"Mini Versions Of People"

President Obama has a proposed budget of $4 trillion. At least half of it will be used to pay for Game of War ads.

A Redskins fan paid $1,522 for a cast worn by Robert Griffin III. Who knows about overpaying for a useless item more than RGIII and the Redskins?

A survey says the most popular Valentine’s date meal is sushi. Yep, men spend Valentine's Day eating raw fish, and then they go on a sushi date.

Brian Williams has come under fire for fabricating a story about a chopper he was in during the Iraq War. I'm not saying Brian Williams has lost his credibility, but his most recent story was about me going on a date last Saturday night.

RadioShack filed for bankruptcy. So now if I want the newest electronics, I'll go to the place I was already going to instead of RadioShack.

Bruce Jenner is reportedly transitioning to become a woman. Apparently this news left Bobbi Kristina Brown speechless.

A Chinese developer has created a video game controller that's controlled by the vagina. Also controlled by the vagina: men.

Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. He's great for the Pro Bowl because it allows him to showcase his greatest strength: throwing to players who play for other teams.

Cincinnati Bengals QB Andy Dalton made the Pro Bowl this year. Pro Bowl officials decided to let him in after 36 other quarterbacks, six rocks, and a Denny's manager were deemed unavailable.

The Mueller Report says NFL didn't investigate into the Ray Rice domestic violence situation enough. Meanwhile, the Schubert Report says Ray Rice shouldn't have hit his wife in the first place.

Police in KY killed the first cougar seen there since the Civil War. It's a shame the cougar died before it got the chance to blow George Clooney.

A store in Paris uses 3D printing to sell mini versions of people. They're selling a mini version of me, and it comes with a mini girl that runs from it.

On NPR, Bill Cosby refused to deny the rape allegations against him. This proves once and for all that he doesn't see any value in the word "no".

Black Eyes Peas singer Fergie is pregnant. She knew she might have been pregnant when her period was so two thousand and late.

That's all I have for right now. Well, I don't know what else to say about my comedy grind except for the fact that it's been going well. No, I haven't been booked yet, but I'm working on that. All my club sets have gone really really well as of late, and I'll be going to more clubs as time goes on. In March alone, I'll be performing in at least two clubs (Go Bananas in Cincy on the 4th and Wiley's in Dayton on the 22nd). I'm really excited for how everything is going to turn out, because I feel as if I'm starting to hit a groove with this thing. As for the diet, for the first time since my junior year of high school, I'm under 200 pounds (194 as of right now)! That means that I've lost a total of 60 pounds so far. I know, that weight is gonna seem real shitty in a few months as I'm still losing more and more weight. I feel better about myself than I have in a long time. Anyway, enough of the petty bullshit. I'll have a new batch of dick jokes soon for you guys. More to come later!

"Ariana Grande Isn't A Diva"

Brittney Griner was attacked in China by a knife-wielding man. The guy is still at large, but they just arrested the dude with the knife.

Apple CEO Tim Cook has come out as gay. This totally explains why the new iPhone charger holes became tighter after Steve Jobs died.

North Korea is banning tourism over the fear of Ebola. This made history as the first time North Korea cared for the health of its citizens.

New York City had its first case of Ebola. Doctors who tried to cure it by saying "Get atta here" to the virus proved to be wildly unsuccessful.

The WHO says Nigeria is Ebola free. Now, the only virus in Nigeria is the one that emails me about how I can have a huge penis in 6-8 weeks.

Jessie J said that Ariana Grande isn't a diva, she just "knows what she wants". Yeah, and Ted Bundy isn't a murderer, he just killed a ton of people.

A Dallas nurse with Ebola flew to Cleveland. Yep, the deadly virus that nobody wants to come in contact with had a nurse with Ebola fly there.

A parrot with a British accent got lost, returned, and now speaks Spanish. I knew something was up when it returned in a cage with 50 other parrots.

A study says that trauma and food addiction are linked in women. They must have experienced a huge conundrum when Twinkies were taken away.

That's all I have for right now. Well, I feel that I've gotten back in the swing of things with writing topical jokes. Maybe it's because there was a shit ton of Ebola stuff to write about, who knows, but I'm happy about it. However, as of late, with comedy, I've felt a sense of rejection from the community. I've done more than my fair share of alienation over my time as a comic, but I've spent the past couple years or so trying to not only undo it, but learning how to not do it. I'm trying, believe me, but it still feels like nobody wants me around. No, I'm not going to do anything to myself (sorry ladies), but I've felt super lonely for awhile. And every time I do try and hang out, everyone's off doing something else. "Aww, Schubs, is that what autism feels like" Maybe, but I'm trying to fix that, because I've been doing a lot of self-improvement shit. For example, I've been on this crazy thing called a "diet" (I've lost 45 pounds in the past year and counting), and I'm trying to be a better and funnier dude. I've alienated a lot of people, but tomorrow's a new day, and I want to go out and be the best comic I know people think I'm too sad to be. Also, on a slightly more positive note, I, after three and a half long and amazingly fun years, have reached 2,000 Twitter followers, so fuckin yay for me, and for them, I have given them a suicide hotline number. Anyway, more coming soon!

"Stuck In A Stone Vagina"

Minnesota Vikings running back Adrian Peterson was indicted for child abuse. He's expected to receive a lengthy suspension because his wife wasn't the one abused.

A new robot can make 360 hamburgers in one hour. This revolutionary machine has been given the code name "Chris Christie's Personal Chef".

A Penn State student is now famous for feeding and dressing up a squirrel. Finally, someone at PSU manipulating a tiny being in a good way.

