has left a Carnival Cruise Line ship without toilets, air conditioning or phone service. It's almost as if they were flying Southwest.

President Bush was interviewed by Oprah Winfrey and said he is through with politics. Didn't he say the same thing in 2001?

President Obama says the perks of being President aren’t bad. He is missing some perks, like an approval rating.

Former BP CEO Tony Hayward says the company was unprepared for the Gulf oil spill. I never would have thought that.

Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt have been offered $100,000 for a job that would require them to leave the country. Hopefully forever.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Electric Taxis"

New York City Mayor Michael Bloomberg wants big cities to start using electric taxis. How about cleaner taxis?

Medical researchers have figured out a way to turn a person’s skin into blood. It's called a mosquito.

LA Lakers star Kobe Bryant stars in a new TV ad for the video game “Call Of Duty”. You know what the difference is between Kobe and COD players? Kobe has actually had a girlfriend.

A study says good conversation boosts a person’s brain power. You know what this means? Guests on the Maury Povich show are mentally retarded.

Fox has ordered a new show where contestants are given $1 Million and have it slowly taken away. The title of the show: American Stock Market.

Pennsylvania may outlaw cakes, cookies and candy at school birthday parties. And who says Pennsylvania is doing nothing about the educational system?

Filmgoers have been reportedly fainting during the self-amputation scene in the movie “127 Hours”. You know what Jeffrey Dahmer calls this scene? A huge turn-on.

Charlie Sheen brushed aside questions from his latest meltdown, saying “Can’t a guy have one bad night?”. Everyone in America has had the same response: "Just one?".

President Bush says the financial crisis “blindsided” him. I don't think he knows what "blindsided" is. Bush said it "blindsided" him like that Ravens football player.

Doctors say they are close to making STD tests available through cell phones. This sounds a little confusing. I mean, I can barely fit my cell phone charger in the slot.

A study says that working for food makes it taste better. This means that 10% of Americans hate their food.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Joined Facebook"

We lost an hour this weekend due to Daylight Savings Time. Usually, when Americans lose an hour, they watch Dancing With The Stars.

Republicans say they’re planning an all-out assault on the Obama health care program. Didn't they already do that? They're called "attack ads".

Republican Senator-elect Rand Paul says lawmakers must consider cuts in military spending. Especially since we are pulling out within the next two years.

Britain’s Queen Elizabeth II has joined Facebook. And you thought poking was creepy before.

A Chilean miner managed to cross the finish line in the New York City Marathon. In fact, it only took him 69 days.

President Obama is in India pushing for U.S. jobs. This is being called "Operation Please Come Back To America".

Amazon is buying diaper.com for $540 Million. Americans who know the difference between the two get a huge cash prize.

A study says that tonsil surgery may not help kids to stop bedwetting, as previously thought. I have to ask: Where does pee come out of us again?

Penn State coach Joe Paterno has won his 400th game. He is such a legend that he is being offered a sponsorship deal for Flomax.

Jamie Moyer appears to have ended his baseball career after injuring his elbow playing in the Dominican Republic. Really? I thought at his age, people broke their hip.

A hotel in Sweden is letting guests use their mobile phones as room keys. Of course, it's kind of hard to get into hotel rooms while driving.

"Damn Right"

In his new book, George W. Bush says “damn right” to the question of whether her personally authorized the use of waterboarding, which he says is not torture. You know what is torture? Having George W. Bush as President.

Domino's Pizza Japan, Inc. is offering to pay one person $31,000 for a one-hour job. The job is to eat a piece of Domino's Pizza.

Nancy Pelosi says she will try to remain as the Democratic House Leader. You were elected out of office. May I be the first to say, "Good luck".

Hillary Clinton says she is ruling out Presidential runs in 2012 and 2016. Mainly because she knew she had absolutely no chance of winning.

German commentators in Der Spiegel are describing President Obama as cold, arrogant and elitist. Who knew Germany had a FOX News?

The U.S. economy added 151,000 jobs in October. About four of those jobs were not outsourced.

Charlie Sheen has reportedly hired a “sober coach” to keep him away from drugs and alcohol. The key to success for the sober coach: show videos of Charlie while he was drunk.

Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke says that it is “critical” to get the economy going. Well gee, I could have thought of that.

Spencer Pratt and Heidi Montag say they are broke, homeless, and ready to file for bankruptcy. You know how they get out? Have people pay them millions of dollars to get the hell off of TV.

That's all for now! More tomorrow!

"A Big Parade"

President Obama says everyone in Washington, including himself, needs to do a better job. He's just figuring this out now?

A giant panda at the Atlanta Zoo gave birth to a cub for the third time. To which people in Chicago said, "Please tell me this cub can play baseball".

The Giants had a big parade in San Francisco. And then they realized that they won the World Series.

The price of sugar is at a 30 year high. And do you think obese Americans care?

A woman in Spain says she is “delighted” her ten year old daughter gave birth along with the 13 year old father. The woman added that it's nice to be a 21-year old grandmother.

A Los Angeles man says he stayed awake 40 straight days with no sleep. He stayed awake by being forced to watch attack ads.

Forbes has named Chinese President Hu Jintao as the world’s most powerful person. Let's be fair. His country has their own jobs. And American jobs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Prop 19"

Prop 19, which called for the legalization of marijuana in California, did not pass yesterday. This is terrible news for stoners who still don't notice the difference.

Three US astronauts on the International Space Station cast their ballots on Tuesday. These votes did not have any weight on the election.

Indonesia’s erupting Mt. Merapi volcano forced the cancellation of numerous international flights. So numerous international flights did not fly. And then a volcano erupted.

The 49ers rallied to beat the Broncos at Wembley Stadium in London, Sunday, in front of 84,000 fans. Unfortunately, 83,000 of those fans thought they were going to watch a different football.

The Magic-Knicks game at Madison Square Garden was postponed after debris fell from the rafters. The debris fell faster than the Knicks' winning percentage.

A 17 year old stowaway in Siberia survived a flight in a plane's landing gear. And his ride was the most comfortable of anybody in the plane.

The midterm election turnout is expected to break records. One record: the most suicides due to being annoyed by attack ads.

A report says that Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife Tish ended their marriage after she had an affair with Bret Michaels. And after Billy Ray Cyrus had an affair with his daughter.

