Joke of the Day: Thirteen yellow cards were handed out in the World Cup championship game between Spain and the Netherlands. Hey, they may not be great at soccer, but at least they'd be really good at Uno.
An Orange County, CA woman was sentenced to jail for texting threatening messages to herself. Now she has every right to be mad at herself.
Workers in Cleveland dismantled a ten story high mural of LeBron James after his announcement to go to Miami. That poster went down faster than Cleveland's playoff chances.
A study says that creativity among American children is declining. Now for this news story, I have decided not to write a punchline.
The Pentagon says a survey asking military people their feelings about homosexuals is not gay. I thought the policy was called, "Don't Ask, Don't Tell".
A British company has gotten the go ahead to sell gum in the U.S. that doesn't stick to pavement or shoes. Now does it stick to the bottom of picnic tables?
A vibrating car seat could give drivers an early warning of an impending accident. However, it may be hard to notice over the driver's vibrating cell phone.
Monday, July 12, 2010
Sunday, July 4, 2010
"A Computer Attack"
Joke of the Day: Britain’s oldest new dad became a father at age 79. He had the child with his 25 year old girlfriend, and claims he didn’t need Viagra. Or, as we call that in America, "Hugh Hefner".
Paris Hilton was arrested in South Africa for possession of Marijuana but was released and charges were dropped. That's weird; when it comes to Paris Hilton, possession, release, and dropping, it usually involves a sex tape.
Lindsay Lohan was reportedly punched in the face by a waitress while celebrating her 24th birthday. Police are calling this senseless, cruel, and, oh wait, that's Lindsay Lohan? She deserves it.
Factory jobs are reportedly returning but companies say that skilled workers are hard to find. Mostly because the kids want to enjoy summer break.
President Obama says the economy is headed in the right direction. But seriously, where else can you go when you've hit rock bottom?
70% of Texas schoolchildren failed the state physical education test. The other 30% were too lazy to get off the couch to actually take it.
Authorities in Austria are investigating the amputation of the wrong leg of a 91 year old woman. All they know right now is that they cut off the wrong leg and part of one of her breasts.
Gen. David Petraeus formally assumed command of the 130,000-strong international force in Afghanistan on Sunday, declaring "we are in this to win". Well, let's hope so.
U.S. officials have largely ruled out North Korea as the origin of a computer attack last July that took down U.S. and South Korean government websites. Mostly because nobody in North Korea knows what a computer is.
That's all for today! I'm leaving for camp very soon and I don't know if I'll be able to write. But anyway, more coming soon!
Paris Hilton was arrested in South Africa for possession of Marijuana but was released and charges were dropped. That's weird; when it comes to Paris Hilton, possession, release, and dropping, it usually involves a sex tape.
Lindsay Lohan was reportedly punched in the face by a waitress while celebrating her 24th birthday. Police are calling this senseless, cruel, and, oh wait, that's Lindsay Lohan? She deserves it.
Factory jobs are reportedly returning but companies say that skilled workers are hard to find. Mostly because the kids want to enjoy summer break.
President Obama says the economy is headed in the right direction. But seriously, where else can you go when you've hit rock bottom?
70% of Texas schoolchildren failed the state physical education test. The other 30% were too lazy to get off the couch to actually take it.
Authorities in Austria are investigating the amputation of the wrong leg of a 91 year old woman. All they know right now is that they cut off the wrong leg and part of one of her breasts.
Gen. David Petraeus formally assumed command of the 130,000-strong international force in Afghanistan on Sunday, declaring "we are in this to win". Well, let's hope so.
U.S. officials have largely ruled out North Korea as the origin of a computer attack last July that took down U.S. and South Korean government websites. Mostly because nobody in North Korea knows what a computer is.
That's all for today! I'm leaving for camp very soon and I don't know if I'll be able to write. But anyway, more coming soon!
Friday, July 2, 2010
"Not Always Bad"
Joke of the Day: Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadenijad said that he'll ban Coca-Cola from Iran. That's like playing the Los Angeles Lakers and double-teaming the waterboy.
Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.
A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.
July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.
Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.
President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.
Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".
The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.
UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?
The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Joran van der Sloot is reportedly looking for a $1 Million TV deal to tell his story. Unfortunately for Joran, it won't be easy to spend $1 Million in prison.
A study says that divorce is not always bad for kids. Unless your parents are Jon and Kate.
July is National Ice Cream Month. Which means that the 4th of July will be even more American.
Toyota says it has 270,000 vehicles with faulty engines. All their other cars have faulty accelerators and brakes.
President Obama is pushing for immigration reform citing that "the system is broken". The system? More like the fence.
Yesterday, LeBron James met with the New York Knicks, New Jersey Nets, and Los Angeles Clippers to discuss a possible signing. Yesterday was known as "Operation: We Need Help Now Play For Us".
The National Federation of the Blind and Virginia Tech plan to demonstrate a prototype vehicle next year equipped with technology that helps a blind person drive a car independently. Because if someone who is texting can drive with one hand on the wheel, I'm sure a blind person can drive with both hands on the wheel.
UFC fighter War Machine has been sentenced to a year in jail for violating probation after he assaulted people at two San Diego bars. What do you expect from a guy from the UFC?
