The voice of Tony the Tiger has died at 64. He had esophageal cancer, which was apparently severe enough to send him to his grrrrrrave.
Rob Schneider says America is heading towards fascism. Even worse, America is also heading towards another Rob Schneider movie.
Clippers owner Donald Sterling was banned from the NBA for life. He was punished by having to spend the rest of his life at home with his 2 billion dollars.
An analyst says the world could have its first trillionaire soon. That trillionaire is me; I'm close to 1 trillion rejections by cute girls.
Donald Trump wants to buy the Buffalo Bills. Yep, the New York fixture known for disappointing its fans wants to buy the Buffalo Bills.
Kim Kardashian got ten Burger King restaurants as a gift from Kanye West. Yep, the building full of expensive meat got ten Burger Kings as a gift from Kanye West.
That's all I have for right now! Sorry about my lack of topical jokes right now. I know I've had two months to write these, but. I've just been on a bit writing spree. Whether those bits work out is totally my call; I really need to work on them. I'm doing my best to write topical jokes. Anyway, I'm coming up on five years in comedy (a little over two of them have been behind the mic), and I plan to write a review as to my experiences and what I've learned. Anyway, more coming later!
Tuesday, May 20, 2014
Sunday, March 23, 2014
"Running Into His House"
George Zimmerman signed autographs at an Orlando gun show. On the bright side, now we know who would go out of their way for his autograph.
TV pitchman Kevin Trudeau was sentenced to ten years in prison. It was originally seven years, but the judge said "But wait, there's more!"
A study says chimpanzees are better video gamers than kindergartners. Yep, the messy unhygenic monkeys who eat hair were outgamed by chimpanzees.
A new app maps a person’s enemies so they never run into them in public. It received high accolades from the Cute Girls Who Know Alex Schubert Association of America.
A new study says 11% of Americans think HTML is an STD. Question: if it was in fact an STD, would it cause pain in your HTTPenis?
A Texas man was killed after running into his house to save his cellphone. He'd still be alive if he just used the door instead.
Former SNL actor Chris Kattan was arrested for DUI. His dashcam footage was the first time he's been on camera in seven years.
Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps has died at 84. The Westboro Baptist Church will save a ton of money on graveyard plots when they realize that Fred Phelps can be buried in his own shame.
That's all I have for right now. Well, one of these jokes brought about one of my crazier Twitter experiences, and I feel that I need to explain myself. I tweeted the joke about the man in Texas who was killed after running into his house to save his cell phone, and a while later, I found myself being absolutely berated by my fellow comics (and the manager of my home club) because nobody got the joke. I'm going to break one of the Ten Commandments of comedy and explain that joke. You see, "running into his house" has a double meaning. Most people see "running into his house" as "oh, he went into his house to get something". Instead, when I thought of the punchline, I thought of the other meaning. It's like he ran into a brick wall, and running into a brick wall would kill him. And when I thought of the "he should have used the door instead" punchline, I started laughing (in public) because it was such a stupid thought, and I'm a sucker for a dumb joke. While I may go down in history as the only person who has ever laughed at that joke, I learned one comedy truth that day: the very first step in becoming a great comedian is making yourself laugh. I really don't give a shit if nobody else liked it.
If you want to see the Twitter ass-whooping I took that day, here's the link: https://twitter.com/GroperCleveland/status/439471280035999744
Anyway, sorry for the dragged on explanation of that crazy situation. I'll have more jokes to come soon!
TV pitchman Kevin Trudeau was sentenced to ten years in prison. It was originally seven years, but the judge said "But wait, there's more!"
A study says chimpanzees are better video gamers than kindergartners. Yep, the messy unhygenic monkeys who eat hair were outgamed by chimpanzees.
A new app maps a person’s enemies so they never run into them in public. It received high accolades from the Cute Girls Who Know Alex Schubert Association of America.
A new study says 11% of Americans think HTML is an STD. Question: if it was in fact an STD, would it cause pain in your HTTPenis?
A Texas man was killed after running into his house to save his cellphone. He'd still be alive if he just used the door instead.
Former SNL actor Chris Kattan was arrested for DUI. His dashcam footage was the first time he's been on camera in seven years.
Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps has died at 84. The Westboro Baptist Church will save a ton of money on graveyard plots when they realize that Fred Phelps can be buried in his own shame.
That's all I have for right now. Well, one of these jokes brought about one of my crazier Twitter experiences, and I feel that I need to explain myself. I tweeted the joke about the man in Texas who was killed after running into his house to save his cell phone, and a while later, I found myself being absolutely berated by my fellow comics (and the manager of my home club) because nobody got the joke. I'm going to break one of the Ten Commandments of comedy and explain that joke. You see, "running into his house" has a double meaning. Most people see "running into his house" as "oh, he went into his house to get something". Instead, when I thought of the punchline, I thought of the other meaning. It's like he ran into a brick wall, and running into a brick wall would kill him. And when I thought of the "he should have used the door instead" punchline, I started laughing (in public) because it was such a stupid thought, and I'm a sucker for a dumb joke. While I may go down in history as the only person who has ever laughed at that joke, I learned one comedy truth that day: the very first step in becoming a great comedian is making yourself laugh. I really don't give a shit if nobody else liked it.
If you want to see the Twitter ass-whooping I took that day, here's the link: https://twitter.com/GroperCleveland/status/439471280035999744
Anyway, sorry for the dragged on explanation of that crazy situation. I'll have more jokes to come soon!
Wednesday, January 29, 2014
"Signs Of Being In Love"
Justin Bieber spent $75k at a Miami strip club in one night. Really? All that in one night? Wow, those guys must have been really good.
A speechwriter for President Bush said President Obama plagiarized the SOTU address. It showed when Obama talked about his knowledge of shapes.
Cincinnati was named the least happy place to work in by Forbes. This is mainly because at two of those places, people have to work with me.
An 8th grade blind kid in Vermont made a shot in a basketball game. After the game, he beat Dwight Howard in a free throw shooting contest.
A new bra opens only when a woman’s body shows signs of being in love. If that bra could hold cases of things, a woman in my presence could be trusted with the Mona Lisa.
A man in Florida was arrested for attacking his wife with a banana. As to why he used a banana, the man said, "I was out of turtle shells."
A study says that bad memories can be erased by electroconvulsive therapy. When I read that I was shocked, then for some reason I forgot about the study.
George Zimmerman is now on Twitter. I follow his account, but I'm following it from 20 feet behind because it's wearing a hoodie and I'm suspicious.
A Utah polygamist with five wives and 24 children is getting a reality show on TLC. I'm just surprised he can tell them apart.
\A four year old boy in England has an IQ of 160. In fact, he's currently working with top scientists to develop a cure for cooties.
A school in Texas has banned red and green from its winter party. They should also ban white people because as far as I know, Santa is white.
That's all I have for right now. Well damn, I had my surgery, and I'm basically fully recovered. I feel fantastic (and yes, that's your cue to stop asking how my GOT DAMN JAW IS). Now, if only there was a surgery that could make my jokes funnier because damn I need help. Anyway, more to come soon!