The lawyer of Brooke Mueller says her husband Charlie Sheen humiliated her. Isn't being married to Charlie Sheen humiliating enough?

Janet Jackson says in an interview that she never wanted to be a singer. If only Michael had that same revelation.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"A Pink Wig"

Today, November 2nd, is "Day of the Dead". Today is a day that we celebrate the playoff hopes of the Dallas Cowboys.

At this year’s Miami Book Fair International, the featured country is Mexico. This came as a shock to all the Cubans living in Miami.

Brazil elected its first woman president. The next closest Brazilian woman to be their president: Ronaldo.

Rapper Lil Wayne is the second recording artist to release a No. 1 album while serving a sentence. If only Lil Wayne knew what the other kind of sentence is.

A new British study says alcohol is more dangerous than heroin, crack, marijuana and ecstasy. Let's be fair. Lindsay Lohan has overdosed on all these and she's still alive.

One of the now-famous Chilean miners will run in the New York City Marathon. Expect him to be interviewed by Oprah within the next week.

A survey says 75% of Americans feel things are going badly, the highest number since the mid 70s. The other 25% have been medically diagnosed as "crazy".

A survey says that 52% of Americans say the economy is the most important issue. The other 48% of people are stoners living in California.

Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez says that golf courses should be destroyed and used for other purposes. Expect this to be in an attack ad by tonight.

Randy Quaid and his wife Evi say they are on the run from “Star whackers” who are out to get them. They are perfectly safe. Neither one of them are stars.

China is holding the world’s largest census which will cover ten days to count all the people who live there. I saw the census. The box for number of children:
0 - [ ]
1 - [ ]
2+ - [ ]
If you answered "2+": What would you like to happen to you (you must choose at least one):
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]
Die - [ ]

The owner of the National Enquirer is filing for bankruptcy. This is a sad ending for both people that still believe what they write.

A study says people are what they watch. This is terrible news for people who watch Jerry Springer.

A transsexual wearing a pink wig and a dress won Britain's national Scrabble championship. Congratulations, Lady Gaga.

The British big-and-tall retailer High & Mighty has introduced a size XXXXL suit for men with a 64-inch chest and 60-inch waist. In fact, they give customers a basketball court for a dressing room.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Stone Tools"

An 18-year-old US woman won the Miss World contest in Beijing, China. She had an amazing talent: being able to eat a cheeseburger without throwing it up.

California gubernatorial candidate Meg Whitman says that her former housekeeper should be deported. If she isn't deported, Whitman said that the housekeeper must suffer through watching campaign ads.

A New York judge says a four year old girl can be sued over a bicycle accident. They can be sued for the entire contents of their piggy banks.

Researchers have found stone tools dating back 75,000 years ago. They were first used when Larry King needed to build a new house.

A documentary about Justin Bieber will be in the theaters in February. And once it's out of theaters, Bieber will go where all the other talentless teenage heartthrobs go: the Disney Channel.

A study says that children in the U.S. watch an average of five hours of TV a day. Of the five hours, four hours and 50 minutes consists of negative campaign ads.

Facebook has spent $6,600 to fight the proposed Social Network Privacy Act. Do they realize how many FarmVille items they could have bought with that money?

A study says that pregnancy is less likely if the male partner is overweight. Mainly because women don't want to have sex with fat people.

"A Free Joint"

Sarah Palin said she would run for president in 2012, “if there’s nobody else to do it”. To be honest, Sarah, I would rather have nobody do it.

The earliest photographic images of humans, from around 1838, have been found. They are pictures of Brett Favre's penis.

The Internet is now available at the base camp of Mt. Everest. And you thought your computer froze up before.

China now owns the fastest computer in the world; it does 2.5 quadrillion calculations per second. Just what Americans need: the Chinese to be better at math.

Carmelo Anthony of the Denver Nuggets says it’s “time for a change”. Gee, since when did President Obama become his speechwriter?

A study says the Internet accounts for 7.2% of the British economy. Of that 7.2%, 99.7% of that involves porn subscriptions.

A San Francisco pot shop is offering a free joint to customers after each Giant home run. Considering their offense, it's going to be a sense of false hope.

A report says six in ten Hispanics say they feel more discrimination. Apparently six in ten Hispanics live in Arizona.

James MacArthur, who played “Danno” on the original “Hawaii Five-0” has died at age 72. His funeral director has chosen not to bury him or cremate him, but instead has decided to book him.

A gunman alert during a visit by President George W. Bush to Texas A&M was claimed to be a “misunderstanding” by the University. Like everything President Bush says.

Chicago Cubs owner Todd Ricketts was fired from his job as a maintenance employee on “Undercover Boss”. You know you suck as a worker when you aren't even good enough for the Chicago Cubs.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"His Opponent's Stench"

Billy Ray Cyrus and his wife are getting a divorce. Mainly because Billy Ray had feelings for another woman. His daughter.

A Colorado man told police he shot himself while sleepwalking and remembered nothing about it. I'm no Albert Einstein, but if you can describe what happened, you clearly remembered something about it.

A California congressional candidate mailed a scratch-and-sniff ad representing his opponent’s stench in Washington. Come on, dude. That idea stinks.

Arizona executed a guy on Tuesday. The crime? Not showing his papers to the police.

The head of British Airways blasted U.S. airport security as being “useless”. He's just finding this out?

NASA is proposing a mission where astronauts would be flown to Mars and left there forever. The person most suggested: Nancy Pelosi.

15 people were killed in a car wash shooting in Mexico. 15 people in Mexico? That's like an entire Toyota Prius.

Archaeologists claim they have found the site of the wedding of Pocahontas in 1614. This comes as a shock to both people that actually care.

The original Darth Vader costume from “Star Wars” will be up for auction. The buyer may be single, but ladies, at least he's got a lot of money.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Depressed Women"

ABC canceled its new legal drama “The Whole Truth”, which attracted just 5.3 million viewers. Coincidentally, Congress has never heard of this show.

Actor Charlie Sheen was taken to a New York hospital for psychiatric evaluations after throwing furniture around a hotel room. I guess "furniture" was the name of his new girlfriend.

A new study says every year 400,000 babies are born to depressed women. This number goes down to 100,000 if you don't factor in the Octomom.

The NBA is investigating New York Knicks workouts. Who knew video games were a workout?