The 2-year-old son of former NFL Philadelphia Eagles quarterback Randall Cunningham has died in an apparent backyard hot tub accident. Usually when a Philadelphia Eagles quarterback has a death in their backyard, it probably involved a dog.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Thursday, July 1, 2010
"A Lock Of Hair"
Joke of the Day: Police in Massillon, Ohio, arrested a man named Donald Duck on drunken driving charges and drug possession. Police suspected that Donald Duck wasn't his name when the drugs were hiding in his pants.
Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” Every chapter starts with, "So, yeah, this chick I banged last night...".
A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. The bad news: the person who collected the lock of hair came down with a hunchback.
Wonder Woman is being given a makeover where she no longer has to run around in lingerie. Like all of Tiger Woods's mistresses.
British Petroleum plans to get rid of an independent safety watchdog group it created four years ago. Of all people trying to get rid of something safety-related, it's BP.
Three new dog breeds have been recognized by the AKC: The Icelandic Sheepdog, The Cane Corso and Leonberger. I don't know about the first two, but doesn't a Leonberger dog sound like a combo meal at a Chinese McDonalds?
An Austrian University is looking for young girls who are afraid of spiders. The first person to arrive was Justin Bieber, and he brought his own bug spray.
“Huge”, a drama about a group of teens sent to a fat camp, marks an advance in fat acceptance on TV. What? Where did Oprah go wrong?
Statistics show that manufacturing is the sector of the economy that is growing at the fastest pace. In China.
That's all for today! Definitely more coming tomorrow!
Actor Rob Lowe is working on a memoir called “Stories I Only Tell My Friends.” Every chapter starts with, "So, yeah, this chick I banged last night...".
A lock of hair from the head of Napoleon Bonaparte sold at a recent auction for $13,100. The bad news: the person who collected the lock of hair came down with a hunchback.
Wonder Woman is being given a makeover where she no longer has to run around in lingerie. Like all of Tiger Woods's mistresses.
British Petroleum plans to get rid of an independent safety watchdog group it created four years ago. Of all people trying to get rid of something safety-related, it's BP.
Three new dog breeds have been recognized by the AKC: The Icelandic Sheepdog, The Cane Corso and Leonberger. I don't know about the first two, but doesn't a Leonberger dog sound like a combo meal at a Chinese McDonalds?
An Austrian University is looking for young girls who are afraid of spiders. The first person to arrive was Justin Bieber, and he brought his own bug spray.
“Huge”, a drama about a group of teens sent to a fat camp, marks an advance in fat acceptance on TV. What? Where did Oprah go wrong?
Statistics show that manufacturing is the sector of the economy that is growing at the fastest pace. In China.
That's all for today! Definitely more coming tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 30, 2010
Alex Schubert in the New York Times
http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/30/your-jokes-smoked-salmon-flavored-vodka/
The Joke
The F.D.A. says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as “airplanes.”
Other Great Jokes
Larry King is quitting his show after 25 years. He said he wanted to thank the source of his support for all those years: his suspenders. – Israel Carrasco, Anaheim, Calif.
“Toy Story 3” is tops at the box office. The movie is guaranteed to have you on the edge of your seat. The little kid behind you won’t stop kicking the chair. – Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.
The F.B.I. recently arrested alleged Russian deep-cover agents living and working in the United States. Despite their sophisticated schemes to appear as regular American citizens, authorities grew suspicious of the group after discovering they all had jobs. – Clint Thatcher, Denver
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit – smoked salmon-flavored vodka. Sounds like just the thing to get your date in the mood to spawn. – Paul Seaburn, Spring, Tex.
The Joke
The F.D.A. says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as “airplanes.”
Other Great Jokes
Larry King is quitting his show after 25 years. He said he wanted to thank the source of his support for all those years: his suspenders. – Israel Carrasco, Anaheim, Calif.
“Toy Story 3” is tops at the box office. The movie is guaranteed to have you on the edge of your seat. The little kid behind you won’t stop kicking the chair. – Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.
The F.B.I. recently arrested alleged Russian deep-cover agents living and working in the United States. Despite their sophisticated schemes to appear as regular American citizens, authorities grew suspicious of the group after discovering they all had jobs. – Clint Thatcher, Denver
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit – smoked salmon-flavored vodka. Sounds like just the thing to get your date in the mood to spawn. – Paul Seaburn, Spring, Tex.
"Trademark Suspenders"
Joke of the Day: Larry King is leaving CNN. He will always be remembered for his trademark suspenders and oversized round glasses. And also by his nickname, "Steve Urkel".
An Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. This is perfect for men who are too lazy to put on a condom.
Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. What do you expect from a guy named Dabone?
A man who uses medical marijuana for cancer says Walmart fired him after a positive testing for the drug. And also because he tested negative for lead.
General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street’s expectations. You know you suck when you aren't even good enough to satisfy Wall Street.
Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. Yeah, and that'll happen the day soccer refs allow a U.S. goal to actually count.
Men with facial hair are perceived by women to be more “wild” in the bedroom. Or, as I call them, "Sex offenders".
Kim Kardashian is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Isn't Kim Kardashian a wax figure in herself?
Beds that reportedly help cure insomnia are becoming available for $60,000. Or you could try a SleepNumber bed FREE for 90 Days! That's right, free for 90 days. And if you don't like it, send it back and we'll cover the cost of shipping!
