"Exclusive To Porsche Owners"

An investigation has begun at one of Britain's most prestigious private schools after a member of staff was arrested on suspicion of trying to poison the pupils' soup. This poisonous substance is harmful in food yet unknown to Britain. It's called toothpaste.

Porsche's subsidiary, Porsche Design, is marketing a mobile phone that's exclusive to Porsche owners. A car company making a mobile phone? That's like an airline company making bombs.

The nation's largest association of doctors and the AARP senior citizens' lobby are endorsing President Barack Obama's revised health overhaul legislation. This marks the first time in history that John McCain has ever supported President Obama.

Kraft Foods Inc. said Wednesday that it will cut the salt in its products that are sold in North America by an average of 10 percent over the next two years to appeal to health-conscious consumers. This will affect as many as four people.

The 13th seeded Murray State Racers upset the 4th seeded Vanderbilt Commodores, 66-65. Someone should tell Vanderbilt that only one group of Commodores plays "Brick House".

A former porn actress says she may reveal more potentially embarrassing information about Tiger Woods after releasing sexually graphic text messages that she claims prove her affair with the golfer. This would have been put in Tiger's sexual resume, but there's no room.

Jesse James publicly apologized to wife Sandra Bullock and his three children Thursday amid reports of infidelity. In a related story, Tiger Woods has sued Jesse James for plagiarism.

President Barack Obama followed through on his hockey bet with Canada, sending beer to the prime minister. I thought he would have invited the prime minister and Sidney Crosby to the White House to drink it.

The GOP says that President Obama’s health care proposal gives the IRS too much power. Because after all, nothing goes hand in hand like health care and foreclosed houses and cars.

That's it for now. More tomorrow!