Jennifer Lawrence had nude photos released by a hacker. I'm outraged that someone would invade her privacy and leak her nude photos without telling me where I can find them.

A woman in Seattle was arrested after having sex with lawn chairs. Soon after that she sat on her cousin in the front yard and drank a beer.

Kim Kardashian will publish a 352-page selfie book. It's kinda ironic that the one person more self obsessed than Kanye West is his own wife.

A new study says eating fish makes the brain healthier. This totally explains all those Harvard grads you see eating at Long John Silver's.

A 100,000 year old skeleton may reveal the oldest case of brain damage. However, it isn't as old and brain damaged as any Fox News viewer.

A food truck with marijuana infused sandwiches is going around in Washington state. I assume they're Phish sandwiches.

A guy in Germany got stuck in a stone vagina. Amazingly, that stone vagina wasn't even half as dry as the vaginas of girls who talk to me.

Robert Morris U will now offer athletic scholarships for online gaming. This explains their new fight song "Mom, The Wifi Is Down Again".

A Buffalo man is selling his world record collection of 11,000 video games. The man hopes to use the money to buy himself a girlfriend.

Longtime MLB player and coach Don Zimmer died at age 83. Pedro Martinez shoved his casket into its burial plot.

That's all I have for right now! To both of you that read this, sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I'm trying, but I'm back in school now and I've been super busy. I'm still on the comedy grind, and I feel that I've made significant progress over the past few months. After a great contest set that I juuuust missed advancing to the semifinals in (I lost by 5 votes...), a great Brewhaha (I MC'D OMGGGGG), and a couple more good opening sets at the Go Bananas, who knows what could happen? Could I have gotten that all-elusive thing I've been working for for almost two and a half years soon? Only time will tell. Anyway, I hope nobody from the Go Bananas sees any of this (me talking about looking to get a you know what), because if so, I'm fuuuucked. Anyway, more coming soon!

Holy shit, five years

Holy shit. A half of a decade. A quarter of a two decades. Eh, screw it, you get the gist.

But the point is, I've been in the comedy world for five years. Comedy, to me, has been a life-changing journey full of laughs, self-discovery, pain, fun, rejection, stupidity, and a bunch of other words I can't think of right now. I know most people who know me don't really care, but comedy means so much to me. I've met some incredible people, I've made friends that will last for the rest of my life, all because I wanted to be funny. For those of you who are comics and have seen me for less time, my comedy journey began with one simple blog post from the NY Times.

http://laughlines.blogs.nytimes.com/2009/07/06/did-you-hear-the-one-that-isnt-about/

When my joke got featured, I remember losing my shit. I freaked out, I told everybody I knew, because for the first time, I was published. Looking back on it, the joke really wasn't that good (at all), but for the first year of comedy, that blog is what I stuck to. I felt accomplished every time I made the blog, and I was disappointed every time I didn't, but hey, that's life. Throughout that first year (my junior year of high school), I learned the art and science of the punchline by writing and watching (especially Leno), my writing got stronger, and in general, I got funnier. After my first year, I decided that there was no turning back. I was going to be in the comedy world for good.

My highlight of my first year of comedy was meeting Jay Leno. There are many people who think of him as kind of a hack (in fact, one friend of mine referred to him as "the worst"), but watching him made me want to go into comedy. I dreamed of being one of his writers, and I thought I could do it. I got to meet him in the spring of 2010 when I went on a spring break trip to LA with my mom, her boyfriend, and his son. It was a great trip for me because I got to experience comedy in real life, and it was mind blowing. After the show, someone who worked there took us backstage to the green room, where Leno came out in his typical all-denim style. He was super nice to me and everyone I was with. I will never forget that day because I realized that even the most successful comics will reach out to people just starting out.

The next year for me (my senior year of high school) was fairly uneventful. I wrote jokes, I did my thing and such. That year, only two noteworthy things happened, one good and one bad. The bad event happened in September 29th, 2010. Greg Giraldo, who would become my favorite comedian and still is to this day, died. I'll never forget where I was. I was in my bed about to go to sleep when my friend Alex texted me and said that he died. I was shocked, but it didn't really affect me severely until I watched his standup, then I realized what a truly brilliant comic he was.

The good thing remember happening that year (besides graduating high school) was what I think of as my first really good joke. The joke was "A new British beer contains Viagra. Let me suggest a name: Mike's Hard." With that joke, I had evolved into the next stage of comedic writing: dick jokes. I can now say I have a dick joke. That joke was my first tweet on my joke Twitter account, it was a staff pick on DailyComedy, it was featured on Reddit, and a little over a year later, the Huffington Post. It's truly great to me what one joke can do for you.

It was also at the end of my second year where I started my first all-joke Twitter account: @GroperCleveland. How I thought of that name, I don't have a clue. All I remember was that it was funny to me, and ever since then, it stuck. Jimmy Fallon said ON AIR that my Twitter screen name was funny (then again, Jimmy Fallon thinks Jimmy Fallon is funny, so it could go either way). I'm still extremely active on that account to this day, and I've had stuff on there that's disappeared into obscurity, and some stuff that has stuck. I've enjoyed every second of it.

My third year of comedy (my FIRST freshman year of college) was probably the most rocky year of my comedy career. It started out awful. I did start standup comedy at Go Bananas, and the first six months of my comedy career, well, I like to think of that as a bad dream. That's all it will be to me. I don't even count it as time spent doing standup, that's how bad it was.