The world's oldest twins have turned 100. Here's how old they are: even they don't know which person is which.

Air New Zealand will offer a “cuddle class” in coach where people can lie down during flights. Who knew airlines came up with a class that actually has leg room?

Jon Stewart has been named the Most Influential Man of 2010 by askmen.com. If a reject who makes terrible jokes about current events is at the top of the list, then why am I not anywhere on the list?

Charlie Sheen was found drunk and naked along with a prostitute in a trashed New York City hotel room. Usually when that happens to Charlie Sheen, he's on the set of Two and a Half Men.

An online store in Missouri is selling a 3-pound, 26-inch-long 4,000-calorie gummy worm that it claims is the world’s largest. That's the biggest worm to enter someone's mouth since, I guess, Paris Hilton.

That's all I have for now! More later!

"Broke His Collarbone"

Afghan President Hamid Karzai says he accepts bags of cash from Iran. To which the U.S. said, "What's his secret?"

A Seaside city in Italy wants to ban miniskirts for being indecent. Nobody would think this is a problem until they realize that the men are the ones wearing them.

A study out of Syracuse University has concluded that falling in love takes .2 seconds and its effect is like cocaine. This is very true. In both cases, it lasts one night, and the very next day, you go out looking for more.

Brett Favre now admits leaving voicemails for the former New York Jets game hostess but denies sending lewd photos. To be fair, these are Brett Favre's only balls to not be intercepted.

Mel Gibson is furious that he was replaced by Liam Neeson for a cameo in the sequel to “The Hangover.” A furious Mel Gibson? I have never heard of such a thing...

A new study in Holland found that shy, introverted students are more likely to choose science subjects at school. These people are called "geeks".

Chile’s president apologized for writing a Third Reich slogan “Germany above all” on a guest book during a Berlin visit. Who knew the Chilean President's last name was Hitler?

A candidate for governor in Rhode Island said President Obama could “shove it” after learning Obama would not endorse him. Usually, the only ones telling Obama to "shove it" are Republicans.

A north Georgia man told his wife that there was a buffalo in their swimming pool. Of course, his wife thought that claim was complete bull. (Yes, I just made that pun).

Pitt basketball coach Jamie Dixon rescued two people from a late night auto accident. There hasn't been this big of a late night accident since The Tonight Show with Conan O' Brien.

A group of four German high school students took first prize in the final of the Ugly Dance World Cup held in Hamburg this weekend. Coming in a close second: the cast of "Dancing With The Stars".

Dallas Cowboys quarterback Tony Romo broke his collarbone. Now, the Cowboys are searching for the next person to be their overpaid, overrated quarterback.

BP CEO Bob Dudley slammed the media for its “rush to judgment” over the Gulf Oil Spill. What's not to judge? It's your fault, your ex-CEO couldn't care less, and the cleanup took several months.

China is planning on sending an orbiter to Mars as early as 2013. Who says there aren't any more American jobs?

The CEO of Google says if people don’t like their home being on Street View, they can move. They will be forced to move to a house that was on Street view in the first place.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Scaled Back"

Wrangler Jeans has scaled back on their TV ads featuring Brett Favre. Mainly because Brett Favre isn't known for wearing pants anymore.

French President Nicolas Sarkozy’s approval ratings have dropped to an all time low. What's the deal with Presidents and low ratings these days?

The CDC says that up to one third of American adults could have diabetes by 2050. Or at least it would seem that way.

A California woman drove several months with the dead body of a homeless woman in her passenger seat. And she still had new car smell.

South Africa is considering banning vuvuzelas after fans threw some onto the field at a soccer game. Who would have thought in a million years that vuvuzelas would be banned for a reason different than people being annoyed?

A study says that clenching your muscles can help boost willpower to achieve certain goals. This study was conducted by old guys on the toilet.

The creators of “South Park” have apologized for using other writers’ lines. Haha! That's what she said!

400.000 leaked government documents about the War in Iraq portray a nation that is weak and divided. The real question is, which nation is that: Iraq or the US?

MySpace admits sharing user data with advertisers. Who do they think they are, Facebook?

The cast of “Jersey Shore” fought on a recent show over which of them is the most fake. In the end, everybody won.

A new blood test may help detect schizophrenia. Here's how it works: if you have more than one blood type, you are schizophrenic.

A new book explains why overachievers tend to choke under pressure. This book is entitled "New York Yankees".

Scientists at UCLA are developing a battery that is smaller than a grain of salt. Talk about a salt and battery.

Scientists in Israel have developed material that could lead to the toughest body armor ever. In America, we call that "Body fat".

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Four Feet Long"

Fearing an election rout in November, President Obama is reaching out to women. A black president is reaching out to white women to gain their vote. You know what the early 1900's would call this? Completely unheard of.

Singer Katy Perry will marry Russell Brand this weekend in India. Of course, Katy's dress will not be able to show any cleavage.

The NBA wants players’ salaries to drop by 33%. I disagree. With that big of a salary cut, how will these players feed their families?

The World Wildlife Fund says tigers could be extinct in 12 years. How will the PGA go on without tigers?

A cat named Stewie measures four feet long. I haven't heard "Stewie" and "four feet long" in the same sentence since the baby's head on Family Guy.

Lady Gaga and Sir Elton John have collaborated on a new track due to appear in an upcoming Disney movie. The film? Out of the Closet.

The web domain name “sex.com” has sold for $13 Million. Unfortunately for porn viewers, the buyer lives alone and has a webcam and a bed.

McDonald’s stock has hit an all time high of $79.40. Even though it's so expensive, it's a good investment. Have you seen how fat people are in this country?

A report says Arctic ice is disappearing and may never return to the way it was. This report was released by the Al Gore Institute.

A crocodile smuggled onto a plane is being blamed for its crash in the Congo. That must have been one hell of a carry-on bag.

The Octomom’s doctor says he didn’t hear about her octuplets until after they were born. Just like the rest of America.

Penthouse Magazine founder Bob Guccione has died at age 79. His casket will be exactly like his models' legs: open.

Mel Gibson’s planned cameo in “Hangover 2” has been canceled over objections by the cast and crew. You know you're controversial when the cast and crew of the Hangover object to you being in their movie.

7.8 Million Californians took part in an earthquake drill at 10:21 AM Thursday. The drill became a reality when Kirstie Alley tripped and fell on her way there.