A speechwriter for President Bush said President Obama plagiarized the SOTU address. It showed when Obama talked about his knowledge of shapes.
Cincinnati was named the least happy place to work in by Forbes. This is mainly because at two of those places, people have to work with me.
An 8th grade blind kid in Vermont made a shot in a basketball game. After the game, he beat Dwight Howard in a free throw shooting contest.
A new bra opens only when a woman’s body shows signs of being in love. If that bra could hold cases of things, a woman in my presence could be trusted with the Mona Lisa.
A man in Florida was arrested for attacking his wife with a banana. As to why he used a banana, the man said, "I was out of turtle shells."
A study says that bad memories can be erased by electroconvulsive therapy. When I read that I was shocked, then for some reason I forgot about the study.
George Zimmerman is now on Twitter. I follow his account, but I'm following it from 20 feet behind because it's wearing a hoodie and I'm suspicious.
A Utah polygamist with five wives and 24 children is getting a reality show on TLC. I'm just surprised he can tell them apart.
\A four year old boy in England has an IQ of 160. In fact, he's currently working with top scientists to develop a cure for cooties.
A school in Texas has banned red and green from its winter party. They should also ban white people because as far as I know, Santa is white.
That's all I have for right now. Well damn, I had my surgery, and I'm basically fully recovered. I feel fantastic (and yes, that's your cue to stop asking how my GOT DAMN JAW IS). Now, if only there was a surgery that could make my jokes funnier because damn I need help. Anyway, more to come soon!
Friday, December 6, 2013
"Lost Profits"
A study says that a high body mass is linked to hearing loss in women. Now I know why Oprah always shouts; she just couldn't hear herself talk.
David Beckham says he was subjected to humiliating sex acts as a teen athlete. It got so bad that he was once forced to have sex with a woman.
A Dallas Cowboys fan was beaten unconscious by four Raiders fans. The fans were arrested, prosecuted, and signed by the Raiders.
Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins has been arrested on child sex charges. Because of this scandal, Lostprophets will experience some lost profits.
President Obama gave Oprah Winfrey the Presidential Medal of Freedom today. Hey, I'm just impressed that he could find her neck.
People are criticizing 300 lb NJ Gov. Chris Christie for being too moderate. Really? Do you think that guy knows anything about moderation?
Ann Coulter said that Chris Christie's IQ is 8x higher than John McCain's. And Coulter's testosterone is 8x higher than both of theirs combined.
A Tennessee woman reportedly ran over her boyfriend after he refused to go to McDonald’s with her. Let me guess, did she use a pickup truck?
Tom Brady said he egged houses as a kid on Halloween. In fact, Tim Tebow tagged along with him one year, but he kept missing the houses.
The Price is Right will bring back Bob Barker to celebrate his 90th birthday. I like the idea; your final birthday is a pretty big deal.
Britney Spears' music is being used to scare Somali pirates. They would use my jokes, but they're too busy being used at Guantanamo Bay.
Well, nerds, that's all I have for right now, and probably my last post of the year, unless I get on my got damn high horse and get some jokes together. I'm having surgery next Wednesday to help my got damn underbite become better, so I should have a lot of time to write that shit. Should be a damn good time. Also, in my opinion, I feel that as of late, I've made a lot of progress in the Cincy comic scene. I feel that some comics are respecting me more as a performer because my jokes and attitude have improved. I'm trying, guys. I want to be fuggin famous someday, and I need the help, love, and support of the zero people that read this blog. Anyway, more to come soon!
David Beckham says he was subjected to humiliating sex acts as a teen athlete. It got so bad that he was once forced to have sex with a woman.
A Dallas Cowboys fan was beaten unconscious by four Raiders fans. The fans were arrested, prosecuted, and signed by the Raiders.
Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins has been arrested on child sex charges. Because of this scandal, Lostprophets will experience some lost profits.
President Obama gave Oprah Winfrey the Presidential Medal of Freedom today. Hey, I'm just impressed that he could find her neck.
People are criticizing 300 lb NJ Gov. Chris Christie for being too moderate. Really? Do you think that guy knows anything about moderation?
Ann Coulter said that Chris Christie's IQ is 8x higher than John McCain's. And Coulter's testosterone is 8x higher than both of theirs combined.
A Tennessee woman reportedly ran over her boyfriend after he refused to go to McDonald’s with her. Let me guess, did she use a pickup truck?
Tom Brady said he egged houses as a kid on Halloween. In fact, Tim Tebow tagged along with him one year, but he kept missing the houses.
The Price is Right will bring back Bob Barker to celebrate his 90th birthday. I like the idea; your final birthday is a pretty big deal.
Britney Spears' music is being used to scare Somali pirates. They would use my jokes, but they're too busy being used at Guantanamo Bay.
Well, nerds, that's all I have for right now, and probably my last post of the year, unless I get on my got damn high horse and get some jokes together. I'm having surgery next Wednesday to help my got damn underbite become better, so I should have a lot of time to write that shit. Should be a damn good time. Also, in my opinion, I feel that as of late, I've made a lot of progress in the Cincy comic scene. I feel that some comics are respecting me more as a performer because my jokes and attitude have improved. I'm trying, guys. I want to be fuggin famous someday, and I need the help, love, and support of the zero people that read this blog. Anyway, more to come soon!
Thursday, October 24, 2013
"Having Sex On Train Tracks"
An Ohio HS football player wrote a poem about his team’s poor performance. It described in detail their OT loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars.
Brent Musburger once said that "quarterbacks get all the girls". If that's the case, my peak was in the second grade during recess.
The Congressional gym was open during the shutdown. Hopefully politicians used it to workout their differences.
The Chiefs-Raiders game set a record for the loudest stadium ever. In fact, Raiders QB Terrelle Pryor couldn't even hear himself not think.
Barbara Sinatra says Mia Farrow’s son Ronan is not Frank Sinatra's son. This is becoming literally the whitest Maury Povich episode ever.
14 bags of pot were found in a 3 year old's backpack at a NY day care. People became suspicious when he drove to Taco Bell for snack time.
Two Russians having sex on train tracks were hit by a train. If her screams are loud enough to not notice a train, you're doing a great job.
Giants DB Prince Amukamara says people call him the Black Tim Tebow. He said this because he's a virgin, doesn't drink, and isn't an NFL caliber quarterback.
There's a new dating website called Twine where pictures can't be uploaded. It should've been called AlexSchubertFinallyHasAChance.com.
Krispy Kreme recently honored "Talk Like A Pirate Day" by giving out free donuts. Here's how it worked: if you talk like a pirate you get a donut, if you dress like one you get a dozen, and if you do neither you walk the plank.