This third year of comedy was also when I hit my personal low, which, unfortunately, involved comedy. It all started in August 2011 when I made jokes about the Indiana State Fair stage collapse, not knowing that anyone I knew was hurt. As it turns out, my friend Jaymie and our school's cheerleading coach Meagan were both seriously injured. Jaymie recovered and is fine now, but unfortunately, Meagan ended up dying. After that night when I found out that people I knew were hurt, I immediately apologized to Jaymie, and she said it was alright. However, in December 2011, I was in sort of a shitty mood, so for some reason, I went on Facebook and made some jokes related to that Indiana State Fair stage collapse. Why I did it, I don't know (probably attention that I so badly craved at the time, I don't know, and by I don't know, I mean yes it was). That night, I fed off of it, and kept going for some reason. I pissed off everyone that I went to high school with, and for about a week, or maybe even a month, everyone I knew hated me. I felt super alone. The next day, I treated that situation like I killed someone. I was in major damage control mode for about a week. I apologized to everyone, and while it took time for forgiveness, everyone eventually forgave me.

Do I regret what I did on those two occasions? Yes and no. I do regret it because I hurt several people I knew with what I thought was funny, and words can never be taken back. However, I don't regret it because it was a major learning experience for me. I learned that I have to be careful with what I say, as words can come back to haunt me.

As the end of my third year in comedy ended, my comedy career did begin to pick up. Instead of focusing on pop culture for my standup, I began focusing on me and what was funny about me. Almost immediately after that, I started to garner respect from fellow comics. I transitioned from learning the art of the one liner to the art of the bit, and that's where everything in standup sort of took off. I began meeting comics, I began going to shows and appreciating comedy for what it truly is.

My fourth year of comedy (my SECOND freshman year of college) essentially picked up where I left off from my third year. I began getting recognition from other comics as being funny, and on a fall night in 2012, what I think of as my first comedy accomplishment came about. In September 2012, I was invited to perform at the Northern Kentucky University Last Comic Standing competition. I auditioned, and that was a breeze to get through. That night, a ton of people showed up to watch, including three NKU staff members. There were five comics: Me, my friends Jake and Alex, a guy named Kevin who didn't do standup but liked comedy, and a girl named Pam who got all her jokes off the internet. It was a three round competition: the first round was standup, the second round was where we all told a one-liner, and the third round was improv with the MC, which was a comic named Kelly Collette. I eased my way into the finals with my friend Alex, and we were both given a topic. I don't remember what Alex's topic was, but I do remember that my topic was sex, which was hysterical for me. I had to act out me trying to have sex with her, and it was exactly like me trying to get with every other girl. And by that, I mean it didn't actually work and everyone watched and laughed at me. When I was in that round, I was super nervous because I had very little experience with improv. When she asked me whether I had sex before, I said "I don't know" (yeah, I was that nervous). Yeah, some things were said that made people laugh, but I'll never forget one thing I said. Kelly made a callback to when I said I don't know whether I've had sex before, and she said "What do you mean you've never had sex before", and I said, "Well, I went to church a lot when I was little and I don't remember a whole lot". When I said that, the whole room started laughing, and that was one of the best feelings I've ever had as a comic. After that round, ballots were collected to see who won, and I ended up winning. I won a hundred bucks, which was worth about two tanks of gas to me, and validation, which was worth about everything to me.

After that competition, I continued on in my comedy career, writing bits about how I grew up and things about my life that made me laugh. Things got better, things went on, and I progressed more in the Cincinnati comedy scene. I started doing guest sets for weekend shows, I opened up a few pro-am shows, and I began garnering even more respect from some people outside the city.

For me, my favorite point of my comedy career was the summer of 2013. I had some of the best shows I've ever done (and one of the worst). I did the Funniest Person in Cincinnati contest, which I did not move on in, which is fine. However, the next week, I had two shows that I desperately needed. They were both at bars in Cincinnati, and I had great sets at both of them. Things were going great for me, as I opened up more pro-am shows, did more guest spots, did my first comedy festival, and garnered respect from more people in the scene. I even had headliners say I was funny, which absolutely blew my mind. However, one morning in July of 2013, I thought of what I consider to be the funniest joke I have ever written.

I remember I had shitty sleeping habits that summer, which was fine, because I didn't have much to do during that time. But one morning, I was up in my bed, and I was riffing about the subject of prom night dumpster babies for some reason (when I find a subject that I'm interested in, I'll try and think of some jokes about it, which is, well, riffing). That riff culminated with a joke that is, to this day, one that I consider to be absolute gold (it's the second joke on the clip, and they cut out about half of the laugh in that joke). When I thought of that joke, I about died. I couldn't believe I had come up with a joke that funny. I laughed to myself for about fifteen minutes straight. Once I did that, I immediately put that in tweet form, put it in my draft folder on Twitter, and went to sleep. In the middle of the day, I decided to tweet it. It didn't get much Twitter love, so I decided to turn it into a bit, and that didn't get much love either. However, I brought it back for a roast of a friend of mine that I did, and a couple of my friends told me how funny they thought that joke was, so I kept it in that form. Later on, I was set to perform at a Go Bananas pro-am show, and I was nervous about telling that joke because it has kind of a dark side to it. When I told it in a sparsely filled bar, it got a ten second laugh, which was monstrous for me. I then told it at Go Bananas, and it got about the same laugh (including a "wow" and a "woo"). It felt great, as a ton of people came up to me after the show and said that joke was super funny. To culminate everything, Rooftop Comedy asked me if it could be a clip on their website, to which I immediately agreed. Then, I put that on Facebook, and thankfully, it worked. A lot of my friends said that they loved the joke, and I had MCs and features alike go out of their way to tell me how funny that joke is.