A woman in Taiwan who was discouraged with the available men in her city will marry herself. Or, as I call it, "My only option".

That's all for right now! More later!

Missing Northern Kentucky Teenager

This post is putting aside all jokes

As many people in Cincinnati may have heard, there is a 17-year old teenage girl missing. Her name is Paige Johnson. Many people are crushed by her disappearance. Her friends, family, and acquaintances want closure. In fact, I knew Paige. It turns out, she was in my fifth grade class at R.C. Hinsdale Elementary in Edgewood, Kentucky with Mr. Frampton. Paige, I know you probably don't read my blog, but if you are out there, please return. We are scared to death.

You are in my thoughts and prayers. We pray for your reappearance (alive, of course).

"Wine Grape Crop"

US Marshals will auction off some of Bernie Madoff’s personal items, including his velveteen slippers with the “BLM” embroidery. That's weird; I didn't know snakes wore shoes period.

In France, a woman woke up after being declared “clinically dead”. Isn't that called "a coma"?

Magic Johnson sold his 105 Starbucks locations back to the company for about $100 million. He can finally afford a cup of Starbucks coffee.

In Peru, a soccer team claims its opponent snuck a depressant drug into their water bottles. In fact, the water made the Peru soccer team as depressed as the average Detroit Lions fan.

The U.K. is reportedly going to cut 500,000 government jobs over the next few years in a plan to cut spending by $131 Billion. The U.S. has responded, "What does it mean when you cut spending?".

A report says the California marijuana crop is worth $14 Billion, which is more than the wine grape crop value of $2 Billion. In a related story, the car that Paris Hilton and Lindsay Lohan share has been valued at $16 Billion.

A New Jersey toll worker made an annual salary of $321,000 after bonuses and payouts. Most of that money came from people who wanted to leave New Jersey.

A prosecutor in Detroit is proposing that parents who do not attend at least one parent-teacher conference during the year will serve jail time. Or at least a time out.

A Belgian skydiver was convicted of tampering with a romantic rival's parachute which resulted in the rival's death. As a result, the skydiver's career will hit the ground harder than his opponent.

The Federal Reserve says the U.S. economy is expanding at a "modest pace". Prove it.

The Federal Reserve is planning to buy $500 Billion in U.S. debt. Considering our crappy economy, where do they get the money?

A survey says that one in six students reports being bullied. The other five are at least five feet tall.

An eleven year old teenager in Nebraska was kicked off her cheerleading squad for refusing to "shake her booty" in a routine. The question is, what coach would actually force an eleven year old to shake their booty?

A study says a child’s waist size can indicate their future health risks. Experts have just discovered this? Really?

Starbucks is introducing their own digital network that will greet customers as they connect with their Wi-Fi system. This system is called the "We-Are-Too-Lazy-To-Actually-Greet-You-In-Person-omatic 5000".

NPR fired longtime analyst Juan Williams after he said on Fox News that, when he is on a plane with Muslims, “I get nervous". Aren't these the same people that were attacking President Obama for potentially being a Muslim?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Group Of Stars"

Someone fired shots at the Pentagon. To which Al-Qaeda said, "Amateurs".

In New York, one gubernatorial candidate represents the Rent Is Too Damn High Party. The only political party more ridiculous: Republican.

Treasury Secretary Timothy Geithner vows the U.S. won’t devalue the dollar. Because everybody knows you can't devalue something that didn't have value in the first place.

Bill Clinton is asking Democrats to not vote angry. He says making decisions when mad can result in mistakes. To which Charlie Sheen says, "Ain't that the truth".

Pete Rose has apologized again for his gambling while in baseball in an interview with the AP. To which MLB commissioner Bud Selig said, "Nice try".

A survey says that 70% of Americans think the country’s power is fading. The other 30% have been put under the "Don't-know-what-the-hell-they're-talking-about" category.

Scientists studying college students have identified a gene that allows people who have it to get drunk more easily. I believe that gene is called "college student".

Lindsay Lohan’s attorneys are “expecting the worst” at her upcoming court appearance. What's new?

A study says that teen binge drinking is being linked to attention problems. Especially while the kids are drunk.

A study says that 6.1 Trillion text messages will be sent this year. Dozens of those texts will not be sent from behind the wheel.

The NBA has banned shoes that supposedly help a player go more vertical. They are called "Air Jordans".

Archaeologists in the Swiss city of Zurich have uncovered a 5,000-year-old door that may be one of the oldest ever found in Europe. It was actually built for the closet that George Michael came out of.

A British woman used 9,852 slices of bread to turn a photo of her mother-in-law into the world's largest toast mosaic. However, the only place she put the yellow butter: the teeth.

Astronomers using the Hubble telescope think they’ve found the world’s oldest galaxy – a group of stars that’s 13.1 billion years old. Kind of like the set of "The View".

FINALLY FROM COMEDIAN PAUL SEABURN
In a speech at the University of Texas-Tyler, former President George W. Bush said he read 12 biographies of President Lincoln while in office. He kept hoping to find one with a better ending.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Drove Off A Cliff"

There are several highly recognized species on the endangered list. One of the endangered species: straight Republican senators.

President Obama was upset he didn’t get to blow anything up while appearing on TV’s “MythBusters”. Let's be fair, Mr. President. You blew up the economy.

Sarah Palin hinted to a crowd in Reno that she may run for president in 2012. As a comedian, she certainly has my vote.

Former Patriots linebacker Junior Seau drove off a cliff on Monday, but was unhurt. I guess he didn't have to Seau.

China moved into the lead of team qualifying Tuesday at the world gymnastics championships. The gymnasts will be disappointed when they find out that the gold medals they receive will not be filled with chocolate.

A man is under arrest after allegedly stealing a bag of Cheetos and some Ho Hos from a Hess gas station and stuffing them down his pants. I knew all along that Cheetos and Ho Hos go right to your thighs.

Sir Elton John says that songwriters today are "awful". He got this idea after listening to Fergie.

A Vatican minister says that Homer Simpson is a Catholic. Bart is praying that he doesn't become a priest.

There are rumors surfacing that Mel Gibson is going to make a cameo in "Hangover 2". I guess it's going to be footage of him in real life.