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the financial reform bill is like killing an ant with a nuclear weapon. It's actually more like killing rats with a nuclear weapon.
A British oil broker was fined and banned from trading after he bought seven million barrels while on a drinking binge. This makes it much more likely that he worked for BP.
A flying car that can be flown like a plane and driven like a car has been given the go ahead by U.S. air authorities. And we thought those cartoon perspectives of the future were just ridiculous.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
An Israeli professor has created a new birth control pill for men. This is perfect for men who are too lazy to put on a condom.
Ex tennis prodigy Jennifer Capriati had an overdose after finding out her boyfriend, Dale Dabone was returning to making adult films. What do you expect from a guy named Dabone?
A man who uses medical marijuana for cancer says Walmart fired him after a positive testing for the drug. And also because he tested negative for lead.
General Mills says sales of cereals and other foods are down and that their earnings are below Wall Street’s expectations. You know you suck when you aren't even good enough to satisfy Wall Street.
Lingerie model Larissa Riquelme pledged to run naked through the streets if her native country Paraguay wins the World Cup. Yeah, and that'll happen the day soccer refs allow a U.S. goal to actually count.
Men with facial hair are perceived by women to be more “wild” in the bedroom. Or, as I call them, "Sex offenders".
Kim Kardashian is getting a wax figure at Madame Tussauds. Isn't Kim Kardashian a wax figure in herself?
Beds that reportedly help cure insomnia are becoming available for $60,000. Or you could try a SleepNumber bed FREE for 90 Days! That's right, free for 90 days. And if you don't like it, send it back and we'll cover the cost of shipping!
House Minority Leader John Boehner says the financial reform bill is like killing an ant with a nuclear weapon. It's actually more like killing rats with a nuclear weapon.
A British oil broker was fined and banned from trading after he bought seven million barrels while on a drinking binge. This makes it much more likely that he worked for BP.
A flying car that can be flown like a plane and driven like a car has been given the go ahead by U.S. air authorities. And we thought those cartoon perspectives of the future were just ridiculous.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 29, 2010
"Twilight-Themed Apps"
Joke of the Day: A study says that Americans with kids 18 and under are less likely to get exercise and more likely to be overweight. Just like their kids.
The US Air Force is thinking about retiring the B-1 Bomber fleet in an effort to save money. The cause of this Bomber fleet's retirement is that every time somebody mentions it, George Bush thinks he has BINGO. (Punchline inspired by a joke from Jerry Perisho from yesterday)
Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan began Monday. Unfortunately for Elena, the Senate has turned it into a beauty contest.
Apple says it sold 1.7 million units of its new iPhone 4 in just 3 days. Which is approximately the amount of time it took for Apple to announce a prototype of the iPhone 5.
The Apple iPhone has several new Twilight-themed apps. In a related story, the number of teenage girls with iPhones has skyrocketed.
I don't think it was a good idea for President Obama to fire General Stanley McChrystal for criticizing him. Why? Because now when McChrystal criticizes Obama, it's not against the rules.
The FDA is urging that less antibiotics be used in meat products. "Don't worry, we'll cut down", said Viagra.
Lance Armstrong says this will be his last Tour de France. Of course, it raises suspicion when you have Brett Favre as your speechwriter.
A study says that left handed pitchers are more prone to injury than other baseball players. Well, to be fair, Ken Griffey Jr. pitched in high school.*
President Obama says the U.S. can’t borrow and buy the world its way to prosperity. One thing's for sure: Oprah certainly disagrees.
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. It also goes by its other name: alcoholic ocean water.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
*A little side note: Ken Griffey Jr. went to high school in my hometown of Cincinnati at Moeller High School.
The US Air Force is thinking about retiring the B-1 Bomber fleet in an effort to save money. The cause of this Bomber fleet's retirement is that every time somebody mentions it, George Bush thinks he has BINGO. (Punchline inspired by a joke from Jerry Perisho from yesterday)
Senate Judiciary Committee hearings on Supreme Court nominee Elena Kagan began Monday. Unfortunately for Elena, the Senate has turned it into a beauty contest.
Apple says it sold 1.7 million units of its new iPhone 4 in just 3 days. Which is approximately the amount of time it took for Apple to announce a prototype of the iPhone 5.
The Apple iPhone has several new Twilight-themed apps. In a related story, the number of teenage girls with iPhones has skyrocketed.
I don't think it was a good idea for President Obama to fire General Stanley McChrystal for criticizing him. Why? Because now when McChrystal criticizes Obama, it's not against the rules.
The FDA is urging that less antibiotics be used in meat products. "Don't worry, we'll cut down", said Viagra.
Lance Armstrong says this will be his last Tour de France. Of course, it raises suspicion when you have Brett Favre as your speechwriter.
A study says that left handed pitchers are more prone to injury than other baseball players. Well, to be fair, Ken Griffey Jr. pitched in high school.*
President Obama says the U.S. can’t borrow and buy the world its way to prosperity. One thing's for sure: Oprah certainly disagrees.
The Alaska Distillery in Wasilla has unveiled its new spirit - Smoked Salmon Flavored Vodka. It also goes by its other name: alcoholic ocean water.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
*A little side note: Ken Griffey Jr. went to high school in my hometown of Cincinnati at Moeller High School.