After I came up with that joke, it didn't work very well, but I previously mentioned that I did a roast for my friend Jay, and that might be the best night of comedy I've ever had. Every joke ranged from doing alright to destroying the entire room, and after that, multiple people said I was the best act of the night. Doing a roast was something I had wanted to do for a long time, and I prepared extra hard for it. Well, it ended up working, and I loved it. Not much happened after that. I kept doing pro-am shows, I kept progressing (slowly but surely), and I came up with more bits.

What do the next five years have in store for me? My first MC weekend? Maybe even a feature weekend? Who knows. Comedy is an unpredictable thing, but as long as I work hard, anything is possible. I know I have what it takes, but it's just the effort that I need to put in and great things are possible. Anyone who has made any part of these last five years possible, I can't thank you enough. If it wasn't for comedy, who knows where I'd be. I do comedy because I have the ability to, and I love doing it. I make fun of my flaws, I make fun of what happens to me, and while I come across as a guy who has a low self esteem (I kinda do), me being able to joke about myself makes me kind of alright with everything.

I'm going to end this post the way I've ended my stage performances for the past two and a half years: You guys, I've been Alex Schubert, thank you very much.

"The Building Full Of Expensive Meat"

The voice of Tony the Tiger has died at 64. He had esophageal cancer, which was apparently severe enough to send him to his grrrrrrave.

Rob Schneider says America is heading towards fascism. Even worse, America is also heading towards another Rob Schneider movie.

Clippers owner Donald Sterling was banned from the NBA for life. He was punished by having to spend the rest of his life at home with his 2 billion dollars.

An analyst says the world could have its first trillionaire soon. That trillionaire is me; I'm close to 1 trillion rejections by cute girls.

Donald Trump wants to buy the Buffalo Bills. Yep, the New York fixture known for disappointing its fans wants to buy the Buffalo Bills.

Kim Kardashian got ten Burger King restaurants as a gift from Kanye West. Yep, the building full of expensive meat got ten Burger Kings as a gift from Kanye West.

That's all I have for right now! Sorry about my lack of topical jokes right now. I know I've had two months to write these, but. I've just been on a bit writing spree. Whether those bits work out is totally my call; I really need to work on them. I'm doing my best to write topical jokes. Anyway, I'm coming up on five years in comedy (a little over two of them have been behind the mic), and I plan to write a review as to my experiences and what I've learned. Anyway, more coming later!

"Running Into His House"

George Zimmerman signed autographs at an Orlando gun show. On the bright side, now we know who would go out of their way for his autograph.

TV pitchman Kevin Trudeau was sentenced to ten years in prison. It was originally seven years, but the judge said "But wait, there's more!"

A study says chimpanzees are better video gamers than kindergartners. Yep, the messy unhygenic monkeys who eat hair were outgamed by chimpanzees.

A new app maps a person’s enemies so they never run into them in public. It received high accolades from the Cute Girls Who Know Alex Schubert Association of America.

A new study says 11% of Americans think HTML is an STD. Question: if it was in fact an STD, would it cause pain in your HTTPenis?

A Texas man was killed after running into his house to save his cellphone. He'd still be alive if he just used the door instead.

Former SNL actor Chris Kattan was arrested for DUI. His dashcam footage was the first time he's been on camera in seven years.

Westboro Baptist Church founder Fred Phelps has died at 84. The Westboro Baptist Church will save a ton of money on graveyard plots when they realize that Fred Phelps can be buried in his own shame.

That's all I have for right now. Well, one of these jokes brought about one of my crazier Twitter experiences, and I feel that I need to explain myself. I tweeted the joke about the man in Texas who was killed after running into his house to save his cell phone, and a while later, I found myself being absolutely berated by my fellow comics (and the manager of my home club) because nobody got the joke. I'm going to break one of the Ten Commandments of comedy and explain that joke. You see, "running into his house" has a double meaning. Most people see "running into his house" as "oh, he went into his house to get something". Instead, when I thought of the punchline, I thought of the other meaning. It's like he ran into a brick wall, and running into a brick wall would kill him. And when I thought of the "he should have used the door instead" punchline, I started laughing (in public) because it was such a stupid thought, and I'm a sucker for a dumb joke. While I may go down in history as the only person who has ever laughed at that joke, I learned one comedy truth that day: the very first step in becoming a great comedian is making yourself laugh. I really don't give a shit if nobody else liked it.

If you want to see the Twitter ass-whooping I took that day, here's the link: https://twitter.com/GroperCleveland/status/439471280035999744

Anyway, sorry for the dragged on explanation of that crazy situation. I'll have more jokes to come soon!

"Signs Of Being In Love"

Justin Bieber spent $75k at a Miami strip club in one night. Really? All that in one night? Wow, those guys must have been really good.

A speechwriter for President Bush said President Obama plagiarized the SOTU address. It showed when Obama talked about his knowledge of shapes.

Cincinnati was named the least happy place to work in by Forbes. This is mainly because at two of those places, people have to work with me.

An 8th grade blind kid in Vermont made a shot in a basketball game. After the game, he beat Dwight Howard in a free throw shooting contest.

A new bra opens only when a woman’s body shows signs of being in love. If that bra could hold cases of things, a woman in my presence could be trusted with the Mona Lisa.

A man in Florida was arrested for attacking his wife with a banana. As to why he used a banana, the man said, "I was out of turtle shells."

A study says that bad memories can be erased by electroconvulsive therapy. When I read that I was shocked, then for some reason I forgot about the study.

George Zimmerman is now on Twitter. I follow his account, but I'm following it from 20 feet behind because it's wearing a hoodie and I'm suspicious.