Canadian police are investigating a case of assault at an arcade that involved teen idol Justin Bieber. Police knew something was up when they saw Bieber hiding in the crane machine.

A woman whose home was destroyed by a fire last month won $80,000 Thursday in the Kentucky Lottery. This takes "I have good news and bad news" to a whole new level.

A woman arrested in Florida told police officers she was “too rich” to go to jail. Ironically, she couldn't post bail.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Mental Disorders"

“Jackass” pulled in $50 million over the weekend. A jackass hasn't pulled in this much money since Joe Biden's campaign dinner.

Sen. John McCain’s daughter Meghan called Delaware GOP Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell a “nut job”. You know you're messed up when your dad's running mate is Sarah Palin and you're the nut job.

Switzerland has successfully created the world’s longest tunnel. In fact, it was such a long tunnel that Super Mario almost got lost.

A study shows that Americans take 5,117 steps every day, about half that of people in other countries. What's worse: Americans gets twice as winded.

A study says one in five U.S. teens suffer mental disorders. The other four teens are called "not teens".

A Vermont man has settled a suit with Burger King after claiming he found a condom in a Whopper. But chances are that if you eat at a Burger King, you won't be needing the condom.

The FDA has approved Botox to treat migraine headaches. No wonder Joan Rivers has never purchased Advil.

The Chilean miners were freed after being trapped for 69 days. What do Chile and Priests have in common? They both have "miners" and "69" in the same sentence.

Keith Richards’ new book about his life is 527 pages long. One for every year he has been alive.

A British designer has created the world's most expensive mobile phone – an iPhone 4 covered with over 500 diamonds worth almost $8 million. No, it's not the diamonds that make it so valuable. This iPhone actually can make calls.

Barbara Soper of Rockford, Michigan, has three children born on 10/10/10, 09/09/09 and 08/08/08. Unfortunately, she got married on 06/06/06.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Pixie Dust"

Michael Jordan says that if he were playing in his prime right now, he could score 100. Of course, this means that he'd have to play the Clippers.

A study says that cavemen were skilled at parenting. You know what this means? Lindsay Lohan's parents are not cavemen.

A study says that only 2% of obese people feel they need to lose weight. The other 98% are people I call "crazy".

A poll says 50% of Americans are pessimistic about their children's future. I know that pessimism is seeing the glass as half-empty, but I didn't know half of Americans saw the glass half-empty.

A phone bill analysis says that the average teenager sends 3,339 texts each month. Dozens of these texts were sent while the teens were not driving.

In a recent speech, Sarah Palin said that Democratic leaders “act like they're permanent residents of a unicorn ranch in fantasyland” and use “pixie dust.” And after the speech, she tested positive for every drug on the planet.

That's all for today! Definitely more tomorrow!

"Welcome 2 America"

Joy Behar and Whoopi Goldberg walked off the set of “The View” after a shouting match with Bill O’Reilly. Why do they feel the need to walk off? Shouting matches make "The View" what it is today.

Fifty-two-year-old singer Prince describes his new “Welcome 2 America” tour as “what we’ve all been waiting for”. No, Prince. We've all been waiting for me to tell good jokes.

Officials at Lion Country Safari in Florida say a woman drove through the park wearing nothing but an open robe. That woman needs to know that open robes are only acceptable in hospitals.

The 33 rescued miners are getting gifts from all over the world. A gift they've long awaited: sunlight.

A poll says a majority of Americans favor a third political party. Mainly because the other two suck.

A study says that love really can ease pain. This must explain why I always have so many injuries.

New airport scanners are able to tell the difference between shampoo and explosives. If you have trouble differentiating between the two, you may have some problems.

Airlines are considering doing away with first class. This is terrible. Where are rich people going to sit on the airplanes?

Brett Favre says he doesn't want to play football just to play. As old as he is, I'm a little curious as to how he knows why he plays in the first place.

That's all for right now! More later!

"Taking Tests"

Scientists say a humpback whale traveled more than 6,000 miles, from Brazil to the Indian Ocean, searching for a mate. Unfortunately for the whale, it was a creepy old fat guy who turned out to be a predator.

Oklahoma was rattled by a 5.1 earthquake. In fact, almost everything was destroyed in the middle of nowhere.

A music band blocked the 101 freeway in Los Angeles and performed on top of their truck as part of a publicity stunt. The song they performed: On The Road Again.

New York’s anti-gay Republican gubernatorial candidate Carl Paladino once collected rent from two gay clubs located in buildings he owned in downtown Buffalo. Note to self: if a Republican takes a stance against gays, he's gay.

Health officials estimate that 1 in 22 black Americans will be diagnosed with the AIDS virus in their lifetime. These are people I call "guests on the Maury Povich show".

According to a new study, taking tests is better for kids' brains than simply studying. This study was not conducted by schoolkids.

Justin Bieber is reportedly making fun of Tom Brady's hair. To which Brady responded, "Grow a pair and then we'll talk".

That's all I have for today! I wish I could have more, but I don't. More coming tomorrow!

"Related To Sarah Palin"

In an effort to be bio-friendly, Walmart will sell pet products made from trash. Don't they already do that?

Google is investing $5 billion in an offshore wind project. Isn't Google blowing this out of proportion?

The Wall Street Journal reports that Wall Street companies will pay employees $144 billion this year, breaking a record for the second year in a row. And that money is just to the CEOs.

Members of the Cherokee Nation who have access to iPhones can now text each other in their native language. Now, their newest problem: finding someplace that has service.

The Chinese company making Apple’s iPhones is being criticized with allegations of worker abuse. Chinese workers are looking for ways to heal their boo-boos.

A new study says that if California legalizes marijuana it won’t hurt the drug cartels because Californians already grow their own pot. Do you want proof that pot is actually grown? Look in Lindsay Lohan's shoe and Paris Hilton's mouth.

A New Zealand TV host resigned after mocking the name of Indian official Sheila Dikshit. He should have resigned. After all, he had no right to mock the name "Sheila".

A former sports agent says he paid Ryan Leaf $10,000 when he was still in college. You know who represents this guy now? Reggie Bush.

Genealogy reports say that Barack Obama is related to Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. Somebody better put the President under suicide watch.

Snooki from "Jersey Shore" is going to do some community service. Hopefully it involves her not being on TV.