Monday, June 28, 2010
The Top Ten Funniest Jokes Of June
NUMBER TEN
A dating site called "cupidtino" finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
NUMBER NINE
The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have fewer hits than a tennis racket with no strings.
NUMBER EIGHT
The White House Budget Director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there?
NUMBER SEVEN
A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.
NUMBER SIX
Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino has been awarded her high school diploma. Even her former high school classmates are going, "Who is she again?".
NUMBER FIVE
Tiger Woods played the last 15 holes in 7-under and reverted to his fist-pumping ways as he poured in putts from seemingly everywhere. No news story screams "That's what she said" louder than this one.
NUMBER FOUR
The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.
NUMBER THREE
Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!
NUMBER TWO
British Petroleum says it will start burning captured oil at sea. Their oil will be exactly like their reputation - up in smoke.
AND FINALLY, THE UNDISPUTED BEST JOKE FROM THE MONTH OF JUNE
June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.
A dating site called "cupidtino" finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
NUMBER NINE
The Situation has recorded his own rap song. It's guaranteed to have fewer hits than a tennis racket with no strings.
NUMBER EIGHT
The White House Budget Director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there?
NUMBER SEVEN
A study says that people get happier with age. Which explains Larry King's "Happiest Person on Earth" award.
NUMBER SIX
Former “American Idol” winner Fantasia Barrino has been awarded her high school diploma. Even her former high school classmates are going, "Who is she again?".
NUMBER FIVE
Tiger Woods played the last 15 holes in 7-under and reverted to his fist-pumping ways as he poured in putts from seemingly everywhere. No news story screams "That's what she said" louder than this one.
NUMBER FOUR
The CEO of British Petroleum says "We will be here for a very long time." Little did most Americans know he was talking about the break room.
NUMBER THREE
Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!
NUMBER TWO
British Petroleum says it will start burning captured oil at sea. Their oil will be exactly like their reputation - up in smoke.
AND FINALLY, THE UNDISPUTED BEST JOKE FROM THE MONTH OF JUNE
June 3rd was National Repeat Day. In other news, June 3rd was National Repeat Day.
Alex Schubert in the Laughlines Blog
38th time!
The joke:
The White House budget director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he’s still there?
Other jokes from my fellow writers:
A Harry Potter theme park has opened near Orlando. The magic is just incredible. In a matter of seconds, the guy at the ticket window can make your money disappear. – Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.
It turns out Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson are friends, and they may perform in a joint concert. And by joint, I mean together. — Israel Carrasco, Anaheim, Calif.
The joke:
The White House budget director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he’s still there?
Other jokes from my fellow writers:
A Harry Potter theme park has opened near Orlando. The magic is just incredible. In a matter of seconds, the guy at the ticket window can make your money disappear. – Alan Ray, Stockton, Calif.
It turns out Snoop Dogg and Willie Nelson are friends, and they may perform in a joint concert. And by joint, I mean together. — Israel Carrasco, Anaheim, Calif.
"Unsanitary Conditions"
Joke of the Day: FIFA admits its new soccer ball may be bad. In fact, it's so bad that the only thing worse than the soccer balls are the referees.
A tropical storm named Alex is moving into the Gulf of Mexico, which may cause hundreds of people to evacuate. People haven't ran from Alex since the last time I did stand-up.
Martin Ginsburg, husband of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has died at the age of 78. His death was caused by metastatic cancer, old age, and staring at Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Michael Jackson has sold an estimated 35 million albums worldwide since his death one year ago. None of which are photo albums.
BP station owners say that they’re victims of the oil spill. Mainly because they aren't down in the Gulf of Mexico helping out.
The U.S. has unveiled a plan that will make Internet transactions safer. It's called, "Shutting down Craigslist".
The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".
President Obama is so mad about what General McChrystal said about him that he has also fired Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson, George Lopez...
FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND ISRAEL CARRASCO
A UK woman is claiming to be carrying Landon Donovan's "love child". This proves once again that even when he scores, he still loses.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
A tropical storm named Alex is moving into the Gulf of Mexico, which may cause hundreds of people to evacuate. People haven't ran from Alex since the last time I did stand-up.
Martin Ginsburg, husband of Supreme Court justice Ruth Bader Ginsburg, has died at the age of 78. His death was caused by metastatic cancer, old age, and staring at Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
Michael Jackson has sold an estimated 35 million albums worldwide since his death one year ago. None of which are photo albums.
BP station owners say that they’re victims of the oil spill. Mainly because they aren't down in the Gulf of Mexico helping out.
The U.S. has unveiled a plan that will make Internet transactions safer. It's called, "Shutting down Craigslist".
The FDA says that airline food is often prepared in unsafe and unsanitary conditions. Otherwise known as "airplanes".
President Obama is so mad about what General McChrystal said about him that he has also fired Jay Leno, David Letterman, Jimmy Fallon, Jimmy Kimmel, Craig Ferguson, George Lopez...
FINALLY FROM COMEDY WRITER FRIEND ISRAEL CARRASCO
A UK woman is claiming to be carrying Landon Donovan's "love child". This proves once again that even when he scores, he still loses.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Saturday, June 26, 2010
"Six Decades Of Hostility"
Joke of the Day: MC Hammer performed at the Cincinnati Reds - Cleveland Indians baseball game. He performed "Can't Touch This" in honor of the Indians fielders.
Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.
North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.
A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.
The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.
A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.
A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Police in Oklahoma tasered an 86 year old woman after they said she took an aggressive posture in bed. Come on, an 86 year old woman is less threatening than the French Army.
North Korea is asking the U.S. for $65 Trillion in compensation for what they say has been six decades of hostility. And the U.S. is asking for $13 Trillion to get the U.S. out of debt.
A survey says more U.S. women are choosing to not have children. Considering what it did to Kate Gosselin and the Octomom, those women are fairly smart.
The British government is moving to save money on the national pension which could force people to work into their 70s. I sincerely hope this group of British people who work into their 70s includes Tony Hayward.
A study says that women are more attracted to men who play songs with romantic lyrics. Which means that Justin Bieber will have to wait another 15 years for women to be attracted to him.
A study says that couples fight over perceived threats and neglect. The entire study was conducted while scientists watched Jon and Kate Plus 8.
A study says that teens who have lax parents are more likely to drink heavily than those with strict and supportive parents. The study was conducted at the University of DUHlaware.
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Friday, June 25, 2010
"A Sign Of Sexual Desire"
Joke of the Day: Police said a 30-year-old woman apparently fell out of a third-story window, landed on her parked car, and then walked into a neighbor's house, where she fell asleep on a couch for two hours. Most people call that "Being drunk".
American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahut in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. In fact, it made the Gulf oil spill seem like a snap of the finger.
A survey says 19% of high schools across the country will make cutbacks in their school libraries. Who knew high school libraries even meant anything anymore?
A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. Gosh, dogs are coming up with more intelligent ways to deal with mailmen, aren't they?
According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. Of course, the other thing that yawning could signify during sex is that somebody is really bored.
A former priest and anger-management counselor who pulled a gun in a traffic dispute on two men has been sentenced to a year in prison. Police are calling this case, "Seriously ironic".
A Spokane couple has reached its goal of collecting enough recyclable aluminum cans to pay for their wedding. To which every redneck in America said, "Why didn't I think of that?".
That's all for today! More coming soon!
American John Isner beat Frenchman Nicolas Mahut in the longest Wimbledon match ever, lasting more than eleven hours. In fact, it made the Gulf oil spill seem like a snap of the finger.
A survey says 19% of high schools across the country will make cutbacks in their school libraries. Who knew high school libraries even meant anything anymore?
A man in Florida was run over by the pickup truck he was working on when his dog jumped into the front seat and put it in reverse. Gosh, dogs are coming up with more intelligent ways to deal with mailmen, aren't they?
According to a study presented at the first International Conference on Yawning in Paris, yawning may be a sign of sexual desire. Of course, the other thing that yawning could signify during sex is that somebody is really bored.
A former priest and anger-management counselor who pulled a gun in a traffic dispute on two men has been sentenced to a year in prison. Police are calling this case, "Seriously ironic".
A Spokane couple has reached its goal of collecting enough recyclable aluminum cans to pay for their wedding. To which every redneck in America said, "Why didn't I think of that?".
That's all for today! More coming soon!
Thursday, June 24, 2010
"Dead Last In Health Care"
Joke of the Day: People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals has offered to rebuild a lightning-struck 62-foot-tall Jesus statue in Ohio as long as it carries a message about vegetarianism. Isn't it weird how an advertisement on vegetarianism would be displayed on a man who fed fish to five thousand people?
The Society for Invertebrate Conservation wants the bumblebee in southern Oregon added to the endangered species list. For once, I'd be glad to see an animal on the endangered species list.
A poll says 62% of Americans say the country is headed in the wrong direction. The other 38% of Americans don't follow the news.
Health officials are advising against swimming in the water off Pensacola, Florida because of the Gulf oil spill. They also advised against putting a key in a light socket.
A report says the U.S. is dead last in health care, spending more while getting less. They got this idea from going to a major league baseball game.
A man who apparently passed out drunk on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico before being rescued by the Coast Guard. Ironically, the last people to hear about this story: BP.
Post office officials in Germany have reduced dog attacks on mailmen by using animal psychologists to help them think like dogs. Strangely enough, now all they do is bite themselves.
The Naked Cowboy, who performs in a cowboy hat and briefs on Times Square in New York, is suing a woman who calls herself the Naked Cowgirl and performs in a bikini. The judge has ruled that neither one of them are actually naked.
A South Carolina town is considering a law that would make it illegal to sing, yell, shout, whistle, hoot or holler on public streets if it is annoying nearby people. Or, as I call them, vuvuzelas.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The Society for Invertebrate Conservation wants the bumblebee in southern Oregon added to the endangered species list. For once, I'd be glad to see an animal on the endangered species list.
A poll says 62% of Americans say the country is headed in the wrong direction. The other 38% of Americans don't follow the news.
Health officials are advising against swimming in the water off Pensacola, Florida because of the Gulf oil spill. They also advised against putting a key in a light socket.
A report says the U.S. is dead last in health care, spending more while getting less. They got this idea from going to a major league baseball game.
A man who apparently passed out drunk on a pool float at a Tampa area beach ended up drifting about a mile into the Gulf of Mexico before being rescued by the Coast Guard. Ironically, the last people to hear about this story: BP.