A Utah polygamist with five wives and 24 children is getting a reality show on TLC. I'm just surprised he can tell them apart.

\A four year old boy in England has an IQ of 160. In fact, he's currently working with top scientists to develop a cure for cooties.

A school in Texas has banned red and green from its winter party. They should also ban white people because as far as I know, Santa is white.

That's all I have for right now. Well damn, I had my surgery, and I'm basically fully recovered. I feel fantastic (and yes, that's your cue to stop asking how my GOT DAMN JAW IS). Now, if only there was a surgery that could make my jokes funnier because damn I need help. Anyway, more to come soon!

"Lost Profits"

A study says that a high body mass is linked to hearing loss in women. Now I know why Oprah always shouts; she just couldn't hear herself talk.

David Beckham says he was subjected to humiliating sex acts as a teen athlete. It got so bad that he was once forced to have sex with a woman.

A Dallas Cowboys fan was beaten unconscious by four Raiders fans. The fans were arrested, prosecuted, and signed by the Raiders.

Lostprophets' singer Ian Watkins has been arrested on child sex charges. Because of this scandal, Lostprophets will experience some lost profits.

President Obama gave Oprah Winfrey the Presidential Medal of Freedom today. Hey, I'm just impressed that he could find her neck.

People are criticizing 300 lb NJ Gov. Chris Christie for being too moderate. Really? Do you think that guy knows anything about moderation?

Ann Coulter said that Chris Christie's IQ is 8x higher than John McCain's. And Coulter's testosterone is 8x higher than both of theirs combined.

A Tennessee woman reportedly ran over her boyfriend after he refused to go to McDonald’s with her. Let me guess, did she use a pickup truck?

Tom Brady said he egged houses as a kid on Halloween. In fact, Tim Tebow tagged along with him one year, but he kept missing the houses.

The Price is Right will bring back Bob Barker to celebrate his 90th birthday. I like the idea; your final birthday is a pretty big deal.

Britney Spears' music is being used to scare Somali pirates. They would use my jokes, but they're too busy being used at Guantanamo Bay.

Well, nerds, that's all I have for right now, and probably my last post of the year, unless I get on my got damn high horse and get some jokes together. I'm having surgery next Wednesday to help my got damn underbite become better, so I should have a lot of time to write that shit. Should be a damn good time. Also, in my opinion, I feel that as of late, I've made a lot of progress in the Cincy comic scene. I feel that some comics are respecting me more as a performer because my jokes and attitude have improved. I'm trying, guys. I want to be fuggin famous someday, and I need the help, love, and support of the zero people that read this blog. Anyway, more to come soon!

"Having Sex On Train Tracks"

An Ohio HS football player wrote a poem about his team’s poor performance. It described in detail their OT loss to the Jacksonville Jaguars.

Brent Musburger once said that "quarterbacks get all the girls". If that's the case, my peak was in the second grade during recess.

The Congressional gym was open during the shutdown. Hopefully politicians used it to workout their differences.

The Chiefs-Raiders game set a record for the loudest stadium ever. In fact, Raiders QB Terrelle Pryor couldn't even hear himself not think.

Barbara Sinatra says Mia Farrow’s son Ronan is not Frank Sinatra's son. This is becoming literally the whitest Maury Povich episode ever.

14 bags of pot were found in a 3 year old's backpack at a NY day care. People became suspicious when he drove to Taco Bell for snack time.

Two Russians having sex on train tracks were hit by a train. If her screams are loud enough to not notice a train, you're doing a great job.

Giants DB Prince Amukamara says people call him the Black Tim Tebow. He said this because he's a virgin, doesn't drink, and isn't an NFL caliber quarterback.

There's a new dating website called Twine where pictures can't be uploaded. It should've been called AlexSchubertFinallyHasAChance.com.

Krispy Kreme recently honored "Talk Like A Pirate Day" by giving out free donuts. Here's how it worked: if you talk like a pirate you get a donut, if you dress like one you get a dozen, and if you do neither you walk the plank.

Well guys, that's all for now. Well, big news on the Schub comedy front. I'll be living out one of my comedy dreams on Monday, October 28th. I will be involved in my first ever roast. You see, my friend Jay Armstrong is in a child custody battle with some stupid bitch who cheated on him and wants custody of their daughter. If anybody reads this sumbitch, you'll know to come out to the Thompson House. The tickets aren't cheap ($15), but they will be worth it. The money will be used to help Jay fight this legal battle. Jay (and myself) could use all the support we could get. So I thank you all, and holy fuck this is was a long paragraph.

"The Got Dang Queers"

A man in Boston plotted to cook and eat children. And somehow, he's only the second most notorious Bostonian this year.

Miley Cyrus appears naked on a wrecking ball in her new music video. This is the first time ever that a wrecking ball has gotten herpes.

Rush Limbaugh is writing a children's book. It's going to be called "How the Grinch Stole Your Tax Dollars To Help The Got Dang Queers".

An Afghan woman is wanted for stealing $1.1 Million from a bank she worked at. The real story here is that a woman in Afghanistan has a job.

Ariel Castro committed suicide in his prison cell. He did this after realizing that he's a dude named Ariel.

A study says there is a link between losing sports teams and overweight fans. To put that study in perspective, I root for the Bengals.

Louie Anderson recently did his first 3 meter dive into a pool. The moment was frightening for Louie, but even more frightening for the pool.

The NFL wants to ban large purses for women going to games, which means the only people who will bring purses to games play for the Browns.