Well guys, that's all for now. Well, big news on the Schub comedy front. I'll be living out one of my comedy dreams on Monday, October 28th. I will be involved in my first ever roast. You see, my friend Jay Armstrong is in a child custody battle with some stupid bitch who cheated on him and wants custody of their daughter. If anybody reads this sumbitch, you'll know to come out to the Thompson House. The tickets aren't cheap ($15), but they will be worth it. The money will be used to help Jay fight this legal battle. Jay (and myself) could use all the support we could get. So I thank you all, and holy fuck this is was a long paragraph.
Brent Musburger once said that "quarterbacks get all the girls". If that's the case, my peak was in the second grade during recess.
The Congressional gym was open during the shutdown. Hopefully politicians used it to workout their differences.
The Chiefs-Raiders game set a record for the loudest stadium ever. In fact, Raiders QB Terrelle Pryor couldn't even hear himself not think.
Barbara Sinatra says Mia Farrow’s son Ronan is not Frank Sinatra's son. This is becoming literally the whitest Maury Povich episode ever.
14 bags of pot were found in a 3 year old's backpack at a NY day care. People became suspicious when he drove to Taco Bell for snack time.
Two Russians having sex on train tracks were hit by a train. If her screams are loud enough to not notice a train, you're doing a great job.
Giants DB Prince Amukamara says people call him the Black Tim Tebow. He said this because he's a virgin, doesn't drink, and isn't an NFL caliber quarterback.
There's a new dating website called Twine where pictures can't be uploaded. It should've been called AlexSchubertFinallyHasAChance.com.
Krispy Kreme recently honored "Talk Like A Pirate Day" by giving out free donuts. Here's how it worked: if you talk like a pirate you get a donut, if you dress like one you get a dozen, and if you do neither you walk the plank.
Well guys, that's all for now. Well, big news on the Schub comedy front. I'll be living out one of my comedy dreams on Monday, October 28th. I will be involved in my first ever roast. You see, my friend Jay Armstrong is in a child custody battle with some stupid bitch who cheated on him and wants custody of their daughter. If anybody reads this sumbitch, you'll know to come out to the Thompson House. The tickets aren't cheap ($15), but they will be worth it. The money will be used to help Jay fight this legal battle. Jay (and myself) could use all the support we could get. So I thank you all, and holy fuck this is was a long paragraph.
Friday, September 13, 2013
"The Got Dang Queers"
A man in Boston plotted to cook and eat children. And somehow, he's only the second most notorious Bostonian this year.
Miley Cyrus appears naked on a wrecking ball in her new music video. This is the first time ever that a wrecking ball has gotten herpes.
Rush Limbaugh is writing a children's book. It's going to be called "How the Grinch Stole Your Tax Dollars To Help The Got Dang Queers".
An Afghan woman is wanted for stealing $1.1 Million from a bank she worked at. The real story here is that a woman in Afghanistan has a job.
Ariel Castro committed suicide in his prison cell. He did this after realizing that he's a dude named Ariel.
A study says there is a link between losing sports teams and overweight fans. To put that study in perspective, I root for the Bengals.
Louie Anderson recently did his first 3 meter dive into a pool. The moment was frightening for Louie, but even more frightening for the pool.
The NFL wants to ban large purses for women going to games, which means the only people who will bring purses to games play for the Browns.
A company has developed a cup that detects date rape drugs. "This is a major breakthrough," said Dave Lynch, CEO of Buzzkill Inc.
A new obesity map shows where the fattest Americans are. Which explains why today I was hit on the head by a giant red pin.
That's all for right now! Well, I'm 21 now, which means imma get drunk as fuck loljk I'm just getting into more open mics. The standup is going ok, I'm just trying to find the right stuff to write about.
Miley Cyrus appears naked on a wrecking ball in her new music video. This is the first time ever that a wrecking ball has gotten herpes.
Rush Limbaugh is writing a children's book. It's going to be called "How the Grinch Stole Your Tax Dollars To Help The Got Dang Queers".
An Afghan woman is wanted for stealing $1.1 Million from a bank she worked at. The real story here is that a woman in Afghanistan has a job.
Ariel Castro committed suicide in his prison cell. He did this after realizing that he's a dude named Ariel.
A study says there is a link between losing sports teams and overweight fans. To put that study in perspective, I root for the Bengals.
Louie Anderson recently did his first 3 meter dive into a pool. The moment was frightening for Louie, but even more frightening for the pool.
The NFL wants to ban large purses for women going to games, which means the only people who will bring purses to games play for the Browns.
A company has developed a cup that detects date rape drugs. "This is a major breakthrough," said Dave Lynch, CEO of Buzzkill Inc.
A new obesity map shows where the fattest Americans are. Which explains why today I was hit on the head by a giant red pin.
That's all for right now! Well, I'm 21 now, which means imma get drunk as fuck loljk I'm just getting into more open mics. The standup is going ok, I'm just trying to find the right stuff to write about.
Tuesday, August 6, 2013
"Get That Camera Out Of My Face"
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
Ariel Castro was sentenced to life plus 1,000 years in prison. To put that in perspective, that's approximately three Phish songs.
The Royal Baby has been named George Alexander Louis. So the baby was born in 2013, but it was named in 1885.
Michele Bachmann mistakenly received a vibrator in the mail. She described it as "Disgusting, foul, and it smells suspiciously like Marcus."
A Thai college made a banner where Hitler was next to Superman. It got worse when Mel Gibson U made a banner saying "What's the difference?"
A Netherlands woman says she has unwanted orgasms that start in her foot. Rex Ryan now has this woman on speed dial.
There is a Paula Deen themed cruise. I'm not saying it caught on with her racism but the ship takes off from the West coast of Africa.
A report says sibling bullying leads to depression, anger and anxiety. At least that's what my faggot piece of shit little brother told me.
That's all I have for right now! Sorry for this short list of jokes, but I want to come up with good ones occasionally instead of shitty ones with occasional good ones every day (who wouldn't). But if you're reading this, thanks a lot, and go and find some better jokes to make these ones look super shitty (this shouldn't be difficult).
Ariel Castro was sentenced to life plus 1,000 years in prison. To put that in perspective, that's approximately three Phish songs.
The Royal Baby has been named George Alexander Louis. So the baby was born in 2013, but it was named in 1885.
Michele Bachmann mistakenly received a vibrator in the mail. She described it as "Disgusting, foul, and it smells suspiciously like Marcus."
A Thai college made a banner where Hitler was next to Superman. It got worse when Mel Gibson U made a banner saying "What's the difference?"
A Netherlands woman says she has unwanted orgasms that start in her foot. Rex Ryan now has this woman on speed dial.
There is a Paula Deen themed cruise. I'm not saying it caught on with her racism but the ship takes off from the West coast of Africa.
A report says sibling bullying leads to depression, anger and anxiety. At least that's what my faggot piece of shit little brother told me.
That's all I have for right now! Sorry for this short list of jokes, but I want to come up with good ones occasionally instead of shitty ones with occasional good ones every day (who wouldn't). But if you're reading this, thanks a lot, and go and find some better jokes to make these ones look super shitty (this shouldn't be difficult).
Friday, June 14, 2013
"Get That Out Of Your Mouth"
Washington Wizards C Jason Collins came out as gay. Finally, a gay man in Washington that isn't a closeted Republican senator.