Post office officials in Germany have reduced dog attacks on mailmen by using animal psychologists to help them think like dogs. Strangely enough, now all they do is bite themselves.
The Naked Cowboy, who performs in a cowboy hat and briefs on Times Square in New York, is suing a woman who calls herself the Naked Cowgirl and performs in a bikini. The judge has ruled that neither one of them are actually naked.
A South Carolina town is considering a law that would make it illegal to sing, yell, shout, whistle, hoot or holler on public streets if it is annoying nearby people. Or, as I call them, vuvuzelas.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Wednesday, June 23, 2010
"Escaping On A Bulldozer"
Joke of the Day: The White House Budget Director will be leaving his job next month. Wait, he's still there?
A study says that three out of ten teens chat with strangers online. The other seven teens actually have friends.
Despite the recession, the world's wealthiest people have gotten richer. That ought to cheer up some blue collar workers.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation without briefing the Lt. Governor of his whereabouts. Hey Mark, let me ask you, is this going to be a regular thing?
Joran Van Der Sloot is reportedly getting letters in prison from women who want to marry him. These women are called "suicidal".
In Berlin, a German student who flipped off a group of Hell’s Angels tried to get away by throwing a puppy at them and then escaping on a bulldozer. Or, as we call that in America, "Michael Vick".
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
A study says that three out of ten teens chat with strangers online. The other seven teens actually have friends.
Despite the recession, the world's wealthiest people have gotten richer. That ought to cheer up some blue collar workers.
South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford went on vacation without briefing the Lt. Governor of his whereabouts. Hey Mark, let me ask you, is this going to be a regular thing?
Joran Van Der Sloot is reportedly getting letters in prison from women who want to marry him. These women are called "suicidal".
In Berlin, a German student who flipped off a group of Hell’s Angels tried to get away by throwing a puppy at them and then escaping on a bulldozer. Or, as we call that in America, "Michael Vick".
That's all for today! More coming tomorrow!
Tuesday, June 22, 2010
"The Most Important Job"
Joke of the Day: A study says that Botox may temporarily paralyze a person’s emotions. It also paralyzes their facial expression.
Scientists say that it is the very small creatures who will take the brunt of the Gulf oil spill. I thought BP said they cared about the small people.
President Obama says that being a good father is “the most important job”. Considering all the crap that's going on in our country, I think that being President should be "the most important job".
British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says the Gulf oil spill could last another two to four years. When you spend a weekend watching your yacht race in Europe, that's not out of the realm of possibility.
A study says that chimpanzees in the wild will kill other chimps for land. Or, as humans call it, real estate.
A 56 year old Tennessee man has won the AARP Spelling Bee. He won by correctly spelling all the conditions he suffers from.
Vuvuzela inventor Neil Van Schalkwyk is cashing in at the World Cup. Mainly because everywhere else, he's getting death threats.
A poll says that Michael Vick is still the most hated man in sports. This poll was taken entirely by dogs.
A proposed new tax could raise the price of cigarettes in New York up to $10 a pack. The bill is called, "We only want the Yankees to smoke".
That's all for now, everybody! More later!
Scientists say that it is the very small creatures who will take the brunt of the Gulf oil spill. I thought BP said they cared about the small people.
President Obama says that being a good father is “the most important job”. Considering all the crap that's going on in our country, I think that being President should be "the most important job".
British Petroleum CEO Tony Hayward says the Gulf oil spill could last another two to four years. When you spend a weekend watching your yacht race in Europe, that's not out of the realm of possibility.
A study says that chimpanzees in the wild will kill other chimps for land. Or, as humans call it, real estate.
A 56 year old Tennessee man has won the AARP Spelling Bee. He won by correctly spelling all the conditions he suffers from.
Vuvuzela inventor Neil Van Schalkwyk is cashing in at the World Cup. Mainly because everywhere else, he's getting death threats.
A poll says that Michael Vick is still the most hated man in sports. This poll was taken entirely by dogs.
A proposed new tax could raise the price of cigarettes in New York up to $10 a pack. The bill is called, "We only want the Yankees to smoke".
That's all for now, everybody! More later!
Monday, June 21, 2010
"Imported Australian Honeybees"
Joke of the Day: Tiger Woods played the last 15 holes in 7-under and reverted to his fist-pumping ways as he poured in putts from seemingly everywhere. No news story screams "That's what she said" louder than this one.
British Petroleum handed the job of repairing its image off to an American in hopes that US citizens will be able to better relate. They won't do anything, and when they do, they are unsuccessful. They couldn't relate to Americans any better.
Scientists believe imported Australian honeybees may be responsible to the declining numbers of bees in this country. Isn't it a little redundant when bringing more bees in the country actually brings their population down?
In New York, a door-to-door vacuum salesman was charged with damaging a homeowner’s $1,300 bed mattress. The salesman will be sued for the price of the mattress, also known as his life savings.
In northeastern Pennsylvania, rattlesnake rustlers are rounding up snakes for a big annual carnival. It's no big deal. It's nothing but a bunch of insurance companies with booths.
Actress Angelina Jolie has quietly returned to Haiti for meetings with Haitian and U.N. officials. Haitians were skeptical until they saw Jolie with a large stack of adoption papers.