A company has developed a cup that detects date rape drugs. "This is a major breakthrough," said Dave Lynch, CEO of Buzzkill Inc.

A new obesity map shows where the fattest Americans are. Which explains why today I was hit on the head by a giant red pin.

That's all for right now! Well, I'm 21 now, which means imma get drunk as fuck loljk I'm just getting into more open mics. The standup is going ok, I'm just trying to find the right stuff to write about.

"Get That Camera Out Of My Face"

MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.

Ariel Castro was sentenced to life plus 1,000 years in prison. To put that in perspective, that's approximately three Phish songs.

The Royal Baby has been named George Alexander Louis. So the baby was born in 2013, but it was named in 1885.

Michele Bachmann mistakenly received a vibrator in the mail. She described it as "Disgusting, foul, and it smells suspiciously like Marcus."

A Thai college made a banner where Hitler was next to Superman. It got worse when Mel Gibson U made a banner saying "What's the difference?"

A Netherlands woman says she has unwanted orgasms that start in her foot. Rex Ryan now has this woman on speed dial.

There is a Paula Deen themed cruise. I'm not saying it caught on with her racism but the ship takes off from the West coast of Africa.

A report says sibling bullying leads to depression, anger and anxiety. At least that's what my faggot piece of shit little brother told me.

That's all I have for right now! Sorry for this short list of jokes, but I want to come up with good ones occasionally instead of shitty ones with occasional good ones every day (who wouldn't). But if you're reading this, thanks a lot, and go and find some better jokes to make these ones look super shitty (this shouldn't be difficult).

"Get That Out Of Your Mouth"

Washington Wizards C Jason Collins came out as gay. Finally, a gay man in Washington that isn't a closeted Republican senator.

Chris Brown says that he's praying for Justin Bieber. Because if God is listening to anybody, he's listening to Chris Brown.

A high school in Arizona had a spirit event called "Redneck Day". I think some people took it too far, like the one black kid who came in with a rope around his neck.

A recent Dancing With The Stars theme was Prom Night, which made sense because I asked a pretty girl to watch it with me and she said no.

Justin Bieber’s pet monkey was confiscated in Germany. So the crazy baboon with the annoying screech had his monkey confiscated in Germany.

Justin Bieber won the Milestone Award at the Billboard Music Awards. The "milestone" is more commonly known as "puberty".

Lil' Wayne is expected to make a full recovery after being in a coma. "That's too bad," said literally half of the Internet.

An increasing number of dogs are ingesting pot. I think my dog got some, too. I recently told my dog to "speak" and he said "Whatever, bro."

In Touch Magazine says Kim Kardashian fears Kanye West is gay, which explains why he thinks Beyonce had one of the best videos of all time.

Some anti-obesity ads are coming under fire for digitally making the kids in the commercials fatter. They wouldn't need to digitally make people fat if they knew how badly I needed money.

A report says that one third of adult Americans own a tablet. The other two use other methods of technology to ignore my jokes.

The NSA has reportedly been spying on people's text messages. If that were true, then all the government knows about me is I only have three friends, and two of them are my parents.

Michael Douglas claims that his throat was caused by him performing oral sex on multiple women. This is fantastic news for my throat.

A preschool in California was recently shut down because some of the students were caught having sex with each other. Remember the good ol' days of preschool when "Get that out of your mouth" meant a bottle of glue, building blocks, your thumb...

That's all for now. I really gotta do this shit more often. As I'm pretty sure I went on in my last post about, topical writing is how I got into comedy. If it wasn't for comedy, I wouldn't be the jackass I am today (I mean that in both a good and a bad way). It's amazing to think about these past four years (one of which has been behind the mic). I've met people I never thought I'd meet. I've gained friends, and I've lost friends. I've been to incredible places (shitty open mics), and I'll go to even more incredible places (even shittier open mics). It's all been amazing, and I don't regret anything. "But Schubs, what about that joke you shouldn't have made about that one thing?" Fuck off, person I made up that would say the same thing as a lot of people. I don't think of those as things I should regret. I look at those as learning experiences, and I'm harder, better, faster, stronger, and funnier for it. Also, a message to people who don't want to see my standup because they don't think my online jokes are funny: you have no idea what my standup is like. You could probably guess what I talk about within a few tries, but you never know until you see it. In these next few months (I'm dead fucking serious about this), I'm gonna try and get some people to vouch for me. I have pretty much an entire community of people who don't believe in what I do or that I can do it. I need some people to say "Hey this motherfucker isn't bad." And I don't think I am. Anyway, sorry for the rant, and thx 4 reedn.

"Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver"

Holy shit, I haven't posted in a while. I've been busy doing standup and having a blast writing one liners on the Twitter. Here's an update at the topical jokes I have written over the past few months.

Horsemeat has been found in Burger King's Whoppers. If you think that's bad, I just found hamburger meat in my Elmers Glue.

An accused doctor at Johns Hopkins killed himself with helium. God reportedly tried to send him to hell, but he wouldn't stay down.

The National Enquirer says that OJ Simpson is having gay sex in prison. This would be the first time that a man helped get OJ off since 1995.

A greeter for the Heart Attack Grill died of a heart attack. News of his death has raised some concern at the Butthole Cancer Pizzeria.

A 9-year old girl in Mexico gave birth. That's sickening. Girls nowadays don't have sex until they're at least 12.

A study says that “coming out” can bring health benefits. "Not really," said AIDS.

A new pill reportedly gives a man an erection in seven seconds. There's two of them, and they're called breasts.

Casey Anthony filed for bankruptcy. Hopefully she finds some extra money in the ditch where she hid Caylee.