Chris Brown says that he's praying for Justin Bieber. Because if God is listening to anybody, he's listening to Chris Brown.
A high school in Arizona had a spirit event called "Redneck Day". I think some people took it too far, like the one black kid who came in with a rope around his neck.
A recent Dancing With The Stars theme was Prom Night, which made sense because I asked a pretty girl to watch it with me and she said no.
Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated in Germany. So the crazy baboon with the annoying screech had his monkey confiscated in Germany.
Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".
Lil' Wayne is expected to make a full recovery after being in a coma. "That's too bad," said literally half of the Internet.
An increasing number of dogs are ingesting pot. I think my dog got some, too. I recently told my dog to "speak" and he said "Whatever, bro."
In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.
Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. They wouldn't need to digitally make people fat if they knew how badly I needed money.
A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. The other two use other methods of technology to ignore my jokes.
The NSA has reportedly been spying on people's text messages. If that were true, then all the government knows about me is I only have three friends, and two of them are my parents.
Michael Douglas claims that his throat was caused by him performing oral sex on multiple women. This is fantastic news for my throat.
A preschool in California was recently shut down because some of the students were caught having sex with each other. Remember the good ol' days of preschool when "Get that out of your mouth" meant a bottle of glue, building blocks, your thumb...
That's all for now. I really gotta do this shit more often. As I'm pretty sure I went on in my last post about, topical writing is how I got into comedy. If it wasn't for comedy, I wouldn't be the jackass I am today (I mean that in both a good and a bad way). It's amazing to think about these past four years (one of which has been behind the mic). I've met people I never thought I'd meet. I've gained friends, and I've lost friends. I've been to incredible places (shitty open mics), and I'll go to even more incredible places (even shittier open mics). It's all been amazing, and I don't regret anything. "But Schubs, what about that joke you shouldn't have made about that one thing?" Fuck off, person I made up that would say the same thing as a lot of people. I don't think of those as things I should regret. I look at those as learning experiences, and I'm harder, better, faster, stronger, and funnier for it. Also, a message to people who don't want to see my standup because they don't think my online jokes are funny: you have no idea what my standup is like. You could probably guess what I talk about within a few tries, but you never know until you see it. In these next few months (I'm dead fucking serious about this), I'm gonna try and get some people to vouch for me. I have pretty much an entire community of people who don't believe in what I do or that I can do it. I need some people to say "Hey this motherfucker isn't bad." And I don't think I am. Anyway, sorry for the rant, and thx 4 reedn.
Chris Brown says that he's praying for Justin Bieber. Because if God is listening to anybody, he's listening to Chris Brown.
A high school in Arizona had a spirit event called "Redneck Day". I think some people took it too far, like the one black kid who came in with a rope around his neck.
A recent Dancing With The Stars theme was Prom Night, which made sense because I asked a pretty girl to watch it with me and she said no.
Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated in Germany. So the crazy baboon with the annoying screech had his monkey confiscated in Germany.
Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".
Lil' Wayne is expected to make a full recovery after being in a coma. "That's too bad," said literally half of the Internet.
An increasing number of dogs are ingesting pot. I think my dog got some, too. I recently told my dog to "speak" and he said "Whatever, bro."
In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.
Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. They wouldn't need to digitally make people fat if they knew how badly I needed money.
A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. The other two use other methods of technology to ignore my jokes.
The NSA has reportedly been spying on people's text messages. If that were true, then all the government knows about me is I only have three friends, and two of them are my parents.
Michael Douglas claims that his throat was caused by him performing oral sex on multiple women. This is fantastic news for my throat.
A preschool in California was recently shut down because some of the students were caught having sex with each other. Remember the good ol' days of preschool when "Get that out of your mouth" meant a bottle of glue, building blocks, your thumb...
That's all for now. I really gotta do this shit more often. As I'm pretty sure I went on in my last post about, topical writing is how I got into comedy. If it wasn't for comedy, I wouldn't be the jackass I am today (I mean that in both a good and a bad way). It's amazing to think about these past four years (one of which has been behind the mic). I've met people I never thought I'd meet. I've gained friends, and I've lost friends. I've been to incredible places (shitty open mics), and I'll go to even more incredible places (even shittier open mics). It's all been amazing, and I don't regret anything. "But Schubs, what about that joke you shouldn't have made about that one thing?" Fuck off, person I made up that would say the same thing as a lot of people. I don't think of those as things I should regret. I look at those as learning experiences, and I'm harder, better, faster, stronger, and funnier for it. Also, a message to people who don't want to see my standup because they don't think my online jokes are funny: you have no idea what my standup is like. You could probably guess what I talk about within a few tries, but you never know until you see it. In these next few months (I'm dead fucking serious about this), I'm gonna try and get some people to vouch for me. I have pretty much an entire community of people who don't believe in what I do or that I can do it. I need some people to say "Hey this motherfucker isn't bad." And I don't think I am. Anyway, sorry for the rant, and thx 4 reedn.
Tuesday, March 12, 2013
"Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver"
Holy shit, I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy doing standup and having a blast writing one liners on the Twitter. Here's an update at the topical jokes I have written over the past few months.
Horsemeat has been found in Burger King's Whoppers. If you think that's bad, I just found hamburger meat in my Elmers Glue.
An accused doctor at Johns Hopkins killed himself with helium. God reportedly tried to send him to hell, but he wouldn't stay down.
The National Enquirer says that OJ Simpson is having gay sex in prison. This would be the first time that a man helped get OJ off since 1995.
A greeter for the Heart Attack Grill died of a heart attack. News of his death has raised some concern at the Butthole Cancer Pizzeria.
A 9-year old girl in Mexico gave birth. That's sickening. Girls nowadays don't have sex until they're at least 12.
A study says that “coming out” can bring health benefits. "Not really," said AIDS.
A new pill reportedly gives a man an erection in seven seconds. There's two of them, and they're called breasts.
Casey Anthony filed for bankruptcy. Hopefully she finds some extra money in the ditch where she hid Caylee.
A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. If that's the case, Monica Lewinsky's vagina died in 2002.
Two Alaskan strippers reportedly fought over a one dollar bill. Yet another tough day on the job for Holly Goldberg and Candy Weinstein.
A man leaving a gun show in Indianapolis accidentally shot himself in the hand. He was then arrested for trying to impersonate Jesus.
Jodie Foster "came out" during her Golden Globes speech. John Hinckley really has his work cut out for him now.
Britney Spears says she wants to do a sitcom. I hope it's based on her marriages. And by that, I mean I hope it's cancelled after two weeks.
Secretary of State John Kerry will sign all tweets with JK while in office, which doesn't bode well for Iowa senator Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver.
That's an update for right now. Expect an update in a few months with some more jokes that I've written. It's basically how I got my start in comedy, and I love doing it. I used to write several jokes a day, and that was fun, but looking back on it, a lot of them were hack and not that funny. Now, I go for quality, not quantity. And quality, especially with writing jokes, is not easy. Well, thanks for your patience, and I hope you enjoyed these. Because if not, that's three months of work in the shit can. Anyway, thanks for y'alls reads, and see you soon!