A set of John Lennon's fingerprints being auctioned for at least $100,000 was seized by the FBI. The creepy part about all this: the only place they could find fingerprints were on Yoko Ono's skin.

Warren Buffett says that "Pain will be felt for a long time" as the economy recovers. Unless you are Warren Buffett.

The Supreme Court will rule on a case that asks if terrorist laws apply to when a wife attacks her husband. Who would have thought that Elin Nordegren would have been worse off than Tiger Woods?

House Minority Leader John Boehner says if the GOP takes control of Congress they will cut spending weekly. Exactly what is the problem with that?

A man who tried to streak in front of President Obama was doing it to cash in on an offer of a million dollars from a British website. The speech involved a guy who made himself look like an idiot and didn't care what anybody thought. And a naked guy was there, too.

Twitter is targeting one billion users. One billion people have used it; kind of like Paris Hilton.

A study says the fastest growing areas in the country show a big income drop. Mainly because of people we call "illegal immigrants".

The coach of the Detroit Lions is denying his team tried to run up the score in a 44-6 win over the Rams. Football fans were shocked. The Lions know how to score touchdowns?

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Eleven Members"

An over-exuberant author threw a copy of their book at President Obama during a recent campaign rally. He picked it up, and he read the title: "Going Rogue".

Teen idol Justin Bieber introduced his new line of nail polish. The name of the nail polish: "Coming out".

A new study found that spending too much time in front of the computer can be psychologically harmful to kids. This must explain me.

So far this season, eleven members of the Georgia Bulldogs football team have been arrested. Upon hearing the news, the Cincinnati Bengals have sent scouts.

The NFL is investigating allegations that Brett Favre sent racy images to a woman while playing for the NY Jets. And you thought the balls he dropped were ON the field.

A report says that college dropouts are costing U.S. taxpayers billions of dollars. Half of that money is going to children they have from one-night stands.

Wall Street is overwhelmingly supporting Republicans in the upcoming election. I wonder why...

The mid term Congressional elections are on track to be the costliest ever. Hey, let's use some of that money to help the national debt.

Researchers say that prehistoric fish had sex for fun. Hopefully there was a fish back then named "Maury".

Three economists are sharing the Nobel Prize for their theory about the job market. I could get the Nobel Prize for my two-word theory on the job market: It sucks.

A survey says 50% of Wall Street executives expect to receive a higher bonus than they did last year. Because if anybody needs a raise, it's those Wall Street executives.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"Three Errors"

GOP strategist Karl Rove says the Obama White House has developed an “enemies list”. Okay, Karl, let's be fair. It's not like Dick Cheney didn't do the same thing.

A new study says living under a flight path may be bad for your heart. The best place to live: the runways where airplanes are actually supposed to land.

A survey in Britain found that people over the age of 52 are grumpy. Especially when people tell them that they should go to the dentist.

Atlanta Braves second baseman Brooks Conrad’s three errors Sunday against the Giants cost the Braves the game. The last person with that many errors within a span of three hours: President George W. Bush.

Wal-Mart is ending their profit sharing plan with employees. This marks the first time in history that "Wal-Mart", "profit", and "employees" have all been used in the same sentence.

A Michigan man is planning to ride a Harley-Davidson motorcycle 300 miles with no hands. Funeral arrangements have been set for Thursday.

Carly Fiorina and Meg Whitman were downing shots of Tequila at a Hispanic award gala. Apparently it was a drinking game. They would take shots for every time they saw one of Meg Whitman's employees.

A study says that poverty is growing in American suburbs. Who knew poverty could get worse?

The PBA is planning to start using instant replay in its matches. This is expected to have a profound effect on both people who still watch the PBA.

A survey by Fidelity Investments says that one quarter of investors would now be happy to break even. Isn't that called "playing in a casino"?

A study says that 18% more people are taking painkillers at work. Apparently these people just found out what it's like to have a boss.

That's all I have for now! More later!

"More Privacy"

California scientists reportedly over calculated pollution levels by 340%. Apparently they spent too much time in Lindsay Lohan's house.

CBS is reportedly ready to let Katie Couric go, and the word is she may end up at CNN. CNN's new slogan: We take the crap that nobody else wants.

China could become the second wealthiest nation in the world by 2015. In response, China said, "None of this could have been possible without the children".

Software is being developed that can slim actors down on screen. Don't we already have that? It's called "anorexia".

Eminem says he doesn’t allow profanity in his home. That's like Lindsay Lohan having an alcohol-free refrigerator.

A study says that men sweat more than women. Mainly because women don't want to get that hot new shirt dirty.

Both parents and teens want more privacy online, according to a survey. "Not gonna happen", said Facebook.

The most popular Halloween costume this year is the cast of “Jersey Shore”. Hey, at least when you dress like Jersey Shore, you can keep the orange theme of Halloween.

A study is linking eating disorders to self-injury. Especially when the doctor tells you that you have an eating disorder.

Anderson Cooper says he is shocked that a movie trailer is using the phrase “That’s so gay.” Especially since it isn't Glee.

Research shows that 7% of all babies in the U.S. have their own e-mail address. Thanks a lot, E-Trade.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Intelligence Leaks"

The musical comedy show "Glee" has bested The Beatles record for the most hit singles. Of course, those singles were sung by other artists.

Kim Kardashian and her sister Kourtney are in New York to promote their next show, Kourtney and Kim take New York. A show with all three sisters would never work. If Kim, Kourtney, and Khloe are all in a show together, the show would be called KKK.

The Social Security Administration says that 89,000 stimulus checks for $250 each were sent to people who were either dead or in jail. They spent money that turned out useless? It must have been by force of habit.

A poll says that 25% of college students would be relieved to not be so connected to the Internet and their cell phones. These people are commonly referred to as "liars".

According to a new study, poor health care is shortening American lives. Well gee, I could have thought of that.

Sandra Bullock is in negotiations to star in the movie “Gravity”. If it's a movie about things that are scientifically forced to the ground, it must be a documentary about her marriage to Jessie James.

Sunday’s date of 10/10/10 is attracting a rush of people to get married. The exact opposite thing happened on 6/6/06.

Michelle Obama has been picked as the world’s most powerful woman by Forbes. Coming in a close second place: Justin Bieber.

A new book says that nine out of ten Americans believe in God. The other person is what most Americans call "a scientist".