A wildfire in Arizona forced hundreds to evacuate. In response, Arizona said, "Wait, by hundreds, please tell me you mean hundreds of Mexicans.".
That's all for right now! More later!
British Petroleum handed the job of repairing its image off to an American in hopes that US citizens will be able to better relate. They won't do anything, and when they do, they are unsuccessful. They couldn't relate to Americans any better.
Scientists believe imported Australian honeybees may be responsible to the declining numbers of bees in this country. Isn't it a little redundant when bringing more bees in the country actually brings their population down?
In New York, a door-to-door vacuum salesman was charged with damaging a homeowner’s $1,300 bed mattress. The salesman will be sued for the price of the mattress, also known as his life savings.
In northeastern Pennsylvania, rattlesnake rustlers are rounding up snakes for a big annual carnival. It's no big deal. It's nothing but a bunch of insurance companies with booths.
Actress Angelina Jolie has quietly returned to Haiti for meetings with Haitian and U.N. officials. Haitians were skeptical until they saw Jolie with a large stack of adoption papers.
A wildfire in Arizona forced hundreds to evacuate. In response, Arizona said, "Wait, by hundreds, please tell me you mean hundreds of Mexicans.".
That's all for right now! More later!
Sunday, June 20, 2010
Alex Schubert in the NYT Laughlines Blog - 37
http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/2010/06/20/your-jokes-impersonating-a-congressman/
The Joke:
Campbell’s is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with undercooked meatballs. Uh-oh!
Other Great Jokes:
Tony Hayward’s disingenuousness was so complete he was in danger of being charged with impersonating a Congressman. – Will Durst, San Francisco
BP’s chairman said its C.E.O., Tony Hayward, is being relieved of the day-to-day responsibilities of managing the gulf oil spill. Mr. Hayward will instead become England’s new goalkeeper. – Israel Carrasco, Anaheim, Calif.
A study says that only 13 percent of the meals in American homes are prepared by men. And even then they’re usually served by the Burger King, Ronald McDonald or the Colonel. – Jim Barach, Charleston, W. Va.
The Joke:
Campbell’s is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with undercooked meatballs. Uh-oh!
Other Great Jokes:
Tony Hayward’s disingenuousness was so complete he was in danger of being charged with impersonating a Congressman. – Will Durst, San Francisco
BP’s chairman said its C.E.O., Tony Hayward, is being relieved of the day-to-day responsibilities of managing the gulf oil spill. Mr. Hayward will instead become England’s new goalkeeper. – Israel Carrasco, Anaheim, Calif.
A study says that only 13 percent of the meals in American homes are prepared by men. And even then they’re usually served by the Burger King, Ronald McDonald or the Colonel. – Jim Barach, Charleston, W. Va.
Saturday, June 19, 2010
"Six Cups Of Tea"
Joke of the Day: Former NBA star Manute Bol, who was 7 feet and 7 inches tall, has died at the age of 47. His casket came with a note that read, "Good Luck".
BP CEO Tony Hayward is being relieved of the day to day responsibilities of managing the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. How does that make things different from before?
A 27 year old woman drinking a beer in a Maryland bar was mistaken for Justin Bieber. Apparently the other people in the bar had way to much to drink.
A study says that six cups of tea and two to four cups of coffee a day can be good for your heart. This is also called, "The average daily drink consumption of a senior citizen".
A study says that smoking marijuana can worsen a person’s schizophrenia. Trust me, I know that. No, I don't. Yes I do. There's no way. Wait, what?
Apple says iPhone sales could top the 100 Million mark by 2011. Little did most Americans know he was talking about the iPhone 8.
Many stock experts still believe that British Petroleum is still a good investment. Yeah, if you want to become completely broke.
The Obama Administration is setting up a “do not pay” list to keep shady contractors from getting paid when they haven’t earned it. In a related story, players for the New York Mets have filed for bankruptcy.
Jesse James has reportedly moved to Texas to be closer to Sandra Bullock. He wants to be closer to Sandra Bullock? That's a first.
A Kentucky man credits a state revenue employee with saving his life when he had a heart attack during a phone call about his income tax bill. Apparently the cause of the heart attack was his discovery about how much he owed.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
BP CEO Tony Hayward is being relieved of the day to day responsibilities of managing the Gulf of Mexico oil spill. How does that make things different from before?
A 27 year old woman drinking a beer in a Maryland bar was mistaken for Justin Bieber. Apparently the other people in the bar had way to much to drink.
A study says that six cups of tea and two to four cups of coffee a day can be good for your heart. This is also called, "The average daily drink consumption of a senior citizen".
A study says that smoking marijuana can worsen a person’s schizophrenia. Trust me, I know that. No, I don't. Yes I do. There's no way. Wait, what?
Apple says iPhone sales could top the 100 Million mark by 2011. Little did most Americans know he was talking about the iPhone 8.
Many stock experts still believe that British Petroleum is still a good investment. Yeah, if you want to become completely broke.
The Obama Administration is setting up a “do not pay” list to keep shady contractors from getting paid when they haven’t earned it. In a related story, players for the New York Mets have filed for bankruptcy.
Jesse James has reportedly moved to Texas to be closer to Sandra Bullock. He wants to be closer to Sandra Bullock? That's a first.