Horsemeat has been found in Burger King's Whoppers. If you think that's bad, I just found hamburger meat in my Elmers Glue.
An accused doctor at Johns Hopkins killed himself with helium. God reportedly tried to send him to hell, but he wouldn't stay down.
The National Enquirer says that OJ Simpson is having gay sex in prison. This would be the first time that a man helped get OJ off since 1995.
A greeter for the Heart Attack Grill died of a heart attack. News of his death has raised some concern at the Butthole Cancer Pizzeria.
A 9-year old girl in Mexico gave birth. That's sickening. Girls nowadays don't have sex until they're at least 12.
A study says that “coming out” can bring health benefits. "Not really," said AIDS.
A new pill reportedly gives a man an erection in seven seconds. There's two of them, and they're called breasts.
Casey Anthony filed for bankruptcy. Hopefully she finds some extra money in the ditch where she hid Caylee.
A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. If that's the case, Monica Lewinsky's vagina died in 2002.
Two Alaskan strippers reportedly fought over a one dollar bill. Yet another tough day on the job for Holly Goldberg and Candy Weinstein.
A man leaving a gun show in Indianapolis accidentally shot himself in the hand. He was then arrested for trying to impersonate Jesus.
Jodie Foster "came out" during her Golden Globes speech. John Hinckley really has his work cut out for him now.
Britney Spears says she wants to do a sitcom. I hope it's based on her marriages. And by that, I mean I hope it's cancelled after two weeks.
Secretary of State John Kerry will sign all tweets with JK while in office, which doesn't bode well for Iowa senator Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver.
That's an update for right now. Expect an update in a few months with some more jokes that I've written. It's basically how I got my start in comedy, and I love doing it. I used to write several jokes a day, and that was fun, but looking back on it, a lot of them were hack and not that funny. Now, I go for quality, not quantity. And quality, especially with writing jokes, is not easy. Well, thanks for your patience, and I hope you enjoyed these. Because if not, that's three months of work in the shit can. Anyway, thanks for y'alls reads, and see you soon!
Saturday, June 30, 2012
"A Distinct Odor"
Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing. When I heard the news, I jumped up and down on a couch in excitement.
Adele is pregnant. She will be the only mom whose lullabies will make a crying baby cry even more.
A new study says that old people release a distinct odor. The study was conducted by me in a nursing home and get me out of here this place is awful.
Rielle Hunter and John Edwards have broken up. "That's too bad," said people without a soul.
Kim Kardashian says her fans are "stupid imbeciles". I didn't know she could say "stupid imbeciles" with an NBA player's dick in her mouth.
A boy died while masturbating 42 times without stopping. His autopsy says "He beat himself to death, so to speak."
I recently read about a groom who got drunk and cheated on his wife at their wedding. Even worse, he cheated with the flower girl.
Duke basketball head coach Mike Kryzewski says Penn State made a mistake firing Joe Paterno. Well good luck hiring him back.
Jerry Sandusky reportedly called himself the tickle monster. Which is strange, because I didn't know the tickle monster aimed there.
Casey Anthony said that she loved her daughter more than anybody. Of course she did. That's why Casey cried when she killed her.
A study says that a good sex life will help you live longer. If that's the case, I died five years ago.
Miley Cyrus is engaged. She would put the ring on her finger if she can get it out of Billy Ray's asshole.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Adele is pregnant. She will be the only mom whose lullabies will make a crying baby cry even more.
A new study says that old people release a distinct odor. The study was conducted by me in a nursing home and get me out of here this place is awful.
Rielle Hunter and John Edwards have broken up. "That's too bad," said people without a soul.
Kim Kardashian says her fans are "stupid imbeciles". I didn't know she could say "stupid imbeciles" with an NBA player's dick in her mouth.
A boy died while masturbating 42 times without stopping. His autopsy says "He beat himself to death, so to speak."
I recently read about a groom who got drunk and cheated on his wife at their wedding. Even worse, he cheated with the flower girl.
Duke basketball head coach Mike Kryzewski says Penn State made a mistake firing Joe Paterno. Well good luck hiring him back.
Jerry Sandusky reportedly called himself the tickle monster. Which is strange, because I didn't know the tickle monster aimed there.
Casey Anthony said that she loved her daughter more than anybody. Of course she did. That's why Casey cried when she killed her.
A study says that a good sex life will help you live longer. If that's the case, I died five years ago.
Miley Cyrus is engaged. She would put the ring on her finger if she can get it out of Billy Ray's asshole.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Thursday, May 31, 2012
"Five Wives"
A Japanese man cooked his own genitals and served them at a banquet. I can't believe he had the balls to do that.
Jenna Jameson was arrested for DUI. Let me get this straight. A drunk porn star in handcuffs? There is a god!
Saturday, April 21, 2012
"Too Sexy"
Ted Nugent said the Obama administration "wipes its ass with the Constitution". I hope Ted Nugent does the same with the barrel of one of his guns.
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that the U.S. is “within an inch” of war every day with North Korea. Or, approximately twice the size of the average Korean man's penis.
Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” is being released in only seven theaters. But to be fair, Miley Cyrus in a movie called "LOL" is like me in a movie called "The Ultimate Ladies Man With Great Jokes And A Sexy Body".
A study says that watching porn shuts down a part of the brain. It's the part that tells you to delete your Internet history.
A bill in Arizona still allows people to offend or annoy others on the Internet. It's a bill named after me.
A substitute teacher in New Jersey has been suspended after telling a seven-year-old girl that she was "too sexy" to take gym. But that's what happens when you get your substitute teachers from Craigslist.
A new study says that your personality could be reflected by what type of dog you own. Which explains why my dog isn't funny and weighs twice as much as it should.
An unauthorized biography contains Simon Cowell's personal secrets. One I found shocking: his t-shirts are actually painted on him.
The "Pregnant Man", Thomas Beatie, has reportedly split from his wife. And in another gender twist, he took half of her shit.
Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Mariners. When he does it against a pro team, I'll be impressed.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that the U.S. is “within an inch” of war every day with North Korea. Or, approximately twice the size of the average Korean man's penis.
Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” is being released in only seven theaters. But to be fair, Miley Cyrus in a movie called "LOL" is like me in a movie called "The Ultimate Ladies Man With Great Jokes And A Sexy Body".
A study says that watching porn shuts down a part of the brain. It's the part that tells you to delete your Internet history.
A bill in Arizona still allows people to offend or annoy others on the Internet. It's a bill named after me.
A substitute teacher in New Jersey has been suspended after telling a seven-year-old girl that she was "too sexy" to take gym. But that's what happens when you get your substitute teachers from Craigslist.
A new study says that your personality could be reflected by what type of dog you own. Which explains why my dog isn't funny and weighs twice as much as it should.
An unauthorized biography contains Simon Cowell's personal secrets. One I found shocking: his t-shirts are actually painted on him.