A poll says that 50% more Americans are voting early. In that case, when's Election Day?

President Obama is reportedly upset with intelligence leaks to the media. He's also upset over media reports leaking that he's upset.

Lady Gaga finished ahead of Nancy Pelosi on the Forbes list of most powerful women. Nancy Pelosi is furious over the decision, and I agree. Lady Gaga doesn't really qualify as a "woman".

Tourism to Mexico is up 20% this year. You know the economy sucks when more people are going to Mexico than from Mexico.

The 14 year old girl who was the voice of “Dora The Explorer” is suing Nickelodeon, saying they cheated her out of millions of dollars of royalties. Because every bilingual 8-year old deserves to be a multimillionaire.

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"A Second Shot"

So far, Meg Whitman has spent $140 million of her own money to run for governor of California. If she loses, consider it a good investment.

Jack Camp, a 67-year-old judge from Atlanta, was caught in a drug and prostitution sting. What was this guy doing in Las Vegas in the first place?

New Yorkers’ income dropped for the first time in 70 years. Finally, some good news for people who hate Wall Street.

Goldman Sachs says the economy will be in “fairly bad” or “very bad” shape for the next six months. Mainly because they have a CEO who is still taking in bonuses.

A poll says that working class whites are leaving the Democratic Party. Who knew there were working class whites there in the first place?

A report says even the wealthy are nervous about retirement, with one in ten who have $15 Million or more feeling they don’t have enough money to retire. Look, if you have $15 Million and you are afraid you won't have enough money to retire, it's time to make some cutbacks.

A study says the U.S. is unprepared to care for kids in a major disaster. The study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.

Philadelphia pitcher Roy Halladay threw the second no-hitter in playoff history against the Cincinnati Reds. In fact, it was so bad that I only tuned in for the Conan commercials.

The Washington Post revealed that it paid $1 to buy Newsweek earlier this year. And it was still a risky investment.

A study says that regularly eating walnuts can reduce stress. In an unrelated story, Mel Gibson has been told that he has a walnut allergy.

Angelina from “Jersey Shore” says after she left the show she was never given a second shot. Didn't the problem start with them getting too many shots?

A poll says that two thirds of Americans support raising the minimum wage to $10 an hour. The other one third said, "What's minimum wage?".

A Kenyan polygamist who married more than 100 women and fathered more than 160 children died at age 94. Who knew there was a Tiger Woods in Africa?

That's all I have for today! More tomorrow!

"The Creepy Line"

What's the difference between Charlie Sheen's wife and baseballs pitched to the Cincinnati Reds? Charlie Sheen's wife actually gets hit.

Delaware Senate candidate Christine O’Donnell’s new TV ad says, “I’m not a witch; I’m you”. She isn't me. She would have killed herself by now.

Donald Trump is thinking about running for president. Of course, he is the one guy with approval ratings below President Obama.

The Obama Administration says it will install two solar panels on the White House. This idea is expected to backfire, as the White House always has a dark cloud over it.

The CEO of Google says the company will “get right up to the creepy line” but not cross it. Who does the CEO of Google think he is, Al Gore?

Forecasters say Europe could be in for the coldest winter in 1,000 years. Nobody knew the forecasters were talking about the terrorist plots.

Frito Lay is pulling its biodegradable packing from some corn chips because the bags are too noisy. In that case, can we do something about those commercials?

A study says that 199 Los Angeles County workers are making more than $250,000 a year in salary. These people are called "celebrities".

A study says that mental health issues double for people who smoke marijuana. In other words, if you live in Los Angeles, look out.

A study says that people working at noisy places are at a higher risk for heart attacks. In a related story, a defibrillator has been put on the set of The View.

An island resort in the Maldives run by Olialia will be staffed by only blondes. People could either go there or to Las Vegas and get the same experience.

A study says that depression during pregnancy can lead to a low birth weight. Who knew the Octomom's babies were anorexic before they exited the womb?

The CDC says that binge drinking is becoming a “huge health problem” for the U.S. I guess these people spend too much time with Lindsay Lohan.

A study says that sleeping in can help people lose weight. In that case, why am I still a tub of lard?

A man arrested in Florida told police that the bag of marijuana they found in his buttocks was his but the bag of cocaine was not. He won the award for "Best Paris Hilton impression".

A Texas dentist is being sued by parents who claim their young son swallowed a piece of dental equipment during an exam. Wait, there are dentists in Texas?

That's all for today! More tomorrow!

"Lean Forward"

Christine O’Donnell says she possesses classified information indicating China is plotting to take over the US. To which Walmart employees said, "They haven't done that yet?".

In Brazil, a professional clown named Tiririca was voted into congress. Brazilians aren't sure what to expect, but Americans said, "Nah, you'll get used to it".

In a big new sex survey, 85% of men say their last partner was sexually satisfied, but only 64% of women say they were satisfied. This is proof that 21% of women in this poll have perfected faking it.

The New York Knicks are practicing in Paris despite warnings about terrorist attacks. The Knicks are hoping that the terrorists are as unsuccessful as they are.

MSNBC unveiled its new slogan: “Lean Forward”. This is less extremist but similar to the slogan for the John Edwards network: "Bend Over".

A report says that Chicago has the most dangerous neighborhood in the country. And Rahm Emanuel hasn't even been elected there yet.

Apple may pass Exxon Mobil as the world’s most valuable company. Who knew Exxon Mobil had value in the first place?

Lady Gaga and Justin Bieber are closing in on 1 Billion YouTube views each. The hard part: determining which person is male and which person is female.

Jennifer Aniston tops the list of the most eligible women in a poll by Vanity Fair. On the honorable mention list: Paris Hilton, whether she's married or not.

Tony Curtis was buried wearing a Stetson hat, driving gloves and with his iPhone. Apparently this is what he was wearing at the last moments of his life - behind the wheel.

A study says that drinking is going up in teenage girls and down in teenage boys. The study was conducted while scientists looked at their Facebook pictures.

A study says that unhealthy online habits by teenagers leads to a greater risk of depression. Like talking too that fat creep who spies on you all night.

A Florida high school student sent a message in a bottle that was found in Ireland. Ireland even sent a response message: I don't care what's in yer bottle unless it's beer or whiskey.

A study says that people who who make their family a priority are happier than those who strive for material success. In a related story, Jon Gosselin has been diagnosed with depression.