A Kentucky man credits a state revenue employee with saving his life when he had a heart attack during a phone call about his income tax bill. Apparently the cause of the heart attack was his discovery about how much he owed.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
Friday, June 18, 2010
"2 Billion Gallons"
Joke of the Day: Estonia recently held its first ever mosquito-catching contest. The winner received a year's supply of band-aids and ointment.
BP CEO Tony Hayward told Congress that as much as 2 billion gallons of oil have gushed into the Gulf of Mexico. Um, yeah, about that "progress" that you have been making...
The NCAA placed the University of San Francisco on 2-year probation over improper scholarship money for athletes. That's quite odd. Who knew anybody was paying attention to the University of San Francisco?
A Southern Illinois singer has hit the lowest note ever recorded. Even BP was going, "Man, how can he get so low?".
Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!
Officials in Arkansas are investigating a shipment of 40 to 60 human heads found by Southwest Airlines employees at a cargo facility last week in Little Rock. They were cut off after Southwest discovered that they had head rests.
A man has been arrested for allegedly kidnapping actor Jeremy London and forcing him to use drugs, police said Thursday. That must explain his acting.
ConAgra Foods is recalling all Marie Callender's brand cheesy chicken and rice frozen meals after they have been possibly linked to a salmonella outbreak in 14 states. And because they taste like crap in all 50 states.
A new study says that World Cup matches improve your mental health. Unless you are a goalie for England.
A study says that air pollution is being linked to sleep breathing problems. In related news, everybody in New Jersey has been given an oxygen mask.
A study says that only 13% of the meals in U.S. homes are prepared by men. The other 87% of meals were not cooked in a microwave.
AOL is selling its social networking site Bebo. The opening bid for the site is 99 cents.
Toyota announced it will resume construction of a factory in Mississippi that was halted because of the recession. It's the first time that "Toyota" and "halted" have been used in the same sentence.
That's all for right now! More coming later!
BP CEO Tony Hayward told Congress that as much as 2 billion gallons of oil have gushed into the Gulf of Mexico. Um, yeah, about that "progress" that you have been making...
The NCAA placed the University of San Francisco on 2-year probation over improper scholarship money for athletes. That's quite odd. Who knew anybody was paying attention to the University of San Francisco?
A Southern Illinois singer has hit the lowest note ever recorded. Even BP was going, "Man, how can he get so low?".
Campbell Soup Co. is recalling 15 million pounds of Spaghetti O's with meatballs after a cooker malfunctioned at one of the company's plants in Texas and left the meat undercooked. Uh oh!
Officials in Arkansas are investigating a shipment of 40 to 60 human heads found by Southwest Airlines employees at a cargo facility last week in Little Rock. They were cut off after Southwest discovered that they had head rests.
A man has been arrested for allegedly kidnapping actor Jeremy London and forcing him to use drugs, police said Thursday. That must explain his acting.
ConAgra Foods is recalling all Marie Callender's brand cheesy chicken and rice frozen meals after they have been possibly linked to a salmonella outbreak in 14 states. And because they taste like crap in all 50 states.
A new study says that World Cup matches improve your mental health. Unless you are a goalie for England.
A study says that air pollution is being linked to sleep breathing problems. In related news, everybody in New Jersey has been given an oxygen mask.
A study says that only 13% of the meals in U.S. homes are prepared by men. The other 87% of meals were not cooked in a microwave.
AOL is selling its social networking site Bebo. The opening bid for the site is 99 cents.
Toyota announced it will resume construction of a factory in Mississippi that was halted because of the recession. It's the first time that "Toyota" and "halted" have been used in the same sentence.
That's all for right now! More coming later!
Thursday, June 17, 2010
"Awarded To Kansas City"
Joke of the Day: Tennessee Titans running back Chris Johnson says he can't play for $550,000 a year. I mean come on, the guy's gotta eat.
The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?
The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?
The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.
A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".
U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.
Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.
Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.
Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.
Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
The chairman of the BP oil company said his company “cares about the small people”. The question is: do they care about the small animals in the Gulf?
The Walt Disney Company adopted a new policy allowing employees to have bare legs when wearing skirts, instead of the previously required panty hose. Who knew Disney used to be Amish?
The 2012 MLB All-Star Game has been awarded to Kansas City. Of course, this will be the first game at Kauffman Stadium without a single Kansas City Royals baseball player.
A rising number of Americans say they work out at least an hour a day. These are people I like to call, "Liars".
U.S. college enrollment is at its highest in forty years. The number of students going to class, now that's a different story.
Experts are arguing that the Utah death sentence by firing squad is more humane than other methods. For instance, an inhumane method that has been outlawed is death by Lady Gaga music.
Dating site cupidtino finds romance between people who have Mac computers. And on their first date, they will both brag about how great their computers are.
Oprah Winfrey gave her staff at O Magazine each a $10,000 bonus and an iPad. They found them under their spinning chairs.
Jamie Moyer became the oldest pitcher to ever beat the Yankees. Of course, it helps that half the people on the Yankees are twice his age.
Christina Aguilera sang the national anthem before game seven of the NBA Finals. And when she was finished, six Celtics players ran up and gave her child support checks.
That's all for today! More tomorrow!
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