The "Pregnant Man", Thomas Beatie, has reportedly split from his wife. And in another gender twist, he took half of her shit.
Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Mariners. When he does it against a pro team, I'll be impressed.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Tuesday, April 17, 2012
"Colorado Rockies Tickets"
Frances Bean Cobain, daughter of the late Kurt Cobain, says that her mother, Courtney Love, should be banned from Twitter. Screw that. Courtney Love should be banned from Walgreens.
Kate Winslet says that Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten fatter since Titanic. Well if I had to look at her disgusting face, I'd need some comfort food, too.
President Obama wants a "rigorous" Secret Service probe after the sex scandal in Columbia. Seriously? There's been enough probing going on there...
A 14-year old kid, who is set to graduate from UCLA very soon, insists he's not a genius. Yeah, and I'm not THAT bad at picking up women.
Ashley Judd is upset about the media's comments regarding her puffy appearance. She called the comments "nasty", "mysogynistic", and "100% right".
Kenyans won both the men and women’s divisions of the Boston Marathon. Are either of the winners ridiculously photogenic? No? Then fuck 'em.
University of Kentucky center Eloy Vargas took a high school senior to her prom after she asked him. If I ever meet Kate Upton, I'm gonna try this.
A middle school cross country runner was on a jog, where she found $1,500 in Colorado Rockies tickets. When asked where the tickets came from, he said, "Oh, they just came out of thin air."
Despite rumors, Khloe Kardashian is not pregnant. Well of course. Men can't get pregnant.
Kim Kardashian says she wants to run for mayor of Glendale, California. It's the first time she's wanted a job in her entire life.
That's all I have for today! Remember, on Friday is Cover the Night, where we go after Joseph Kony, aka the second most hated man on Earth...
Kate Winslet says that Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten fatter since Titanic. Well if I had to look at her disgusting face, I'd need some comfort food, too.
President Obama wants a "rigorous" Secret Service probe after the sex scandal in Columbia. Seriously? There's been enough probing going on there...
A 14-year old kid, who is set to graduate from UCLA very soon, insists he's not a genius. Yeah, and I'm not THAT bad at picking up women.
Ashley Judd is upset about the media's comments regarding her puffy appearance. She called the comments "nasty", "mysogynistic", and "100% right".
Kenyans won both the men and women’s divisions of the Boston Marathon. Are either of the winners ridiculously photogenic? No? Then fuck 'em.
University of Kentucky center Eloy Vargas took a high school senior to her prom after she asked him. If I ever meet Kate Upton, I'm gonna try this.
A middle school cross country runner was on a jog, where she found $1,500 in Colorado Rockies tickets. When asked where the tickets came from, he said, "Oh, they just came out of thin air."
Despite rumors, Khloe Kardashian is not pregnant. Well of course. Men can't get pregnant.
Kim Kardashian says she wants to run for mayor of Glendale, California. It's the first time she's wanted a job in her entire life.
That's all I have for today! Remember, on Friday is Cover the Night, where we go after Joseph Kony, aka the second most hated man on Earth...
Tuesday, April 10, 2012
"Fashion Faceoff"
Ron Paul says he is “trying to save the Republican Party”. From what? Youth?
A Texas hospital says it will not hire overweight people with a BMI of more than 35. So we know where I'm not gonna work.
A study proves that “beer goggles” actually exist, and that drinking alcohol can make people look more desirable. Now I have an excuse to buy beer.
Amanda Bynes was recently arrested for DUI. She was so drunk, she thought she saw real dancing lobsters.
Heidi Klum has filed for divorce from Seal, citing "irreconcilable differences". Like the fact that Heidi Klum's face is good looking.
I just read an article called "Mila Kunis vs. Kate Upton Fashion Faceoff". Goddamnit, now my computer is all sticky.
NASA has recently discovered the quietest room on Earth. It's a comedy club after I tell a joke.
A report says that a British sperm clinic founder may have fathered as many as 600 children. And here, I thought the dudes on the Maury Povich show were out of control.
Anchorage, Alaska has broken a 57 year old snow total record for the year with 133.6 inches. Also known as Adele's waistline.
A report says that Americans’ favorite chocolate to eat is Snickers. Americans' least favorite chocolate to eat: Oprah Winfrey.
Baseball announcer Tim McCarver says that social networking is “disturbing”. Well Mr. McCarver, get off my Twitter and Facebook pages.
Chris Daughtry has been sued by former bandmates. If I was forced to listen to Daughtry's music every fucking night, I think I'd deserve a reward.
An ex-teacher in Modesto has been arrested for sexual abuse of one of his students. Can we rename that city Molesto?
George Zimmerman has launched a website to help pay for his legal expenses. He has received countless donations - from white people.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
A Texas hospital says it will not hire overweight people with a BMI of more than 35. So we know where I'm not gonna work.
A study proves that “beer goggles” actually exist, and that drinking alcohol can make people look more desirable. Now I have an excuse to buy beer.
Amanda Bynes was recently arrested for DUI. She was so drunk, she thought she saw real dancing lobsters.
Heidi Klum has filed for divorce from Seal, citing "irreconcilable differences". Like the fact that Heidi Klum's face is good looking.
I just read an article called "Mila Kunis vs. Kate Upton Fashion Faceoff". Goddamnit, now my computer is all sticky.
NASA has recently discovered the quietest room on Earth. It's a comedy club after I tell a joke.
A report says that a British sperm clinic founder may have fathered as many as 600 children. And here, I thought the dudes on the Maury Povich show were out of control.
Anchorage, Alaska has broken a 57 year old snow total record for the year with 133.6 inches. Also known as Adele's waistline.
A report says that Americans’ favorite chocolate to eat is Snickers. Americans' least favorite chocolate to eat: Oprah Winfrey.
Baseball announcer Tim McCarver says that social networking is “disturbing”. Well Mr. McCarver, get off my Twitter and Facebook pages.
Chris Daughtry has been sued by former bandmates. If I was forced to listen to Daughtry's music every fucking night, I think I'd deserve a reward.
An ex-teacher in Modesto has been arrested for sexual abuse of one of his students. Can we rename that city Molesto?
George Zimmerman has launched a website to help pay for his legal expenses. He has received countless donations - from white people.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Wednesday, March 28, 2012
"Dumped Flour"
Dick Cheney is undergoing a heart transplant. And by that, I mean he's getting one inserted.
Pope Benedict XVI has commissioned his own cologne. The cologne is just a bottle of tears from the altar boys that have been molested.
A Dutch woman who suffered a stroke says the faces of her family now appear to be ugly. In fact, you know that very family she is referring to? I was recently made an honorary member.
Ford is touting the ability of its turbocharged Escape to tow 3,500 pounds of weight. Doesn't Adele's car already do that?
Jason Russell, who made the film "Kony 2012", was recently caught masturbating in public. Ironically, he was caught by Ugandan police.
Ashley Judd is starring in a new ABC drama series called “Missing”. It's about her career.