A study says that smoking shortens a person’s life span by at least ten years. If that's the case, Monica Lewinsky's vagina died in 2002.

Two Alaskan strippers reportedly fought over a one dollar bill. Yet another tough day on the job for Holly Goldberg and Candy Weinstein.

A man leaving a gun show in Indianapolis accidentally shot himself in the hand. He was then arrested for trying to impersonate Jesus.

Jodie Foster "came out" during her Golden Globes speech. John Hinckley really has his work cut out for him now.

Britney Spears says she wants to do a sitcom. I hope it's based on her marriages. And by that, I mean I hope it's cancelled after two weeks.

Secretary of State John Kerry will sign all tweets with JK while in office, which doesn't bode well for Iowa senator Leonard Michael Adams-Oliver.

That's an update for right now. Expect an update in a few months with some more jokes that I've written. It's basically how I got my start in comedy, and I love doing it. I used to write several jokes a day, and that was fun, but looking back on it, a lot of them were hack and not that funny. Now, I go for quality, not quantity. And quality, especially with writing jokes, is not easy. Well, thanks for your patience, and I hope you enjoyed these. Because if not, that's three months of work in the shit can. Anyway, thanks for y'alls reads, and see you soon!

"A Distinct Odor"

Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes are divorcing. When I heard the news, I jumped up and down on a couch in excitement.

Adele is pregnant. She will be the only mom whose lullabies will make a crying baby cry even more.

A new study says that old people release a distinct odor. The study was conducted by me in a nursing home and get me out of here this place is awful.

Rielle Hunter and John Edwards have broken up. "That's too bad," said people without a soul.

Kim Kardashian says her fans are "stupid imbeciles". I didn't know she could say "stupid imbeciles" with an NBA player's dick in her mouth.

A boy died while masturbating 42 times without stopping. His autopsy says "He beat himself to death, so to speak."

I recently read about a groom who got drunk and cheated on his wife at their wedding. Even worse, he cheated with the flower girl.

Duke basketball head coach Mike Kryzewski says Penn State made a mistake firing Joe Paterno. Well good luck hiring him back.

Jerry Sandusky reportedly called himself the tickle monster. Which is strange, because I didn't know the tickle monster aimed there.

Casey Anthony said that she loved her daughter more than anybody. Of course she did. That's why Casey cried when she killed her.

A study says that a good sex life will help you live longer. If that's the case, I died five years ago.

Miley Cyrus is engaged. She would put the ring on her finger if she can get it out of Billy Ray's asshole.

That's all I have for today! More coming later!

"Five Wives"

A Japanese man cooked his own genitals and served them at a banquet. I can't believe he had the balls to do that.

Jenna Jameson was arrested for DUI. Let me get this straight. A drunk porn star in handcuffs? There is a god!

A Tennessee man, Desmond Hatchett, has fathered 30 children with 11 different women.  Does this guy have Maury Povich on speed dial?


Tonight is the National Spelling Bee.  The winner will more than likely get a red dot on their forehead.


Justin Bieber reportedly assaulted a member of the paparazzi.  If I were Justin Bieber, I would punch myself in the face.


A three-year old boy was kicked off an Alaska Airlines flight.  As a person who gets on airplanes sometimes, I hope to God this catches on.


“Five Wives” Vodka is being criticized for being offensive to Mormons.  And Mitt Romney isn't?


A Michigan woman who was abducted, shot and set on fire has given birth to a baby boy.  She named it "Johnny Knoxville".

The IRS says that 1 in 189 high income earners paid no income tax in 2009.  Ironically, they all endorsed Mitt Romney.


An explosion in Kenya that injured 33 people is being blamed on a “bearded man”.  Who knew the Amish could cause explosions?


The War in Afghanistan has severely limited tourism in that country, according to the government.  But let's be honest, here.  What is there to see in Afghanistan besides deserts and batshit crazy people?


A study says that saturated fat hurts people’s brain function.  This means that Oprah Winfrey is mentally retarded.


That's all I have for today!  More coming later!

"Too Sexy"

Ted Nugent said the Obama administration "wipes its ass with the Constitution". I hope Ted Nugent does the same with the barrel of one of his guns.

Defense Secretary Leon Panetta says that the U.S. is “within an inch” of war every day with North Korea. Or, approximately twice the size of the average Korean man's penis.

Miley Cyrus’ new movie “LOL” is being released in only seven theaters. But to be fair, Miley Cyrus in a movie called "LOL" is like me in a movie called "The Ultimate Ladies Man With Great Jokes And A Sexy Body".

A study says that watching porn shuts down a part of the brain. It's the part that tells you to delete your Internet history.

A bill in Arizona still allows people to offend or annoy others on the Internet. It's a bill named after me.

A substitute teacher in New Jersey has been suspended after telling a seven-year-old girl that she was "too sexy" to take gym. But that's what happens when you get your substitute teachers from Craigslist.

A new study says that your personality could be reflected by what type of dog you own. Which explains why my dog isn't funny and weighs twice as much as it should.

An unauthorized biography contains Simon Cowell's personal secrets. One I found shocking: his t-shirts are actually painted on him.

The "Pregnant Man", Thomas Beatie, has reportedly split from his wife. And in another gender twist, he took half of her shit.

Philip Humber of the Chicago White Sox pitched a perfect game against the Mariners. When he does it against a pro team, I'll be impressed.

That's all I have for today! More coming soon!

"Colorado Rockies Tickets"

Frances Bean Cobain, daughter of the late Kurt Cobain, says that her mother, Courtney Love, should be banned from Twitter. Screw that. Courtney Love should be banned from Walgreens.