A study says that people who act powerful give the impression to others that they have power. The study was conducted in North Korea.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Received Death Threats"

The wife of the imam who wanted a mosque at Ground Zero said Sunday that she and her husband have received death threats. Mainly from Terry Jones.

In a recent speech, Germany’s president said Islam is, “now part of Germany”. Things got a little awkward when President Obama said the same thing about America.

The Calif. State Legislature is about to approve a state budget more than 94 days late. That ought to make Californians feel good about their government.

The CEO of United Continental Airlines will be paid $975,000 per year along with bonuses. So that's almost one million dollars per year to help a terrible business. In fact, that almost qualifies him to play for the Mets.

In Britain, a man found a dead mouse baked into a loaf of bread. He is calling it, "The greatest thing since miced bread".

John McCain told a gathering he won’t run for President again. This now puts Obama in the clear for the 2012 presidency. Oh, it doesn't? Never mind, then.

The U.S. may issue warnings to U.S. citizens to avoid public places in Europe. They issued this statement, and then immediately after, the U.S. said, "Oh, there was a terror threat?".

CNN anchor Rick Sanchez was fired after saying that the network is run by Jews. To which CNN said, "So?".

South Africa is researching a plant that when taken lifts the mood and curbs appetites. The first person South Africa plans to give it to: Rush Limbaugh.

Bill Gates and Warren Buffett hosted a dinner for the 50 wealthiest people in China. There was a strange twist of events when half of the people turned out to need booster seats.

Author J.K. Rowling says she won’t rule out another “Harry Potter” book. How do we know she's telling the truth? Because after all, her name is J.K.

Some “Star Wars” fans are upset at plans to re-release some of the films in 3D. They are upset because they don't want to have to put 3D glasses over their regular glasses taped at the brim.

A report says that French people don’t like to exercise in gyms, that working out is not part of their “lifestyle”. The same report says that French people are often confused for American people.

According to the first Census of Marine Life, almost 250,000 marine species have now been identified, and there may be at least another 750,000 waiting to be discovered. Unfortunately, 3 million marine species were killed by BP.

A study in the Journal of Sex Research found that after sex, women prefer talking, kissing, cuddling and talking about the relationship, while men prefer to smoke, eat or drink. "I had no idea", said absolutely nobody on earth.

Former President Jimmy Carter says he's recovered from a "bout with a virus" and the 86-year-old has resumed his relatively hectic schedule. You know what Windows calls an 86-year-old with a hectic schedule who just recovered from a "bout with a virus"? A computer.

After a two-month investigation, a strip club in Cocoa, Florida, was raided by police because some of the women were dancing naked. Isn't that the whole point of strip clubs?

Emergency rooms are seeing a rash of “bystander injuries” as the result of Nintendo Wii players wildly swing the console’s remote. Note to Wii players: you aren't actually boxing.

That's all I have for today! More coming tomorrow!

"Empty Calories"

A poll says 32.3% of Americans are not affiliated with a major party. The other 67.7% work in politics.

Washington, D.C. is going to offer AIDS testing at the DMV. You know the DMV is boring when a way to kill time is to test for AIDS.

The Post Office is expecting to lose $6 Billion this year. Mainly because everybody is using email now.

A study says that one third of animals thought to be extinct eventually show up again. Please tell me that the 1/3 of animals does not include dinosaurs.

The FBI says that cyber thieves stole $70 Million from online bank accounts. Who knew that $70 Million existed here in the first place?

A study says that 40% of cancer survivors experience problems with their memory. In that case, how do they know they survived cancer?

A study says that grunting can help a tennis player win a match by throwing off their opponent. This study was conducted while scientists watched Maria Sharapova.

A study says that 40% of kids’ food intake is empty calories. The other 60% includes fats, carbs, and sugars.

A study says that thinner men have a higher suicide rate. Of all people to hate the way they look, it's the skinny guys.

Writer and producer Stephen J. Cannell has died at age 69 from complications from Melanoma. This would have been really ironic if he was a gay porn star.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Food Porn"

The Senate passed a bill requiring TV stations to make the sound levels of commercials the same as the shows they interrupt. Okay, exactly what significance does this have?

The Census says that family and friends are moving in together more during the bad economy. Except for the Octomom, who recently put a sign on her front porch that said, "No vacancy".

Secretary of Defense Robert Gates says the military faces strains after a decade of war. Well, Mr. Gates, let's do something about that.

Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s negative ratings rival that of BP. "I don't want to be brought down to that level", said both of them.

House Minority Leader John Boehner says the House is “broken”, and that it is nearly impossible to cut spending. Doesn't that sound like something your wife would say when she's mad?

The CDC says that 9% of U.S. adults are depressed occasionally. The other 91% of adults haven't had kids yet.

The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?

A Los Angeles real estate broker was found after being lost in the desert for six days. Now he knows what it's like to be the average homeowner.

Gillette is introducing a razor that will sell for eleven cents a blade in India. The emo people of India are going ecstatic.

Ines Sainz, the reporter who complained about the treatment she received from the New York Jets players, has received an offer to appear nude in Playboy. That's like being called fat and getting a sponsorship deal with McDonald's.

A nutritionist ate a diet of steak and Twinkies for a month and claims to have lost 15 pounds. How fat do you have to be to eat nothing but steak and Twinkies, and then lose 15 pounds?

A nutrition group has described Olive Garden’s deep-fried Lasagna Fritta as “food porn.” To be fair, they are eating meat and spilling the sauce all over themselves.

The head of the Washington State Potato Commission will go on a potato only diet for 60 days. Whose crazy idea was this? I mean, a Potato Commission?

Wauwatso, Wisconsin, has decided to allow the opening of a men's salon and spa featuring scantily clad female employees. Isn't that called a brothel?

Tea Party candidate Christine O'Donnell says God is guiding her campaign. In that case, why is she being compared to Sarah Palin?

A German art student has developed a video game where players portray East German border guards shooting at people trying to climb the Berlin Wall. I'm sure the game is good, but it seems weird that the US border patrol can't get past level 2.

Opponents of a clown running for parliament in Brazil say he should be ineligible because he can't read and write. You know you're horrible in politics when people vote for a clown who can't read or write instead of you.

That's all for today! More tomorrow!