Workers in Chinese iPad factories were forced to sign pledges to promise not to commit suicide. How will they get punished if they break the pledge?
There is new surveillance technology that makes it possible for a computer to compare 36 million faces in one second. So far, the only thing it has determined is that mine is the ugliest.
There was someone who dumped flour on Kim Kardashian. Kim was stunned. She had gone her entire life without anything white on her body.
James Cameron reportedly reached the deepest spot on Earth. That spot: Adele's belly button.
Friends of Demi Moore says she's sick to her stomach about Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna dating. Sick to her stomach? Don't worry, Demi. That's probably the bulimia.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Pope Benedict XVI has commissioned his own cologne. The cologne is just a bottle of tears from the altar boys that have been molested.
A Dutch woman who suffered a stroke says the faces of her family now appear to be ugly. In fact, you know that very family she is referring to? I was recently made an honorary member.
Ford is touting the ability of its turbocharged Escape to tow 3,500 pounds of weight. Doesn't Adele's car already do that?
Jason Russell, who made the film "Kony 2012", was recently caught masturbating in public. Ironically, he was caught by Ugandan police.
Ashley Judd is starring in a new ABC drama series called “Missing”. It's about her career.
Workers in Chinese iPad factories were forced to sign pledges to promise not to commit suicide. How will they get punished if they break the pledge?
There is new surveillance technology that makes it possible for a computer to compare 36 million faces in one second. So far, the only thing it has determined is that mine is the ugliest.
There was someone who dumped flour on Kim Kardashian. Kim was stunned. She had gone her entire life without anything white on her body.
James Cameron reportedly reached the deepest spot on Earth. That spot: Adele's belly button.
Friends of Demi Moore says she's sick to her stomach about Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna dating. Sick to her stomach? Don't worry, Demi. That's probably the bulimia.
That's all I have for right now! More later!
Saturday, March 17, 2012
"Stealing Tide Detergent"
Bear Grylls was fired from "Man vs. Wild". This was a result of him taking a piss and actually flushing it down the toilet.
More than 52 percent of Republican voters in Mississippi think President Obama is a Muslim. But don't worry, Barack. The opinions of Republicans don't matter.
A study says ambitious, successful people live longer and are happier. This study was conducted by reading horoscopes.
A poll says 18% of Facebook users blocked, unfriended or deleted someone based on politics. I belong in the other 82% who was deleted because of shitty and offensive jokes.
An ex-porn actor in Florida was allowed to seek getting a teaching certificate. Basically, he's going from one sex industry to another.
Police say there has been a dramatic increase in people stealing Tide detergent. Talk about a "clean getaway".
A nine-year old girl in China gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Combine the fact that there's a nine year old girl is in labor, and the fact that it was in China, driving to the hospital must have been a fucking nightmare.
A Pittsburgh Arena football coach fired all 24 members of his team at a dinner at the Olive Garden. Hey, for taking his team to the Olive Garden, the coach deserves to be fired.
Justin Bieber's newest single is called "Boyfriend". Let the jokes begin!
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
More than 52 percent of Republican voters in Mississippi think President Obama is a Muslim. But don't worry, Barack. The opinions of Republicans don't matter.
A study says ambitious, successful people live longer and are happier. This study was conducted by reading horoscopes.
A poll says 18% of Facebook users blocked, unfriended or deleted someone based on politics. I belong in the other 82% who was deleted because of shitty and offensive jokes.
An ex-porn actor in Florida was allowed to seek getting a teaching certificate. Basically, he's going from one sex industry to another.
Police say there has been a dramatic increase in people stealing Tide detergent. Talk about a "clean getaway".
A nine-year old girl in China gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Combine the fact that there's a nine year old girl is in labor, and the fact that it was in China, driving to the hospital must have been a fucking nightmare.
A Pittsburgh Arena football coach fired all 24 members of his team at a dinner at the Olive Garden. Hey, for taking his team to the Olive Garden, the coach deserves to be fired.
Justin Bieber's newest single is called "Boyfriend". Let the jokes begin!
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Monday, March 5, 2012
"Speech Jamming Gun"
Kirk Cameron recently said that homosexuality is "unnatural". Hey Kirk, guess what else is unnatural? A career that disappeared as fast as yours did.
Rush Limbaugh recently called a girl a slut because she supported birth control for women. Here's my response, Rush: You know conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart? I'm glad he died.
Google is planning to dig even deeper into the lives of its users through the information it collects. There's already a website for that. It's called "Facebook".
Justin Bieber was given a $100,000 hybrid car for his 18th birthday. Hopefully he uses it to drive himself off a cliff.
A study says that seniors say they sleep better than younger adults. Wait a minute. Taking a piss six times in one night is not a problem?
Doctors in England used fat from a man’s stomach to repair an injury to his head. Maybe the NFL should consider hiring me as a donor.
President Obama says he “screwed up” during the 2008 campaign. Yeah, that's why he got elected.
New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco got peed on by a lion. The lion promptly sang "I Believe I Can Fly".
Japan has invented a speech jamming gun that can silence people in mid sentence. Really? That's the biggest load of
McDonald’s says all its advertising will include a nutritional or physical activity message to kids. And after that, the FCC will air a commercial featuring hardcore porn.
Researchers say that top financial traders have a lot in common with psychopaths. Mainly because financial traders ARE psychopaths.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Rush Limbaugh recently called a girl a slut because she supported birth control for women. Here's my response, Rush: You know conservative commentator Andrew Breitbart? I'm glad he died.
Google is planning to dig even deeper into the lives of its users through the information it collects. There's already a website for that. It's called "Facebook".
Justin Bieber was given a $100,000 hybrid car for his 18th birthday. Hopefully he uses it to drive himself off a cliff.
A study says that seniors say they sleep better than younger adults. Wait a minute. Taking a piss six times in one night is not a problem?
Doctors in England used fat from a man’s stomach to repair an injury to his head. Maybe the NFL should consider hiring me as a donor.
President Obama says he “screwed up” during the 2008 campaign. Yeah, that's why he got elected.
New England Patriots wide receiver Chad Ochocinco got peed on by a lion. The lion promptly sang "I Believe I Can Fly".
Japan has invented a speech jamming gun that can silence people in mid sentence. Really? That's the biggest load of
McDonald’s says all its advertising will include a nutritional or physical activity message to kids. And after that, the FCC will air a commercial featuring hardcore porn.
Researchers say that top financial traders have a lot in common with psychopaths. Mainly because financial traders ARE psychopaths.
That's all I have for today! More coming soon!
Monday, February 27, 2012
"Inhaling Helium"
A teenage girl recently died after inhaling helium at a party. This might be only time that I laugh when I hear someone's last words.
A man recently suffered a heart attack while eating at Heart Attack Grill. Meanwhile, sales at the Shit Your Pants Cafe are down 97%.
Taylor Swift asked an 18-year old boy with leukemia to the Country Music Awards. Do you think they'll hook up after the show?
A woman in Nebraska is selling a Chicken McNugget that looks like George Washington. Ironically, the asking price is one dollar.
Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was charged with cocaine distribution. In other news, Dorothy Sandusky was charged with molesting little boys.
There was a story of a 13-year old girl who posted an "Am I Pretty Or Ugly" video on Facebook. News flash: if you have to go on Facebook to ask other people of you're pretty or ugly, chances are, you're ugly.
Gas has reached $5 a gallon in Los Angeles. If you wanna get paid to have your tank filled, go to San Fernando Valley. (thinker)
500 Blockbuster stores may close this year. This will bring the total number of running Blockbuster stores to -350.
Rick Santorum says that President Obama is a snob who wants every American to go to college. What is it with this guy? President Obama could save a man's life, and Santorum would say, "Obama is clearly distracted and has higher priorities than running our country."
An 11-year old girl in California died after fighting with a classmate over a boy. Two girls fighting over a boy; something I will never experience.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
A man recently suffered a heart attack while eating at Heart Attack Grill. Meanwhile, sales at the Shit Your Pants Cafe are down 97%.
Taylor Swift asked an 18-year old boy with leukemia to the Country Music Awards. Do you think they'll hook up after the show?
A woman in Nebraska is selling a Chicken McNugget that looks like George Washington. Ironically, the asking price is one dollar.
Charlie Sheen's ex-wife, Brooke Mueller, was charged with cocaine distribution. In other news, Dorothy Sandusky was charged with molesting little boys.
There was a story of a 13-year old girl who posted an "Am I Pretty Or Ugly" video on Facebook. News flash: if you have to go on Facebook to ask other people of you're pretty or ugly, chances are, you're ugly.
Gas has reached $5 a gallon in Los Angeles. If you wanna get paid to have your tank filled, go to San Fernando Valley. (thinker)
500 Blockbuster stores may close this year. This will bring the total number of running Blockbuster stores to -350.
Rick Santorum says that President Obama is a snob who wants every American to go to college. What is it with this guy? President Obama could save a man's life, and Santorum would say, "Obama is clearly distracted and has higher priorities than running our country."
An 11-year old girl in California died after fighting with a classmate over a boy. Two girls fighting over a boy; something I will never experience.
That's all I have for today! More coming later!
Sunday, February 19, 2012
"A Predictor Of Dementia"
Singer Whitney Houston's funeral was today. Whitney specifically asked that her two closest friends sit in the front row: Gin and tonic.
Actor Robert Pattinson said he may be too old to appear in the next Twilight film. I hope to God he's right.
In a recent interview, Khloe Kardashian said that she has a very active sex life with Lamar Odom. Who would fuck that ugly man? I mean seriously, Lamar, what are you thinking?
The NYPD was recently discovered to have been monitoring the activity of Muslim college students. Even the LAPD is disgusted by the amount of racial profiling there.
Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum questioned President Obama's Christian values. Just because Obama doesn't hate gay people, doesn't mean he's not a Christian.
A study says that slow walking can be a predictor of dementia. Sorry, gangstas.
A University of Illinois professor calls Chicago the most corrupt city in the U.S. Want proof? They consider the Cubs to be a professional baseball team.
A PBS documentary about Bill Clinton has him saying “I really screwed up with that girl” when talking about Monica Lewinsky. Minus the "up with" part.
A Minnesota man is being accused of stealing up to $25,000 of Tide detergent. This man is known as the only criminal on Earth with clean clothes.
A proposed bill in Arizona will prohibit teachers from swearing in class. Like when the teachers say "Fuck yeah" when they are having sex with their students.
A girl from England avoided liver disease by eating massive amounts of junk food. In other news, today, she was named an honorary American.
A study says that overeating may double the odds of memory loss. Wait, can you say that again?
That's all I have for right now! More coming later!
Actor Robert Pattinson said he may be too old to appear in the next Twilight film. I hope to God he's right.
In a recent interview, Khloe Kardashian said that she has a very active sex life with Lamar Odom. Who would fuck that ugly man? I mean seriously, Lamar, what are you thinking?
The NYPD was recently discovered to have been monitoring the activity of Muslim college students. Even the LAPD is disgusted by the amount of racial profiling there.
Republican Presidential candidate Rick Santorum questioned President Obama's Christian values. Just because Obama doesn't hate gay people, doesn't mean he's not a Christian.
A study says that slow walking can be a predictor of dementia. Sorry, gangstas.
A University of Illinois professor calls Chicago the most corrupt city in the U.S. Want proof? They consider the Cubs to be a professional baseball team.
A PBS documentary about Bill Clinton has him saying “I really screwed up with that girl” when talking about Monica Lewinsky. Minus the "up with" part.
A Minnesota man is being accused of stealing up to $25,000 of Tide detergent. This man is known as the only criminal on Earth with clean clothes.
A proposed bill in Arizona will prohibit teachers from swearing in class. Like when the teachers say "Fuck yeah" when they are having sex with their students.
A girl from England avoided liver disease by eating massive amounts of junk food. In other news, today, she was named an honorary American.
A study says that overeating may double the odds of memory loss. Wait, can you say that again?
That's all I have for right now! More coming later!
Monday, February 6, 2012
"Crotch Grabbing Dance"
The Giants beat the Patriots in Super Bowl XLVI by a score of 21-17. This shows how bad the Patriots are. Bill Belichick couldn't even cheat his way to victory.
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.
A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".
A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.
A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.
A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?
Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.
A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.
The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!
The TSA has been training hot dog vendors at the Super Bowl to spot possible terrorists. The TSA and hot dog vendors: Two groups of people who work extensively with wieners.
Researchers say that the best way to avoid eating junk food is to just put it off until later. I'm no scientist, but I think the best way to avoid junk food is to not fucking buy it.
A study says that people using drugs like cocaine, amphetamines and opiates into their 50s are more common than previously thought. The study is entitled, "Whitney and Bobby".
A 9 year old boy in a Catholic school in Minnesota was suspended for performing Michael Jackson’s crotch grabbing dance. Finally! A 9 year old boy's crotch grabbed by somebody other than a priest.
Newt Gingrich’s campaign is now $600,000 in debt. Just like the all-you-can-eat buffet he went to last night.
A study says that Mars is too dry to sustain life. Like the average MILF's vagina.
A new blood test may be able to diagnose people with depression. Is that where "negative" blood types come from?
Research says that more teens are turning to Twitter as their primary source of communication. Mainly because all our parents found out about Facebook.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. I don't think I can handle another four years of Republicans not allowing him to do anything.
President Obama says he deserves to be reelected. Considering his competition, his reelection pretty much a guarantee.
A former White House intern says she had an 18-month affair with John F. Kennedy. However, I find this woman to be a sick human being. She said the affair ended in 1965.
The New England Patriots were offered an all-expenses paid vacation to Aruba after yesterday's loss to the Giants. Everyone in Indianapolis hopes Joran Van Der Sloot is still there.
That's all I have for today! Sorry I rarely post, everybody. I'm just extremely busy on Twitter and stuff. Follow me on there (@GroperCleveland)! Anyway, more coming later!
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