Kate Winslet says that Leonardo DiCaprio has gotten fatter since Titanic. Well if I had to look at her disgusting face, I'd need some comfort food, too.

President Obama wants a "rigorous" Secret Service probe after the sex scandal in Columbia. Seriously? There's been enough probing going on there...

A 14-year old kid, who is set to graduate from UCLA very soon, insists he's not a genius. Yeah, and I'm not THAT bad at picking up women.

Ashley Judd is upset about the media's comments regarding her puffy appearance. She called the comments "nasty", "mysogynistic", and "100% right".

Kenyans won both the men and women’s divisions of the Boston Marathon. Are either of the winners ridiculously photogenic? No? Then fuck 'em.

University of Kentucky center Eloy Vargas took a high school senior to her prom after she asked him. If I ever meet Kate Upton, I'm gonna try this.

A middle school cross country runner was on a jog, where she found $1,500 in Colorado Rockies tickets. When asked where the tickets came from, he said, "Oh, they just came out of thin air."

Despite rumors, Khloe Kardashian is not pregnant. Well of course. Men can't get pregnant.

Kim Kardashian says she wants to run for mayor of Glendale, California. It's the first time she's wanted a job in her entire life.

That's all I have for today! Remember, on Friday is Cover the Night, where we go after Joseph Kony, aka the second most hated man on Earth...

"Fashion Faceoff"

Ron Paul says he is “trying to save the Republican Party”. From what? Youth?

A Texas hospital says it will not hire overweight people with a BMI of more than 35. So we know where I'm not gonna work.

A study proves that “beer goggles” actually exist, and that drinking alcohol can make people look more desirable. Now I have an excuse to buy beer.

Amanda Bynes was recently arrested for DUI. She was so drunk, she thought she saw real dancing lobsters.

Heidi Klum has filed for divorce from Seal, citing "irreconcilable differences". Like the fact that Heidi Klum's face is good looking.

I just read an article called "Mila Kunis vs. Kate Upton Fashion Faceoff". Goddamnit, now my computer is all sticky.

NASA has recently discovered the quietest room on Earth. It's a comedy club after I tell a joke.

A report says that a British sperm clinic founder may have fathered as many as 600 children. And here, I thought the dudes on the Maury Povich show were out of control.

Anchorage, Alaska has broken a 57 year old snow total record for the year with 133.6 inches. Also known as Adele's waistline.

A report says that Americans’ favorite chocolate to eat is Snickers. Americans' least favorite chocolate to eat: Oprah Winfrey.

Baseball announcer Tim McCarver says that social networking is “disturbing”. Well Mr. McCarver, get off my Twitter and Facebook pages.

Chris Daughtry has been sued by former bandmates. If I was forced to listen to Daughtry's music every fucking night, I think I'd deserve a reward.

An ex-teacher in Modesto has been arrested for sexual abuse of one of his students. Can we rename that city Molesto?

George Zimmerman has launched a website to help pay for his legal expenses. He has received countless donations - from white people.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Dumped Flour"

Dick Cheney is undergoing a heart transplant. And by that, I mean he's getting one inserted.

Pope Benedict XVI has commissioned his own cologne. The cologne is just a bottle of tears from the altar boys that have been molested.

A Dutch woman who suffered a stroke says the faces of her family now appear to be ugly. In fact, you know that very family she is referring to? I was recently made an honorary member.

Ford is touting the ability of its turbocharged Escape to tow 3,500 pounds of weight. Doesn't Adele's car already do that?

Jason Russell, who made the film "Kony 2012", was recently caught masturbating in public. Ironically, he was caught by Ugandan police.

Ashley Judd is starring in a new ABC drama series called “Missing”. It's about her career.

Workers in Chinese iPad factories were forced to sign pledges to promise not to commit suicide. How will they get punished if they break the pledge?

There is new surveillance technology that makes it possible for a computer to compare 36 million faces in one second. So far, the only thing it has determined is that mine is the ugliest.

There was someone who dumped flour on Kim Kardashian. Kim was stunned. She had gone her entire life without anything white on her body.

James Cameron reportedly reached the deepest spot on Earth. That spot: Adele's belly button.

Friends of Demi Moore says she's sick to her stomach about Ashton Kutcher and Rihanna dating. Sick to her stomach? Don't worry, Demi. That's probably the bulimia.

That's all I have for right now! More later!

"Stealing Tide Detergent"

Bear Grylls was fired from "Man vs. Wild". This was a result of him taking a piss and actually flushing it down the toilet.

More than 52 percent of Republican voters in Mississippi think President Obama is a Muslim. But don't worry, Barack. The opinions of Republicans don't matter.

A study says ambitious, successful people live longer and are happier. This study was conducted by reading horoscopes.

A poll says 18% of Facebook users blocked, unfriended or deleted someone based on politics. I belong in the other 82% who was deleted because of shitty and offensive jokes.

An ex-porn actor in Florida was allowed to seek getting a teaching certificate. Basically, he's going from one sex industry to another.

Police say there has been a dramatic increase in people stealing Tide detergent. Talk about a "clean getaway".

A nine-year old girl in China gave birth to a healthy baby boy. Combine the fact that there's a nine year old girl is in labor, and the fact that it was in China, driving to the hospital must have been a fucking nightmare.

A Pittsburgh Arena football coach fired all 24 members of his team at a dinner at the Olive Garden. Hey, for taking his team to the Olive Garden, the coach deserves to be fired.

Justin Bieber's newest single is called "Boyfriend". Let the jokes begin!

That's all I have for today! More coming later!